Well, Hello

[Ak5]

Hi, new member here! I have been reading this Forum for a couple weeks (months!) now and have decided to finally to make an account here.

First off, about me: Male 15 years old, soon to be 16 (homeschooled, last public school I had was Middle School); and I am here due to the same reason everyone else is, feeling lonely. Other days I could bear it, but today..I just had to discuss it with someone since I have nobody to talk to. Heh, don't know where to start, I have so much to share but again, nobody to share it with (sorry if I am all over the place).

I have zero friends. Hell, I don't even go out of my own home except for Doctor's visits and vacation! When's the last time I talked to some-one my age? Oh, probably December last year (and it was not a "friends" talk type thing, just a few comments and conversations that don't last a minute). I want to talk to people my age, I want to hang out with them. The thought of so many people having fun today (since its summer) that are my age and having the time of their life, and I am just here by myself. I feel dead, empty. Before I start ranting about my problems again let me explain to you how I got here, and how I found out the root cause of my loneliness and how I have a master plan to solve it (maybe I can help some of you find out your causes and find a solution to them). Middle School: The time when friendships start to expand and get more complex, this ain't elementary anymore where everyone was friends with everyone! Being intelligent, nerdy, and overweight, my social skills sucked; and I believe the root cause of all of that is due to me being a "late bloomer". I overheard guys talk about girls, sex, drinks, parties, cursing, going out, etc. And I just thought "What is going on, these people are insane!" I thought the entire school was nuts, but hey it was a good A school, excellent teachers and staff (so that means that any other school would have the same kind of attitude, or worse). I was quiet, shy, didn't take care of myself as much (yea, I was fat), so Middle School was a horrible experience, when people hang out, I stayed home; didn't even have one single friend to talk to, also sat alone in the cafeteria every single day for 3 years. Since I talk to no-one, I usually pretend to have conversations (do this every day now) with "people" that don't exist and I talk to them about anything that is on my mind at the time, yes I know, I am crazy.


Enough with the negative attitude, time for some positives.

1. I decided January this year that I was going to lose weight. And hell I did! I went from 180 lbs (overweight) to 140 lbs (normal). And as of today, I look good, feel good, my stomach is soon-to-be flat and I am growing muscle (plus I am somewhat tall)!

2. Now I finally feel like I am starting to "bloom", now I am getting a huge interest in girls (and their parts), cursing, feeling very confident, feeling a bit rebellious, and just all-round regular teenage stuff. Even though, I still am very nice with my family and treat them with a lot of respect (they help me a lot).

3. I am also smart and I am thinking up of new ways to make friends (analyzing people, knowing their likes/dislikes, knowing how to talk to them, what conversation starters to use, etc.; basically I am teaching myself social skills since I have not used them for many years) when I move next year to a new State.


...I am moving during the beginning of next year (2012) into a new State and I will finally be entering a public High School as Sophomore. I am feeling very confident and very pumped about moving and starting a-new. I have a positive outlook and I know that I will make friends since I am "blooming" and my hormones are raging (guys talk about girls and girls talk about guys, period! If you want friends, you have to know about girls and really be interested). Problem is: That is about half a year from now. That means half a year of more loneliness. Sure I am confident about moving, but what gets me is the time-period. How am I able to cope with it for half a year? And how many other people my age are having fun while I just "let time fly" while I am waiting.



Thanks!

 

[Syber Tiger]

homeschool (hmm) dont know how it is but ya

dont warry about the other guy that drink have sex party etc. it sounds fun well it is i guess , i never ent to a party in my life or sex or drink(not that i passy or or heavy drunk
in school they play do nothing just u know how they can be
after school what then most of us split up after school and they we all alone,less education etc

but we that are the quet/lonely tipe learn thing and if we find a friend we respect and care for that friend and most of the time we keep the for life i guess
sorry for saying i guess a lot

and nice job on looking that waight i lost some my self when i was your age

i loled at the (and their parts) ya that normal to want to see/play/look etc @ girls and there parts

and drinking well u spend alot of money on alcohol,the next day what can you remember nothing only one hella of a headace

find somethig you enjoy for a half year

are you shy?
if you are i am shy myself and that keeps me from being who i realy am

bye
~ tiger
and WELCOME TO THE FORUMS
go to the chat
http://xat.com/chat/room/130710543/
u will make friends there

 

[Ak5]

Hey black, thanks for responding.

I was really shy, now I feel much more confident about how I look and I feel like I am able to really talk to people and be outgoing.

About the drinking thing..well I don't drink. And even if I do, its not to get drunk. I just want to, you know, join in on a party and just "relax and have fun".

Anyway, I am trying to find something to do that I enjoy. No luck yet though. I'll give the chat a go.

 

[Syber Tiger]

ya if i drink its to relax with is never

whats your intrest ?
go on chat so we can talk

btw i am 17

 

[lonelyfairy]

Hello, welcome! :>

It's awful feeling if not have any real life friends, I know what it's like.

Congrats about losing weight, good job! I know that too, I guess it feels very good?

And nice to hear that you're feeling better.

 

[Ak5]

Next thing I discovered about my loneliness and "how to" make friends: You have to be confident and carefree. You have to do what everyone else is doing. I was way out of league during Middle School, nobody interested in my opinions about the economy, the situation in the Middle East, and the Presidential Campaign. I tried to talk, I just got silence as a response. I was a big nerd :club:

 

[IgnoredOne]

AK,

I was homeschooled too. Its tough learning the social mores, but you can pick it up like I did too. Let me know if you need any specific help. Unfortunately, you will find that most people are retarded dumbfucks who couldn't give a damn about the greater picture. Its not you who is the problem.

 

[Ak5]

Thanks IgnoredOne, doing my best to understand and feel more confident about making the change next year. Its my only plan, no back-ups; so it has to work xD.

If you really want to help, I really need the preperation for conversations and such.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Thanks IgnoredOne, doing my best to understand and feel more confident about making the change next year. Its my only plan, no back-ups; so it has to work xD.

If you really want to help, I really need the preperation for conversations and such.

What works for me may not work for you, mind you.

1) Don't prepare. One of the worst things, at least obviously, is to prepare for conversation or to attempt to. You will appear calculated and 'creepy.' Its unfortunately, because we're trying to reduce our nervousness, but others do not read it as such.

2) Find a group of people like-minded or with similar interests. In my case, it was finding a club of 'geeks' which mind you, I still had difficulties talking to. Nonetheless, the more friendly exposure is extremely helpful. You essentially need more experience, and the actual skills are too subtle to learn without real exposure.

3) The actual skills primarily compose of observation - paying attention to tone, shifts in mood and posture/positioning of someone else. You will find that most people are primarily interested in themselves and intensely wrapped up in their world - a good way for me to discern things is to assume that I am a listener, trying to discover the stories of other people. Ask about them, notice things about them, and bring them up. Eventually, you too will learn what you should notice but not mention.

4) Finally, develop a base of 'common knowledge' of things which are popular, and be at least somewhat conversant in it. Things such as sports, etc, are expected knowledge for many. I honestly couldn't give a damn if the Rangers win or lose, but it helps to know and associate in the enthusiasm that others have in it.

It helps to associate with teachers, professors and etc; you will more than likely have difficulty associating with people 'your age' no matter what. I still do, even now - do you really want to care who is putting who's intimate parts into whomever other's intimate parts? And who offended whom by what whiny voices they have? Oh, and how much better life is by the consumption of psychoactives or alcohol?

The sheer personal pettiness of the vast majority of people your age - our age - is beyond belief, and with familiarity, I fear, will only breed contempt. But understanding is good. Understand, but do not become.

 

[Ak5]

What works for me may not work for you, mind you.

1) Don't prepare. One of the worst things, at least obviously, is to prepare for conversation or to attempt to. You will appear calculated and 'creepy.' Its unfortunately, because we're trying to reduce our nervousness, but others do not read it as such.

2) Find a group of people like-minded or with similar interests. In my case, it was finding a club of 'geeks' which mind you, I still had difficulties talking to. Nonetheless, the more friendly exposure is extremely helpful. You essentially need more experience, and the actual skills are too subtle to learn without real exposure.

3) The actual skills primarily compose of observation - paying attention to tone, shifts in mood and posture/positioning of someone else. You will find that most people are primarily interested in themselves and intensely wrapped up in their world - a good way for me to discern things is to assume that I am a listener, trying to discover the stories of other people. Ask about them, notice things about them, and bring them up. Eventually, you too will learn what you should notice but not mention.

4) Finally, develop a base of 'common knowledge' of things which are popular, and be at least somewhat conversant in it. Things such as sports, etc, are expected knowledge for many. I honestly couldn't give a damn if the Rangers win or lose, but it helps to know and associate in the enthusiasm that others have in it.

It helps to associate with teachers, professors and etc; you will more than likely have difficulty associating with people 'your age' no matter what. I still do, even now - do you really want to care who is putting who's intimate parts into whomever other's intimate parts? And who offended whom by what whiny voices they have? Oh, and how much better life is by the consumption of psychoactives or alcohol?

The sheer personal pettiness of the vast majority of people your age - our age - is beyond belief, and with familiarity, I fear, will only breed contempt. But understanding is good. Understand, but do not become.

1) You have a point, I never really thought about that. Anyways, I am pretty good in making things up as I go along.

2) True

3) Already doing that

4) Funny, I was thinking about the same exact thing!

It does take a while to adjust as always, I just hope I do it quickly enough xD.


Thanks.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Expect to crash and burn more than a couple of times. So as long as you've learned from it, you have succeeded. You're doing well, and you have my encouragement; let me know how it goes and I'll love to keep in contact. There aren't enough people like us in this world.

It actually /does/ help to do one's homework and get to know your conversational angle with an individual beforehand, if possible. However, again, it should be done in a way that appears as if you did /not/ do so - basically, life is many levels of hypocrisy. I highly recommend, also, Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People as an excellent basis for such life skills.

 

[Ak5]

Its my only plan to try and try until I succeed.

 

[Pheenix]

I could sorta recommend Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner, but How to Win Friends is definitely where it's at.
I am open if you need anything I could help with as well. I'm only 17 and not homeschooled though. It's nice to see people working for it. Sort of a rarity around here, unfortunately.

---

Heck, I even have my own personal notes written from these two books, I guess I could upload somewhere. But again, they were just my practical notes, reading the books is a bit more effective.

 

[Ak5]

Thanks, but what I really need is help on coping. I felt better earlier today, but now I feel completely hopeless. Happens a lot to me, ups and downs unfortunately.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Thanks, but what I really need is help on coping. I felt better earlier today, but now I feel completely hopeless. Happens a lot to me, ups and downs unfortunately.

The sense of panic will gradually depart as you practice more, the importance of a 'safe' environment to do so being paramount. With knowledge, you will conquer fear.

It is a phobia. Sociophobia - irrational but real fear. Any means of combating phobias, therefore, are effective and you will have quite a few to select from. Remember to be gentle and forgiving of yourself.

 

[Ak5]

Thanks, but what I really need is help on coping. I felt better earlier today, but now I feel completely hopeless. Happens a lot to me, ups and downs unfortunately.

The sense of panic will gradually depart as you practice more, the importance of a 'safe' environment to do so being paramount. With knowledge, you will conquer fear.

It is a phobia. Sociophobia - irrational but real fear. Any means of combating phobias, therefore, are effective and you will have quite a few to select from. Remember to be gentle and forgiving of yourself.

Of course I have sociophobia. I already knew that.

So many years without friends and suddenly going to be put in the middle of High School (when I move) and a social environment where everyone basically has friends and I have no idea on how reluctant they are on accepting me. Very scary stuff, I have tried coping all these years, don't know how much more I can handle it.

:club:

 

[Pheenix]

I don't know you or them personally, just make sure not to fall for the idea that "of course they don't want me!" because that becomes self-fulfilling. I fell for that.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Of course I have sociophobia. I already knew that.

So many years without friends and suddenly going to be put in the middle of High School (when I move) and a social environment where everyone basically has friends and I have no idea on how reluctant they are on accepting me. Very scary stuff, I have tried coping all these years, don't know how much more I can handle it.

:club:

Its tough. I'm sorry - for what it is worth, it does get better. By college, everyone will have to make new friends too; but of course, it'll seem like they have all the skills which you don't.

There /are/ people who will 'accept' you - I mean, you're clearly and intelligent and worthwhile person. First and foremost, if you do well in classes, you'll find people who will ask you to help them with stuff, no? They're just using you, but in a way, its a means of social interaction.

You need to gradually try to just deal with people, but be /very/ gentle to yourself. You know the panic you suddenly feel? Time to go. Don't run, don't rush away, but have a ready excuse to leave. You are important, and the fact that we, as homeschooled, have lacked that particular learned skill does not make us worse. Leave, forgive yourself, and congratuate yourself for lasting as long as you did.

It /does/ get better. You will learn to socialize as well, if not better, because our life has given us a more holistic and a more detached intelligence in the long run. We have more potential, even if our immediate skills are rusty.

 

[Ak5]

I don't know you or them personally, just make sure not to fall for the idea that "of course they don't want me!" because that becomes self-fulfilling. I fell for that.

I try to be as positive as I can . With my positive body image (which I believe it was my negative body image what always brought me down) I should be confident enough and outgoing enough to make friends.

 

[Pheenix]

Ay oh keep up that mentality!

Also, Pheenix thanks IgnoredOne for his ^contribution to this thread.