What am I doing wrong?

[michael2]

Long post coming up.

Im 30 years old. Never had a girlfriend, never had a girl show many any type of attention. And at this point Im wondering how much of this is my fault?

Growing up I was verbally abused almost every day by father. Some times I was beaten with branches or had heavy objects (2x4s, large books) thrown at me, but the verbal abuse I endured affected me far worse then any physical pain. At some point I made a conscious decision to be the opposite of my father. It was going to be my life's goal to not have his quick temper, to not scream at people or belittle them, to always make people feel comfortable around me and not fearful of my next move.

This has resulted in me becoming a quiet, mild person. But sometimes I wonder if being that way has made me someone who women might not be attracted to? I notice alot of the time women say they want 'strong, confident men'. I dont think they see me as strong and confident because of how mild I've become. For example, I almost always choose to avoid conflict, but I feel women may see this as someone who cant stand up for themselves, let alone them.

I worry no woman will ever get to know me enough to find who I am as attractive. I feel all my best traits as a person are qualities that I cant wear on my sleeve. For example, a normal outgoing person might be very funny and quick witted. Many women are going to notice his personality which means theres a high chance someone will find it attractive and in turn like him.

I recently had a crush on a fellow night class student (she said she was living with a roommate and had no ring, so I assumed she was single). At first I didnt really care for her at all, but over time I noticed how articulate she was among other things and eventually I had a crush on her. In the lab by pure coincidence we were assigned to work near eachother. I started conversations with her but they didnt feel like they went anywhere meaningful.

So to impress her and possibly let her know I was interested I dressed up real nice with a hint of cologne. Now things appeared to change. She complimented my dress and had a really big smile on her face when talking to me and we held eye contact for what seemed like forever.

The next day she dressed up to kill, boots with what seemed like 4" heels, red lipstick and what seemed to be an intentionally exposed bra strap over one shoulder. Wow. Was this for me? In the lab I tried to talk to her...but nothing. She wouldnt even look at me. When she answered me she just kept busy and didnt even look my way. When she did look at me just the other day she was smiling at me with a grin so big I could see the last tooth in the back of her mouth. But now she would barely glance at me. It felt like she hated me. I kept the mood light in the class and some people were laughing at my jokes. But her? Nothing.

What did I do wrong? Did I simply read her wrong?

The last day of night school she was telling everyone how she was going to miss them, goodbye, etc, but not a single word to me. It was time for the final lab. I decided to see if she would initiate a conversation with me because I had always been the one to initiate communication. In time it was just us two in the lab. I wanted to talk to her because its in my nature to be friendly (the opposite of my father) but I decided to stay quiet and see if she would say anything. Anything. Anything.

Yeah, you guessed it. Not a single word. It felt like she hated me. I went home that night and cried on and off for hours. Did she care nothing for me at all? Or did she want me to pursue her further? All that I know for sure is that I will never see her again. And if there was a chance I blew it.

This was the first crush I've had in 5 years and I fear it may be another 5 before the next.

What am I doing wrong? How can I make myself more attractive to women form the outside? I need women to see who I am and become attracted to me. Otherwise finding a mate is going to take forever, if it ever happens.

 

[a.person61]

I'm no expert with this but heres some thing you can try
1, if you have a hobby find some groups regarding that hobby and meet some people you never know you could meet someone special there aswell
2, meet and talk to new people, ive found that when i did that once someone ended up asking me out.
3, have you tried the "law of attraction" ive heard good things about but im still waiting to try it my self.
4, maybe a fresh look? Eg new haircut, hit the gym, beard or no beard ect.
5, don't be afraid to ask, but make sure you don't say date or go out instead something like would you like to see a movie or have a coffee with me.

There some ideas best of luck, i would try the law of attraction first even if it doesn't really work, it's worth a go.

 

[lonelypanda]

It sounds like she was mad at you, how come you didn't ask her what's wrong? Maybe you did something unintentionally, the longer you let a woman stew the madder she will be.

 

[kamya]

Try not to worry about it. Either she is upset and has a communication problem, or you're really reading too much into things.

There are more women out there. I don't think you messed anything up here.

 

[ardour]

Or did she want me to pursue her further?

Probably, yeah.

Don't worry about this sort of person. Probably a narcissist. Forget it.

 

[michael2]

I'm no expert with this but heres some thing you can try
1, if you have a hobby find some groups regarding that hobby and meet some people you never know you could meet someone special there aswell
2, meet and talk to new people, ive found that when i did that once someone ended up asking me out.
3, have you tried the "law of attraction" ive heard good things about but im still waiting to try it my self.
4, maybe a fresh look? Eg new haircut, hit the gym, beard or no beard ect.
5, don't be afraid to ask, but make sure you don't say date or go out instead something like would you like to see a movie or have a coffee with me.

There some ideas best of luck, i would try the law of attraction first even if it doesn't really work, it's worth a go.

I think I'll try #2. Cant go wrong with meeting and getting to know new people. How else am I going to find someone?

It sounds like she was mad at you, how come you didn't ask her what's wrong? Maybe you did something unintentionally, the longer you let a woman stew the madder she will be.

I should have done this. However my personality always leans towards 'dont push the issue' and it carried over here. I'll try not to make that mistake next time.

Try not to worry about it. Either she is upset and has a communication problem, or you're really reading too much into things.

There are more women out there. I don't think you messed anything up here.

Its going to take me a while to get over the 'I'll never find anybody like her again' thing. Just not many people carry themselves like she did. Her mannerisms reminded me of myself and that was part of the attraction.

Or did she want me to pursue her further?

Probably, yeah.

Don't worry about this sort of person. Probably a narcissist. Forget it.

Even if this was true, I still regret not speaking to her that last day. Using the last day as some sort of experiment was a pretty selfish move on my part. I should have said some sort of 'goodbye' if for nothing else then thats who I truly am as a person without any sort of 'romantic' feelings at all - just straight up ignoring someone like that is not me. Its something I'll always regret but I promise to learn from it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone

 

[battleboy]

Long post coming up.

Im 30 years old. Never had a girlfriend, never had a girl show many any type of attention. And at this point Im wondering how much of this is my fault?

Growing up I was verbally abused almost every day by father. Some times I was beaten with branches or had heavy objects (2x4s, large books) thrown at me, but the verbal abuse I endured affected me far worse then any physical pain. At some point I made a conscious decision to be the opposite of my father. It was going to be my life's goal to not have his quick temper, to not scream at people or belittle them, to always make people feel comfortable around me and not fearful of my next move.

This has resulted in me becoming a quiet, mild person. But sometimes I wonder if being that way has made me someone who women might not be attracted to? I notice alot of the time women say they want 'strong, confident men'. I dont think they see me as strong and confident because of how mild I've become. For example, I almost always choose to avoid conflict, but I feel women may see this as someone who cant stand up for themselves, let alone them.

I worry no woman will ever get to know me enough to find who I am as attractive. I feel all my best traits as a person are qualities that I cant wear on my sleeve. For example, a normal outgoing person might be very funny and quick witted. Many women are going to notice his personality which means theres a high chance someone will find it attractive and in turn like him.

I recently had a crush on a fellow night class student (she said she was living with a roommate and had no ring, so I assumed she was single). At first I didnt really care for her at all, but over time I noticed how articulate she was among other things and eventually I had a crush on her. In the lab by pure coincidence we were assigned to work near eachother. I started conversations with her but they didnt feel like they went anywhere meaningful.

So to impress her and possibly let her know I was interested I dressed up real nice with a hint of cologne. Now things appeared to change. She complimented my dress and had a really big smile on her face when talking to me and we held eye contact for what seemed like forever.

The next day she dressed up to kill, boots with what seemed like 4" heels, red lipstick and what seemed to be an intentionally exposed bra strap over one shoulder. Wow. Was this for me? In the lab I tried to talk to her...but nothing. She wouldnt even look at me. When she answered me she just kept busy and didnt even look my way. When she did look at me just the other day she was smiling at me with a grin so big I could see the last tooth in the back of her mouth. But now she would barely glance at me. It felt like she hated me. I kept the mood light in the class and some people were laughing at my jokes. But her? Nothing.

What did I do wrong? Did I simply read her wrong?

The last day of night school she was telling everyone how she was going to miss them, goodbye, etc, but not a single word to me. It was time for the final lab. I decided to see if she would initiate a conversation with me because I had always been the one to initiate communication. In time it was just us two in the lab. I wanted to talk to her because its in my nature to be friendly (the opposite of my father) but I decided to stay quiet and see if she would say anything. Anything. Anything.

Yeah, you guessed it. Not a single word. It felt like she hated me. I went home that night and cried on and off for hours. Did she care nothing for me at all? Or did she want me to pursue her further? All that I know for sure is that I will never see her again. And if there was a chance I blew it.

This was the first crush I've had in 5 years and I fear it may be another 5 before the next.

What am I doing wrong? How can I make myself more attractive to women form the outside? I need women to see who I am and become attracted to me. Otherwise finding a mate is going to take forever, if it ever happens.

Hi Michael

Maybe you can ask her out still. Whats the worst that could happen? If you felt that you two had a vibe at that time it was the best time to strike, that does not mean that you cant still try to get back to that feeling. Is it possible for you to contact her maybe via Facebook - or any other social media platform I would and just casually ask her to coffee or maybe a quick lunch.. hope this helps

 

[michael2]

Hi Michael

Maybe you can ask her out still. Whats the worst that could happen? If you felt that you two had a vibe at that time it was the best time to strike, that does not mean that you cant still try to get back to that feeling. Is it possible for you to contact her maybe via Facebook - or any other social media platform I would and just casually ask her to coffee or maybe a quick lunch.. hope this helps

This crossed my mind a couple of times, but after doing alot of research on the internet about such things I've decided its probably best to just let it go.

Something I read really caught my attention - that the best relationships tend to be the ones where everything flows well even from the start. But I know thats going to be very difficult to find... Why cant life be as simple as the movies make it out to be? If this was a movie we'd bump into eachother again on accident. haha...

Yeah I still have these doubts popping up. I wonder what she was looking for that she didnt find in me but will find in a future partner. It makes me question who I am. But isnt it hypocritical of me complaining about someone being picky

It makes me think this whole dating thing is alot more difficult then many people make it out to be. The only people I know who were constantly in relationships were guys who flirted with any female within a 20 foot radius. For example this one guy I know, he was a serial dater. He would flirt with 10 different women and one of them would give him a chance. But he was never really serious about a relationship, he just wanted someone to kiss on, etc. Eventually one of these girls felt seriously about him and he reluctantly agreed to marriage. After 5 years and one child they divorced and now the kid has to grow up with his mother 4 states away from his father.

I just think alot of people date or marry out of desperation of not finding another person...and thats a reason for so many divorces. I just see alot of unhappy couples here and there. I dont know, maybe Im just making excuses.

This is why I think things are so hard on me...I just dont want to date anyone. I'd rather stay lonely then marry the wrong person and end up in some sort of quagmire. Its not about looks at all. This is probably TMI, but oddly enough I had zero sexual attraction to any of my crushes. They looked alright but nothing to really write home about. I just really admired who they were.

So enough rambling and complaining. The biggest change I'll make is trying to meet more people. Its the only chance I got.

 

[battleboy]

Maybe your fear of just settling is over powering your judgement in a way? You dont feel attracted to them but you admired them and who they were.... your waiting for a complete package perhaps she is out there. I dont think right now you know what your complete package is that is why dating is extremely important but you have a idea of what you want. Thats okay ,but that idea can change if you meet the right person...

 

[michael2]

Maybe your fear of just settling is over powering your judgement in a way? You dont feel attracted to them but you admired them and who they were.... your waiting for a complete package perhaps she is out there. I dont think right now you know what your complete package is that is why dating is extremely important but you have a idea of what you want. Thats okay ,but that idea can change if you meet the right person...

Thanks, this is good advice. How can I really know who I want without dating? And thats an interesting point that idea of who I like may change if I meet the right person. So the mission is clear - start dating! Easier said then done unfortunately.

Another thanks to everyone for reading this topic or responding to it. I feel so much better having an outlet to say these things that I would normally just bottle up inside which would slowly eat me from the inside out.

 

[ApexRacer]

I'm also 30 and in a very similar situation. I've dated one girl in my life at 21 and it only lasted 3 months. I haven't had a single date since then and I've struggled with finding anyone to show any interest in me.

I'm also a very quiet person. I don't initiate even a hello much and I think it makes it seem like I'm also not interested in them. When I look in the mirror I honestly don't even know what people think of me. Some days/weeks are really bad and I have pimples or cysts and it just really kills my confidence. Other times my face is 99% clear and it really helps my confidence, but I still feel the same way deep down inside about myself. I just feel like acne ruined my entire personality and life because I let it control my emotions.

I've made a change this year that really made me a happier person. I changed jobs and bought a business which I really like. I also recently moved to a better area which I love. I feel those were two areas in my life that I didn't like so I needed a change. It was a huge change for me.

I really wish I could share this life with someone else. It's just so sad to think about. Even if I do get one single date I don't expect it to go anywhere. I need to be going on one or more dates weekly since I have zero experience and the few dates I have gone on I'm always a nervous wreck. I'm scared my experience is going to show. I don't even have the confidence where it counts to even worry about a single first date yet.

 

[ardour]

Hi Michael

Maybe you can ask her out still. Whats the worst that could happen? If you felt that you two had a vibe at that time it was the best time to strike, that does not mean that you cant still try to get back to that feeling. Is it possible for you to contact her maybe via Facebook - or any other social media platform I would and just casually ask her to coffee or maybe a quick lunch.. hope this helps

There's a school of thought out there that says if a man asks without being certain that the interest reciprocated, then he's a creep who has harmed her through the trauma of having to endure unwanted attention. This is why many of us don't feel comfortable asking women out.

 

[michael2]

I'm also 30 and in a very similar situation. I've dated one girl in my life at 21 and it only lasted 3 months. I haven't had a single date since then and I've struggled with finding anyone to show any interest in me.

I'm also a very quiet person. I don't initiate even a hello much and I think it makes it seem like I'm also not interested in them. When I look in the mirror I honestly don't even know what people think of me. Some days/weeks are really bad and I have pimples or cysts and it just really kills my confidence. Other times my face is 99% clear and it really helps my confidence, but I still feel the same way deep down inside about myself. I just feel like acne ruined my entire personality and life because I let it control my emotions.

I've made a change this year that really made me a happier person. I changed jobs and bought a business which I really like. I also recently moved to a better area which I love. I feel those were two areas in my life that I didn't like so I needed a change. It was a huge change for me.

I really wish I could share this life with someone else. It's just so sad to think about. Even if I do get one single date I don't expect it to go anywhere. I need to be going on one or more dates weekly since I have zero experience and the few dates I have gone on I'm always a nervous wreck. I'm scared my experience is going to show. I don't even have the confidence where it counts to even worry about a single first date yet.

Im happy to hear about your situation improving. Hopefully it continues to help with your confidence and happiness.

Maybe just do what Im going to do - expect the humiliation of rejection or a failed date and embrace it. See it as necessary pain to reach a greater goal. When you work out really hard, you may feel exhausted and be in pain. And you wont see the results right away. But in the long run all the pain and suffering will eventually pay off and you WILL get the results. You will find someone. All we have to do is keep trying and not give up. Believe in the power of the human spirit, that despite overwhelming odds, our willpower can be more then enough to make something special happen.

Just when that moment comes make the most of it. I have a terrible feeling I messed things up so badly with this wonderful girl at my nightschool class. Part of the issue was my reluctance to simply....love her. I kept having doubts that anyone could ever love me. So expecting a rejection, I refused to love her completely. By this I mean I did not show her any affection. I was friendly to her, but I did not LOVE her. And she certainly felt that. All I did was screw things up to the point where she didnt even have a chance to reject me, if thats what she was going to do.

Whoever you fall for next, dont make my mistake, dont be just a friendly guy. Love her.

There's a school of thought out there that says if a man asks without being certain that the interest reciprocated, then he's a creep who has harmed her through the trauma of having to endure unwanted attention. This is why many of us don't feel comfortable asking women out.

This terrifies me. I worry that if I let somebody know how I really feel I'll look like a creepy stalker. 5 or so years ago I got this crush on this girl, and my workmates suggested I give her a note with my phone number for her to call me. It was a stupid thing to do, I know. But I didnt know any better. I had the crush for weeks and it had began to eat me up on the inside, so I felt compelled to do something. I wanted the feeling to go away so bad because I knew it was all going to end badly. I ended up laying in bed next to the phone into the night and eventually just cried myself to sleep. The next day at work I had to face her. She looked at me a couple times emotionless. I was so devastated I didnt eat for 5 days.

Then in the coming weeks I guess she found my affection for her as a feather in her hat. It seemed she started 'prancing' around me, etc.

So at first she might have felt 'trauma' at my unwanted attention but in time it seemed she saw it as a compliment, it flattered her.

I think it depends on the girl whether they see your affection as flattering or as trauma.

 

[ApexRacer]

Im happy to hear about your situation improving. Hopefully it continues to help with your confidence and happiness.

Maybe just do what Im going to do - expect the humiliation of rejection or a failed date and embrace it. See it as necessary pain to reach a greater goal. When you work out really hard, you may feel exhausted and be in pain. And you wont see the results right away. But in the long run all the pain and suffering will eventually pay off and you WILL get the results. You will find someone. All we have to do is keep trying and not give up. Believe in the power of the human spirit, that despite overwhelming odds, our willpower can be more then enough to make something special happen.

Just when that moment comes make the most of it. I have a terrible feeling I messed things up so badly with this wonderful girl at my nightschool class. Part of the issue was my reluctance to simply....love her. I kept having doubts that anyone could ever love me. So expecting a rejection, I refused to love her completely. By this I mean I did not show her any affection. I was friendly to her, but I did not LOVE her. And she certainly felt that. All I did was screw things up to the point where she didnt even have a chance to reject me, if thats what she was going to do.

Whoever you fall for next, dont make my mistake, dont be just a friendly guy. Love her.

Yes I definitely expect a failed date and I totally believe if I had more options lined up I wouldn't stress so much over a single date and it would go a little more smoothly. I just can't man up enough to even get a date no matter how much I want to.

The one relationship I had 9 years ago I actually loved her too much. I got very attached and I was scared to ever lose her from the get go. All it did was push her away. If I didn't put so much emphasis on a single date or a single person I believe I wouldn't get so nervous or attached.

I wish I knew someone personally in the same situation as me so we could work at this together. I look at people and figure everyone has no troubles with this like I do.

 

[michael2]

Yes I definitely expect a failed date and I totally believe if I had more options lined up I wouldn't stress so much over a single date and it would go a little more smoothly. I just can't man up enough to even get a date no matter how much I want to.

The one relationship I had 9 years ago I actually loved her too much. I got very attached and I was scared to ever lose her from the get go. All it did was push her away. If I didn't put so much emphasis on a single date or a single person I believe I wouldn't get so nervous or attached.

I wish I knew someone personally in the same situation as me so we could work at this together. I look at people and figure everyone has no troubles with this like I do.

Remember all you can do is your best. Your best is enough. If something doesnt work out, it probably wasnt for the better. But we can always improve what our 'best' is. For example, I have learned I need to open up more to girls Im interested in despite an intense fear of rejection proving my unworthiness. And perhaps you've opened up too much too soon in the past. The key is to balance love - not too much or not too little.

When feeling stressed over a date, try to relax and have fun with it. If your not comfortable then she will probably have trouble feeling comfortable as well. This girl I talked to at night class...sometimes I could talk to her freely, most of the time I would just freeze up. The worst part is thats not who I am and it kills me she never really saw the real me. But recognizing our mistakes means nothing if we dont fix them the next time we get a chance.

I dont know when I'll find someone else Im interested in or in the most rarest of circumstances someone interested in me. Honestly, I cant see it happening outside of pure chance. So it feels like it will never happen. But we have to fight not to let that affect how we view relationships.

Do you have anybody you can talk to about this? It will probably help you alot. I have nobody to talk to about these things. Thats why this forum has been something of a life raft for me. But it certainly cant beat talking to someone in reality.

 

[ApexRacer]

No there really isn't anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this. It grows tiresome having to pretend I like being single when people notice I'm always single. I can't tell anyone the real reason.

 

[Serenia]

Hi Michael

Maybe you can ask her out still. Whats the worst that could happen? If you felt that you two had a vibe at that time it was the best time to strike, that does not mean that you cant still try to get back to that feeling. Is it possible for you to contact her maybe via Facebook - or any other social media platform I would and just casually ask her to coffee or maybe a quick lunch.. hope this helps

There's a school of thought out there that says if a man asks without being certain that the interest reciprocated, then he's a creep who has harmed her through the trauma of having to endure unwanted attention. This is why many of us don't feel comfortable asking women out.

I have yet to meet any other women who subscribe to this cast of thought. Being asked out by a guy whom I may not feel I want go on a date with would not creep me out at all.

The times I have been creeped out have usually been on the first date. Because I believe you can't possibly know what someone is like from asking you out with nerves etc I have always accepted for the chance to get to know them. The one instance I have said no to a date, I found the mans personality repulsive,he was openly chauvanistic, lazy, a taker, asked lewd questions, proud of these facts, and he would not accept no for an answer and I had to threaten him with the police.

The times I have been creeped out on first dates, are down to, rude behaviour to others and then sickenly nice to me in the same breath. One guy asked inappropriate things (not sexual) from me, things you would only ask a long time friend or been in a relationship a long time, and was offended that I would not share. One guy only grunted words at me. He never started anything, so it was awkward silence unless I asked something and then he grunted, but felt it was ok to stroke my thigh. Oh and the all pretending to be into you nicely then sending an absolutely filthy text message a few days later.

Those where creepy in my eyes, I certainly felt creeped out, but it doesn't make me cast aspirtions on all other guys at all.