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Finally get what i didn't get that time. I was sort of right after all. I took the easy blatant way, but the issue was more refined. 

Now i don't know what it means for me. It's really tempting to take the same way, but nothing suggests that that will be a good idea in any measurable form.

I vaguely feel like i can amass some will to do something though. That's been a while. I don't entirely like that. I still feel like i've had enough. I guess this is in spite of. Just thinking about it obliterates any will to try. Why would i. 

But now it seems like this is why, there's an ever so slight i can get it back, that i can have my cake and eat it too.

And so, maybe.