OnlySpeculation
Member
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2012
- Messages
- 5
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Let me first say that I hate myself for complaining about something that I know that I cannot change and so therefore it is not worth complaining about, because it is in no way conducive to my health. I can't seem to get away from the regret though. Who I used to be just keeps playing in my mind and she keeps rubbing my face in the all the stuff that I've done wrong that has lead me to this point in my life, which is nowhere near where I thought I would be. It physically makes me sick when I think about it.
I used to do so much. I used to participate in youth leadership conferences and I was selected to attend many conferences on youth leadership and empowerment, I helped to create youth groups in my community. I used to talk in front of gymnasiums full of people. I used to sing in front of stadiums full of people! I used to believe in myself and I used to love who I was, even if I wasn't exactly satisfied with a certain aspect of my being. It was like, whatever, I can change that, give me a minute. I used to have dreams, doing exceptionally well in school so that I could reach those goals that I set for myself. At first, I did very well in college. I actually enjoyed learning, I enjoyed the challenge. At one point I was a pillar in my community and people would say as I approached a mic to sing or speak of life, "sshhh, she's going to say something." I was helping to create change. I was helping people create change.
Then something happened, inside of myself. In my mind. I was irrational, angry, sad, impulsive, panicked, and then I was fine. After the initial episode of depression and then an upswing to manic, it has been a never ending cycle of ups and downs and no medication or therapy has seemed to help ease the motion sickness. Until recently I have been able to cope with the swings, picking myself up each time the manic or depressive episodes left me wondering, what the **** was I thinking? It's so unnerving when it happens and then I'm fine again. I make so many bad decisions and I can't really explain my reasoning to those affected because they don't even want to understand and my talking sounds like never ending excuses. It's so frustrating and I am so damn tired. How can I tell someone, "uhhh, sorry for breaking your trust in me, I was feeling a bit crazy." Can you really just tell someone that and expect them to understand? It doesn't seem appropriate. Do you know what I mean?
I have burned so many bridges and I have come so far from where I was heading, I don't even know where I am at. I feel as if I don't even want to go on, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to dream and hope for better days and then I just throw away my progress impulsively. It's stupid. My rational self knows that this is the time when I need to get up and put one foot in front of the other and just go until I get somewhere, then I can look back and be glad that I did. But I just can't let go of how much time I've burned up. It makes me so sick. I know I'm not too old to make myself someone better than I am now, but I can't help but feel like it sometimes.
My biggest fear is that five years from now I will have changed my life and I will be headed somewhere great, and then I will crash and do something to throw it all away. It makes me feel really stupid. I know that I am not but it's easy to feel that I am because I make such stupid choices when I don't feel like myself. I know it's my disease. How could I ever want this struggle for myself? It's so ridiculous! and frustrating! I wish that I could think clearly for once and see myself realistically. I have an opportunity in my hands right now, and as I type I am slowly tearing it to pieces to pass in the wind. What the **** am I thinking?
I, like many others who have posted on this forum, feel as if I will never be well and that I will constantly battle myself for the right to enjoy this life. I really am so damn tired. I'm sick and I don't know how to approach it.
