What would you do?

[Butterfly 2]

Just for a bit of background, I lost my husband to covid pneumonia earlier this month. He had just been diagnosed with stage 4 widespread cancer, but was ready for the battle and was doing well with chemo and radiation when that plague moved in and took his life.

With him gone, there are several things that I need to change since we always just had both of our names on things like savings bonds or CDs or IRAs or the car, etc.

There is one offspring and there has been no contact for nearly 20 years and that was not our choice. We have grandchildren that we spent a lot of time with and loved and were loved by them, but of course that relationship was severed by the two monsters. If you know anyone who is narcissistic or sociopathic, you pretty much have an idea of what type of people I am referring to. Those two monsters raised our grandchildren and I can only imagine some of the things they have said about us. Unfortunately, the grandchildren have not tried to make contact with us. We were afraid to contact them because of their parents threat of a restraining order and refused to let us see them. It broke our hearts and I know it broke their hearts at the time, too.

So what do I do about beneficiaries? What would you do? I have no family of my own left, but my brother's family has always been there for us and were actually there for us until the very end. My brother is no longer on Earth either so that isn't one of the options.

Do I trust that our adult grandchildren have turned into the same loving souls they were when they were little and put them down as beneficiaries or would their parents bully them into turning it over to them? Or are they maybe not as nice of people as we have been praying they will be when they grow up?

Or do we just go with the people who have stayed a part of our lives and been supportive and kind to us? Any input is welcome.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Any thoughts on this at all?

 

[Finished]

Sorry for your loss and sorry for your family problems. I'm surprised nobody has responded yet. I guess the thread got burried. I have assets and absolutely nobody in this world (IRL) that cares one **** about me. I will NOT allow it to go to any family period! IMO, if they are not part of your life then they are not part of your life. It's kind of like they are saying F U. So, F U to them.

I currently have my assets going to things that I enjoy or have enjoyed in the past like public television, the zoo, different museums, and various other charitable organizations. I will probably change things around as I continue to get older, as everybody should. I may even get so tired of our current government that I give it all to anti-government groups.

IMO, you should also give your assets to people or groups that have enriched you life. Or, maybe groups that help others like battered women's shelters, food pantries, or other groups that support the community that you like. That way you can feel good about it going to help real people in real need not just going to family you barely know in order to buy a nicer car or something else they probably don't need.

A little money can go a long ways for many of the local charities that directly help the community and are run by volunteers.

Oh yeah, to keep your family from fighting the will and winning, make sure to list each one in your will and leave them $1 so they can't say you meant to leave them something but forgot. Plus it's a bonus when they get all excited about getting free money and then realize it's just a dollar. Excited to pissed in two seconds. Ha! hA!

 

[Butterfly 2]

Sorry for your loss and sorry for your family problems. I'm surprised nobody has responded yet. I guess the thread got burried. I have assets and absolutely nobody in this world (IRL) that cares one **** about me. I will NOT allow it to go to any family period! IMO, if they are not part of your life then they are not part of your life. It's kind of like they are saying F U. So, F U to them.

I currently have my assets going to things that I enjoy or have enjoyed in the past like public television, the zoo, different museums, and various other charitable organizations. I will probably change things around as I continue to get older, as everybody should. I may even get so tired of our current government that I give it all to anti-government groups.

IMO, you should also give your assets to people or groups that have enriched you life. Or, maybe groups that help others like battered women's shelters, food pantries, or other groups that support the community that you like. That way you can feel good about it going to help real people in real need not just going to family you barely know in order to buy a nicer car or something else they probably don't need.

A little money can go a long ways for many of the local charities that directly help the community and are run by volunteers.

Oh yeah, to keep your family from fighting the will and winning, make sure to list each one in your will and leave them $1 so they can't say you meant to leave them something but forgot. Plus it's a bonus when they get all excited about getting free money and then realize it's just a dollar. Excited to pissed in two seconds. Ha! hA!

Thank you so much for your reply and I was also surprised that no one had any feedback.

I think your suggestions are very good, but here is the problem I have. Our grandchildren loved us and wanted to be a part of our lives so I can't blame them for this outcome. I am surprised they haven't reached out to us since they are now grown, but I'm well aware of many of the things they were probably told throughout their entire childhood so God only knows what they think of us. We had actually talked about reaching out to them, but didn't know if we could emotionally survive if we were turned away by them.

A large part of what we have comes from my parents working 16 to 18 hours a day, doing hard physical labor because they were farmers. Those kids are their great grandchildren and my parents always believed you should live modestly and try to leave something for your children so they can have a better life and it should continue that way through the generations. Naturally it's going to skip one generation, but I'm still not sure how I would feel about just giving it away after they spent their entire lives struggling.

I know that at this point of my life, this is actually one of the least of my problems, but it is something that I have to do in the very near future since I can't just leave things on my name alone.

Again, thank you for your feedback because solutions are always clearer to someone who isn't involved and I welcome any more thoughts.

 

[Puppykat56]

Hello, Butterfly 2. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your husband was a good man and that you loved each other very much. I don't really have any advice for you - Finished is pretty darn spot-on most of the time - a very clever human! In my family, my mother was the narcissist. I do not blame her for any of my life's decisions that went awry - but she screwed up my internal compass and my self-esteem enough to last the rest of my life. I know of which you speak - and when it is someone you love and whose love means the world to you, it's just that much worse when you realize there is no love inside of them. I have one daughter in her 30s who does not want children, so I will never have a grandchild. I never say anything to her about it because she has to do what's right for her, but I wish with all of my being that I could have a grandchild or two. I think after reading your second post when you said that your parents would have wanted to help their great-grandchildren, that you should follow your heart and do what feels right. If it were me, I'd hope for that semblance of human decency to be present in my grandchildren and I would leave them something in my will. They didn't get to choose their parents.

 

[dan27]

Well, if you can actually reach your Grand kids would be a start, to know the

Truth of their feelings now, towards you.

At least half might be nice for your brother's crew.

Maybe, the other half divided amongst the grand kids if favorable.

Otherwise, gift your favorite charities.

(You OWE nothing to anyone but what your Heart chooses. )

Peace & be well.

 

[Finished]

Well, if you can actually reach your Grand kids would be a start, to know the

Truth of their feelings now, towards you.

Yes! This was going to be my follow up remark. Actively search them out and get to know who they are now. Maybe they think you are ignoring them and don't like them for some reason.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Thank you so much for your input. I will have to reread this in the morning.

We would have reached out to our grandchildren sooner, but I don't know if we could take the rejection. I'm sure they have been told many horrible lies about us because, well, that's just who their parents are.

 

[user 188522]

I like Dan's advice. Follow your heart.

 

[Sir Joseph]

It's no simple matter to follow one's heart when it's confused with conflicting feelings. I find your issue particularly interesting Butterfly2 since my Dad's recent passing and estate concerns have put me to work revising my own beneficiaries. I agree with most of the other comments here but will add my own specifics.

With no related parents or children, I am left with only 4 marginal, unloving siblings for potential family beneficiaries. In my view, none of them deserve my savings. And unlike you, I earned all of my money and thus feel no obligation for passing down a family inheritance.

On the other hand, I recognize the many blessings the Lord's given me in life, and I have a sincere desire to give back. The money I've saved represents my time and effort, and how benevolent it'd be to make that offering to an organization that serves a good cause.

I'm confident that my chosen Christian beneficiaries, intent on saving souls or helping others, will serve a greater cause than gifting money to my siblings. But, what about showing unconditional love to unwarranted family members? Maybe that act in and of itself will impact their character in a good way. One can't know, so here's how I've settled the matter with my own beneficiaries.

First, I named all siblings equal parts despite any potential earned differences or needs. Second, I added a best friend on equal par with the siblings - as a thank you for being a loyal, best friend and as one who can really use the money for his tough, handicapped life. Third, I allocated the various accounts so that about 1/3rd of my assets go to family & friend while 2/3rds go to my worthy cause in life. I believe that the siblings, expecting little or nothing, will be pleased with my modest gift and that the act of love will be noticed in a beneficial way. At the same time, I'm pleased, knowing that the majority of my life's work and savings will go towards a worthy cause that serves the Lord.

In your case, the grandkids may truely deserve a gift from you more than the kids. But, know that skipping a generation with your inheritance would send one message (of permanent divisiveness), while including all family members would send another message (of unconditional love and forgiveness).

Perhaps you might resolve your problem by giving equally to all family members, but limiting the amount. The other, half or larger, portion can safely go to an organization that represents your heart's strongest values. That would make your final act in life a good deed, pleasing all concerned parties.

 

[Butterfly 2]

What a blessing, sir joseph, that you posted this today since I got a notification and I don't have to look for this spread. I like the way you think and you sound like you are a very loving and ethical person.

Since several of you took the time to post and give me much to ponder, I wanted to update in this thread.

Throughout the years, I have done searches on my grandchildren and a few things popped up here and there, but today something new was visible and it opened my eyes. Being raised by the gruesome twosome, it appears they are exactly like them and nothing like the wonderful little souls they came into the Earth as being. It's also evident they have the strong loyalty to their awful parents that I'm sure was required of them.

So I have decided this. The relatives who have always been here for us through thick and thin and a few causes are the ones I will remember in my will. Maybe I am not as kind of a person as I always felt I was. If someone hasn't needed me for decades, I don't need them either.

Finished and I appear to like the same things like the zoo, public broadcasting, etc. Most of our donations in the past have gone to causes for animals so of course, that will be number one on the list.

I just wanted to mention that I believed what many of you said, but I had a hard time accepting it, but you were the ones who were spot on.

 

[Sir Joseph]

And thus, discussing the matter with others has helped you solidify your opinion and decision - which sounds rational and reasonable.

 

[Jessica Jones]

Just for a bit of background, I lost my husband to covid pneumonia earlier this month. He had just been diagnosed with stage 4 widespread cancer, but was ready for the battle and was doing well with chemo and radiation when that plague moved in and took his life.

With him gone, there are several things that I need to change since we always just had both of our names on things like savings bonds or CDs or IRAs or the car, etc.

There is one offspring and there has been no contact for nearly 20 years and that was not our choice. We have grandchildren that we spent a lot of time with and loved and were loved by them, but of course that relationship was severed by the two monsters. If you know anyone who is narcissistic or sociopathic, you pretty much have an idea of what type of people I am referring to. Those two monsters raised our grandchildren and I can only imagine some of the things they have said about us. Unfortunately, the grandchildren have not tried to make contact with us. We were afraid to contact them because of their parents threat of a restraining order and refused to let us see them. It broke our hearts and I know it broke their hearts at the time, too.

So what do I do about beneficiaries? What would you do? I have no family of my own left, but my brother's family has always been there for us and were actually there for us until the very end. My brother is no longer on Earth either so that isn't one of the options.

Do I trust that our adult grandchildren have turned into the same loving souls they were when they were little and put them down as beneficiaries or would their parents bully them into turning it over to them? Or are they maybe not as nice of people as we have been praying they will be when they grow up?

Or do we just go with the people who have stayed a part of our lives and been supportive and kind to us? Any input is welcome.

Oh wow! I'm going through the exact same thing with my children and grandchildren, whom I have never met in person.

I would try and find the children first and ini tiate the contact. I had a couple of "monsters" who came and ripped my family apart too and then my mother and sister joined in. I know it won't be easy but it's not those children's fault if their thinking has been altered. I would make contact and see how they act first, and pray about it a lot. Perhaps if they see you are interested in them their attitudes if damaged may improve . Then ask God for wisdom of what to do next.

 

[Jessica Jones]

I replied to this earlier, but Wow I thought I was the only one going Ng through this with the "two monsters" who came in and tore up my childrends minds. Certainly ;though, one must remember that it was not their fault that mommy and daddy divorced. I would take it slow and make contact with the children first and see who is most receptive to you . Then ask for God's advice and guidance. You may be saprized who is receptive and who isn't. I'm going through this very thing right now myself.

 

[Jessica Jones]

Sorry I didn't see my previous reply. I thought it got lost.

 

[Butterfly 2]

And thus, discussing the matter with others has helped you solidify your opinion and decision - which sounds rational and reasonable.

Yes. It seems like when I see the problems of others, I can think of a couple of solutions and see things more clearly than when it is my own problem and that's probably quite normal. I'm just so grateful for this forum because there are people who have helped me see things that just weren't clear to me.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Sorry I didn't see my previous reply. I thought it got lost.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this also. You can send a message to me if you ever feel like talking about it or need some moral support.

Oh I don't blame the children at all, but there are things I have learned recently that make me aware of the fact that things I learned nearly 20 years ago are probably true. People who are psychopathic or narcissistic only get more cruel and more controlling with age. And it's obvious they still have the children under their wing and it's obvious they are still in control of their lives even though the children are grown. I would never hold it against them because they were so little and they loved us and didn't want the separation either. But I know how they've been raised and who they were raised by. If I wouldn't have learned things that I have discovered recently, I probably would have made that call, but it's too heartbreaking to be turned away by them and that's exactly what would happen.

 

[charlotte craig]

Just for a bit of background, I lost my husband to covid pneumonia earlier this month. He had just been diagnosed with stage 4 widespread cancer, but was ready for the battle and was doing well with chemo and radiation when that plague moved in and took his life.

Or do we just go with the people who have stayed a part of our lives and been supportive and kind to us? Any input is welcome.

Hi am so sorry about the loss of your husband, must have been very tiring and stressful and sad. You can leave money to anyone - they do not need to meet you, speak to you or acknowledge it or anything. Its entirely up to you. But dont use giving something in a will as a way to get contact again or change the situation, it wont work. If you leave money to kids put it in trust if its a decent size. If parents can bully them they cant be grown ups or wise. Wise grown ups would not let parents bully them, and would stay away from bullying parents not even spending time with them. I would never give my hard earned money to someone who isnt wise and would waste it or give it away.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Thank you. You just reaffirmed the decision that I made. I don't want to use possessions as a weapon to get even or to lure someone to be with me. I just want someone to have it who has been kind to us and has been a part of our life.

I don't blame the grandchildren and hopefully as they grow older, they will be able to gain a bit of freedom. It's hard to explain what monsters their parents are and how harsh and controlling they are.

Thank you for your input.

 

[charlotte craig]

Grandkids become adults and then have all the freedom they want unless they turn into parasites who continue to live with older relatives for an easy life, where someone else pays for everything and does all the chores etc. Anyone who chooses this gets an easy life for a few years and then a rude awakening when their elders die. In which case you know they arent smart, nice or mature people.
Ive worked very hard for years, very very hard, and now have a lot of money, property, investments, stocks and shares and all the rest. AND no family, none worth leaving it to at all. I am working hard at spending it on myself, not leaving it to anyone. Having to earn your own money builds your character and makes you stronger, smarter, more resourceful, having it given to you can make you lazy, soft, childish and never learning by mistakes. But if you have nice decent family and they bother to visit, phone, text etc and not just a christmas card now and then when they think you are on your last legs and greedy, great.