I don't know.
I walk my high school GF home on good friday a week before
the prom...She fucken died that weekend.
I got totally wasted for years
My best friend messed my finacee while i was sitting in class.
I really had to get fuked up out my mind.
i used to pray everyday that somehow ..if there is a god, that
god would keep my family together...I love my duaghter so much.
I really, really really got messed up out of my fucken mind after
the divorce.
I was strap to the fucken hospital bed for over a month after a
suicide attemp. I hated life..I hated everything and everyone
that brought me back to life...I got tottally, tottally wasted.
Life was a fucken blurrrrr for a couple of years. I spent all my money
on booze ,dope, woman and whatever the fresia. Another suicide
attemp....the fucken slow version. All of the people that pretended
they where my freinds wern't around after all the dope and money
was gone...I didn't give a rats ass one way or the other.
I was out there...way the fresia out there. Reality sucked ass
and life's on life's term was a major fucken pain in the ass.
I was suckered into attending an AA meeting...I didn't know what the
fresia that was. A hooker friend of mine ran a little scam to get me
into a meeting. Yeah..fucken JC's best freind was a fucken hooker too.
Marry , marry, mother fucken christmas.
SOB talking about fucken god in meetings was the last god **** thing
I wanted to hear...Working the 12 steps was the last god ****
thing I wanted to do.
But I thought I give it try...oh fucken will. Nothing else worked.
I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I sobered up..met a very beautful girl. She loved me so fucken
much it fucken hurted. I live with her for 5 years...She kept telling
me...go back to the fucken meetings even if I was still clean and
sober..I didn't listen. So she left my ass again.
I though god was a fucken major lunatic with bag pranks.
But i went back...Later i started dating. All kinds
of women chasing after my ass..I was single with fucken
money to fucken burn again. Then I got together with my GF.
12 years into this crap...my god **** sponsee messed her.
Not again...not the same honeysuckle..especailly if it was a fucken
god thing ..if I was doing service work and helping anohter
recoverying addict...fresia!!!!..GOD **** IT. i didn't get
clean and sober to have to deal with this crap.
So I figure I love a normy..Will. Jenni fucken died last year.
fresia..fresia..fresia. What fucken gives..and where the fresia
is GOD in all this honeysuckle ? Didn't god know she reminded me so
much my HS gf...WTF ?????
I still havn't had to drink or used over it..but fresia man, i felt
like a fucken lunatic on a good day. I'm hanging on by a piece
of thread at times...
So my ex-gf gave me a hug last night..i don't know what the fresia
that was all about...But i did pray for years for her to hold
me..just hold me. She was a stone cold heartless ***** for years.
Yeah..i guess that's such as fucken mirracle.
Maybe she and I should get back together....I'll fucken relapse, tear her honeysuckle up..
be the devil may care fucken fella for the next 3-4 years.
Have her get down on her fucken knees praying every god **** night..like a fucken lunatic.
Fair is Fair
I'm stuck on step #2 again. Somewhere it say..."Seeing is beliving"
err..what the hell did I just witness ?
I don't fucken know....
I can't do the holi roller, mystical being crap at the moment.
I have a sponsor that loves me, cares about me and helping me through all this honeysuckle.
He's not going to use me or abuse me...
He's a doctor shitting money up the wazoo.
He gives me Good Orderly Directions.
Don't drink or use
be grateful
be positive
help others
go to meetings
Read recovery literature.
Write
face my fears
Pray a fucken lot for my fucken ex-gf...even though I'm faking it and just going through the motion.
That's about all i can chew on for the moment.
Most likely he'll throw honeysuckle out of nowhere like..... i have to forgive her next.
Probably the next hardest thing I'll have to do.
I still hate the stupid *****.
Mental, emotional and spiritaul growth probably...And i'm not a fucken saint either.