hello guys, im devastated. i cheated on my boyfriend. it wasnt delibrate. now its blown up in my face. not that he found out but you know how most women are. we can harldy have continuos sex with someone without developing something for him. long story short i cheated and iv fallen for the person i cheated with, who happens to treat me like a sex object
okay so first of all, i NEVER EVER in my entire life thought il for once cheat. i never approved cheating and i hated cheaters.
in all my relationships i never cheated except this present one.
my boyfriend loves me and treats me like a queen. but he has in the past unconsiously made me to hate my body more than i ever did. everything he loves in a woman's body (u guessed right) i lack. he can get so lost staring at a fully endowed woman when im there. his previous girlfriends have all it takes to make a man will his entire property to them.
when i tell him how he makes me feel he tells me he loves me just the way i am. okay dats nice but i dont want him to be just content. its like "i don't have this so il make do with what i have" i want to be what he wants. i couldnt stand him looking at those girls that reminded me of my body issues.
even in bed, i thought i was good untill i met him. he was the first guy i made love to who never moaned. he once told me about his previous sex life (i forced him to) and how crazy it was. again he said i was the best because i was the one he loved the most. i didnt want to be the best because he loved me, i wanted to be the best simply because i truly knew how to play my game. i thought i cld never make him feel the way they used to because i dint have what he truly desires in a woman's body.
my sexual self-esteem started going down the drain. i really needed to be told hw sexy i was and that was how i got caught up in the game of cheating.
thats hw i started cheating. of cause they all told me everything i wanted to here, i felt like a sex icon when i was with them and i made them feel i was the 9th wonder of the world in bed. sure i developed something for some of them (how did i ever think i cld turn my emotions). oh yeah few of them treated me like a sex object and they were the ones i happened to fall for. the fact that they never cared about me emotionally made me even want them more. i ended up leaving them but i was hurt and miserable and definitely felt more low.
then i met someone who i really liked. he lives down my street. we became good friends then he started asking me out. he told me i was sexy and he really wanted me. wen i complained about the size of my breast and *** he always told me he was crazy about the sizes and thats exactly what he loves about my body. he said he loved my waist too. of cause that's what i wanted to hear. even though i vowed never to cheat again, i broke my promise.
naturally he wasnt good at being sensitive. he took things for granted. i knew this so i decided not to fall this time else ll just be heart broken again. i was pretty good at seperating my emotions for a about a year. but then i started to fall again. i fell because like the other guys he didnt care emotionally about me. he even told me he had other girls because he wasnt the type of guy who cld commit. i told him i had fallen for him and he said nothing!! but sometimes i thought he liked me and did not just want to show it.
one day we did not use protection (i always use protection) so after a while, i jokingly lied to him i was pregnant. he bluntly told me to remove it, he turned to the tv and started gisting and laughing with his friends. i left and he called just briefly when he saw my missed call. 2 days later i told him i was keeping the pregnancy and he said all sorts of things like i was forcing him to marry me. he also said he was with me cause of the sex. it was a major blow. i thought he at least like me a little. i never knew i was completly a sex object to him. 3 days later(which was yesterday) without any call from him, i told him i was removing the pregnancy and he just said okay. he looked at me like "im done with you"
the most crazy thing is now i know what i am to him, it makes me fall for him the more. out of all the guys i have cheated with i feel conected to him the most, even though he always acted like he never cared about love or or anybody's feelings. he comes to my house like he's just a friend and everyone likes him. its crazy but im in love with him. i want to be with him
i find myself thinking about him all the time. this is clearly not normal cos i was nothing but an object of pleasure to him. i plan to tell him i wasnt pregnant afterall, and how he hurt my feelings. i know it wont make him care more but i really need to move on. and can only do so by telling him the way i feel. for now im doing nothing which is making it so hard.
i think the reason i fall for guys like this is because first of all i want to be the one to make them fall in love. and then when it doesnt work i feel like im not woman enough and then it makes me want them the more because i realize they are hard.
iv heard stories of girls who are treated like nothing in relationships but just cant back out. these same girls have people who really like them but to no avail.
how can i move on without constantly wondering if he's thinking of me. hw can i stick to my boyfriend and not get caught up in this web forever again
?
im sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.
okay so first of all, i NEVER EVER in my entire life thought il for once cheat. i never approved cheating and i hated cheaters.
in all my relationships i never cheated except this present one.
my boyfriend loves me and treats me like a queen. but he has in the past unconsiously made me to hate my body more than i ever did. everything he loves in a woman's body (u guessed right) i lack. he can get so lost staring at a fully endowed woman when im there. his previous girlfriends have all it takes to make a man will his entire property to them.
when i tell him how he makes me feel he tells me he loves me just the way i am. okay dats nice but i dont want him to be just content. its like "i don't have this so il make do with what i have" i want to be what he wants. i couldnt stand him looking at those girls that reminded me of my body issues.
even in bed, i thought i was good untill i met him. he was the first guy i made love to who never moaned. he once told me about his previous sex life (i forced him to) and how crazy it was. again he said i was the best because i was the one he loved the most. i didnt want to be the best because he loved me, i wanted to be the best simply because i truly knew how to play my game. i thought i cld never make him feel the way they used to because i dint have what he truly desires in a woman's body.
my sexual self-esteem started going down the drain. i really needed to be told hw sexy i was and that was how i got caught up in the game of cheating.
thats hw i started cheating. of cause they all told me everything i wanted to here, i felt like a sex icon when i was with them and i made them feel i was the 9th wonder of the world in bed. sure i developed something for some of them (how did i ever think i cld turn my emotions). oh yeah few of them treated me like a sex object and they were the ones i happened to fall for. the fact that they never cared about me emotionally made me even want them more. i ended up leaving them but i was hurt and miserable and definitely felt more low.
then i met someone who i really liked. he lives down my street. we became good friends then he started asking me out. he told me i was sexy and he really wanted me. wen i complained about the size of my breast and *** he always told me he was crazy about the sizes and thats exactly what he loves about my body. he said he loved my waist too. of cause that's what i wanted to hear. even though i vowed never to cheat again, i broke my promise.
naturally he wasnt good at being sensitive. he took things for granted. i knew this so i decided not to fall this time else ll just be heart broken again. i was pretty good at seperating my emotions for a about a year. but then i started to fall again. i fell because like the other guys he didnt care emotionally about me. he even told me he had other girls because he wasnt the type of guy who cld commit. i told him i had fallen for him and he said nothing!! but sometimes i thought he liked me and did not just want to show it.
one day we did not use protection (i always use protection) so after a while, i jokingly lied to him i was pregnant. he bluntly told me to remove it, he turned to the tv and started gisting and laughing with his friends. i left and he called just briefly when he saw my missed call. 2 days later i told him i was keeping the pregnancy and he said all sorts of things like i was forcing him to marry me. he also said he was with me cause of the sex. it was a major blow. i thought he at least like me a little. i never knew i was completly a sex object to him. 3 days later(which was yesterday) without any call from him, i told him i was removing the pregnancy and he just said okay. he looked at me like "im done with you"
the most crazy thing is now i know what i am to him, it makes me fall for him the more. out of all the guys i have cheated with i feel conected to him the most, even though he always acted like he never cared about love or or anybody's feelings. he comes to my house like he's just a friend and everyone likes him. its crazy but im in love with him. i want to be with him
i find myself thinking about him all the time. this is clearly not normal cos i was nothing but an object of pleasure to him. i plan to tell him i wasnt pregnant afterall, and how he hurt my feelings. i know it wont make him care more but i really need to move on. and can only do so by telling him the way i feel. for now im doing nothing which is making it so hard.
i think the reason i fall for guys like this is because first of all i want to be the one to make them fall in love. and then when it doesnt work i feel like im not woman enough and then it makes me want them the more because i realize they are hard.
iv heard stories of girls who are treated like nothing in relationships but just cant back out. these same girls have people who really like them but to no avail.
how can i move on without constantly wondering if he's thinking of me. hw can i stick to my boyfriend and not get caught up in this web forever again
?im sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.
