why I inspire no respect?

[Peaches]

And now the very last guy I was talking with starts putting me down (there were traces of that before but it wasn't sure), and I am so depressed,
I seem to inspire men to disrespect me and I don't know why, I try to be kind but it doesn't seem to invite anyone to reciprocate. It's like I can't win: try to keep some distance, get closer, be cheerful, be sad, it's all the same, whatever I do, however I act, it doesn't matter how much or what I share, everyone will look down on me.

Why is that? What can I do? Why people put you down, make you feel this small?
When is it the time to draw the line? I am going to draw it now, and after that my last casual chat companion will disappear.
I feel like I am disappearing in the mist, no one is there…

 

[HoodedMonk]

I'm not sure why people verbally abuse others. This is, in fact, what you are experiencing. Verbal abuse. Nobody deserves it, Peaches. I also get the sense that you feel helpless about it. Maybe some therapy would help you with this issue and others you are experiencing right now in your life. It's a trying time for you in general right now.

 

[TheRealCallie]

And now the very last guy I was talking with starts putting me down (there were traces of that before but it wasn't sure), and I am so depressed,
I seem to inspire men to disrespect me and I don't know why, I try to be kind but it doesn't seem to invite anyone to reciprocate. It's like I can't win: try to keep some distance, get closer, be cheerful, be sad, it's all the same, whatever I do, however I act, it doesn't matter how much or what I share, everyone will look down on me.

Why is that? What can I do? Why people put you down, make you feel this small?
When is it the time to draw the line? I am going to draw it now, and after that my last casual chat companion will disappear.
I feel like I am disappearing in the mist, no one is there…

There is always a chance that people you talk to will put you down. When it comes to people who are depressed, it's generally easier to do because the person knows they are more than likely to get away with it and get what they want.
What can you do? Well, you can try to not let it bother you as much. Understand that just because a person says something, does NOT in any way make it true. You know yourself the best, people who love you know the truth, so what a stranger or acquaintance says about or to you doesn't really mean anything because they have their own agenda for saying. It could be for any reason...to make them feel superior, to make them feel better about their own problems, or even just because they are rude ******** who think they have the right to judge people and make them feel bad.
Set yourself some boundaries. If someone says something you don't like, either simply walk away or tell them that they have no right to talk to you like that and then walk away with your head held high. You do not deserve to be talked to or treated that way, no one does and you do not have to tolerate it, just try to think rationally and know the truth about yourself instead of listening to the people that say negative things about you.

 

[HoodedMonk]

Yes, being firm and assertive can be incredibly hard, but it was suggested in a self-help book called Controlling People that I read a few years back. When the behavior first starts, nip it in the bud and let the person know it's not okay.

Easier said than done though, I should know.

 

[Peaches]

yes, well, this is not the first time, and I did try to make clear that that kind of comments were hurtful and diminishing but it keeps coming back, and I am not sure if this is because of that person's problems or because he actually doesn't care that much about me (or maybe I am just touchy, but I don't think it is the case).

This is one of the very few people who still want to talk to me these days, so it's painful to have to make the decision if this is a good friend or not and act accordingly (there are other signs too, I think not).
But I just wonder why other people only meet with kindness and support and why the exact opposite happens to me 99% of the time. I wonder how and if I can change my fate…

 

[McDamned]

Though the possibility exist you are giving bad signals yourself making people behave to you in a way that is painful it is also plausible that you try to connect with 'the wrong kind of people' and just havent met the right type(s) yet. In general there arent many people that are actually and really sensitive to us ('others') in the way we would like them to be and having to deal with such insensitive people can really have its effects on you. Not saying that is the case with you and the folks you know but it might as well be.

 

[LonelySutton]

I try to be kind but it doesn't seem to invite anyone to reciprocate.

It could very well be that... that you try to be kind. Trust me.. same boat. My last boss.. was a serious jerk. People would come in and he would belittle them... take them to task for things they were right about, make snarky remarks AND THEY LOVED HIM. God if I heard one more person be like "well you know he is really right about it" I was going to puke. Someone nice could say the same thing and they wouldn't hear it or would question it.

I am not sure what causes this in some people. And it is just some people. But there are people (like me) that hear my boss belittle people and I don't think... you know he is really right -- I think, jack ***, and you just need to find more of these type of people.

 

[HoodedMonk]

I try to be kind but it doesn't seem to invite anyone to reciprocate.

It could very well be that... that you try to be kind. Trust me.. same boat. My last boss.. was a serious jerk. People would come in and he would belittle them... take them to task for things they were right about, make snarky remarks AND THEY LOVED HIM. God if I heard one more person be like "well you know he is really right about it" I was going to puke. Someone nice could say the same thing and they wouldn't hear it or would question it.

I am not sure what causes this in some people. And it is just some people. But there are people (like me) that hear my boss belittle people and I don't think... you know he is really right -- I think, jack ***, and you just need to find more of these type of people.

Maybe Milgram's Experiment explains this reaction?

 

[VanillaCreme]

And now the very last guy I was talking with starts putting me down (there were traces of that before but it wasn't sure), and I am so depressed,
I seem to inspire men to disrespect me and I don't know why, I try to be kind but it doesn't seem to invite anyone to reciprocate. It's like I can't win: try to keep some distance, get closer, be cheerful, be sad, it's all the same, whatever I do, however I act, it doesn't matter how much or what I share, everyone will look down on me.

Why is that? What can I do? Why people put you down, make you feel this small?
When is it the time to draw the line? I am going to draw it now, and after that my last casual chat companion will disappear.
I feel like I am disappearing in the mist, no one is there…

Some people are just like that. I read all these posts you make and I can't help but think that you expect way too much out of people. Is it too much to ask for common courtesy and kindness? No, but to expect that you should get the same in return is. People will put others down. It's just how some people are. These elitists who think they're better because of certain things, or that they deserve to get something for nothing.

My only advice to you, or anyone feeling this way, is to stop expecting from people. Some will act like jackasses. So concentrate on those who are truly nice.

 

[Tiina63]

Often certain people pick up on our lack of confidence and then take advantage of us by putting us down. You can tell them over and over again how bad it makes you feel, but they will carry on doing it because the fact they are doing it in the first place shows that they don't care about your feelings. As others here have advised, it would be best to walk away from these kinds of people.

 

[stork_error]

As others here have advised, it would be best to walk away from these kinds of people.

What if you work with them and you cant? Yesterday I had an entire day of this woman who kept saying things out loud that were clearly directed towards me.

I kept walking away, and when I came back she would do it again, and again and I would have to keep walking away.

I spent more time taking walks to avoid her than actually working.

 

[Tiina63]

As others here have advised, it would be best to walk away from these kinds of people.

What if you work with them and you cant? Yesterday I had an entire day of this woman who kept saying things out loud that were clearly directed towards me.

I kept walking away, and when I came back she would do it again, and again and I would have to keep walking away.

I spent more time taking walks to avoid her than actually working.

Could you speak either directly to her about it or to your boss? What she is doing is verbal bullying and you should have some sort of procedure at your workplace in place to deal with this.

 

[LonelySutton]

Could you speak either directly to her about it or to your boss? What she is doing is verbal bullying and you should have some sort of procedure at your workplace in place to deal with this.

If it is anything like my workplace, oh course they have something like this but you aren't supposed to use it and if you dare open your trap ... well... you will pay for it. Of course they will go though the motions of appearing to care about you, but ....

 

[TheSkaFish]

And now the very last guy I was talking with starts putting me down (there were traces of that before but it wasn't sure), and I am so depressed,
I seem to inspire men to disrespect me and I don't know why, I try to be kind but it doesn't seem to invite anyone to reciprocate. It's like I can't win: try to keep some distance, get closer, be cheerful, be sad, it's all the same, whatever I do, however I act, it doesn't matter how much or what I share, everyone will look down on me.

Why is that? What can I do? Why people put you down, make you feel this small?
When is it the time to draw the line? I am going to draw it now, and after that my last casual chat companion will disappear.
I feel like I am disappearing in the mist, no one is there…

Peaches, if I recall correctly you live outside the US. Could it be that the country you are living in has different norms as it relates to bullying, verbal abuse, especially in talking to women? I know some places have a strong macho culture that ranks men above women, even in the modern world. I could see this type of bullying happen there.

I also wonder if it has something to do with your depression. Maybe you are letting it slip through somehow in your conversations that you are depressed. One thing I've noticed is that people generally don't want to hear others' problems. They "rank" themselves higher than you if they think you are having some kind of difficulty, possibly so they can feel better about themselves and the "rank" they think they have in the world. Like Tiina63 said earlier, some people decide to attack you or turn against you if they feel you lack confidence, because they think you're an easy target.

I think this is especially true in the case of a romantic interest. I think that's been a problem I've had in the past - I'll start to get to know a girl well and she'll start to open up to me and sometimes she'll tell me if something is making her sad. Then I let my guard down and also share some problems of my own, thinking it is safe. I am trying to relate, but now I feel you really have to be careful who you show your vulnerability to. Like I said earlier, in the world of dating and relationships or any social interaction really, people tend to look down on those who appear to have some kind of trouble in life. It's some kind of social norm and it's too bad people work this way. So maybe your depression is showing through in ways you don't think about, and this is what these guys are picking up on. Then they put you down, and it continues the cycle of depression.

I really think you can only let down your guard with someone once you have been dating them for a long time, but definitely not when you are just getting to know each other.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think this is especially true in the case of a romantic interest. I think that's been a problem I've had in the past - I'll start to get to know a girl well, and she'll start to open up to me, and sometimes she'll tell me if something is making her sad. Then I let my guard down, and also share some problems of my own, thinking it is safe.

And what's wrong with this? Sharing experiences and stories with someone usually isn't a bad thing, unless it's something they can hold against you. In that case, I'd be careful of what I'd tell anyone if I had something to hide in any way. I see nothing wrong with opening up to someone.

 

[Tiina63]

Could you speak either directly to her about it or to your boss? What she is doing is verbal bullying and you should have some sort of procedure at your workplace in place to deal with this.

If it is anything like my workplace, oh course they have something like this but you aren't supposed to use it and if you dare open your trap ... well... you will pay for it. Of course they will go though the motions of appearing to care about you, but ....

I see what you mean. I was bullied at school but when Parent's Evening came I told my parents not to mention the bullying to the teachers as it would be all the worse for me if they did and the bullies got into trouble. They would have come down on me even more then.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I think this is especially true in the case of a romantic interest. I think that's been a problem I've had in the past - I'll start to get to know a girl well, and she'll start to open up to me, and sometimes she'll tell me if something is making her sad. Then I let my guard down, and also share some problems of my own, thinking it is safe.

And what's wrong with this? Sharing experiences and stories with someone usually isn't a bad thing, unless it's something they can hold against you. In that case, I'd be careful of what I'd tell anyone if I had something to hide in any way. I see nothing wrong with opening up to someone.

Ideally, nothing should be wrong with it. But unfortunately, I think that sharing problems, worries, or fears too early and too much with a romantic interest or even someone that you want to be friends with, can make them grow cold. It just seems to be how people are.

 

[Peaches]

Peaches, if I recall correctly you live outside the US. Could it be that the country you are living in has different norms as it relates to bullying, verbal abuse, especially in talking to women? I know some places have a strong macho culture that ranks men above women, even in the modern world. I could see this type of bullying happen there.

eheh, this was a british guy, I just bring that out in men regardless of the nationality another one was dutch, supposedly a respectful country
But you are right, in some countries the culture is really against women, and I feel much more at ease in north european or american cultures where there is a minimum of equality - but of course that depends on the individuals...

 

[HoodedMonk]

I think this is especially true in the case of a romantic interest. I think that's been a problem I've had in the past - I'll start to get to know a girl well, and she'll start to open up to me, and sometimes she'll tell me if something is making her sad. Then I let my guard down, and also share some problems of my own, thinking it is safe.

And what's wrong with this? Sharing experiences and stories with someone usually isn't a bad thing, unless it's something they can hold against you. In that case, I'd be careful of what I'd tell anyone if I had something to hide in any way. I see nothing wrong with opening up to someone.

Ideally, nothing should be wrong with it. But unfortunately, I think that sharing problems, worries, or fears too early and too much with a romantic interest or even someone that you want to be friends with, can make them grow cold. It just seems to be how people are.

For me, if the person is constantly negative and I have no idea how to help them, I'll withdraw from them.

However, for you, it might be that American expectations of masculinity could be violated and the women turned off. Not really a good thing for men unfortunately.

 

[Despicable Me]

Many people in general just seem to give no respect to anyone.

Society kind of builds it into them. Just look around.
If you don't have or make lots of money, if you're a different skin-color, if you don't wear the same things, if you don't believe the same thing, society imposes this image that you're inferior.
If you don't have an unrealistic idealized body type or weight, you are apparently inferior to everyone who is closer to those ideals. If you aren't tall, you are apparently inferior to everyone who is.
If you aren't from the same country, you're seen as inferior. If you seem strange, do things different, or just generally don't fit in, you're seen as inferior.
If you're a woman you're expected to act inferior to men. If you're a man you're expected to act superior to both women and to other men.
Society has this specific 'image' of a perfect person and the less you fit this image the less people tend to respect you. And there's generally nothing you can do about it.

These sound like problems of kids in Middle School and you'd think adults would have moved past them but in reality they are just as true for everyone, no matter the age. They actually tend to get even worse with age, the only difference is that they tend to divide themselves up spatially instead of all being placed into a single school building.
The rich go live in one area of town with huge houses and have jobs up in the bigger, comfier offices. Meanwhile all the minimum wage or low-wage workers toil in the factories and such places. People of a certain skin-color tend to live in the same general areas. People originating from the same countries do as well.
Even Men and women tend to socialize much more with others of their same gender. Rumors tend to begin when they socialize with each other.

Though, obviously those are not the only reasons people don't give much respect.
It seems that even in good relationships sometimes there are just lots of misunderstandings or little things that build up and eat away at people. It's very easy to hear something you think is offensive and believe you know what they meant and get angry about it, rather than actually understanding what they really meant. No one is perfect and there are always going to be such things happening unless you simply just don't talk. But obviously it's not much of a relationship if you don't talk to each other.
For example, I know one thing that eats at people a lot is being 'corrected'. Even if you really are wrong I know a lot of people take this the wrong way and assume the only reason they are being corrected is because they are being attacked or insulted. That the other person is being 'mean'. It's easy to jump to that conclusion but it's rarely the case. Sometimes the person is just providing their opinion and explaining they disagree, other times they really are just correcting you because you were wrong. Being wrong shouldn't be taken so negatively. Again, no one is perfect.

I don't think there is any solution for these things, either.
I think the only thing you can really do is be mature and try your best not to let society dictate who you are, find others who are the same way, and ignore everyone else.
But maybe I'm not the best person to suggest anything. I rarely get any respect from anyone, and trying to be who I am and not letting society dictate that seems to just make it worse for me, personally.