You ever feel like it's all rigged against you?

[TheSkaFish]

I've just come to that view overtime from seeing you give your opinion of various things within this forum. You seem like a thinker. I will say though that I can't help but wonder if that self-doubt is leading you to over analyze things and spend too much time thinking and not a enough time doing. I've been guilty of this and I'm in the process of turning it around now.

I'd say I'm a thinker too, I always have been. And my self-doubt has indeed lead me to over-analyze things a lot. I've spent much more time thinking than doing. The problem is though, if I don't think much or at all, then I make mistakes and blow my chances. I feel exactly like the title of this thread - it's all rigged against me. If I over-think, I overcomplicate things and psych myself out. But if I under-think, I simply fail. I don't know how to reach that middle ground, which seems to be the sweet spot where success happens - be it with learning a skill, with women, or anything.

I don't want to give up thinking completely, because there's a lot I feel that I have to learn and understand especially about women. This stuff isn't second nature to me at all, and when I read dating advice, I think that I never would have figured out the right way to interact with women on my own.

I do know the feeling of not having much to say but I find that this doesn't happen when I'm talking to the right person.

With me, it happens even with family members and my closest friends - in other words, the people I'm most comfortable with in the world. I really think it's that I need to work more on knowing myself, on finding my identity and going for something. For a long time I never felt like I could be good at anything, so I never really tried at anything. My willpower has been pretty low in the past, but I'm working on it. I haven't really had a niche or done much in the way of hobbies and I don't have any kind of specialized knowledge. When I look at the people who seem to have a lot to say, it seems that they pursue a wide variety of interests. But when I sit on the Internet all day, it doesn't give me much to talk about.

I'm guessing there is a reason why you aren't working right now? Also, maybe you should put more of that time that you've spending o the internet into your guitar playing. It's a worthwhile investment for life. If I can add one more suggesting, maybe you should start going for runs if you don't already. You'll look and feel better. I started doing this a few months ago and have more energy than I used to.

Sort of. I've never known what I wanted to do. There hasn't been any kind of job that appeals to me. I don't know what I want to go into, and what I'm even qualified to do. In college I majored in business, but I'm not really interested in it and I never fit in with the people or the environment. I always wished I could be a creative person instead. I know I have to work but I just don't want to make another mistake and drift even more towards being stuck in something that makes me miserable.

I do agree that I should spend more time on my guitar playing, though. I've almost completely learned the song "Lucidity" by the band Tame Impala, and when I looked at the tabs today I think I might try to learn some other songs on the album it's from, "Innerspeaker". It will be a challenge, but I think it is an attainable one.

And I would be going for runs and working out if I could, but I don't have any shoes for that right now.

I hope none of this post sounds like I'm being a know-it-all or anything but I'm just trying to see what might benefit you.

Don't worry, I didn't feel like you were being a know-it-all. Thanks for trying to help.

 

[Xpendable]

Well suddenly I relate again to this. last year I committed myself to do well in UNI so I could get a scholarship, after the first tests I though it would be too hard and settle with passing all my classes. But through the year i was getting better and finally got the best grade in my career and I was able to postulate to it. I even delayed my inscription, that if done in november it would mean 30% less expensive. I felt really good for accomplishing the goal and went to find another job to keep paying the remaining debt.

Guessing where this is going. I didn't get the scholarship.
If you needed a 6 out of 10 to get it, I got a 9.

The response was that I already had too many (two) different government aids to help me out and that only 4 out of 12 students got it. It angered so much. Why the hell do they create those scholarships if they're going to deny them for technicism. It took me a year of hard work to get those grades, but they were like "sorry, we think you're paying too little money". Just when I had accomplish an actual goal in my life I got denied. How is that not rigged?

 

[TheSkaFish]

I feel like you just described me in two paragraphs. I, myself, haven't really felt like someone with an identity. I currently don't have much desire to learn new things, but even when I did...I felt completely lost at finding something I am good at. I have a hard time getting excited about something.

I've never really known who I was either. The only thing I've known about myself is that I like a good story. I've always liked to read and watch movies, and as a kid I liked to make stories with toys and with make believe in the parks. The thing is, that doesn't give me a skill or an identity in quite the same way that other people might be skilled at sports or drawing or music. I suppose it might give me a skill at writing, but I have been experiencing massive writer's block for a while now. With all that's been going wrong with me, it's been hard to relax and get into the mood.

I've always been lost at finding something I'm good at too. I've never felt like a natural at anything. I've had a hard time getting excited or motivated about anything for this reason.

And even when I do have a desire to learn new things, I just don't know what things I should learn about. There's so many choices. What would I enjoy the most? What is the most worth doing? I want to think about what would make me happiest, but since I'm an adult I have to think about money too. And then I think that I want to do something that will make me more interesting and exciting, will give me more to talk about with others and more to think about when I'm by myself.

Then I have a hard time getting excited about life for other reasons, such as my dating situation. I wanted to share my new, interesting, exciting self with someone special and now I don't know if I'll ever get to do that. It was within my grasp, or at least it could have been if I knew how to be attractive but I messed up. Sometimes I'm so paralyzed with sadness about it that I don't feel like doing anything.

And I believe the more I have tried to change to please other people, I have lost even more connection to myself. I have an online presence, but I can't talk about my online life with people I face in real life daily. It really feels like two different worlds for me.

This is something I think about too. I think the "self" I have become is not effective at getting a relationship. You could say that I feel I rigged me against me, albeit unknowingly. My "self" is just missing the key ingredients that trigger attraction. I don't think I could attract any woman as I am right now. I feel like I need to change "myself" at least somewhat, because who I am is in the way between me and what I want. But at the same time, I don't think I'm all wrong. I think I can save some of it. I don't want to completely lose the connection to myself either.

I also relate about not being able to talk to people about my online life. They wouldn't understand why I talk to people online or participate in forums, and would probably think I'm just wasting my time. And while I agree that I got into the habit of spending too much time online and that it's part of the problem, I've also learned a lot online that's helped me grow, and I don't think I would have found it otherwise.

I guess I can say that I have had a lot of luck when it comes to finding someone I would like to be with. But the problem is that somewhere along the line, I lose the connection with them. In previous relationships, I have spent a lot of time helping them rebuild their own selves. Giving them confidence. And then they see that I am still fragile. That I am not as strong as they are. And they find somewhere better to be. I know that my self doubt has become a huge problem. Which is why I have stepped out of looking altogether for the time being.

I've had luck in finding the people that I wanted to have a relationship with, but zero luck in actually making anything happen. On the one hand, like I said, I don't do enough out of fear I can't get good at anything - but because of this, I'm always afraid to come off as boring to these girls I like, who are all very worldly. I didn't follow through in talking to them as much as I should have and building a better connection out of fear of not being good enough. And, I kind of have a similar issue. I'm there, I listen, I'm friendly, but I lose the connection because they are stronger than me to begin with, and women don't seem to care much for guys they are stronger than. Not to mention more worldly, since I haven't been cultivating my identity all along like I should have been, like everyone else was, due to self-doubt that I now realized I learned early on as a kid. It's hard though, because there is so much I don't know about my own identity and what I should do with my life, and about the world itself. I don't have all the answers, and I have a hard time being confident without them.

I am trying to adopt a more problem-solving attitude about my life than to keep complaining and doing nothing about it, I'm trying to replace my feeling that it's all rigged against me to a feeling that I can do something about it, but at the same time, I feel like I have a lot of work to do and it's daunting sometimes.

 

[Paraiyar]

Really feeling this as of last night. I posted this in the "what are you thinking right now?" thread but I'll explain here as well:

I went back on Tinder recently. This girl used superlike on me and she was pretty and seemed really frienly and likeable. I got her number and then last night I asked if she'd be keen to grab a drink the next night. I then found out that she lives in ******* Nelson.

Everytime I think things might be about to change it just ends in disappointment.

 

[Menorahman]

It sounds like some of you are putting too much of your thought into women. First of all, most of these people are likely not worth your time. Second, you need to accept that people have changed due to the internet / social media, women even more-so than men in my opinion. Focus on doing things that bring fulfillment, don't focus on trying to change yourself to be more "attractive" to women because it isn't going to work.