A Recent Date

[user 190541]

A week ago more or less I had a date with this girl. Prior to when we saw each other, we had talked regurlarly, our conversations were mostly short and mundane (though sometimes it would be days without any exchange of messages), but it was overall for a relatively long period of time. This wasn't so because I was the one uninterested in the talking, but rather because she claimed to have been very busy at the time, and for that reason she didn't have much time to chat, or so she said. When we finally met, she was a little tense at first, but in the end she hugged me with some enthusiasm and gave me not one, but two kisses. Because of things like these, I find it very hard to read her. Oddly enough, she thinks I'm the one who is hard to read, but in fact nearly every other girl I've ever met has told me that I'm a very transparent person, especially in person. I find one of the things she said when we met particularly puzzling. Just a day or two before we saw each other, I told her (I don't think context matters in this case, and even if it does, just imagine the most innocuous context possible) that I would really like to have the chance to meet a nice, nerdy gamer girl and that if it so happened that we started dating and eventually became a couple, that would be like a dream come true. As you may have guessed, for reasons that are utterly incomprehensible to us mere mortals, simply mentioning that you are interested in a relationship and/or likes video games seems to be a true woman repellent. She said that she almost didn't come because, after I said I like girls who play video games, she thought "we wouldn't have much to talk about". A somewhat mysterious thing to say, especially given the circumstances, if you ask me. Another suggestive thing she did when we met was her reaction to something I had previously stated. I held her hand and told her: "I hope everything goes alright between us". She then seemed surprised and uttered: "like what, marriage?", to which I answered: "I mean I hope we can at least be friends". She seemed almost embarassed afterwards.

After our date, we've talked even less. She says she's still very busy, but I have an unwavering suspicion that she's trying to put some distance between us so that we'll eventually lose contact. After all, despite the fact that she said she thinks I'm a very interesting person, I don't have any conclusive reason to believe she really likes me, and it wouldn't be the first time that happened. Oh! how easier things would be if we could just say what we think and tell others how we feel! how many household dramas, how many true domestic tragedies could have been avoided if not for the caprices of social life! the awkward gaze, that which we say without saying and that, nevertheless, is not meant to be said, the dubiousness, the failure of every and all forms of communication - curses of the human condition! there they are, behind every marital misunderstanding, behind every ruined friendship, and yet we must deal with them, for we cannot simply turn our backs on our spouses and friends.

A second opinion will be greatly appreciated.

 

[ardour]

"I would like a nice nerdy gamer girl" could be taken a certain way, as in you're looking for some archetypal girlfriend but not interested in individuals. (These are the judgy times we're in.) It also might sound like you're making value judgements based on interests, as in "I don't want a promiscuous party girl, I want someone nice." To be honest, it's a little weird coming from a guy your age. You can filter people by interests without openly stating it.

"I hope everything goes alright between us"

Yeah no, don't say that. You're jumping the gun there as well as putting her on the spot. This is someone you just met. It's needy/clingy, like you're over invested in someone you don't know well. She's going to be wary after hearing that sort of thing. Her comment about marriage was sarcasm, as in "what?!"

but I have an unwavering suspicion that she's trying to put some distance between us

That would be my conclusion too. I would move on.

 

[user 190541]

"I would like a nice nerdy gamer girl" could be taken a certain way, as in you're looking for some archetypal girlfriend but not interested in individuals. (These are the judgy times we're in.) It also might sound like you're making value judgements based on interests, as in "I don't want a promiscuous party girl, I want someone nice." To be honest, it's a little weird coming from a guy your age. You can filter people by interests without openly stating it.

I get why you feel very concerned (or at least you give that impression) with people's judgments, especially with women finding you weird, but I don't. I couldn't care less, and I don't think there is such a thing as something (or someone) being weird in itself. "Homo sum; humani nil a me alienum puto". As I said, I'm a transparent person, and people either love it or hate it. I just stick with the people who love it.

Yeah no, don't say that. You're jumping the gun there as well as putting her on the spot. This is someone you just met. It's needy/clingy, like you're over invested in someone you don't know well. She's going to be wary after hearing that sort of thing. Her comment about marriage was sarcasm, as in "what?!"

Am I jumping the gun/putting her on the spot/being needy (clingy)/overinterested in someone I don't know well, or is that just your interpretation of what I said? an erroneous one, by the way, since saying "I hope everything goes alright between us" can be interpreted in a multitude of ways, and yours isn't the intended one. You are right in stating that we live in a very judgmental age, but you yourself are no better. If instead you said "don't do this cause people will get you wrong", then maybe I'd be inclined to agree, but you obtusely forget the interpretative aspect of language, and even then, how many people would misinterpret that the same way as she did? 100%? 80%? 50%? We don't know. Furthermore, these things happen - are bound to happen -, and what does a misunderstanding mean in itself? is a simple, innocent misunderstanding - a misinterpretation of words - reason enough for one to avoid having dealings with someone else? Don't you think the moral of the story here is precisely that we need more communication and understanding, and less judgments and shallow, immediate readings of the things and people around us?

 

[ardour]

You are right in stating that we live in a very judgmental age, but you yourself are no better.

I'm telling you how it would likely be perceived. You think I'm judgmental, go on to reddit or any other popular platform. I'm actually pretty cold and unexpressive in real life partly because of internalizing so many of these negative judgements. But still, it helps to be aware of how actions might be perceived.

If instead you said "don't do this cause people will get you wrong", then maybe I'd be inclined to agree, but you obtusely forget the interpretative aspect of language, and even then, how many people would misinterpret that the same way as she did? 100%? 80%? 50%? We don't know.

Most, IMO. If a guy you just met said 'I hope this goes well and we can be friends'... you wouldn't consider that strange? Or feel at least a bit awkward? What would you say to that?

Now factor in how women have to worry about harassment and so on, and most of them will be gone hearing something like that. The fact she kissed you is a good sign and might suggest not, but being over eager doesn't lead anywhere good.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

First things first... congrats on your date.

Now.... the thing about men on this site is... you are all so different to men I actually know. You say things, no one I know would say so it's hard to read the situation.

When I go on dates with men typically, the woman they say they want is.... surprise... me. They tell me parts of my personality that they like. So I think I would be shocked if a guy said... oh my dream girl is a Native American who can blow smoke rings in the air whilst I smoke my bong. You know? I'd think uhh so why are you talking to the princess?

I think that maybe you expressed way too much interest, and it came off a bit like you're mr no options. Probably secured a few kisses to keep you in close orbit. Idk... thats just my guess.

Personally, I dont like men that hope for things, I only like the alpha, I will go out and get that mentality. But... thats just me... im weird... maybe she liked all of that lovey dovey stuff and put you in the reserves for a random call when shes "hit the wall" as men call it...

 

[user 190541]

Most, IMO. If a guy you just met said 'I hope this goes well and we can be friends'... you wouldn't consider that strange? Or feel at least a bit awkward? What would you say to that?

If I had made a dude friend on the internet and then went to personally meet him, I wouldn't think there's anything strange with that, except for the fact that this seems to imply that we aren't friends in the first place. Apart from that, there's nothing strange about it. Of course, if he were a person I just got to know on the same day, it would be strange, but that's not the case either way. Just a few weeks ago I met an old friend of mine I haven't talked with for years and we both expressed our desire to have a closer, more intimate relationship, something which I think is akin to saying "I hope this goes well and we can be (even closer) friends". What's so strange about it? Do you think it's strange if you meet an old friend of yours you haven't talked with for years and in the end he suggests a barbecue at your place some time later on, possibly in the same month? I don't, and I can assure you no one in Brazil does. This is normal stuff.

 

[user 190541]

I think that maybe you expressed way too much interest, and it came off a bit like you're mr no options. Probably secured a few kisses to keep you in close orbit. Idk... thats just my guess.

I'm sure that's not the case simply because whether I have options or not is completely irrelevant to her.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I'm sure that's not the case simply because whether I have options or not is completely irrelevant to her.

Hmmm... Why is it irrelevant to her?

 

[okidoke]

You’re actually trying to understand a woman?

 

[user 190541]

Hmmm... Why is it irrelevant to her?

If it isn't then for all intents and purposes the person I know her to be is nothing more than an act of pure illusionism. She just isn't that type of person.

Anyway, I don't think this is worth the time and the effort, so I'll just delete her contact and pretend it never happened.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

If it isn't then for all intents and purposes the person I know her to be is nothing more than an act of pure illusionism. She just isn't that type of person.

Anyway, I don't think this is worth the time and the effort, so I'll just delete her contact and pretend it never happened.

Yeah on to the next I say!

 

[TheRealCallie]

Sorry, but regardless of how you intended things, ardour is right. Most people would see it as a small red flag.
What I don't get is that you cared enough to actually say those things, yet now it's not worth the time and effort. So which one is actually the truth?

 

[user 190541]

What I don't get is that you cared enough to actually say those things, yet now it's not worth the time and effort. So which one is actually the truth?

The first. Actually, the second... maybe both. And why not neither? Do the actions of will have to conform to the same principles as propositional logic does? Is there a tertium non datur according to which we are prevented from wanting and not wanting the same things, just as a proposition can classicaly either be true or false, but never both at the same time? Is there such a thing as the law of non-contradiction of will? are there even laws that govern will in the first place? and if there are, to what extent do they apply? So many questions! Heraclitus famously stated that "we never step into the same river twice", simply because, once we step into the river again, the river we once stepped into has long ceased to exist. If no river is the same river, if no object is the same object, is there even a law of identity in the first place? maybe not regarding physical objects, which are always becoming, but ideal objects and concepts of aprioristic origin could still be bound by the law of identity, but since they exist only in our minds, and our mind is a reflex of matter - which is always becoming -, doesn't that mean that both ideal objects and concepts of aprioristic origin are a reflex of matter as well? and if they are, doesn't that mean that they are always becoming, too? if matter is always becoming, and ideal objects and concepts of aprioristic origin are a reflex of matter, how could they not be always becoming, always transforming themselves just as well? Most importantly, if no thing is the same thing as any other thing, is there even such a thing as logic in the first place?

 

[TheRealCallie]

is there even such a thing as logic in the first place?

You are dealing with women here, there is no such thing as logic.....

 

[TheRealCallie]

But seriously, as a woman who is extremely busy, it could be possible that she is telling the truth. That's the reason I stopped really trying a while ago. There's just no way I dedicate the time to someone and do everything I have to do.
People say "if you cared, you would make time" but there's only so much time in the day and my responsibilities and children come first.

 

[user 190541]

You are dealing with women here, there is no such thing as logic.....

Well played!

But seriously, as a woman who is extremely busy, it could be possible that she is telling the truth. That's the reason I stopped really trying a while ago. There's just no way I dedicate the time to someone and do everything I have to do.
People say "if you cared, you would make time" but there's only so much time in the day and my responsibilities and children come first.

It could be. Only time will tell.

 

[okidoke]

Did you talk to her like you do here? Maybe you just come across a bit pompous, pretentious, condescending, haughty, erudite?

 

[user 190541]

Did you talk to her like you do here? Maybe you just come across a bit pompous, pretentious, condescending, haughty, erudite?

Obviously not. Duh!

 

[user 190541]

I almost forgot, here on the internet we call this "hiding your power level". Indeed, IRL I don't show my true power level to anyone. I'd show it to someone worthy of it, but seldomly anyone is. On the internet it's easier to find such people and because of that and for other reasons there's no need to be on your guard.

 

[user 190541]

Inb4 someone says I can't be a transparent person if I hide my power level.