Always rejected

[Minty]

I am trying to be more selfish these days, even in my job hunt. I had a slightly better paid job, but it was making me feel worse so I quit. A job worsening my depression was not worth the money. So I am being a little more picky with the jobs I'm applying for, but I am still applying for a good amount per week. I'm trying not to let this get me down, but money is an issue still (living at home, unable to save, etc).

I've definitely also started to do things to make me feel better about me. I'm hoping something comes of it, because being alone is really upsetting. It's hard to even put in to words how it feels.

You don't need to put it into words. I know those feelings. It is not a nice feeling and I can say that you have to be proactive and go out there any meet people - all that jazz that people whore aren't lonely, tell you to do - but it's a hard thing to do. I Can't do it, that's for sure.

Money is as crap issue because it shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things but it does have a profound effect on you if you are worrying about it - I know.

I don't know where you live, but I'm British, lived in the UK most of my working life and never had a penny to spare when I lived there. So I took the plunge, bought a one way ticket to the Med and am now much more financially stable. Ok, still lonely but at least I don't worry about money anymore.

 

[Kurt87]

Went out with a friend yesterday and got talking to a girl. Her response when I asked if she'd like to get a drink some time? "Is that a joke?" and she laughed to her friend. I think that's about the most embarrassing rejection I've had. Pretty devastating, actually.

 

[shadetree]

Went out with a friend yesterday and got talking to a girl. Her response when I asked if she'd like to get a drink some time? "Is that a joke?" and she laughed to her friend. I think that's about the most embarrassing rejection I've had. Pretty devastating, actually.

Ill tell you what helped me some, im still struggling with the rejection thing myself. But its all about how you look at it. If you look at it as a learning oppurtunity instead of a blow to your ego it changes things.

That girl that you asked out for the drink, if you dont mind me asking had you ever met her before? Alot of times i dont think that asking a girl out for a drink thing works unless youve gotten to know them. That kinda comes across as maybe youre looking for a one night stand. Not that you are, but im just saying some women may take it that way. Also unless youre one of those smooth talkers with rugged good looks i dont think that approach works well anyway. Its best like somebody else said to try to get to know the person first before you ask them out. Or ask them out just as friends first and that way theres no pressure. And whos to say that you cant form a romantic connection on a friend date? Its all about not pressuring yourself.

I went through this and go through it still where i feel like OMG ive gotta have friends, ive got nobody so i put pressure on myself and when i actually manage to go out and try to meet people they pick up the vibe where im nervous. But if i go out and im not even focused on it then things go more smoothly. I dont know if anything im saying makes sense im not the best at explaining sometimes but its all about just relaxing and being yourself and dont worry about all that stuff. Im an outsider, always been one my entire life and what i know for sure is theres a whole honeysuckle ton of people i just dont click with but theres some i do. And when you find those people its like magic. Look back at those friends you said you had earlier in the thread, and think about how you became friends with them, and then try to recreate that. I can almost guarantee when you became friends with them it was because you werent pressuring yourself and you were really just being you. Chances are theres nothing at all wrong with you, its just in how you come across to people thats pushing them away.

Heres a website i found that may have some helpful stuff in it too for you. http://www.succeedsocially.com/ Either way good luck to you with it. And btw nobody can truly reject you unless you let them. At the end of the day the only opinions about ourselves that matter are our own and Gods.....

 

[EveWasFramed]

Went out with a friend yesterday and got talking to a girl. Her response when I asked if she'd like to get a drink some time? "Is that a joke?" and she laughed to her friend. I think that's about the most embarrassing rejection I've had. Pretty devastating, actually.

A "no thank you" would have sufficed. She obviously had no manners.

 

[Kurt87]

Look back at those friends you said you had earlier in the thread, and think about how you became friends with them, and then try to recreate that. I can almost guarantee when you became friends with them it was because you werent pressuring yourself and you were really just being you.

I have only made 2 friends post primary school (from the age of 11 onwards). I made a bunch of friends when I was very young and stayed with them though primary school, then the few that went to the same high school as me. After that, in college, I knew nobody so just asked 2 guys "can I sit with you, I don't know anybody here", so it was kind of a forced approach.

As for this girl, I hadn't met her before, but I didn't know what else to say. I don't even know how to begin to get to know somebody. How do I become friends with someone when everyone I try and talk to basically rejects my approach? I was asking her on a "friend date" of sorts, I wasn't asking her on a "date-date" since I knew little about her. I feel like if I haven't figured this out by 27 I'm never going to figure it out. I'm socially worse now than ever, there's been no improvement and that's even with therapy.

 

[shadetree]

Look back at those friends you said you had earlier in the thread, and think about how you became friends with them, and then try to recreate that. I can almost guarantee when you became friends with them it was because you werent pressuring yourself and you were really just being you.

I have only made 2 friends post primary school (from the age of 11 onwards). I made a bunch of friends when I was very young and stayed with them though primary school, then the few that went to the same high school as me. After that, in college, I knew nobody so just asked 2 guys "can I sit with you, I don't know anybody here", so it was kind of a forced approach.

As for this girl, I hadn't met her before, but I didn't know what else to say. I don't even know how to begin to get to know somebody. How do I become friends with someone when everyone I try and talk to basically rejects my approach? I was asking her on a "friend date" of sorts, I wasn't asking her on a "date-date" since I knew little about her. I feel like if I haven't figured this out by 27 I'm never going to figure it out. I'm socially worse now than ever, there's been no improvement and that's even with therapy.

Well i have something called avoidant personality disorder as well as i think i may have aspergers syndrome as well so i have a lot of trouble picking up on social cues. Something similar may be happening to you(the trouble picking up on social cues, not the APD or aspergers lol). I know it seems hopeless but its not. That what you just said about you have no idea how to meet people thats actually a good thing. That means you are open to learning. Go on that site i gave you and read through it and see if it helps some. Easiest way to get to know people ive found is through a hobby or something youll enjoy. Because then you have at least that thing in common, also i read most males bond easier through a shared experience IE doing something together, and most females bond by talking, all this is supported by research btw, if you google it you can find it. Meetup.com is a good site for meeting people for hobbies and things, or just any kind of hobby group really, something yould enjoy doing.

The reason you made those friends in school is because you had something in common with them, school. It seems like such a small thing but thats huge. Its a big reason i have no friends now because im stuck on disability so i dont have school or work to meet people and where i live theres nothing to really do, so i feel you on what youre going through, because i deal with it myself and have been for years. As far as that im 27 and havent learned thing, hell man im 39 and IM still learning myself lol. So its okay, its never too late to learn and you can do or become whatever you want to. It just takes some time and research a lot of times. As far as what you said about therapy not helping you too in one of your posts. Ive been with some really useless therapists myself and it takes a long time to find the right one, i mean years sometimes. Main thing is dont give up and keep trying. Theres good people out there who are willing to give you a chance you just gotta find them. You may go through about a thousand Aholes before you meet your real friends/girlfriend etc but when you do find them its worth all the effort. I hope youll hang in there and cut yourself some slack its not easy sometimes with the whole society thing in general. Even people who are great with people and very outgoing have struggles making connections. So just be patient and forgiving with yourself and keep studying what works and what doesnt and eventually youll find the way. Seriously read that succeed socially site its a great site, lot of good info.

 

[Batman55]

As for this girl, I hadn't met her before, but I didn't know what else to say. I don't even know how to begin to get to know somebody. How do I become friends with someone when everyone I try and talk to basically rejects my approach? I was asking her on a "friend date" of sorts, I wasn't asking her on a "date-date" since I knew little about her. I feel like if I haven't figured this out by 27 I'm never going to figure it out. I'm socially worse now than ever, there's been no improvement and that's even with therapy.

If you're not naturally good with these things, then it may take far longer than it should for you to start to understand it. It's the same with me, I've a delayed understanding of the ins-and-outs of socializing, for whatever reason or combination of reasons. A lot of avoidance, never challenging my comfort zone, certainly doesn't help, but that's what happened. You can shorten the delay by trying, basically, and that seems to be what your doing, at least.

But I believe in this particular case, talking to this woman you don't know, a more cautious approach was needed. Asking to go out for a drink some time when you don't know the person, it may be seen as too strong an approach. Next time try to get a little conversation going, if the individual doesn't treat you with indifference, then maybe you could try something more adventurous. In other words, don't use a confident approach, until you have the confidence for it!

 

[Kurt87]

As for this girl, I hadn't met her before, but I didn't know what else to say. I don't even know how to begin to get to know somebody. How do I become friends with someone when everyone I try and talk to basically rejects my approach? I was asking her on a "friend date" of sorts, I wasn't asking her on a "date-date" since I knew little about her. I feel like if I haven't figured this out by 27 I'm never going to figure it out. I'm socially worse now than ever, there's been no improvement and that's even with therapy.

If you're not naturally good with these things, then it may take far longer than it should for you to start to understand it. It's the same with me, I've a delayed understanding of the ins-and-outs of socializing, for whatever reason or combination of reasons. A lot of avoidance, never challenging my comfort zone, certainly doesn't help, but that's what happened. You can shorten the delay by trying, basically, and that seems to be what your doing, at least.

But I believe in this particular case, talking to this woman you don't know, a more cautious approach was needed. Asking to go out for a drink some time when you don't know the person, it may be seen as too strong an approach. Next time try to get a little conversation going, if the individual doesn't treat you with indifference, then maybe you could try something more adventurous. In other words, don't use a confident approach, until you have the confidence for it!

I wasn't really sure what else I could do. We did have a conversation which I thought went well (I was wrong, obviously) and ended it by asking for future contact pretty much. Not really sure what else I could've said that'd mean I would have future contact that wasn't "too strong". Asking for her number would've been even stronger, I think.

I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle I can't get out of if I don't try a confident approach. How am I meant to get confidence if at this stage in my life no girl has so much as wanted to be my friend, forget anything beyond that? Until that point, I'm not going to get confidence with girls, so I can't really truly do a confident approach. I feel so lost.

 

[Kurt87]

Had basically the same thing happen over and over again the last few months. I put up an okcupid profile for about 6 weeks and didn't get a response, I'm still getting no luck with tinder. I'm really starting to get beyond stressed and upset and I don't understand why I'm unable to make friends or more.

I feel like everyone is all set in their friendship groups and then with dating, I am too ugly for girls. So I'm really stuck in life now.

 

[TendenciesRevealed]

Good work on the asking the girl to get a drink with you. Now just rinse and repeat a hundred times and there is a very good chance you'll find a girlfriend imo.

Its a numbers game, keep putting yourself out there and it will work out eventually. (assuming your being realistic about a partner, if you are 3 as far as looks and are only asking out 7s+ then your going to have trouble)

When you say you are too ugly for girls, are you only asking out girls that would be considered much better looking than yourself or are you willing to have a partner in the same general range as yourself when it comes to looks?

 

[Batman55]

Men can sometimes get away with it, in terms of looks, though The idea is to compensate with the 3 Cs, charm, confidence, and/or charisma. If you find yourself unable to muster those qualities, I'm sure there's other ways to compensate. Don't count yourself out!

 

[Triple Bogey]

Had basically the same thing happen over and over again the last few months. I put up an okcupid profile for about 6 weeks and didn't get a response, I'm still getting no luck with tinder. I'm really starting to get beyond stressed and upset and I don't understand why I'm unable to make friends or more.

I feel like everyone is all set in their friendship groups and then with dating, I am too ugly for girls. So I'm really stuck in life now.

Don't bother with online dating, it's shite for most people.

If you think you are ugly, at least try and look your best. Eg smile, wear nice clothes, keep yourself fit and healthy.

 

[Kurt87]

Good work on the asking the girl to get a drink with you. Now just rinse and repeat a hundred times and there is a very good chance you'll find a girlfriend imo.

Its a numbers game, keep putting yourself out there and it will work out eventually. (assuming your being realistic about a partner, if you are 3 as far as looks and are only asking out 7s+ then your going to have trouble)

When you say you are too ugly for girls, are you only asking out girls that would be considered much better looking than yourself or are you willing to have a partner in the same general range as yourself when it comes to looks?

I truly do not think there are many girls worse looking than me, so pretty much any girl I talk to is certainly better looking. It's hard to find a girl that isn;t.

I've talked to so many girls and nothing ever comes of it. People keep telling me to just keep trying, but how can I be any good at something if I never have positive results? It's so soul destroying.