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NeverMore

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I figured I'd let everyone know how I've been, though I don't know if anyone I know still comes around or not; if not then I hope others find something relatable in my story. I didn't put this in success stories because it is not one. I graduated from college with a degree in biology spring of 2011 and manged to find work with a couple of professors for 6 months afterwards. Nothing glamorous, I basically maintained the research fields by keeping them weed free and watered, lol. I spent six months after the job had ended mucking around trying to find a graduate program. I was set to attend grad school way back in September of this year, got accepted and everything. It was in an Agricultural program, I figured I could put my love of plants to a practical purpose and give myself a better shot at getting a job than if I had just gone into a generic Botany program, seemed perfect right?

Well... Shortly after getting orientated into the program, I had what one might classify as a nervous breakdown. The day I was set to attend my first lecture I found that I instead drove to my sister's house over an hour away where I informed my family that I would be dropping out of grad school. Much to my surprise, they didn't seem to mind, though they did raise concerns (rightly so) about my mental health and suggested I see someone which I agreed to.

In the months that followed I started seeing a psychologist and that's pretty much all I've done of any worth. Besides reaffirming the fact that yes I am unfortunately autistic, I learned several disturbing things about myself that I'm not even comfortable confessing on an anonymous forum. Also, I contemplated suicide more often than I'd like to admit and completely reassessed my life goals all of which was done under the constant companion known as loneliness. For there is no greater incentive to avoid people than crippling insanity.

And I don't use the term insanity lightly, I've thought about committing myself to a mental institution once or twice. A weird thing started happening where most nights I wake up while still dreaming. I open my eyes and see all sorts of crazy things. I think it might be sleep paralysis but the frequency which it occurs for me is unheard of; almost every night sometimes up to 20 times in a single night. It's perhaps stress related too but my life is as unstressful as it can possibly be, I don't work and I rarely talk to anyone besides my psychologist. She recommended maybe I should get a sleep study done and I think I will but that is ironically stressful in and of itself. Soon I will have to move back home because of finances which is an undesirable state to say the least.

So basically, I fell off the wagon face first. Now I have no idea what to do with my life and have pretty much given up on all human contact. So... Nevermore, now with 66% more crazy!:)

For more information about crazy read The Bell Jar, I highly recommend it.
 
Hi Nevermore,

I'm not sure if you remember me but I remember you.

From what you have written it is unclear what the nervous breakdown was exactly. I do know The Bell Jar was writen by a woman who committed suicide and I think it was about depression?

Do you think your self-appointed loneliness and isolation is contributing to your insanity at all?

Also, i urge you to PLEASE take seriously the sleep study. I know it will take a lot out of you to do but if you can solve your night hallucinations you may figure out what is wrong and consequently rest better and your mind will perhaps recover somewhat.

Sorry to see you back here in such sorry shape but i'm also glad you reached out to someone (us).

I'm glad you are here.

-Soph

P.S. I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts, or mental breakdowns in which one has to take a break from their studies (my leave of absence from college lasted a year) So I sympathize with you on this matter.
 
Hi Nevermore

I am sorry to hear that things have been going so poorly lately.
 
SophiaGrace said:
Hi Nevermore,

I'm not sure if you remember me but I remember you.

From what you have written it is unclear what the nervous breakdown was exactly. I do know The Bell Jar was writen by a woman who committed suicide and I think it was about depression?

I do remember you, you are one of the most genuinely good people here. I'm not sure what the nervous breakdown was exactly either; all I know is that it was accompanied by an intense desire to run away from everything. It's hard to describe but basically all I could think about was fleeing to some far away place so I wouldn't have to deal with the stresses of grad school and all the social obligations that came with it. Obsessive thoughts about running away that didn't allow me to sleep at night they were so pervasive. This led to all sorts of things after I actually did askew my obligations like the strange sleep "thing".

SophiaGrace said:
Do you think your self-appointed loneliness and isolation is contributing to your insanity at all?

They probably both bolster the other. The insanity makes me not want to talk to people, the not talking to people just makes me crazier.


SophiaGrace said:
Also, i urge you to PLEASE take seriously the sleep study. I know it will take a lot out of you to do but if you can solve your night hallucinations you may figure out what is wrong and consequently rest better and your mind will perhaps recover somewhat.

Sorry to see you back here in such sorry shape but i'm also glad you reached out to someone (us).

I'm glad you are here.

-Soph

P.S. I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts, or mental breakdowns in which one has to take a break from their studies (my leave of absence from college lasted a year) So I sympathize with you on this matter.

I am going to take the sleep study, it's just a matter of setting a doctor's appointment and then bringing it up during that visit, haven't been to a doctor in several years though certainly not looking forward to it but I will.

Thanks for the sympathy everyone, I'll pull through one way or another:)
 

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