W
way
Guest
Hi everyone. Gosh, where to start? I feel embaressed just typing this.
I am a guy that has sufferred EXTREMELY low self esteem all my life. Don't get me wrong, I have some good relationships and a good job. But I have chronic depression and find it extremely difficult interacting with others.
My problem is that I feel awkward and strange. There is no easy way to see it but I'll try and come out and say it. I hate the stereotypes that guys are subjected to. It was drilled into me very heavily as a kid. Be a man, be tough, be rough, don't cry, you're a girl (whenever I did something wrong). Real men do this and real men do that. You won't be much of a man (same thing, when I did something wrong). Take your beatings, being sick is for girls.........etc etc. I think you get the idea.
Well unfortunately, I never lived up to all these expectations, making me feel like garbage. I've never gotten over this, and I am very fearful in the company of others, thinking that most people are like this, and I fear the memories that come running back.
And yeah, it gets real worse and embaressing now. So if you want to laugh, (which I'm prepared for, what the hell, go ahead). I took comfort as a kid in wearing pantyhose/tights. There, I've said anonymously on a forum what I could NEVER EVER say to a person, not even a professional counsellor.
I don't know, the feeling of softness, warmth, comfort, niceness. Nothing sexual, just those feelings described. I've loved them as a kid, and I still love them. Just something nice.
As I said, I have a few good relationships, but at arms distance. I am terribly afraid of letting people into my life. Ironically, I do many things that are "manly", (football, hiking, fishing). But I still crave today nice soft things which I feel so ashamed of. I am truly embaressed to say this, but I have tried and tried and tried to give up, but I just like it too much.
I feel so unbelievably ashamed that a "man" should enjoy something soft and nice against his skin. And I feel like "the girl" that I was told I was. A double whammy really.
Anyway, that's a little about me. Nothing more I can really say at the moment. Thank you for reading.
P.S. Teach. As the first response to my post, thank you so much for your kindness. How distraught am I about my overall life. I broke down straight after typing my post. Gosh, how do I go face to face with someone and tell them things like this? I've thought about it, but never could do it. But really thanks again.
I am a guy that has sufferred EXTREMELY low self esteem all my life. Don't get me wrong, I have some good relationships and a good job. But I have chronic depression and find it extremely difficult interacting with others.
My problem is that I feel awkward and strange. There is no easy way to see it but I'll try and come out and say it. I hate the stereotypes that guys are subjected to. It was drilled into me very heavily as a kid. Be a man, be tough, be rough, don't cry, you're a girl (whenever I did something wrong). Real men do this and real men do that. You won't be much of a man (same thing, when I did something wrong). Take your beatings, being sick is for girls.........etc etc. I think you get the idea.
Well unfortunately, I never lived up to all these expectations, making me feel like garbage. I've never gotten over this, and I am very fearful in the company of others, thinking that most people are like this, and I fear the memories that come running back.
And yeah, it gets real worse and embaressing now. So if you want to laugh, (which I'm prepared for, what the hell, go ahead). I took comfort as a kid in wearing pantyhose/tights. There, I've said anonymously on a forum what I could NEVER EVER say to a person, not even a professional counsellor.
I don't know, the feeling of softness, warmth, comfort, niceness. Nothing sexual, just those feelings described. I've loved them as a kid, and I still love them. Just something nice.
As I said, I have a few good relationships, but at arms distance. I am terribly afraid of letting people into my life. Ironically, I do many things that are "manly", (football, hiking, fishing). But I still crave today nice soft things which I feel so ashamed of. I am truly embaressed to say this, but I have tried and tried and tried to give up, but I just like it too much.
I feel so unbelievably ashamed that a "man" should enjoy something soft and nice against his skin. And I feel like "the girl" that I was told I was. A double whammy really.
Anyway, that's a little about me. Nothing more I can really say at the moment. Thank you for reading.
P.S. Teach. As the first response to my post, thank you so much for your kindness. How distraught am I about my overall life. I broke down straight after typing my post. Gosh, how do I go face to face with someone and tell them things like this? I've thought about it, but never could do it. But really thanks again.