Massive Rant - I hate my race...

[CenotaphGirl]

Maybe just maybe I am in the right or in the wrong here but let me vent this out. Never a need to respond but this is not ramblings, I'm really hurt and annoyed by this.

I hate my race so much guys, it's driving me mad, it always gets in the way of my happiness and makes everything awkward for everyone.

It's the Christmas planning period and my Rob is very into the festive vibes. Now most know I have a childhood of spending Christmas in pubs alone or with my sister because I'm adopted.
So given my past... maybe I overreacted to overhearing my Rob explain that I am "not that black..." to convince his relative to let me come for Christmas dinner.
I dont wanna go where I am not wanted and get treated harshly because of a.... stupid thing I cant change.
I have done it too many times before, excited to be given a chance at dinner with my mums side of the family, only to be kicked out before the food was served...

My Rob said, I cant hear 2 seconds of a convo and decide I know everything and what it was all about... he also said I've never acted so "left wing" and that I should only be concerned with the lords judgement and not of shallow minded people. He also said he was describing me, my race is hard to describe and it sounded bad but I should understand its awkward to describe me as I am from various mixed heritage. He said the person said I sounded "dangerous"... but only meaning that as "good looking"... not going to lie, I rolled my eyes hardddd at that comment.

If he was just describing me I wouldnt mind, but it sounded like he was saying that so I could come, I wasnt listening and spying so I didnt hear everything but I know what I did hear and I know Rob wouldnt lie to me so maybe thats why I didnt ask him to explain because it's just too painful. I dont wanna hear his family dont want me, but maybe i'm projecting because my adopted family didnt want me... I dont know...

He then said I should trust him to protect me but I dont, he is worried I never will trust him to protect me no matter how much he proves he'd never let any harm come to me. He then went on to say that I also made him sound weak, like he wouldnt stick up for me and would just go along with racism, and go against the lord. I felt bad for implying that he wouldn't protect me. I feel all mixed up... So I am drinking at... 7 nearly 8 am... just thinking how much more peaceful his life would be if he just had a white partner... I hateee it , I hate that being with me means awkward convos like that... How bloody awkward... how embarrassing... it's humiliating...

 

[okidoke]

I don't think what i wrote was helpful. I'm sorry you're going thru such a trial.

 

[MrLonely86]

You hate your race? That's soo cute.

I'm ashamed of being human, I wish I could be a bird. XD

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You hate your race? That's soo cute.

I'm ashamed of being human, I wish I could be a bird. XD

Might as well be a shark… so I can be as cold blooded as possible but yes im cute you’re very correct guys im depressed someone do a funny dance or something i cant keep crying I look insane

 

[user 190541]

He then went on to say that I also made him sound weak, like he wouldnt stick up for me and would just go along with racism

His reaction does make it seem like he was indeed trying to convince his relative to let you come (and thus being complicit with racism). It's like he's shifting the blame here. A person with a clean conscience would hardly feel the need to do that. It's a defensive reaction, indicative of one being caught with their pants down.

Can't know for sure, though, but why else would he tell you not to be concerned with other people's judgments? To do so brings in the admission that there are such judgments in the first place. Also, your concern is of a very serious and delicate nature, and by saying that you shouldn't care about other people's opinions, I think he is relativizing an issue that shouldn't be relativized. The fact that he referred to your bringing up this concern as acting "left-wing" confirms this further.

As I said in another post, as much as our situation may compel us to react emotionally, it might be a good idea to look at things rationally (insomuch as that's possible).

Just my opinion, really.

 

[randomguy]

nm

 

[ardour]

Your heritage is nothing to be ashamed of. Describing someone as not that black (not *too* black?) Is stupidly offensive imo.

 

[Bev Thornton]

I hate my race so much guys, it's driving me mad, it always gets in the way of my happiness and makes everything awkward for everyone.

Race ain't real, but racism is.

So given my past... maybe I overreacted to overhearing my Rob explain that I am "not that black..." to convince his relative to let me come for Christmas dinner.

Eh? What is that supposed to mean, "not that black"? If you blew your top on the spot I don't think that would be an overreaction.

I dont wanna go where I am not wanted and get treated harshly because of a.... stupid thing I cant change.

Good idea.

he also said I've never acted so "left wing"

And there's another one. What in the world was that supposed to mean?

I didnt hear everything but I know what I did hear and I know Rob wouldnt lie to me so maybe thats why I didnt ask him to explain because it's just too painful. I dont wanna hear his family dont want me, but maybe i'm projecting because my adopted family didnt want me... I dont know...

This happened to my uncle and his wife. Hunky dory with most all the family, but his children from a previous marriage, something wrong with them. He doesn't go around them anymore. Sad, but a stupid thing he can't change.

I feel all mixed up... So I am drinking at... 7 nearly 8 am...

Not a good idea.

just thinking how much more peaceful his life would be if he just had a white partner...

Eh? How about if he had reasonable relatives?

I hateee it , I hate that being with me means awkward convos like that... How bloody awkward... how embarrassing... it's humiliating...

Rise above it. It's not _being with you_ - it's his relatives and their delusions about human biology, sociality, and culture.

Here's Sinead O-Connor performing a relevant Marley tune.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Cold... cold world inside a bottle guys... okay I have calmed myself enough... here I go...

So, I need to clear up that I dont actually hate people of my race... I hate the idea of race I suppose, never thought people would read into that... that literally so sorry if I offended anyone with that... now... on to the actual drama...

His reaction does make it seem like he was indeed trying to convince his relative to let you come (and thus being complicit with racism). It's like he's shifting the blame here. A person with a clean conscience would hardly feel the need to do that. It's a defensive reaction, indicative of one being caught with their pants down.

Can't know for sure, though, but why else would he tell you not to be concerned with other people's judgments? To do so brings in the admission that there are such judgments in the first place. Also, your concern is of a very serious and delicate nature, and by saying that you shouldn't care about other people's opinions, I think he is relativizing an issue that shouldn't be relativized. The fact that he referred to your bringing up this concern as acting "left-wing" confirms this further.

As I said in another post, as much as our situation may compel us to react emotionally, it might be a good idea to look at things rationally (insomuch as that's possible).

Just my opinion, really.

Honestly Mr Preuss I respect your opininon, my partner is always defensive and always dominant .. always.. 24/7 never stops, I like that about him but it can also be confusing, his "sorry" sounds like a telling off and it's not always easy for me to see the apology. I am emotional and it's something I need to work on, sometimes I use alcohol as a way to stop caring too much, works well but also.. not so well. I think maybe I did jump to conclusions a little but also, I was correct in doing so, so it's like I as wrong but right in a way...

nm

You're the best Randomguy! even this never mind makes me happier than 3 mins ago...

Your heritage is nothing to be ashamed of. Describing someone as not that black (not *too* black?) Is stupidly offensive imo.

I was totally hurt by it and its like... well you know Ardour... I struggle with identity and stuff and it's really thrown me through a loop I dont even wanna spend Christmas with him at all anymore. I think I will spend it alone as always but now he said it looks like I dont know how to be happy and have blown it up so I would be alone on Christmas on purpose. Maybe theres truth to that... I'm not sure... I'll ask my therapist...

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Race ain't real, but racism is.

Eh? What is that supposed to mean, "not that black"? If you blew your top on the spot I don't think that would be an overreaction.

Good idea.

And there's another one. What in the world was that supposed to mean?

This happened to my uncle and his wife. Hunky dory with most all the family, but his children from a previous marriage, something wrong with them. He doesn't go around them anymore. Sad, but a stupid thing he can't change.

Not a good idea.

Eh? How about if he had reasonable relatives?

Rise above it. It's not _being with you_ - it's his relatives and their delusions about human biology, sociality, and culture.

Here's Sinead O-Connor performing a relevant Marley tune.

Hey Bev! This is really interesting, I like how you addressed each point, I wish I had your discipline. Welcome?If I havent said so yet. The drink is killing my brain cells so I genuinely cant remember lolz.

I genuinely have no idea what he meant by left wing at all... I think he meant like... over emotional about non issues or something, but he was annoyed that I was upset really. I felt like he was rejecting this huge part of who I am when I overheard the convo... and then I felt like... he wont want to be with me any more if I dont just pretend it doesn't hurt... you know?

So awful about your uncle and his wife, what a nightmare.

I guess I just felt like why would anyone wanna go through all this nonsense, it would just be easier to not be with me, so I try my very best never to make it an issue but without fail... it always comes up, someones always upset about it... it's like I cant just live... and be happy, theres always this issue around it.

 

[Bev Thornton]

I genuinely have no idea what he meant by left wing at all...

hahahahahaha! Most of the world has no idea what is meant by "left wing" when it is being said by a person raised in the USA.

I think he meant like... over emotional about non issues or something, but he was annoyed that I was upset really. I felt like he was rejecting this huge part of who I am when I overheard the convo... and then I felt like... he wont want to be with me any more if I dont just pretend it doesn't hurt... you know?

I don't know about that. He was probably struggling with what was going on - him arguing with some racist relative.

I guess I just felt like why would anyone wanna go through all this nonsense, it would just be easier to not be with me, so I try my very best never to make it an issue but without fail... it always comes up, someones always upset about it... it's like I cant just live... and be happy, theres always this issue around it.

He probably doesn't want to go through all that, but is willing to because he loves you. So, he flusters and says some stupid thing like, "not that black", and it sounds bad, but that's just some way that people who are raised in a racist culture might speak. It's you and him against the world there. The issue is not going to go away or drown in alcohol. This guy is with you and defending you in the only way he knows how, using language his racist relatives can understand, language that is common in the culture he was raised in.

When I was young we used to do a thing we called, "write it off". I've seen it portrayed in Vietnam war movies as, "it don't mean nothing". It's when something happened or is happening, and it isn't really understandable and you can't really do anything about it. Works better than booze.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

hahahahahaha! Most of the world has no idea what is meant by "left wing" when it is being said by a person raised in the USA.

I don't know about that. He was probably struggling with what was going on - him arguing with some racist relative.

He probably doesn't want to go through all that, but is willing to because he loves you. So, he flusters and says some stupid thing like, "not that black", and it sounds bad, but that's just some way that people who are raised in a racist culture might speak. It's you and him against the world there. The issue is not going to go away or drown in alcohol. This guy is with you and defending you in the only way he knows how, using language his racist relatives can understand, language that is common in the culture he was raised in.

When I was young we used to do a thing we called, "write it off". I've seen it portrayed in Vietnam war movies as, "it don't mean nothing". It's when something happened or is happening, and it isn't really understandable and you can't really do anything about it. Works better than booze.

Wow you know this was so romantic... like I hae never looked at anything like this before, I feel so much better after reading this, it's like I've never thought I was strong enough to fight some battles, but reading that you can tell he is totally with me and defending me, made me cry like... I always feel like unprotected, but maybe protection looks different in different situations... omg, idk, just thanks for this perspective, this really helps.

 

[Bev Thornton]

I always feel like unprotected, but maybe protection looks different in different situations..

It sure does. Sometimes, it even can look like an attack. Things just aren't always what they seem.

 

[yohannbiimu]

Maybe just maybe I am in the right or in the wrong here but let me vent this out. Never a need to respond but this is not ramblings, I'm really hurt and annoyed by this.

I hate my race so much guys, it's driving me mad, it always gets in the way of my happiness and makes everything awkward for everyone.

It's the Christmas planning period and my Rob is very into the festive vibes. Now most know I have a childhood of spending Christmas in pubs alone or with my sister because I'm adopted.
So given my past... maybe I overreacted to overhearing my Rob explain that I am "not that black..." to convince his relative to let me come for Christmas dinner.
I dont wanna go where I am not wanted and get treated harshly because of a.... stupid thing I cant change.
I have done it too many times before, excited to be given a chance at dinner with my mums side of the family, only to be kicked out before the food was served...

My Rob said, I cant hear 2 seconds of a convo and decide I know everything and what it was all about... he also said I've never acted so "left wing" and that I should only be concerned with the lords judgement and not of shallow minded people. He also said he was describing me, my race is hard to describe and it sounded bad but I should understand its awkward to describe me as I am from various mixed heritage. He said the person said I sounded "dangerous"... but only meaning that as "good looking"... not going to lie, I rolled my eyes hardddd at that comment.

If he was just describing me I wouldnt mind, but it sounded like he was saying that so I could come, I wasnt listening and spying so I didnt hear everything but I know what I did hear and I know Rob wouldnt lie to me so maybe thats why I didnt ask him to explain because it's just too painful. I dont wanna hear his family dont want me, but maybe i'm projecting because my adopted family didnt want me... I dont know...

He then said I should trust him to protect me but I dont, he is worried I never will trust him to protect me no matter how much he proves he'd never let any harm come to me. He then went on to say that I also made him sound weak, like he wouldnt stick up for me and would just go along with racism, and go against the lord. I felt bad for implying that he wouldn't protect me. I feel all mixed up... So I am drinking at... 7 nearly 8 am... just thinking how much more peaceful his life would be if he just had a white partner... I hateee it , I hate that being with me means awkward convos like that... How bloody awkward... how embarrassing... it's humiliating...

Race has absolutely nothing to do with who a person is. It is an imaginary divide that only causes negative impulses and ignorant stubbornness. People who reject you for things that you have absolutely no control over are idiots, and you giving them any of your time is casting pearls to swine.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Race has absolutely nothing to do with who a person is. It is an imaginary divide that only causes negative impulses and ignorant stubbornness. People who reject you for things that you have absolutely no control over are idiots, and you giving them any of your time is casting pearls to swine.

Just seems soo harsh sometimes

 

[homelessincheshire]

What "race" do you believe you belong to, that you hate so much?

 

[homelessincheshire]

Race has absolutely nothing to do with who a person is. It is an imaginary divide that only causes negative impulses and ignorant stubbornness. People who reject you for things that you have absolutely no control over are idiots, and you giving them any of your time is casting pearls to swine.

Maybe, but where I live society itself and it's major investors, while controlling debates on race and denying racial crimes, have no answer as to why a specific race makes up 99% of the homeless people that are of predominantly a single sex also who just happen to always be of family making and fighting age. You cannot even have a simple discussion about it online because this "race" has no real political voice, no autonomy, no self determination and are the highest recievers of racially motivated crimes in my country. My race has the lowest birth rate of anywhere in the world AND the female demograph of this race only makes up less than 10% of the worlds population.

 

[Zorananda]

It is a disaster that has left those engineering it with a lot of blood on their hands...and there's only more to come. Luckily for them they don't care.

I believe one's identity is primarily mental but biology isn't a racist construct and there is no point in having politics trump biology. It only creates more problems and I can say from knowing people with personal experiences, that it is a rough life for those used as props for a political agenda.