What has been said to you about your singledom?

[TheSkaFish]

When it comes to being asked if you are gay, one of my fears has actually been if people suspect that about me. None have luckily said it aloud, but it is something that would be hurtful to hear. It isn't the fact that being gay per se would be somehow wrong, but it comes down to being insulted as heterosexual man. That your sexual prowness is so weak and meaningless you might aswell be gay since you haven't been able to attract a woman. It isn't really rational way to think about it, but that is what it comes down to.

I can definitely relate to this. While no one has ever really suggested or asked if I was gay, I too would feel very hurt or insulted by this for the same reason - that my personality or masculinity is so weak, so impotent and watered-down that I am just so fundamentally, at my core unable to attract a woman that I might as well be gay.

Is it rational? Like you said, no. It doesn't really make sense when you think about it. And it also is a waste of time for me or anyone to just think of how we would react in hypothetical situations to insults we've never even really received. But it would hurt just the same, the kind of hurt that both wounds deep and would make me want to lash out at someone. I'm just saying that I get what you mean here.

This is one of the sources of anger, frustration, resentment, hatred and confusion I have on the subject of relationships. I know I need to change some things about me, but I also feel that I'm not doing everything wrong and there are some parts of my personality that I should and want to keep. However some of the things I like about me are some of the very same things that make me not very masculine as guys go. I never really have been. And I don't want to have to turn into this hyper-masculine tough guy in order to get a girlfriend. I wouldn't be happy being like that - something about overly macho guys has always seemed fake to me, it's always seemed exaggerated and ridiculous. I always imagine them constantly checking some tough-guy rulebook on how to act or something, I'd better be seen liking sports, I'd better be loud and make sure everyone thinks I love drugs and alcohol, I'd better swear a lot and look like a gangster, I'd better bully other people. However, I don't know how to compete with such a person without becoming one myself. In a general sense. And competition with them is unavoidable. I just hate how they think and act like they own the world but I don't know how to do anything about it without turning into it. How can one be successful, specifically as a man and when it comes to relationships, without being macho?

 

[VanillaCreme]

I personally don't think there should be a "compete" clause in relationships, or the beginnings of one. I'm sorry, but if a dude doesn't have any interest in me, and shows interests in every other girl, he can have them. I prefer to be subtle than to paint my behind red to attract a mate. Certain things can be toned down in life, and that's one of them.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

That I'm incorrigible....

I sometimes tell my kid that. lol

My Kid reassures me all of her bad traits come from me. It's great to know I'm a role-model. Sorta.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I prefer to be subtle than to paint my behind red to attract a mate. Certain things can be toned down in life, and that's one of them.

Yeah, that's what I'm getting at. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, acting that way has never had any appeal to me. When I see guys act that way I always think "yeah right". I don't want to have to act like that, but I don't want to just get passed over forever either. Or worse, like Frostburn said, having people imply or ask if I am gay.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I prefer to be subtle than to paint my behind red to attract a mate. Certain things can be toned down in life, and that's one of them.

Yeah, that's what I'm getting at. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, acting that way has never had any appeal to me. When I see guys act that way I always think "yeah right". I don't want to have to act like that, but I don't want to just get passed over forever either. Or worse, like Frostburn said, having people imply or ask if I am gay.

So don't act like that. Even if it would work for you, if you're not comfortable being that way or if it didn't come natural to you, the moment you are like that, you're fake. I see nothing good coming out of acting a way that you just aren't.

And I still don't get the gay thing. What if a dude is gay, and is single... What's the question then? "Are you straight?"

 

[Solivagant]

Are people really asked that?

Yes indeed. I've been asked if I'm a lesbian and assumed to be one many times.

There have been many comments about my singledom, most of them hurtful or depressing (or just plain trite), some of which have already been mentioned. It would take way too long to list them. I especially hate weddings because I know my singledom will either be commented on, joked about, or treated with embarrassed silence, like the elephant in the room.

One of the comments that made me feel the worst, aside from the ones related to my physical appearance or personality ("You'll never get a man looking like a schoolmarm," "Change your face if you want men to like you, you look like a pig," "You're not interesting enough to get or keep a man's attention," "You'll probably never have a man in your life, you're not really the kind of person that can be loved," "You're invisible to men," "You're not feminine/sexual/whatever enough" or "Too plain/boring/ugly/whatever," etc.), was when a male friend of mine told me that no man would ever want me. He said it so matter-of-factly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and letting me know would somehow help me. I tried to blow it off but for some reason it has stayed with me for a long time.

Once in awhile I'll hear my mother say, "When a woman is 30 and never been married, you have to wonder what's wrong with her." I'm not 30 yet, but I'm not that far off either, and it makes me cringe.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Once in awhile I'll hear my mother say, "When a woman is 30 and never been married, you have to wonder what's wrong with her." I'm not 30 yet, but I'm not that far off either, and it makes me cringe.

Ooo, that would make me fume. Like anyone else has the right to tell someone when or how to live their life... I'm mad just thinking about it.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Are people really asked that?

Yes indeed. I've been asked if I'm a lesbian and assumed to be one many times.

There have been many comments about my singledom, most of them hurtful or depressing (or just plain trite), some of which have already been mentioned. It would take way too long to list them. I especially hate weddings because I know my singledom will either be commented on, joked about, or treated with embarrassed silence, like the elephant in the room.

One of the comments that made me feel the worst, aside from the ones related to my physical appearance or personality ("You'll never get a man looking like a schoolmarm," "Change your face if you want men to like you, you look like a pig," "You're not interesting enough to get or keep a man's attention," "You'll probably never have a man in your life, you're not really the kind of person that can be loved," "You're invisible to men," etc.), was when a male friend of mine told me that no man would ever want me. He said it so matter-of-factly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and letting me know would somehow help me. I tried to blow it off but for some reason it has stayed with me for a long time.

Once in awhile I'll hear my mother say, "When a woman is 30 and never been married, you have to wonder what's wrong with her." I'm not 30 yet, but I'm not that far off either, and it makes me cringe.

That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear you were treated that way. I used to get insulted all the time too, not quite as exactly on the same topic, but similarly. Comments suggesting I'm undesirable, invisible to women, and just overall ineffectual. Just comments that suggested that my place is being a victim and there's nothing I can do about it. People can be so rotten, I don't know why when there are so many nice things to focus on in the world instead.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Are people really asked that?

Yes indeed. I've been asked if I'm a lesbian and assumed to be one many times.

There have been many comments about my singledom, most of them hurtful or depressing (or just plain trite), some of which have already been mentioned. It would take way too long to list them. I especially hate weddings because I know my singledom will either be commented on, joked about, or treated with embarrassed silence, like the elephant in the room.

One of the comments that made me feel the worst, aside from the ones related to my physical appearance or personality ("You'll never get a man looking like a schoolmarm," "Change your face if you want men to like you, you look like a pig," "You're not interesting enough to get or keep a man's attention," "You'll probably never have a man in your life, you're not really the kind of person that can be loved," "You're invisible to men," "You're not feminine/sexual/whatever enough" or "Too plain/boring/ugly/whatever," etc.), was when a male friend of mine told me that no man would ever want me. He said it so matter-of-factly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and letting me know would somehow help me. I tried to blow it off but for some reason it has stayed with me for a long time.

Once in awhile I'll hear my mother say, "When a woman is 30 and never been married, you have to wonder what's wrong with her." I'm not 30 yet, but I'm not that far off either, and it makes me cringe.

Those people are just horrible. Ugh. They're the ugly ones, you know. fresia them.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Once in awhile I'll hear my mother say, "When a woman is 30 and never been married, you have to wonder what's wrong with her." I'm not 30 yet, but I'm not that far off either, and it makes me cringe.

Ooo, that would make me fume. Like anyone else has the right to tell someone when or how to live their life... I'm mad just thinking about it.

LOL, well, I was married before I was 30 and now I'm wondering what was wrong with me Being married doesn't mean you will be happy. Some people are idiots.

 

[Peaches]

Sadly enough, there ARE ugly people dating sites. People are horrible. No one is ugly, IMO, and that includes TB.

Well... Honestly... Shouldn't everyone be included? Us uglies need lovin' too.

Nilla, you are NOT ugly :club:

But, yes, everyone is included, I just specified TB because it was his post I was replying to and it's pretty well known that we don't get along too well. lol

 

[Outcast]

My mom and dad always nag me about finding someone; I usually just ignore them and keep doing me. Besides that I bumped into these girls I haven't seen since high school and they proceeded to give me a questionnaire about women I've been with. I never really answered because it's none of their business and I only talk about those things with close friends anyway. After that they asked me if I was gay (not that there's anything wrong with being gay) but it pushed me over the edge and instantly pissed me off.

Rude people I tell you.

Why not just be in the moment and not worry about someone's past or if they're single. Enjoy someone's company and have a good time, like someone for who they are.

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

Most of my friends were very understanding about me wishing to have some time just being single after my breakup last year, although one or two couldn't resist trying to convince me to 'get back on the horse' so to speak.

I've never really dated, & as I think I mentioned in another thread somewhere, I have to do the approaching generally so it's not like I have any troubles in being left alone usually.

I have this one friend in particular that is currently(& has for some time been) dating, mostly though online dating sites...she can't quite seem to understand why I have no interest in meeting someone through an organised search. Or why I have preferred to allow myself to stumble into someone whenever the universe saw fit to send them my way........it seems to be working out just fine right now quite frankly!

 

[Mistborn10]

People don't ask me much anymore. Older woman tend to be the only ones who always ask and say "oh your such a nice guy though" haha, I don't mind though cause their always really sweet about it. People who know me know I get flustered and turn red when they ask so it's not something I hear much anymore. I don't like being asked why I don't have a girlfriend though because I don't have an answer for that.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Peaches, that picture made me giggle.

Being married doesn't mean you will be happy.

Absolutely agree. It's wonderful if it does make some people happy, but it's not a certain thing. Wish I could make my guy's family understand this without having to be a ***** to them.

 

[ardour]

Absolutely agree. It's wonderful if it does make some people happy, but it's not a certain thing.

But it does mean you've experienced love and affection at some point in your life.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Absolutely agree. It's wonderful if it does make some people happy, but it's not a certain thing.

But it does mean you've experienced love and affection at some point in your life.

Or it could mean that one just wanted marriage - which does happen, believe it or not. Personally, I don't equate marriage to love and happiness.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Absolutely agree. It's wonderful if it does make some people happy, but it's not a certain thing.

But it does mean you've experienced love and affection at some point in your life.

Or it could mean that one just wanted marriage - which does happen, believe it or not. Personally, I don't equate marriage to love and happiness.

Yeah, people don't always get married for love. Arranged marriages, while not all that common in America, are still happening in other countries. Some people get married for money, etc etc.
Just because you are married, doesn't mean you are in love.

 

[Skid Row 89]

Got asked by a work colleague if I have a girlfriend a few days ago, just a thinly veiled attempt to make me feel awkward because I'm on the shy side and don't have much faith in myself.

 

[ardour]

I'd take it as a compliment if someone asked if I had a girlfriend, since that assumes it's a possibility for me.