I'm in a hopeless situation and one I feel that I can't help but resign myself to the fact that loneliness will forever be my constant companion.
I have a serious health issue that has me fated to go through weekly chemotherapy for the rest of my life. It's to control a tumor in my chest, about the size of a baseball which is immediately life-threatening. That's about all the details I'll share, but the thing is, this treatment makes me ill. Quite ill from Mon-Wed, then I'm exhausted the remainder of the week. It's impossible for me to hold a job or go to school because of this.
I was diagnosed at 20. I'm 37 next month.
I wonder, why would any woman be interested in a guy who.....
-gets $1k of income a month from disability, $400 of which goes to rent, another $360 to piano lessons?
-lives with the parents?
-is physically miserable a large portion of the week?
-is exhausted the remainder?
-deals with constant emotional baggage from this disease?
-has no career?
-no education aside from high school?
-is bipolar II?
-probably won't live to see 50?
I'm not in the greener pasture here. There is absolutely no reason for any person to want to be with me. None. On the contrary, there is every reason NOT to be with me. I don't want to entirely resign myself to the fate of being eternally lonely, but looking at my situation objectively, I see no attraction if I were a lady on the market.
Ever since 20, I've been fighting very hard simply to regain a sliver of my health, whether it be physical or mental. I've had botched surgeries, chemo, radiation, narcotic detoxes, mental institutions. I've never been in love. I've never felt that closeness to another. I've never gazed into another's eyes feeling vulnerable, grateful. I've never felt the embrace of passion, heat, desire and love between the sheets. I'm not saying I'm entirely sexually innocent, but my experiences were all in my teens nigh two decades ago and they were superficial flings at best so I mine as well be. Nothing since my early twenties have I been intimate, and never intimate on a level that even approached anything meaningful. I've never become one with another as much as one can. I don't want a hooker. I don't desire sex, I can beat off, I desire sex only as a means of closeness.
Who would wish to share in a life of constant suffering and hardship? I don't blame people. I know I wouldn't knowing what I endure. It's not fun.
But I'm so incredibly lonely. My parents are my only friends. Hell, last July during a very bad time my mother essentially condoned my suicide and told me to please not to disappear and do it, but to say goodbye first. Yea, I am not kidding. What kind of messed up situation has a mother come out and tell her child she would understand if they killed themselves?
I'm a good looking guy. I get beautiful woman approaching me. Thing is, I'm a child inside. An individual of incredibly stunted development. Everything in life has been put on hold to survive and I know nothing of the world except what it entails to fight severe illness. I hate this rejection. I'm tired of it. I don't even try anymore because no one will take this deck I've been dealt. As if I had a choice. I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN. I'VE FOUGHT, BLED, CRIED. Immensely hard, and what's the reward at the end of the tunnel? Hey pal, no work experience, no job, social skills deteriorated, living with parents, people half my age are more grown up than I am. Good job you did! Hey bud, to add insult to injury, why don't you take a look at all your peers? Y'know, the ones in love, progressing in jobs, buying houses, traveling, having kids, sex, living life? Growing??
fresia YOU. I've been robbed and I feel very bitter about it. This is not something that happened that I had to get over. Everyone has hardships. But fresia's sakes, this is constant. It never relents. What did I do to deserve such misery? How am I stuck in this cycle of torture? Who in their life gets a sentence of chronic chemo? I wouldn't wish a thing on my worst enemy!! How did things come to this? I have every right to feel this way. I have worked so **** hard for something no one gives one honeysuckle for as they have it for free.
All I want is someone to be with. I don't ask for much, simply knowing what love feels like would let me die happy. But I don't feel that this will ever happen.
I have nothing on offer.
This is a bad day. I'm not a self-pity party all the time, despite appearances.
End rant.
I have a serious health issue that has me fated to go through weekly chemotherapy for the rest of my life. It's to control a tumor in my chest, about the size of a baseball which is immediately life-threatening. That's about all the details I'll share, but the thing is, this treatment makes me ill. Quite ill from Mon-Wed, then I'm exhausted the remainder of the week. It's impossible for me to hold a job or go to school because of this.
I was diagnosed at 20. I'm 37 next month.
I wonder, why would any woman be interested in a guy who.....
-gets $1k of income a month from disability, $400 of which goes to rent, another $360 to piano lessons?
-lives with the parents?
-is physically miserable a large portion of the week?
-is exhausted the remainder?
-deals with constant emotional baggage from this disease?
-has no career?
-no education aside from high school?
-is bipolar II?
-probably won't live to see 50?
I'm not in the greener pasture here. There is absolutely no reason for any person to want to be with me. None. On the contrary, there is every reason NOT to be with me. I don't want to entirely resign myself to the fate of being eternally lonely, but looking at my situation objectively, I see no attraction if I were a lady on the market.
Ever since 20, I've been fighting very hard simply to regain a sliver of my health, whether it be physical or mental. I've had botched surgeries, chemo, radiation, narcotic detoxes, mental institutions. I've never been in love. I've never felt that closeness to another. I've never gazed into another's eyes feeling vulnerable, grateful. I've never felt the embrace of passion, heat, desire and love between the sheets. I'm not saying I'm entirely sexually innocent, but my experiences were all in my teens nigh two decades ago and they were superficial flings at best so I mine as well be. Nothing since my early twenties have I been intimate, and never intimate on a level that even approached anything meaningful. I've never become one with another as much as one can. I don't want a hooker. I don't desire sex, I can beat off, I desire sex only as a means of closeness.
Who would wish to share in a life of constant suffering and hardship? I don't blame people. I know I wouldn't knowing what I endure. It's not fun.
But I'm so incredibly lonely. My parents are my only friends. Hell, last July during a very bad time my mother essentially condoned my suicide and told me to please not to disappear and do it, but to say goodbye first. Yea, I am not kidding. What kind of messed up situation has a mother come out and tell her child she would understand if they killed themselves?
I'm a good looking guy. I get beautiful woman approaching me. Thing is, I'm a child inside. An individual of incredibly stunted development. Everything in life has been put on hold to survive and I know nothing of the world except what it entails to fight severe illness. I hate this rejection. I'm tired of it. I don't even try anymore because no one will take this deck I've been dealt. As if I had a choice. I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN. I'VE FOUGHT, BLED, CRIED. Immensely hard, and what's the reward at the end of the tunnel? Hey pal, no work experience, no job, social skills deteriorated, living with parents, people half my age are more grown up than I am. Good job you did! Hey bud, to add insult to injury, why don't you take a look at all your peers? Y'know, the ones in love, progressing in jobs, buying houses, traveling, having kids, sex, living life? Growing??
fresia YOU. I've been robbed and I feel very bitter about it. This is not something that happened that I had to get over. Everyone has hardships. But fresia's sakes, this is constant. It never relents. What did I do to deserve such misery? How am I stuck in this cycle of torture? Who in their life gets a sentence of chronic chemo? I wouldn't wish a thing on my worst enemy!! How did things come to this? I have every right to feel this way. I have worked so **** hard for something no one gives one honeysuckle for as they have it for free.
All I want is someone to be with. I don't ask for much, simply knowing what love feels like would let me die happy. But I don't feel that this will ever happen.
I have nothing on offer.
This is a bad day. I'm not a self-pity party all the time, despite appearances.
End rant.