Strange Conversation in a Dating Site

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user 190541

Killer of Henry Kissinger
Joined
Apr 23, 2023
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So I matched with this girl. She was nerdy and seemed to be quite fun. Not very attractive, tho, but it's not that important because at first it's just conversation, and conversation is fun and naturally you'd like to talk with people who have the same interests and hobbies that you do. All was fine until she asked me what I was looking for in that place, in particular (totally not the most cliché question ever to ask in dating sites), then I answered that, ideally, I would like to meet a very nice girl that views the world the same way as I do, and that, God willing (yes, for an agnostic person I mention God quite a lot), I would like to eventually have a relationship with such a girl, but since this seemed to be asking for too much (for dating site standards), I was content with just talking to people and didn't give the issue much thought. She then almost immediately replied that my answer was "weird". I asked why. She said that no one ever approaches anyone with the intent of having a relationship, and that the interest, at first, is always "casual". "How am I supposed to want to have a relationship with someone I don't even know?", she asked.

I don't think she understood that I meant to say that, so to speak, I'd be evaluating the women I match with in order to assess the feasibility (or lack thereof) of a relationship, but that's beside the point. I then made a couple of rhetorical questions with the intent of showing just how absurd her thinking seemed to me. First I asked, "so every man who approaches you has casual intentions?". She said "yes". Then I asked "have any of such casual encounters ever developed into an actual relationship?". She said that one of them did, and that that's how she got her ex-girlfriend. I answered that that doesn't count, that I was talking specifically about men. The lack of an answer to that seemed to imply that such a thing never happened, as far as men are concerned. You could tell she was getting slightly annoyed. She asked "and why do women not count, exactly?". I answered that I was trying to make a point about male psychology. She said "then do it". Then I told her one of men's (not so secretive) secrets: that men oftentimes view certain women as worthy of no more than sex, and other women as worthy of more than just sex. Predictably, that killed the conversation.

She didn't unmatch, though. Given her silence, I then proceeded to wish her luck in fiding what she was looking for, and I stated that I had no interest in partaking in anything "casual", be with her or any with other girl from that environment. Then I unmatched.

I find things like these absolutely fascinating. I'm only 27 years old, yet sometimes it seems like I have no choice but to be reminded of how certain social customs have changed in just 20 years or so. When I was a teenager, I heard my colleagues (from both sexes) saying "****, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend" all the time. Actually, I was the one, maybe the only one then in the whole class who didn't think much of dating and relationships. I had other, more pressing concerns at the time, even going so far as to reject several advances by my female colleagues. Nowadays, it seems the situation is reversed. I feel as if I'm the only person who wants a relationship.

That's not to say, of course, that I haven't met any women that actually wanted a relationship. I have, but it never got to that point for other reasons, even if we both had that in mind. Still, it seems their numbers decrease by the day.

Any thoughts are appreciated, even if you want to agree with this girl and say I'm weird. I don't think I am, but don't they say that madmen have no idea of their own madness? That's what Brás Cubas tells the reader in his "Memórias Póstumas de Brás Cubas" when confronted with the possibility that he may be mad. He believes that he is not, but who knows, really?
 
I’ve learned it’s a waste of time to try and point out people’s inadequacies (in all forms) to them. It’s also difficult to have a reasonable conversation online as too often written words are misinterpreted without visual and audio cues. Also also, too often young people just want to have fun without planning for the future, until they realise the boat has set sail and they’ve not got their life sorted out yet. Further also, dating apps are atrocious for finding a meaningful relationship. Up until your wrote the final paragraph, the phrase “fools don’t realise their foolishness” was hovering in my thoughts.
 
Women have a bad habit of making every man they aren't that into a weirdo or a creep… at some point its not you, you’re not weird… at some point us women just like to make excuses. Ironically the same old excuse not even anything unique.

Weird
Off vibe
Creep
Player

The list continues …

My issue isn't that we are picky, its that we can never say… not my type respectfully theres always gotta be something wrong with the guy.
 
Some women are naive enough to think that men are good and decent and never have impure thoughts, but yeah, it does seem strange for a woman to have that particular opinion. I once had a guy message me asking me to pretend he's my brother and we'll see what pops up...yeah didn't reply to that. lol

So she was judging you for looking for a relationship....on a platform specifically designed for that.
Going to stop you right there. Not everyone uses dating sites to find relationships. Why else would there be boxes to check for whether you are seeking freinds, casual dating or serious relationships?
Scrolling through profiles myself, I see A LOT of men who don't want a relationship, they want casual, they want to date around without anything serious.
 
Going to stop you right there. Not everyone uses dating sites to find relationships. Why else would there be boxes to check for whether you are seeking freinds, casual dating or serious relationships?
Scrolling through profiles myself, I see A LOT of men who don't want a relationship, they want casual, they want to date around without anything serious.
In my mind, though, those are all forms of relationships. Whether you're dating, looking for friends, looking for a serious partner - whatever. You're still on a dating site where people are looking for other people to connect with. . . and form relationships with. The form that the relationship takes seems irrelevant.
 
Women have a bad habit of making every man they aren't that into a weirdo or a creep… at some point its not you, you’re not weird… at some point us women just like to make excuses. Ironically the same old excuse not even anything unique.

Weird
Off vibe
Creep
Player

The list continues …

My issue isn't that we are picky, its that we can never say… not my type respectfully theres always gotta be something wrong with the guy.

She seemed very interested up to that point. She asked for pictures of my cats (lol). Why stating that I was looking for a relationship would kill that interest is beyond me, but it did. In any case, if doing only that was enough to end that interest, it probably wasn't a deep interest in the first place, and I'd rather avoid having dealings with people who have only shallow interests in mind.
 
In my mind, though, those are all forms of relationships. Whether you're dating, looking for friends, looking for a serious partner - whatever. You're still on a dating site where people are looking for other people to connect with. . . and form relationships with. The form that the relationship takes seems irrelevant.
Well yes, everything is a relationship. Even enemies are in a type of relationship. Co-workers are in a relationship.
But, in this context, I assume by "relationship," they meant serious monogamous relationship.
 
She seemed very interested up to that point. She asked for pictures of my cats (lol). Why stating that I was looking for a relationship would kill that interest is beyond me, but it did. In any case, if doing only that was enough to end that interest, it probably wasn't a deep interest in the first place, and I'd rather avoid having dealings with people who have only shallow interests in mind.
Yeahh men can turn me off real quick, doesn't take much. I was super into this guy and then his voice omg… it was so weird… (yep theres that word again) I couldnt bloody believe it lol but its that easy, and because its that easy I dont think any man should take it too personally.

I’ve tried to put men off me in a social experiment, I put something stupid in my bio when I was single about men being dogs and that they have to kiss my toes and lmaoo it didnt work at all. So I think men think… we are like them and are hard to put off but we are nottt its like the polar opposite. Good luck on your search, also most women do not like to be corrected, most of us do not like man logic nothing annoys us more than when a man gets all logical … we are emotional creatures… (some of us… most of us…)
 
Well yes, everything is a relationship. Even enemies are in a type of relationship. Co-workers are in a relationship.
But, in this context, I assume by "relationship," they meant serious monogamous relationship.
While I realise I'm just feeding a troll here... Enlighten us as to how this is deviant behaviour. Looking for an SO is well within the bounds of normality. We wouldn't exist as a species if most people waited for spontaneous connections to occur without prior motive.

This person is unhinged and probably hates men along with it. Next the crazies and move on OP.
 
This person is unhinged and probably hates men along with it.
And I'm the troll? You have a short accounting of what happened, you don't know the girl, you don't even know the OP, but it's just automatically "the girl is psycho, get away from her fast"? Are you kidding me? Also, I never said it was "deviant behavior," but please carry on deliberately misconstruing my words so you can argue with me....

We wouldn't exist as a species if most people waited for spontaneous connections to occur without prior motive.
Elon Musk has 11 children with 7 different women. Men knock women up a lot and don't stick around. I'm sure our species will survive just fine. :rolleyes:

Seriously, you should stop projecting the troll comment onto others.
 
It’s like people deliberately see things in other people’s posts that aren’t there. To me, THAT is deviant behaviour and I’ve always hated it.
 
Elon Musk has 11 children with 7 different women. Men knock women up a lot and don't stick around. I'm sure our species will survive just fine. :rolleyes:

But would a society comprised of Elon Musks and single mothers be a society worth living in?
 
Is there something wrong with single mothers?

I don't think that's the optimal familial setup for raising kids. Other than that, nothing. The fact that in this scenario the whole of the male gender would be constituted of Elon Musks poses a far greater problem.
 
As alarmingly alt right as it may sound, the socially enforced monogamy of 50+ years ago came with clear benefits to society. Now looking for a long term relationship is "weird", but "casual" fwb arrangements or hook ups are normal, like some strange inversion of social conservativism.

Of course this also benefits the 'have's' - young women and top tier men - with willing partners lining up, while less desirable but more sincere people are stigmatized for wanting anything.
 
As alarmingly alt right as it may sound, the socially enforced monogamy of 50+ years ago came with clear benefits to society. Now looking for a long term relationship is "weird", but "casual" fwb arrangements or hook ups are normal, like some strange inversion of social conservativism.

Of course this also benefits the 'have's' - young women and top tier men - with willing partners lining up, while less desirable but more sincere people are stigmatized for wanting anything.
You’d knock back one of your gorgeous young Asian girls who just wanted a casual arrangement?
 
OP, I definitely feel your frustration, but I just wanted to say this in general:

I think before we get all worked up about this one person who wanted something casual, it would be a good idea to stop and look around. I feel like sure, it's become more acceptable for people to want casual sex - specifically for women to want casual sex - but I still think the majority of men or women, still want a relationship.

As someone who messed up my life from catastrophizing, I think it's a good idea to not let ourselves freak out over the opinions of a still small segment of the population.
 
You’d knock back one of your gorgeous young Asian girls who just wanted a casual arrangement?
If by "young girls" you mean a woman well into her twenties....if it were a choice between that and dying a virgin, I'd take that, but I prefer a relationship to something empty.
 

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