I’ve just now joined the forum. Hello.

[user 191131]

Here I am where I thought I’d never be. I am feeling a lot of pain right now so if I try to describe myself and the situation with my wife, in detail, it won’t be very nice. I am trying to dissect the situation piece by piece to find out if I am over-reacting or if what I am feeling is justified. Is it as bad as I think it is - is it “normal” – and can I cope without seeking a divorce or expecting one from my wife? Those are the question I am faced with. To be honest it seems to me that she is provoking me to make a separation/divorce “my choice”, if you know what I mean. Wish me luck, please.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to ALL. There are definitely worse places to be.

I'm not sure what your situation is, but try to do the best you can while you make whatever decision you have to make. And good luck, I know marital problems are not easy.

 

[user 191131]

Welcome to ALL. There are definitely worse places to be.

Thank you for making me smile. I need to smile but there are few opportunities in my marriage these days.

I'm not sure what your situation is, but try to do the best you can while you make whatever decision you have to make. And good luck, I know marital problems are not easy.

Thank you, very much.

 

[okidoke]

Welcome to the forum. Good luck with your situation Jackie.

 

[user 191131]

Welcome to the forum. Good luck with your situation Jackie.

Thank you.

 

[Aelfie]

Hi Jackie

This sounds like a tough situation, and I hope you get the clarity you need.

 

[user 191131]

Hi Jackie

This sounds like a tough situation, and I hope you get the clarity you need.

Thank you. I'm working on it. It looks like the only way through it is accept everything my wife does (even if it hurts me) and don't criticise. It ain't easy.

 

[user 191088]

Most based Swede I've ever known. Good luck with the business with your wife.

 

[user 191131]

..... To be honest it seems to me that she is provoking me to make a separation/divorce “my choice”, if you know what I mean. ....

I asked my wife earlier today if she wants a divorce and she said "no." I just now had another talk with her that she herself initated for the first time. To make a long story short, she now says that she is considering a divorce (for my benefit). So I asked her a series of questions to find the root of that thought but in true female fashion she made no logic at all and insisted that she does not want a divorce but that it might be the best solution to a problem that in the earlier talk I said I was OK with. So, I'm in agreement with her earlier wishes but she still thinks a divorce is best for me? I think this confirms my suspicions that she does want a divorce but tries to make it seem that it would be in my best interest. As it stands now I am running every scenario in my head to bide my time until I come up with the best way to survive a divorce and hope I find the least painful for me before she says "it's finished". You see, I want to be prepared but it ain't easy .... and I have a feeling that the end is very near - maybe even within the day. Please someone, hold my hand! This is tough, really, really tough.

 

[okidoke]

....I think this confirms my suspicions that she does want a divorce but tries to make it seem that it would be in my best interest......

I agree.

..... I have a feeling that the end is very near - maybe even within the day. .....

No, these things have a tendency to drag on.

... This is tough, really, really tough.

Yep. Not many divorces are otherwise.

I really wish you luck. Hopefully she won't give you too much grief if she just wants it over as well.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I asked my wife earlier today if she wants a divorce and she said "no." I just now had another talk with her that she herself initated for the first time. To make a long story short, she now says that she is considering a divorce (for my benefit). So I asked her a series of questions to find the root of that thought but in true female fashion she made no logic at all and insisted that she does not want a divorce but that it might be the best solution to a problem that in the earlier talk I said I was OK with. So, I'm in agreement with her earlier wishes but she still thinks a divorce is best for me? I think this confirms my suspicions that she does want a divorce but tries to make it seem that it would be in my best interest. As it stands now I am running every scenario in my head to bide my time until I come up with the best way to survive a divorce and hope I find the least painful for me before she says "it's finished". You see, I want to be prepared but it ain't easy .... and I have a feeling that the end is very near - maybe even within the day. Please someone, hold my hand! This is tough, really, really tough.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's not easy, but one thing I always recommend is to NOT think for other people. It might confirm your suspicions, but it might not. Only she knows the real reason behind what she said.
Have you tried therapy?

 

[user 191131]

I agree.


No, these things have a tendency to drag on.


Yep. Not many divorces are otherwise.

I really wish you luck. Hopefully she won't give you too much grief if she just wants it over as well.

Thank you.

 

[user 191131]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's not easy, but one thing I always recommend is to NOT think for other people. It might confirm your suspicions, but it might not. Only she knows the real reason behind what she said.

I honestly don't know if I can take it. Without my family there is nothing left of my world.

Have you tried therapy?

She has absolutely no interest in family therapy and in my country the only way for me to get any help is to turn myself over to the suicide ward.

 

[okidoke]

I honestly don't know if I can take it. Without my family there is nothing left of my world.

She has absolutely no interest in family therapy and in my country the only way for me to get any help is to turn myself over to the suicide ward.

Why would you lose your family? You’d only be divorcing her, not anyone else. Do you mean she would take your kids? You would still see them surely?

 

[user 191131]

Why would you lose your family? You’d only be divorcing her, not anyone else. Do you mean she would take your kids? You would still see them surely?

She and my son are my only family. Seeing someone is nowhere near the same thing as living with them and sharing life on a daily basis. Are you a woman, perhaps? Maybe you don't understand.

 

[okidoke]

She and my son are my only family. Seeing someone is nowhere near the same thing as living with them and sharing life on a daily basis. Are you a woman, perhaps? Maybe you don't understand.

Lol, no, I am a man who’s been in a platonic marriage for waaay too long. Don’t forget, your son would eventually leave home anyway. You can’t keep the same father/son dynamic forever. It changes as they get older.

 

[user 191131]

I am a man who’s been in a platonic marriage for waaay too long. ...

Please explain.

 

[user 191088]

Lol, no, I am a man who’s been in a platonic marriage for waaay too long. Don’t forget, your son would eventually leave home anyway. You can’t keep the same father/son dynamic forever. It changes as they get older.

A very important point. One must never forget that things are always changing, the stationary character of things is nothing but an illusion. Do what you must to make things work out for you, but if your efforts fail, do not fear what destiny shall bring. Change is all you have ever known, it is all you'll ever know, so why fear it? Seek comfort in the fact that you did what you could, that you exhausted all your possibilities, yet there are imperious forces that command our fate, and it's best to respect them, to admire them, even love them, because they refer to the mysteries of the universe, to the transcendental nature of reality, even if human hands and minds play a role in such a fate. Against men one can and must fight, but when it's nature herself that is in front of us, it's best to lay down your sword.

 

[okidoke]

Please explain.

I’ve mentioned my situation enough times already.

 

[user 191131]

A very important point. One must never forget that things are always changing, the stationary character of things is nothing but an illusion. Do what you must to make things work out for you, but if your efforts fail, do not fear what destiny shall bring. Change is all you have ever known, it is all you'll ever know, so why fear it? Seek comfort in the fact that you did what you could, that you exhausted all your possibilities, yet there are imperious forces that command our fate, and it's best to respect them, to admire them, even love them, because they refer to the mysteries of the universe, to the transcendental nature of reality, even if human hands and minds play a role in such a fate. Against men one can and must fight, but when it's nature herself that is in front of us, it's best to lay down your sword.

It is all very well (easy?) to see it in philosophical terms unless you are in the jaws of the shark.