I need your help

Sorry for the long post. I tried to keep it as short as possible, but I request you all to reply to this message. Just suggest what you feel. You may not know it, but you would be doing a massive favour on this young and confused lad.

I have been an introvert since my earliest childhood. I have never really had any close friends. Some people feel I enjoy the solitude, which I honestly do, but the problem arises when it becomes loneliness. Indeed, I like the time when I can be alone, focus on only my thoughts and do something constructive. But it still feels good to have a person with whom you can spend quality time, share your thoughts and have a mutually symbiotic relationship.

Coming to the point, I like a girl at school, have been for the last four months. Initially, it was a negligible feeling, but now I am dying inside due to the emotional longing. It is always a bittersweet experience to see her laugh freely with other people, it is so beautiful, yet the notion that I probably cannot be the person that makes her laugh pains me. If I tell some people that I like someone, many say I just want to have ***. To be honest, I am disgusted by the idea of having ***. My longing is a purely emotional one. I just like her as a person, and want to spend time with her. It could be anything, maybe just talking to her about something she is interested in, or about a book that both of us have read, or something as simple as playing a video game together, anything that makes me interact with her for more than ten seconds.

Now, my problem is that the desire of having a conversation but the inability to do so, is making me overthink, distracted from work, and just a constant feeling of sadness. So should I go out of my way and speak to her, or should I just forget about it? If I forget about it, I may get rid of this sadness, but I'll be faced with the more terrible sadness of not having anyone in my life for me, and just living a meaningless life. I have a mundane routine, no time for pursuing my hobbies, have people always reprimanding me, and she seems to be the only person that causes me happiness. On the other hand, if I do speak to her, there is a chance that I get that 'someone' in my life, but I fear she may be weirded out by it, and if other people come to know, I don't know what the reaction may be, I don't want to be branded as a creep when I don't have negative intentions.

Please note that I am not blaming her for this. It is me that needs to navigate my emotions. Please let me know what you think: should I make an effort to connect with her? Or should I just get rid of these thoughts from my mind?

I am not sure why you feel that you would be branded "a creep" just for talking to her.

Minus said:

I am not sure why you feel that you would be branded "a creep" just for talking to her.

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Intuitively I did not feel that way, yet in the locality that I live in, this often seems to be the mindset of most people. I agree that this is a sick mentality, but it exists and I have seen it. So how to deal with it?

I am no social butterfly and have the social skills of a dirt clod, but it would seem like there has to be a way to talk to people without being judged a creep or else the standard is that everyone is a creep.

You're over-thinking and over analyzing. Unfortunately, this is a common thing for certain types of people (as this post exemplifies, heh) (perhaps there are upsides, but that's another topic).

She may not feel the same (and building her up to be so much, when you haven't even established a friendship or acquaintance, doesn't necessarily help (think of it as: 'celebrity syndrome': if you build some one up to the point they are like an idol to you, it will be more difficult to engage with them as an equal. And that's what we ultimately desire in friendship, some one who is our equal in many ways, compliments us.))

Sometimes song-bird's song, is just that: beautiful, enchanting, and inspiring. However, a bird is not a human and must tend to the life of a bird. (this is an analogy, in that, if one were to try and approach the bird, the song would stop, and the bird would most likely flee).

Now, perhaps that is not the case.

Perhaps it's just as simple as: talking to her! However, a big mistake a lot of men make, that a lot of women have historically made as well, is coming on too strong. The desire a lot of us have, is to have a deep meaningful partnership with some one to share our lives with. Sometimes, there is 'love at first sight,' but, that is rare.

You may have to, 'get to know her friends,' establish yourself as part of, 'her circle,' and from there, perhaps there will be a chance to spend time with just her: sharing a meal, seeing a movie, going ice-skating, seeing a sporting event, seeing a concert: these sorts of things.

A lot of us here are chronically lonely! So, we can't always give the best advice: however, there is an old saying, "Fortune favors the brave!"

So, take these sorts of things into consideration. Think of it like a dance, or a song. First you have to jump in and start dancing, or you have to start laying down a beat; then, you have to keep up your rhythm. Some songs and dance are solo, you can do them yourself. Some songs and dance are meant for two and two alone. Some are meant for two, but we switch partners throughout the dance. And some song and dance are group efforts.

You've said you like her laugh, and most anyone enjoys laughing: so, that's one route one can consider: can I make her laugh? Not so different from a woman who is interested in a man, so she finds out what his favorite desert is, makes the cookies, and brings them to him (hopefully she does this in a subtle way, like: just so happening to make some, 'extra cookies,' at an event they will both be attending, so as not to be too forward, and intrude upon his ego.)

So, I'm not sure I can offer much in the way of advice. But, I do know from experience, as most anyone will tell you. You're chances of some one opening a door for you, are much better if you knock on the door, rather than hoping some one will just open it at the right time.

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And the truth about, 'creepiness,' so you know: is the following

There are two types of creeps: The first type, is a person who is doing things that are not proper: like spying on some one. So, that's easy enough to avoid by just being a decent human being.

The second type of creep (and probably the most numerous kind): is some one who some one else doesn't find attractive (they are repulsed by some one (rather than attracted to them), and labels them, 'a creep.')

So, just so you know: the second type of, 'creep,' doesn't exist, objectively. It's a only a concept, created and held in the mind, of some one, you may ultimately not want to associate with at all, in the first place. They have an ego issue (and we all have ego problems). The second type only exists in the mind of the person who is repulsed by some one, however.

So, fortunately, if you are labeled the second type, it's more of a concern for the other person; it simply means, they aren't attracted to you. And at that point, you consider the situation: is my lack of ability to attract this person, something I can change? Or are they not attracted to, 'me,' the person, 'I am,' the person I will have to be for the rest of my life?

If you have a habit of chewing with your mouth open, you can change that. If you have a habit of dressing a certain way, that you would like to change because YOU want to dress differently, not because some one else wants it, then you can change how you dress, or talk, or act, or whatever....up to a point. But, changes like these are best, when the impetus to change comes from within; and even then, it may not matter, because the creep at this point, is one that only exists in their mind, and perhaps there is nothing you can do to change their mind.

And some times there are things about us, we can not change. If you are a labeled a creep, and the popular crowd thinks of you as a creep, you will most likely not be able to change their minds. But, if a cool person, takes notice of you, and starts hanging out with you, suddenly, 'the mob,' may change their opinion of you, because, 'the mob,' is fickle: people can be fickle-minded. But that's a chance happening. You can hope and pray for something like that to happen, but, it's not something you can put any effort into making happen, anymore than we can control the weather. It's a luck-of-the-draw sort of thing.

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So, this is a bit of a long post.

The point is, as long as you are behaving respectably, if some one thinks you are a creep, it's their problem, not yours.

And you don't want to partner up with with some one you've made out to be an idol/celebrity in your mind; you want an equal.

And to be some one's equal, they must see you as an equal (not a creep, obviously).

And to establish an acquaintance, a friendship, and perhaps more: you must take steps in that direction.

And some things we can change, some things we can not.

And if at first you don't succeed: try, try again!

Practice makes perfect.

I can relate to some of what you say.

If you can't talk to her, my advice is to do something else. Maybe give her a friendly present or something. Make her some brownies. Let her know she's appreciated, without pressure (and without making it about her looks; that's a turnoff to some people, but others like it; I told a girl online she had pretty eyes once, without romantic intentions, and she blocked me, no questions asked; granted, your odds of success are somewhat better in person than a random girl online). If you drive and have a car, you probably have a lot more options than I did.

If you can't talk to her, she may not have developed much of an interest in you, yet (that's how it turned out in my situation, although we did end up being friends, at least). So, I don't advise going all-out trying to find out if she's interested in you until you build a relationship. Give her a reason to like you (besides the offchance that she's just smitten with you). Being around her and trying to talk to her probably isn't enough.

Considering creepy culture, you should probably avoid overly romantic gifts, like jewelry, and chocolates. Maybe don't give gifts often (once or twice is probably a good transition into something else). Just focus on being friends first. Then go from there.

When you do want to date, maybe ask her if she wants to see a movie, a musical performance, or something. You don't have to talk a lot at those, and when you do, you've got a topic to talk about. It doesn't even have to be in the theaters. It can be a show instead. Shared experiences are good.

Maybe play board games. If she likes them, that's a good sign (for me, anyway; maybe you hate them).

I might suggest running whatever you're planning by Chat-GPT or such first to see what it thinks. I think it's pretty good at predicting likely reactions. Asking it for ideas could be great, too.

If you don't have a cellphone, see this link:

https://chat.lmsys.org/

I never wore it, but maybe cologne works for you. That's something to think about. I hate cologne. I love the smell of perfume on girls, though (well, some of it). Alas.

Anyway, I'm not married to this day. So, take this with a grain of salt. I have been on lots of dates, though (and most of them went well), but still nothing beyond dates (no girlfriend, as far as I knew). This was quite a while ago. I haven't been on a date in years.

Oh, I have more advice. You're probably infatuated with her or something. So, you might not realize exactly what you think of her because of that, which could be making you see the best things possible about her and ignoring all the stuff you might care about in the future. I advise finding out what she's really like (including her interests). Find out how compatable you really are together.

If things are still awkward after considerable effort, and you still don't feel like decent friends, I might advise moving on to someone else. The relationship needs potential. Progress is important.

mustachioed_badass_42 said:

yet the notion that I probably cannot be the person that makes her laugh pains me

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Why do you think you can't make her laugh?

mustachioed_badass_42 said:

having a conversation but the inability to do so

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Why can't you talk to her? The main point is that she is just a person, no different than anyone else you might talk to. Stop worrying so much about what might or might not happen in the future because you aren't there yet. All you have is today and you lose every opportunity you don't and/or refuse to attempt.

Also, you are definitely overthinking here. You aren't being creepy, you are just interested in a girl and are afraid to talk to her. It happens a lot more than you might think, for both men and women. So I guess the real question isn't whether or not you should approach her, but rather.....can you live with the regret you will likely feel if you don't at least try?

There’s a lot to unpack and good advice already given, but one issue I see is your disgust with ***. Two people sharing intimacy like that isn’t disgusting. That may be something you need help resolving. As for asking her out, keep it simple. Coffee or similar at a cafe. Just be nice about the response whatever it is. If you don’t think you can handle a rejection or some negative broader result, then let it go. Either do it or don’t but get out of the limbo you’re in because staying there isn’t a good thing.

I thank you all for taking the time to not only read my post, but to also let me know your thoughts. I will consider what you all have said. Also, I would like to clarify that we are not complete strangers, and do talk occasionally. I am also not considering her as a "perfect" individual with no personal flaws. But my problem is that I want to have some meaningful one-on-one conversation with her, but she is always with other people, many of whom I am not familiar with. That is what makes it difficult to talk. Anyways, let's see what happens.

mustachioed_badass_42 said:

Sorry for the long post. I tried to keep it as short as possible, but I request you all to reply to this message. Just suggest what you feel. You may not know it, but you would be doing a massive favour on this young and confused lad.

I have been an introvert since my earliest childhood. I have never really had any close friends. Some people feel I enjoy the solitude, which I honestly do, but the problem arises when it becomes loneliness. Indeed, I like the time when I can be alone, focus on only my thoughts and do something constructive. But it still feels good to have a person with whom you can spend quality time, share your thoughts and have a mutually symbiotic relationship.

Coming to the point, I like a girl at school, have been for the last four months. Initially, it was a negligible feeling, but now I am dying inside due to the emotional longing. It is always a bittersweet experience to see her laugh freely with other people, it is so beautiful, yet the notion that I probably cannot be the person that makes her laugh pains me. If I tell some people that I like someone, many say I just want to have ***. To be honest, I am disgusted by the idea of having ***. My longing is a purely emotional one. I just like her as a person, and want to spend time with her. It could be anything, maybe just talking to her about something she is interested in, or about a book that both of us have read, or something as simple as playing a video game together, anything that makes me interact with her for more than ten seconds.

Now, my problem is that the desire of having a conversation but the inability to do so, is making me overthink, distracted from work, and just a constant feeling of sadness. So should I go out of my way and speak to her, or should I just forget about it? If I forget about it, I may get rid of this sadness, but I'll be faced with the more terrible sadness of not having anyone in my life for me, and just living a meaningless life. I have a mundane routine, no time for pursuing my hobbies, have people always reprimanding me, and she seems to be the only person that causes me happiness. On the other hand, if I do speak to her, there is a chance that I get that 'someone' in my life, but I fear she may be weirded out by it, and if other people come to know, I don't know what the reaction may be, I don't want to be branded as a creep when I don't have negative intentions.

Please note that I am not blaming her for this. It is me that needs to navigate my emotions. Please let me know what you think: should I make an effort to connect with her? Or should I just get rid of these thoughts from my mind?

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That's a tough request. Generally, solid relationships begin with that thing "in common" rather than the "head over heels" from a vantage point from behind the bushes. But you mention school so I assume you are young-ish. The question I put to you is .... have the two of you anything in common that you know of?

mustachioed_badass_42 said:

Please let me know what you think: should I make an effort to connect with her? Or should I just get rid of these thoughts from my mind?

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I think both. Connect with her, but also, go easy on the intense analysis!

Sorry if I'm over-simplifying it but you have to be cool. By that I mean, if you over-think and over-analyse this girl and your future interactions with her, the more likely she is to be overwhelmed by you. Girls can sense this stuff!

Perhaps not the best comparison, please don't draw too many parallels, (I'm really not comparing dating girls to buying cars, it's about mindset) - but - imagine that you want to buy a car.

When you're negotiating with the sales person, if they sense that you REALLY want this car, they will play on your very human fear of loss, which means they will drive a very hard sale, because when they sense that you want it that badly, you will pay a higher price to ensure that you don't lose out on this opportunity. Generally speaking, the more sensible approach is to be willing to walk away. Know your price, know where you stand, know your terms - by standing off a bit more and playing things cool, you're actually more likely to secure the car that you want at a price that doesn't sacrifice more than you're rationally willing to. You may still lose the deal, but it doesn't matter, because you stay true to yourself and tried your best within reason.

So - I guess what I'm trying to say is, just treat her like any other person that you're interested in learning more about. Try not to elevate her above others, especially given that you barely know her all things considered!! Be OK with the possibility that it may not happen - as long as you try your best, what does it matter. If it's really meant to be, she will have as much to gain from a friendship / relationship with you, as you will with her. So be confident, play it cool, you'll do great.

Easier said than done, I know. Good luck