Bad Thoughts

[user 191131]

"BAD THOUGHTS" ..... and maybe some good ones?

In my grief I have created a diversion similar in a very slight way to the situation in my OP. I am pretending to be OK with my marital difficulties, treading water or whatever it is I’m doing, hoping against hope that the ax won’t fall after all. Those little things I’ve been harbouring and acting out are not my druthers at all.

Well, getting on with the reason for this post is something else I have constructed and in a way pretending again. An acquaintance of mine passed away a couple of years ago. I couldn’t stand to be in the presence of his extremely neurotic wife for more than ten minutes and I avoided his funeral for that very reason. I do visit his grave about once a month to speak and “listen”. The last time I visited him (just a couple of days ago) I got an urge to contact his wife. It’s very strange because she drives me up the wall. Anyway, I did it. She’s even crazier than she was before but I put my anguish aside and let her speak. Is it just that seeing and hearing her that makes my own problems seem minuscule in comparison? Yes, I think so but I also see that her madness is human. I just telephoned her now and we’re going to meet again at 12:30. Now, it is true that I am pretending that she’s a spiritual asset (for her sake) but the stimulus she generates is good for me even though I don’t understand it. Just two loonies squawking (mostly she) and bathing in the presence of another human being? I suppose that’s all it is.

 

[okidoke]

A) I've never heard the word "druthers" before and B) I don't know if mixing with this woman is such a good idea, but you do as you please.

 

[TheRealCallie]

My method (as I put in my OP) is hurting no one

You might be surprised what it's actually doing, because I bet it's hurting both you AND her.

She thinks I'm OK with the situation but I am not

Don't think for her. You don't know what she's thinking. And I bet she's not as dumb as you seem to think she is.


You need to stop likening this to death. It's not. You may think it is, it may feel like it is, but it doesn't have to be that way. I get it, you think I'm just a stupid woman who doesn't know her own *** from a hole in the ground, but I understand a lot of things, I'm also more observant than most people. I've been through and seen more than you can know. Hell, I've practically been in your shoes, once upon a time.
Like I said before. Stop focusing on everything you can do nothing about and start focusing on you. Don't you want to be happy? You have to get rid of the negativity if you ever hope to accomplish that. If that negativity comes from her.....if you continue down the path where you manipulate and **** with her psychologically (yes, that is what you are doing), you will not only resent yourself, but you will break her. You say you love her, start acting like it. Let her go. Maybe she'll wake up and realize what she lost...maybe she won't. But you are doing no one any favors by staying miserable.

 

[user 191131]

You might be surprised what it's actually doing, because I bet it's hurting both you AND her.


Don't think for her. You don't know what she's thinking. And I bet she's not as dumb as you seem to think she is.


You need to stop likening this to death. It's not. You may think it is, it may feel like it is, but it doesn't have to be that way. I get it, you think I'm just a stupid woman who doesn't know her own *** from a hole in the ground, but I understand a lot of things, I'm also more observant than most people. I've been through and seen more than you can know. Hell, I've practically been in your shoes, once upon a time.
Like I said before. Stop focusing on everything you can do nothing about and start focusing on you. Don't you want to be happy? You have to get rid of the negativity if you ever hope to accomplish that. If that negativity comes from her.....if you continue down the path where you manipulate and fresia with her psychologically (yes, that is what you are doing), you will not only resent yourself, but you will break her. You say you love her, start acting like it. Let her go. Maybe she'll wake up and realize what she lost...maybe she won't. But you are doing no one any favors by staying miserable.

I'm going to put you with the others.

 

[Draven]

I'm going to put you with the others.

Elaborate on that one dawg . I wanna watch you blow more smoke

Talking about you're gonna put Callie with the others. Fuuck you mean by that dude . Block her? Dust her? Please keep saying dummy shiet . Keep digging that hole dude it's funny af to me.

Hell I thought you were a small entertaining addition on this forum for depressed mother fuuckers but the more and more you been gone on like this I'll be looking at you different

Say something . I for one I love it I don't mind some lame asss keyboard hate from you neither

 

[user 191131]

"BAD THOUGHTS" ..... and maybe some good ones?

..... An acquaintance of mine passed away a couple of years ago. I couldn’t stand to be in the presence of his extremely neurotic wife for more than ten minutes .... I got an urge to contact his wife. It’s very strange because she drives me up the wall. Anyway, I did it. She’s even crazier than she was before but I put my anguish aside and let her speak. Is it just that seeing and hearing her that makes my own problems seem minuscule in comparison? Yes, I think so but I also see that her madness is human. I just telephoned her now and we’re going to meet again at 12:30. Now, it is true that I am pretending that she’s a spiritual asset (for her sake) but the stimulus she generates is good for me even though I don’t understand it. Just two loonies squawking (mostly she) and bathing in the presence of another human being? I suppose that’s all it is.

It's funny (interesting, not ha-ha) how things develop. We put some people on ignore and we make concessions and develop tolerance for others and we can never know where it will lead us or where it will end ..... if things ever do "end". I met her yesterday as planned. I let her ramble as much as I could endure and then i interjected (or tried to) a word or two about my own predicament. She knew nothing at all about my marital situation you see. I didn't say a word about it when we met before. I discovered that once she latches onto a different subject then you've got her attention. She's like a bull dog. To make a long story short we sat at that café (same one as last time) for 2 1⁄2 hours and when we parted we came away with a plan. We decided (preliminary) that we are going away together (abroad) for a week. The week away will be a secret just between the two of us. The question is, will I go through with it? I think I probably will. I see it as something therapeutic for the both of us and I'm looking forward to it. The main objection I have (to this, my very own plan) is that she is insane, well, in the way that neurotic women can be. Did I mention that she’s an artist? A painter. I never understood those people. Salvador Dali was insane. They are all insane.

 

[TheRealCallie]

So, the idea of getting your own daily life and focusing on yourself and not being vindictive and manipulative to your wife is absurd, but running away with another woman you can't stand for a week is not.....okay, got it.....not sure how THEY are the insane ones, but it's your story, tell it like you want to, I guess.

 

[Thomas]]

Resentment in relationships is such an upsetting thing to see happen. It builds and manifests so slowly that nobody notices it day by day, like how a beautiful garden can turn into a bitter jungle over years if left alone. But you would never notice it by the hour or by the day.

The only things you can really do are

a) tackle it head on and clear out the roots. When they've gotten so big and so deep and protected by thorns, this is surely inconceivable. But it's the only true way. Jackie, that's why people here are offering you some perspectives on deep meaningful conversations with your wife.

b) accept your fate and live amongst the chaos. It's a perfectly understandable choice to make given the amount of work the other option will require. If that's where you want to be, then so be it. But that is your choice and nobody elses. I can't say it's where I would want to be, but I'm not in your situation, so consider that a fresh perspective from the outside looking in.

I won't comment here any further than this, but, I hope you and your wife somehow find some repose before it's too late for you both.
Good luck.

 

[user 191131]

Good luck.

Thank you very much.

 

[user 191131]

I realize that writing all of this down here and now won’t make my situation any better. So, why am I telling you? I don’t know.

The last second update is like this: My wife is a pathological liar, something I've pretty much known for years but she has denied it all along and she get furious (rather than apologetic) when I've caught her in a lie. She has also been meeting a guy for *** for at least 3 months behind my back but denied it until I presented her with the proof and so now she admits it.

Last night I told that I've been to speak to a psychologist (for my own benefit and to determine whether I am suicidal or not) and it was recommended that my wife and I seek family consultation. I responded that my wife will never consent to consultation. Well, now that I've told my wife about it she got indignant that I would make such an assumption about her. So, I told her that I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow (Monday) and that the suggestion will certainly be brought up. "Should I say that you are interested?" The reply was "yes". But at this very moment she's changed her mind and said "no". The last thing she said to me is that she is OK with her life as a pathological liar and that she will continue meeting that guy (or even maybe some other one) for *** indefinitely. On the subject of divorce she has always said that she doesn't want one but now she says that she does.



So, am I suicidal? I don’t know. I’ll see what the psychologist says tomorrow.

 

[okidoke]

Mate, she's basically given you the green light to dump her a$$ and move on to greener pastures. Think of it as being set free. Go live the best rest of your life you can. I would feel liberated.

 

[user 191131]

Mate, she's basically given you the green light to dump her a$$ and move on to greener pastures. Think of it as being set free. Go live the best rest of your life you can. I would feel liberated.

Yes, I know that it's true. The most difficult part is sorting out the legal matters and then there is the fact that getting to those "greener pastures" requires several very painful steps. I think I'll need to have someone push me along until I get there because right now it seems to me to be a daunting job and I don't know how to do it on my own.

 

[okidoke]

Yes, I know that it's true. The most difficult part is sorting out the legal matters and then there is the fact that getting to those "greener pastures" requires several very painful steps. I think I'll need to have someone push me along until I get there because right now it seems to me to be a daunting job and I don't know how to do it on my own.

just go enjoy some travels and have fun. don't worry about trying to find a long term partner. it might happen organically through your enjoyment of life.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

@Jackie everything you have espoused in this thread, so far as emotions are concerned, is quite normal. Having an extra-marital affair is quite common and normal for anyone in a marriage under particular circumstances: through the range of pathological partners, down to the sweetest, most caring, and most devout of partners (insofar as they may be human, and be married to a completely self-absorbed a-hole who has not dispensed with the requisite affection in very long time). Also, resentments are normal.

Millions upon millions of men and women have and will continue to suffer through the most cruel and unusual of partners, in degrees ranging the entire gamut, from mild to severe. Even the most mild of unresolved miscommunications and imbalances in an otherwise, more or less healthy marriage, can exponentially snowball into depressive resentment fueled ruts.

Yet you come on as if you are somehow innocent in all of this? You decided to marry this woman. And you have not served her divorce papers with supporting evidence of her infidelity.

So, let us dispense with the logic. (As emotion and feeling seem to be a great deal of your distress, and are unhelpful to the situation).

You once loved this person (and perhaps still do). You feel they have betrayed you and wronged you (and by your words they have), and now you feel great animosity towards them. You have also stated that, the offending behavior, as stated by them, will continue. And you have also stated you have acted upon impulse towards improper self-conduct.

So the first order of business, is to correct your conduct, if you can, for your sake. I would suggest moving out, or otherwise disengaging yourself to the best of your ability, especially while you decide upon a course of action.

The second order of business, is not to contact a psychiatrist, but to contact a lawyer, OR, find it in your heart/mind/and soul to resolve to truly realize the depth of your love and commitment to her, to forgive her, to right yourself and your conduct, and to accept a thousand infidelities and a thousand more, if that's what it takes. To go see the psychologist, to move out so you aren't so close to that which wounds you, and to begin the careful work and study of your self, such that your 50% of your agreement can be honored to the best of your ability

 

[TheRealCallie]

very painful steps

Because the steps you're on now are so very relaxing?

I don't know how to do it on my own.

One foot in front of the other. Get your own life, go out and find something for yourself (I don't mean another woman here, but it's your life, do what you want), stop focusing the entirety of your energy on someone who has shown that she doesn't want you and put all that into yourself.

You're scared, I get it, I've been there. What happens next is completely up to you. You can stay where you are and be miserable (seriously, you know you are, we all know you are) or you can attempt to take back your life. No it won't be easy, no it won't be a walk in the park (though perhaps you could actually do that, it might be nice) but neither is what you're doing now. The only difference is that you won't be tied to someone who, by what you have written, has clearly shown she's done. Work with your therapist, not about your marriage, but about YOU. Focus on YOU. Whether you stay with your wife or not, you still need to focus on yourself.

Do you even know who you are anymore? And yes, that's a serious question. You've been tied to your spouse so long, been living with all the marital problems so long, it's very easy to lose yourself. Which is why the thought of being without her is so damn scary. Find yourself and it will be easier on you.

 

[user 191131]

..... not to contact a psychiatrist, but to contact a lawyer, OR, find it in your heart/mind/and soul to resolve to truly realize the depth of your love and commitment to her, to forgive her, to right yourself and your conduct, and to accept a thousand infidelities and a thousand more, if that's what it takes. To go see the psychologist, to move out so you aren't so close to that which wounds you, and to begin the careful work and study of your self, such that your 50% of your agreement can be honored to the best of your ability

Yes, I understand.

 

[user 191131]

... You're scared,

Very much so.

..... You can stay where you are and be miserable (seriously, you know you are, we all know you are) or you can attempt to take back your life.

That is the dilema, yes.

... The only difference is that you won't be tied to someone who, by what you have written, has clearly shown she's done.

True.

Work with your therapist, not about your marriage, but about YOU. Focus on YOU. Whether you stay with your wife or not, you still need to focus on yourself.

Tha makes sense.

Do you even know who you are anymore?

No, I suppose that I do not.

You've been tied to your spouse so long, been living with all the marital problems so long, it's very easy to lose yourself. Which is why the thought of being without her is so **** scary. Find yourself and it will be easier on you.

I understand.