Running out of options

Not posted on here for a while. It just feels a very different place to when I was here years ago and I don’t recognise it much!
Something brings me back now and then. I think it’s because time goes by and nothing changes.
Everyone says bear with it, things will change. Or the worst - try harder. But how can it change if I can’t change? How do you overcome you being the problem? I am stuck in the same patterns and I can’t keep people close because of the way that I am and the things that I do. I’m trying really hard to accept that this is it but I don’t want this. I don’t know how else to change. I’ve tried so many things. Nothing I do changes anything. I’ve hung around here quietly for a bit and tried to connect to people on an individual basis but I can’t. It’s sad times when you’re even lonely on a forum for lonely people!

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Hey, welcome back!

I think we have all either been there or are still there. All you can do, if you really want a different life, is to keep trying and not give up. Fight like hell and just keep trying. Start small, make a little goal you can accomplish and then make another little goal you can accomplish. Work your way up. What's the smallest thing you can do to start you on your way? There has to be something little you can do to make yourself start believing you can make it happen.

Hey! Really good to see a familiar person here, thank you for replying.

I think that’s what brings me back- the fact that there are people here who genuinely feel the same. I don’t know what else to try. I keep failing. Not sure I have it in me to fail again. I can’t blame other people for not staying around as there is a common factor. But I don’t know why I push people away so I don’t know how to stop it!

itsmylife said:

Hey! Really good to see a familiar person here, thank you for replying.

I think that’s what brings me back- the fact that there are people here who genuinely feel the same. I don’t know what else to try. I keep failing. Not sure I have it in me to fail again. I can’t blame other people for not staying around as there is a common factor. But I don’t know why I push people away so I don’t know how to stop it!

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I know it's not the same, but people (myself included, if that means anything) here have always thought pretty highly of you, so take that as a win. Maybe start here, see if you can let someone in online.

As for why you do it, I would guess it's the same for a lot of people. Fear of being hurt, fear of abandonment, or just not feeling like you are worth knowing. Have you tried therapy?

That’s a big win thank you, there’s some amazing people here, you included!

I did try linking with people on here a few times but sadly it never worked out for various reasons and ultimately resulted in me avoiding the website for a while which is a shame.

Yeah you’re right, although the fear and abandonment happens regardless! I genuinely do try to be a good person, I’m just not one of those people that others stick around.

Yeah tried the therapy route a couple of times. It helps a bit but ultimately doesn’t change the outcome unfortunately. If someone could invent magic wands, time machines or genie wishes I’d be grateful!!

Hi. How much therapy? How many different therapists? They vary so much. How much did you change the way you behaved, interacted, developed? If you go back to old patterns, the same results occur. Different types of people in your life can also change you ie army people, art crowd, cults, etc, so finding where you’re most comfortable at and able to grow as a person is massively important and rewarding. There’s obviously a whole bunch of reasons one “fails” (to use your word) to get somewhere and realising what stops you is where the therapy is important. Practicing what you learn is also important and necessary to grow. As Callie said, gotta just kept trying. I could do this more myself, but I sort of choose not to for a few reasons, so I sleep in the bed I make, but if your desire is strong enough, you can get there, at least to some degree that may provide you some satisfaction. Nice to hear from you.

itsmylife said:

I did try linking with people on here a few times but sadly it never worked out for various reasons and ultimately resulted in me avoiding the website for a while which is a shame.

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So try again. There are plenty of good people here and you can always come back to the chat room. I know for myself, it takes a while for me to open up to other people. If they can't or won't handle the wait, I don't feel they really wanted to get to know me in the first place. And let's be honest, if someone can't wait just a little bit for me to be comfortable opening up, do I really want them in my life? Friendship and connection takes time. It's rarely instant. The same is true for you. You just have to find the people who are willing to be patient with you.

itsmylife said:

I’m just not one of those people that others stick around.

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That can't be true. You just haven't found your people yet.

itsmylife said:

Yeah tried the therapy route a couple of times. It helps a bit but ultimately doesn’t change the outcome unfortunately. If someone could invent magic wands, time machines or genie wishes I’d be grateful!!

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If it helps, even just a little bit, why not continue? Unless of course it's expensive where you are and insurance doesn't cover it. It could be that you are self sabotaging to "protect" yourself and maybe if you continue with therapy, it would help you to stop doing that.

itsmylife said:

Running out of options​

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Yes, that's the worst part of it.

Hey @itsmylife - I'm also somewhat of an oldskool returner here, I think I recognise your name and avatar, although not very specifically, it's nice to see you here again

It's difficult for me to comment as a lot of your post is somewhat vague, it lacks some examples and details, and of course that's OK. I think all I can offer is maybe something I have learned over the years.

Whenever I try to address an issue or solve a problem, I usually conclude that it requires balance. You want to change, but it's not realistic for that to happen instantly or perhaps as fast as you would like it to. And if you were to change completely, well, you wouldn't be you any more, and you are wonderful, so we wouldn't want that to happen either.

You have to play the long game and take baby steps, and sometimes celebrate those steps. You may never reach the goal that you're aiming for, but at least you're still aiming for it, and sometimes, the journey is the destination. Aiming for your goal at least gives you the direction and purpose, even if you don't quite get there, that's OK. Just trying your best is enough, and the people that really matter will respect that and recognise you for that.

I hope this helps in some way. If you would like to talk or connect some time, feel free to reach out.
Thomas.

itsmylife said:

Not posted on here for a while. It just feels a very different place to when I was here years ago and I don’t recognise it much!
Something brings me back now and then. I think it’s because time goes by and nothing changes.
Everyone says bear with it, things will change. Or the worst - try harder. But how can it change if I can’t change? How do you overcome you being the problem? I am stuck in the same patterns and I can’t keep people close because of the way that I am and the things that I do. I’m trying really hard to accept that this is it but I don’t want this. I don’t know how else to change. I’ve tried so many things. Nothing I do changes anything. I’ve hung around here quietly for a bit and tried to connect to people on an individual basis but I can’t. It’s sad times when you’re even lonely on a forum for lonely people!

Hope everyone is doing ok.

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I'm going to give you a Christian perspective that you're free to dismiss like most do, but give it a read and consideration if you will.

We all have personality traits and flaws that limit our relationships with others. Some of us try to work on them and improve in life, but it's hard to change. I believe it takes powerful and appropriate influence from others to truly change one's heart and character, and that ultimately does affect the number and type of relationships we have.

Coming from a dysfunctional family, I didn't develop into the kind, loving type of person that naturally bonds with and attracts other people. But where my upbringing failed, I had good influence from a couple of serious girlfriends along the way. No doubt, a kind hearted girl can significantly affect the thinking and behavior of a rude, selfish guy. I give them credit for curtailing my offensive traits and making me a more likable person. But, I needed more to get my life on the right track.

It's taken me decades to really appreciate the truths I learned as a child going to Sunday School - that God created us for a purpose: to know and love him and to learn how to love others. Now as I put God first in my life, I find the Holy Spirit within me slowly but certainly changing my heart and my character. I have a personal, fulfilling, life changing relationship with God that not only helps me understand and face the challenges and problems of this world, but gives me incentive to want to change my character and interaction with others. It's a slow, genuine process that Christians call sanctification, and I believe it's the only way to get one's life on the right track.

YouTube is full of people offering self help advice, but unfortunately the bad outweighs the good. I'd encourage you to watch some testimonies from down and out people that turned their ruined lives around completely after accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior. That's a proven path for peace, hope, and love in our hearts, as well as a conduit for numerous, healthful relationships with others in the church family of God.

Until you've turned your heart over to Jesus, you're not out of options.

Thanks all of you, I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Callie you’re right, therapy helped a little before so that has to be better than nothing. I think it puts me off because it took me so long to find a therapist I was comfortable with and unfortunately she has now changed jobs so it is starting again! But maybe the next person will offer a new perspective. I do have the opportunity for a new course of therapy so I will go for it.

Thomas thanks for your thoughts. I think my life turned out so different to what I expected that sometimes I get stuck in the what could have been rather than what is. I like the idea of small goals.

Sir Joseph - I appreciate your view, I’m glad you have found something that helps you. Thanks for replying.

Okidoke- I have tried many different therapists. Takes me a while to find someone I’m comfortable with. However I was seeing them for specific reasons that are slightly different to where I’m at now so it would be worth trying again. Good to see you again.

I’m in a slightly better headspace at the moment so going to try and put some positive things in place before the rollercoaster dips back down!

Hopefully I’ll stick around here a bit longer too, I forgot how many awesome people there are here!

itsmylife said:

Thanks all of you, I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Callie you’re right, therapy helped a little before so that has to be better than nothing. I think it puts me off because it took me so long to find a therapist I was comfortable with and unfortunately she has now changed jobs so it is starting again! But maybe the next person will offer a new perspective. I do have the opportunity for a new course of therapy so I will go for it.

Thomas thanks for your thoughts. I think my life turned out so different to what I expected that sometimes I get stuck in the what could have been rather than what is. I like the idea of small goals.

Sir Joseph - I appreciate your view, I’m glad you have found something that helps you. Thanks for replying.

Okidoke- I have tried many different therapists. Takes me a while to find someone I’m comfortable with. However I was seeing them for specific reasons that are slightly different to where I’m at now so it would be worth trying again. Good to see you again.

I’m in a slightly better headspace at the moment so going to try and put some positive things in place before the rollercoaster dips back down!

Hopefully I’ll stick around here a bit longer too, I forgot how many awesome people there are here!

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heh

gl @itsmylife

itsmylife said:

Thomas thanks for your thoughts. I think my life turned out so different to what I expected that sometimes I get stuck in the what could have been rather than what is.

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I know this feeling well. The hard thing about it is, 99% of it, it's all our own doing and choices. Tough to admit but it's true