No.. but yes...

This has been killing me from within. Destroying my inner peace.

For most of my life, I have been on the receiving side of rejections. But later on, I was sometimes in a position of choice. I have rejected a few women and it always felt terrible as I have understood the pain of rejection very well. But I haven't felt as bad as I do for this one.

We met for an arranged marriage twice. And after convincing, I managed to meet her for the third time, as a date in a cafe. We both wanted to get to know each other well, as the first meetings are just formal introductions. Her family were immediately ready and were eager to initiate further process but I was extremely undecisive for this one.

The reason being, she came off as mature and responsible. Simple. Straightforward. Chaste. Outgoing towards her passions. And also someone who would integrate very well in the family. But she has a few physical and facial features (can't reveal what exactly) that make her repelling (if I look at it very objectively). This has to be one of the toughest decisions.

Honestly, I do not expect a partner that looks like a model. My preferences are simple: If I don't feel repelled by her looks, I am fine with it.
My family showed indecision at first but now they claim that they were never interested in the first place.

I haven't felt this weak for quite some years. I am not obsessed about her, but I really like her 'nature' and think she would be a supportive and caring partner not just as my wife, but towards my family as well, along with being decently smart. This is super rare!!!
I don't know if I am ever going to get this. What if I rejected a potentially great partner?

I can't say no because she and her family were genuinely and immediately interested. I feel every 'yes' is an offer from God. And rejecting it hurts as much as getting rejected.
This leaves a painful feeling in the gut and I am unsure about how to proceed with this.

Wow. I'm struggling to think of a well thought out response to this. There's so many "but, if, then, else" aspects. I guess I could look at it this way though; if you believe in God and believe it's an offer from Him, then I think you should go ahead with trying to make this the right person for you, look beyond the features that repel you. Would it help to consider how you'd address the issue if you were blind? How would your thoughts differ maybe? There's a lot to think about, but then, some people might say there's little to think about.

Physical attraction vs personality attraction.
Both very important.

I'd argue that physical attraction possibly takes the edge when you're younger and your life priorities are more about personal growth and experiences.
As you get older and as you start prioritising more... future family, stability, life partner, support... then the personality attraction takes the edge.

If you really like her nature and you find her very easy to talk to and laugh with, in all likelihood the physical attraction will come with that a bit later on. It sounds like a great opportunity for you both, if you give it a chance. Maybe try things out for at least a few months before you commit fully.

You ultimately have to go with your gut. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this.

Good luck.
Thomas.

I sort of had a chance a few years ago.

I was at a party and there was a woman there, a friend of a friend, that I'd been talking to, that by the end of the night had asked me out. I didn't turn her down explicitly, but I didn't take her up on it either.

Some might say I was stupid. I don't get chances like this every day.

Some might say she was hot and I was making a big mistake.

But I didn't feel that "personality attraction".
I could talk to her and be friendly, but I didn't feel deeper emotions.
I just didn't feel like she was my "person", my life partner/companion, my one person for the rest of my life.

And I don't use people for sex either.
I figured, I've made it this far in life without doing that, and I think I need to be true to that part of myself.

Nevertheless, I thought it was brave of her to ask, and I felt bad for turning her down.
I just didn't think she was right for me, though.

Regarding the pyhsical/facial features that you find repelling, I wonder if they would become endearing as time passes? Would you find those features less repelling and more appealing as you develop a closer relationship with the person? I do think that with a close emotional connection, certain deficiences in another person can often be easily overlooked or even become attractive.

okidoke said:

Wow. I'm struggling to think of a well thought out response to this. There's so many "but, if, then, else" aspects. I guess I could look at it this way though; if you believe in God and believe it's an offer from Him, then I think you should go ahead with trying to make this the right person for you, look beyond the features that repel you.

Click to expand...

Interestingly, I have only seen the good aspects of her nature, as everyone behaves the best in their "interview". I wish there was much more time to get to know each other. The 'good nature' and potentially compatible partner is my gut feeling, you know. What I know for sure is that her 'friend circle' is her family and its a great indicator of a good upbringing.
Thank you for your response!

Thomas] said:

Physical attraction vs personality attraction.
Both very important.

I'd argue that physical attraction possibly takes the edge when you're younger and your life priorities are more about personal growth and experiences.
As you get older and as you start prioritising more... future family, stability, life partner, support... then the personality attraction takes the edge.

If you really like her nature and you find her very easy to talk to and laugh with, in all likelihood the physical attraction will come with that a bit later on. It sounds like a great opportunity for you both, if you give it a chance. Maybe try things out for at least a few months before you commit fully.

You ultimately have to go with your gut. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this.

Good luck.
Thomas.

Click to expand...

The thing is, it takes a good amount of time to determine compatibility. In this situation, I have talked to her for about 45 minutes in total. I don't know how she is when she turns angry, sad, etc. We haven't shared much laugh, etc. What happened until now was mostly formal meetings. And they can't allow much time because we almost turn into commodities while finding an arranged marriage partner. If we spend too much time getting to know each other and it doesn't work out later on, we both ended up losing a lot of opportunities. And opportunities are rare since our pool is only the caste that we belong to.

ringwood said:

Regarding the pyhsical/facial features that you find repelling, I wonder if they would become endearing as time passes? Would you find those features less repelling and more appealing as you develop a closer relationship with the person? I do think that with a close emotional connection, certain deficiences in another person can often be easily overlooked or even become attractive.

Click to expand...

I could be wrong but male attraction towards a female is not 'evolving' in nature.

Anyways, I certainly do not want an ideal face/physical features. I just don't want to end up with someone who I feel physically repelled by. Anything above that is fine as long as the person has other good traits. I just don't want to end up hating them for who they are. It will be a prison for them as well.
And since I have to live with my parents, if they don't find her good enough, it will create more clashes in the future.

Part of my worry is due to the fear of not finding a good partner after rejecting this person.
And its really painful to reject someone potentially nice just out of my own possible stupidity.

TheSkaFish said:

I sort of had a chance a few years ago.

I was at a party and there was a woman there, a friend of a friend, that I'd been talking to, that by the end of the night had asked me out. I didn't turn her down explicitly, but I didn't take her up on it either.

Some might say I was stupid. I don't get chances like this every day.

Some might say she was hot and I was making a big mistake.

But I didn't feel that "personality attraction".
I could talk to her and be friendly, but I didn't feel deeper emotions.
I just didn't feel like she was my "person", my life partner/companion, my one person for the rest of my life.

And I don't use people for sex either.
I figured, I've made it this far in life without doing that, and I think I need to be true to that part of myself.

Nevertheless, I thought it was brave of her to ask, and I felt bad for turning her down.
I just didn't think she was right for me, though.

Click to expand...

Its great that you had enough 'flexibility' to say no and not worry about it beyond feeling bad.
In my case there's social pressure as well. Don't want to sound misogynistic but these 'ladies' spread the word that the guy keeps rejecting women and influence the meeting with future potential partners by creating our 'image'.
Just yesterday my aunt called me and said, "Look, your age is passing and if you keep rejecting women like this, you will run out of options."
Such gossips add to the pressure.

M_also_lonely said:

Its great that you had enough 'flexibility' to say no and not worry about it beyond feeling bad.
In my case there's social pressure as well. Don't want to sound misogynistic but these 'ladies' spread the word that the guy keeps rejecting women and influence the meeting with future potential partners by creating our 'image'.
Just yesterday my aunt called me and said, "Look, your age is passing and if you keep rejecting women like this, you will run out of options."
Such gossips add to the pressure.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I hear you.
I got the impression that the situation was somewhat different than mine.
Somewhat heavier, more serious, and with cultural implications as well, that we don't really have to worry about in the West.

I just meant that, I related to the part of your story where you took no pleasure in turning the woman down.
I've also been rejected - maybe not a great number of times (because I haven't really tried a great number of times). But each was frustrating, humiliating, painful - made me feel powerless, like a b*tch if you pardon my uncouthness. But the extra venom of the term, accurately describes the mix of hurt, and insult, that it made me feel.

It made me feel more confirmation that I was inherently inferior and that my loser narrative would continue - my personal hell.

So I thought when I had the chance to reject someone myself, I thought I'd get a rush of power, and in a sense reclaim some of my dignity, strike a blow against the world for insulting and humiliating me.

No such thing happened though. Instead I felt like a jerk, even though I didn't even say anything to turn the person down. Instead I respected them for putting themselves out there and felt bad for not being able to accept, and any injury I might have caused. They're not a bad person by any means so I would take no pleasure in causing them pain.

I just don't think they would have been right for me, though, so I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to start something that I didn't feel was right to begin with.

I am probably the worst one to chime in on this, but...

I think it would be extremely difficult if not impossible to stay with someone you do not find physically attractive.
If it were me, I would be constantly looking at other women, being jealous of guys with pretty wives, and unfortunately, I would eventually start taking it out on her. Being sarcastic and curt with her, rolling my eyes, treating her terribly.
And she wouldn't deserve that. No one should be treated in that manner.
And yes, I have seen guys with unattractive wives act this way. Seems rather common to me. They are resentful.

So yeah I think you made the correct decision.