sadmoongaze
Active member
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2020
- Messages
- 34
- Reaction score
- 33
Sorry, I don't come on here often and so I feel awkward making a thread like this.
My life has been very painful. Part of the reason is not being worth love and acceptance because it's all around me but not for me. I try to better myself,like being sober for over six years, but it feels like it's in vain.
There have been times where I have tried to tell someone these things (outside of therapy) and have been told how others have it worse. On a couple of occasions this statement has come from a crisis line "counselor". And you know...I get it. I get that there are people struggling in ways that I am not. But saying that doesn't make me feel better. I feel even worse really.
I also hate the holidays because it just adds to the feelings of being worthless. I don't really like being around family or anyone as I just feel out of place. The only thing to really look forward to is having some time off, or at least I did. I was asked last week if I would be willing to come in the weekend after Thanksgiving as they are doing a special project. I agreed. I figured I will at least have Thursday and Friday off and that is enough. But then yesterday I was asked if I could possibly come in Thursday.
I don't know why I said yes. Maybe it's because I know i won't be doing anything anyway. Maybe I just want to be reliable. But yesterday after work I started having anxiety or something in a crowded store where everyone was either walking like they were taking a stroll in the park, or were in such a hurry that they felt the need to be breathing on my neck( I at one point was between two people like this).
Not only that, but my fear of driving was tested when I found d myself I front of a stalled car at a light on a very busy street at night. It just all reminded me of how tired I am of work as lately we have had to work consecutive weekends due to issues with the machines we use.
I'm sorry as I didn't mean for this to be so long. I guess it would have just been easier to say that I hate life and I hate living, but these are just some of the reasons why I do.
My life has been very painful. Part of the reason is not being worth love and acceptance because it's all around me but not for me. I try to better myself,like being sober for over six years, but it feels like it's in vain.
There have been times where I have tried to tell someone these things (outside of therapy) and have been told how others have it worse. On a couple of occasions this statement has come from a crisis line "counselor". And you know...I get it. I get that there are people struggling in ways that I am not. But saying that doesn't make me feel better. I feel even worse really.
I also hate the holidays because it just adds to the feelings of being worthless. I don't really like being around family or anyone as I just feel out of place. The only thing to really look forward to is having some time off, or at least I did. I was asked last week if I would be willing to come in the weekend after Thanksgiving as they are doing a special project. I agreed. I figured I will at least have Thursday and Friday off and that is enough. But then yesterday I was asked if I could possibly come in Thursday.
I don't know why I said yes. Maybe it's because I know i won't be doing anything anyway. Maybe I just want to be reliable. But yesterday after work I started having anxiety or something in a crowded store where everyone was either walking like they were taking a stroll in the park, or were in such a hurry that they felt the need to be breathing on my neck( I at one point was between two people like this).
Not only that, but my fear of driving was tested when I found d myself I front of a stalled car at a light on a very busy street at night. It just all reminded me of how tired I am of work as lately we have had to work consecutive weekends due to issues with the machines we use.
I'm sorry as I didn't mean for this to be so long. I guess it would have just been easier to say that I hate life and I hate living, but these are just some of the reasons why I do.