General opinion before I waslk away

rememberme · Nov 29, 2024

Hi all,

Just wondering what your opinions of this situation would be. I am a self sabotager in all things and would like to get some honest feedback about what to do, rather than leave my partner.

We have been together for 3 and a bit years, he is 41 and I am 42. He encouraged me to ask him to get engaged and so I did, as I am also one to do anything to make someone happy. (I know, this is all my own fault)

He has spent the year convincing me that he wants me and my children to move in with him by the end of the year. After my failed abusive marriage, I have been worried about it, but I got my hopes up nonetheless.

He also promised to get me a car, he lives 50 miles away from me so I would have needed that. There is now 4 weeks ish to the end of the year. I can see that this really isn't going to happen. He also told me that I am only his girlfriend, not his fiance until we move in together.

So 2 days ago... he insists on picking me up and taking me to his. He has financial worries, but I didn't realise he did not have enough money to fill up his car, which he needs to get to work and pick up his kids... he couldn't even fill up the car to max, but insisted he was going to take me to work 45 miles away in London and come back to his the next day...

So I decided to get up and get the train at 6am the next day instead of letting him use the little petrol he had in his car... and now... I'm getting the silent treatment, no reply to texts or anything....

I don't want to jump the gun, but should I leave him? He's clearly got some issues going on and doesn't want me in his life right now... I think i deserve a man who wants me right?...

How long is too long to wait for a response?

My mind says he's got someone else, which is why he's backed off so much of late... does that sound feasible?

When it's good, it's really good, but i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me...

God I sound needy, please don't destroy me on here, I know how I must sound... I used to have so much self confidence... its now zero...

Thank you for listening, I look forward to all the valuable insights!

okidoke · Nov 29, 2024

I have a simple saying that I try to live by. "When in doubt, don't." If you live by hopes and wishes, you make grave errors in judgement and it only leads to more pain. I understand your need to be wanted, but sometimes it's better to just be on you're own until you build your self reliance and confidence. I have lost count of the amount of times I've given people simple advice, which they then ignored because they thought they could make it work, thought the other person will turn out how they want, thought they could change the other person, thought it won't get worse; but it did.

rememberme · Nov 29, 2024

Yeah... I know you're right deep down... these doubts have been around for a while now, and things are getting worse as I'm starting to fight for my beliefs rather than let them slide... why is it so difficult to walk away... why do I feel like I'll end up being the scary cat lady with wild hair at the end of the road throwing scraps of bread for the birds.... Why am I so afraid of being alone....

147 · Nov 29, 2024

"He encouraged me to ask him to get engaged" "He also told me that I am only his girlfriend, not his fiance until we move in together."
- Weird! I'm not at all against women doing the marriage proposal, but still, traditionally, it's more of a men's role? In which case, it's weird he's actively relying on you to do it, but okay. But now that you're engaged, he insists you're not engaged until you live together?
To me, it feels like he kinda wants it, but not enough to 100% play a part in it. Like he's still keeping part of himself open for something else to come in, but until it does, he's good to go with what you two have going. He just doesn't want to be active about it, because he's kinda "waiting and seeing"? I don't know, just feels weird to me.
Same with the "He has spent the year convincing me that he wants me and my children to move in with him by the end of the year." - I think he's expecting YOU to do all of it (unless you simply haven't mentioned here what steps he's done to get you to move in). He may be unsure of whether you and him are going to be a permanent thing, that's why he's not overextending himself on actually building that future together. It's obvious he's letting YOU take on all the responsibilities. There are people that would be okay with having a passive partner like that, but you don't sound like one of them.

The silent treatment after you took the train so that he wouldn't use his petrol, which he had offered: You've hurt his male ego. That's his business. He needs to man the F up and get over it.

Sounds like a lot of red flags, to be honest, and no one here can tell you to stay or to leave him. You'll have to find that one yourself. If you decide to leave, but are intimidated by the idea, try withdrawing internally in smaller steps. You don't have to make the whole cut at once, but can let him go slowly. I had a friend once who ended up being physically abused by her then-husband, and she was facing having to make that big cut, which scared her. What she did was slowly adopting a mindset internally where she made herself dislike him more and more. Think about annoying habits he has, stuff that frustrates you and pisses you off. Focus so much on the version of him that you don't like that you're literally going to be GLAD to see him gone. If you're glad, you won't be scared, you will be relieved.

And please know that whatever you "believe" is going to happen, or however hard you "believe" it's going to be for you, is literally just mental chatter. A belief is just a thought you've repeated to yourself often enough. I cannot stress that enough. You want to establish new beliefs about yourself, you simply have to start entertaining those new thoughts, and not go back to the old ones. Everything is just YOUR interpretation of it. You assume something is going to be hard, you're going to find it hard. You assume something is going to be easy, you're going to find it easy. It's not so much what happens on the outside as how we choose to perceive it.

rememberme · Nov 29, 2024

147 said:
"He encouraged me to ask him to get engaged" "He also told me that I am only his girlfriend, not his fiance until we move in together."
- Weird! I'm not at all against women doing the marriage proposal, but still, traditionally, it's more of a men's role? In which case, it's weird he's actively relying on you to do it, but okay. But now that you're engaged, he insists you're not engaged until you live together?
To me, it feels like he kinda wants it, but not enough to 100% play a part in it. Like he's still keeping part of himself open for something else to come in, but until it does, he's good to go with what you two have going. He just doesn't want to be active about it, because he's kinda "waiting and seeing"? I don't know, just feels weird to me.
Same with the "He has spent the year convincing me that he wants me and my children to move in with him by the end of the year." - I think he's expecting YOU to do all of it (unless you simply haven't mentioned here what steps he's done to get you to move in). He may be unsure of whether you and him are going to be a permanent thing, that's why he's not overextending himself on actually building that future together. It's obvious he's letting YOU take on all the responsibilities. There are people that would be okay with having a passive partner like that, but you don't sound like one of them.

The silent treatment after you took the train so that he wouldn't use his petrol, which he had offered: You've hurt his male ego. That's his business. He needs to man the F up and get over it.

Sounds like a lot of red flags, to be honest, and no one here can tell you to stay or to leave him. You'll have to find that one yourself. If you decide to leave, but are intimidated by the idea, try withdrawing internally in smaller steps. You don't have to make the whole cut at once, but can let him go slowly. I had a friend once who ended up being physically abused by her then-husband, and she was facing having to make that big cut, which scared her. What she did was slowly adopting a mindset internally where she made herself dislike him more and more. Think about annoying habits he has, stuff that frustrates you and pisses you off. Focus so much on the version of him that you don't like that you're literally going to be GLAD to see him gone. If you're glad, you won't be scared, you will be relieved.

And please know that whatever you "believe" is going to happen, or however hard you "believe" it's going to be for you, is literally just mental chatter. A belief is just a thought you've repeated to yourself often enough. I cannot stress that enough. You want to establish new beliefs about yourself, you simply have to start entertaining those new thoughts, and not go back to the old ones. Everything is just YOUR interpretation of it. You assume something is going to be hard, you're going to find it hard. You assume something is going to be easy, you're going to find it easy. It's not so much what happens on the outside as how we choose to perceive it.

Well said! Wow, thank you! Yes, so many red flags this year. I try to talk to him about it, and he'll be ok for a week or so and back to the same. I think I'll keep the silent treatment from him going; normally I chase him and text him, begging him to text me back, but this time, I need to let happen whatever happens; the longer it goes on, the more I will hate him... I'm such a good person in a relationship; I just don't understand why this happens to me. FFS.

Thank you so much for such an in-depth answer; it has really opened my eyes. I really appreciate it. Really difficult to see what's going on when you're in it. Thank you.

147 · Nov 29, 2024

rememberme said:
Well said! Wow, thank you! Yes, so many red flags this year. I try to talk to him about it, and he'll be ok for a week or so and back to the same. I think I'll keep the silent treatment from him going; normally I chase him and text him, begging him to text me back, but this time, I need to let happen whatever happens; the longer it goes on, the more I will hate him... I'm such a good person in a relationship; I just don't understand why this happens to me. FFS.

Thank you so much for such an in-depth answer; it has really opened my eyes. I really appreciate it. Really difficult to see what's going on when you're in it. Thank you.

I'm relieved you found it helpful! I wasn't sure about it, as I was writing it, lol

A couple more things that stood out to me, and then I'll shut up.
You say you're such a good person in a relationship, and I believe you. But perhaps being a good person doesn't mean catering to somebody's every bad mood?

Second, what you just wrote sounds like he does the silent treatment often, as in his go-to reaction? Please remember that conditioning always works in two directions. You've taught him by now that he can go silent whenever he pleases without facing any consequences (on the contrary, he knows by now that you'll come running after him!). Actually, utilizing silent treatment as a conflict method is a very aggressive and domineering behavior! You are right in saying you will NOT chase and text him this time, and I hope you can stick to it, because he knows he can completely control your emotional response through it, and it has to stop now. And YOU are the one that can stop it. This puts YOU in control

Your first responsibility is always to yourself, no matter what. No matter how many other people are in your life, or what is going on. You are the one you have to live with 24/7 (literally), from day 1 until you move on. So make yourself the priority, and never allow yourself to bend over in a million directions just to please someone else.

rememberme · Nov 29, 2024

147 said:
I'm relieved you found it helpful! I wasn't sure about it, as I was writing it, lol

A couple more things that stood out to me, and then I'll shut up.
You say you're such a good person in a relationship, and I believe you. But perhaps being a good person doesn't mean catering to somebody's every bad mood?

Second, what you just wrote sounds like he does the silent treatment often, as in his go-to reaction? Please remember that conditioning always works in two directions. You've taught him by now that he can go silent whenever he pleases without facing any consequences (on the contrary, he knows by now that you'll come running after him!). Actually, utilizing silent treatment as a conflict method is a very aggressive and domineering behavior! You are right in saying you will NOT chase and text him this time, and I hope you can stick to it, because he knows he can completely control your emotional response through it, and it has to stop now. And YOU are the one that can stop it. This puts YOU in control

Your first responsibility is always to yourself, no matter what. No matter how many other people are in your life, or what is going on. You are the one you have to live with 24/7 (literally), from day 1 until you move on. So make yourself the priority, and never allow yourself to bend over in a million directions just to please someone else.

"A couple more things that stood out to me, and then I'll shut up."

Please don't shut up... I can take criticism... I work in the NHS, LOL. It was his go-to, and then I told him that I don't like it, so he stopped, but apparently, it's back again... You're right, I am my own worst enemy, so terrified of being alone that I'll do what I can to get him back again... but I think my limit has been pushed now... I need to make sure that I do not text him.... though my addictive nature is quite high at the moment!! I think my point was reached when he told me to shut the f up... In my head I wanted to throw him out, my heart didn't want the argument or the consequences. So now, I am doing as he told me to... shut the f up... He can sulk for as long as he wishes. He ruined last Christmas with his working anyway; this one no doubt will be a silent one... But if I keep enabling it, then it will continue...

Honestly, it is so refreshing to listen to your advice. I just hope I'm strong enough to do it... I think so this time... But may be posting on here quite often every time I feel the need to text him! I have never been so weak... It's embarrassing! Thank you!

147 · Nov 29, 2024

Yeah, I read the whole "shut the F up"-thing in the other thread, and it quite startled me!
I myself am deathly afraid of confrontation and have, in the past, allowed people to do things to me that are beyond comprehension; but I understand now that if someone dared talk to me that way, I would really have to do some deep thinking to figure out if I even wanted to stay with them.
(Especially in the context of what you explained, when you asked about your engagement)

Honestly, he does sound like a jerk, and deliberate silent treatment (and cursing out) is abusive behaviour.
You wouldn't, I'm sure, allow absolutely anyone to treat your children that way, and please do treat yourself with the same care and love

rememberme · Nov 29, 2024

He really does sound like a jerk doesn't he... Somehow, saying it out loud has given a lot of clarity! Thank you for being amazing

147 · Nov 29, 2024

rememberme said:
He really does sound like a jerk doesn't he... Somehow, saying it out loud has given a lot of clarity! Thank you for being amazing

And I love the profile pic! Look at how gorgeous you are

(not flirting or anything, but just saying is okay?)

rememberme · Nov 29, 2024

147 said:
And I love the profile pic! Look at how gorgeous you are (not flirting or anything, but just saying is okay?)

Flirt away! It's nice to be noticed for a change!!

Seriously though, thank you... Need to find this version of me again!!

TheRealCallie · Nov 29, 2024

If you don't feel safe, comfortable, cared for, and/or you don't trust him, I think you already have your answer.

Now, it is the holiday season, tensions run higher, people are more stressed...especially if they are having financial problems. So could any of that be impacting his behavior?

Also let me ask you this, how much of your previous abusive relationship are you protecting onto your current relationship? I could be wrong and you might not be doing this, but as someone who was also in an abusive relationship, I think we might all do that. I know I certainly did.

And next we move on to what's keeping you in the relationship. Do you really love him and see a future with him or is the fear of being alone keeping you with him? What do you see 5 years down the road? Do you see yourself in a happy relationship with him or does it cause you to dread the future?

Is it his way all the time or do you guys work on comprising so you are both happy?

Sorry, I like to play devil's advocate with everything, so I bounce around a lot in most of my posts. lol

Oh and if I repeated from anyone else, I also apologize for that. I skimmed the other responses, but I didn't fully read them over, so I might have missed something they said.

rememberme · Nov 30, 2024

Hey!

Thank you so much for your response! I like a devil's advocate, a holistic way of thinking, so thank you!

I think I do already have the answer. I just didn't want it to be the case, because I am totally afraid of being alone.

I think his finance situation is definitely impacting his behaviour, but it would have been something I'd been happier working together on as a partnership.

I think yes, to some extent I am projecting, but I don't think that is the reason why he's being the way he is. Possibly I'm thinking he's treating me this way because he has someone else. And I'd much rather be alone than be the other person.

I did really love him. And really saw a future. But more and more over the last year I've seen that it's not going to happen so I've backed away.

It is usually his way all the time. I just go with the flow, but if I was unhappy about anything then I've started to say.

It's just the silent treatment totally winds me up. Especially when I don't deserve it. It's now day 3... I'm not going to text him today... but how long would you normally leave it? Until he texts you? I feel I am owed some answers. But need to sit on my hands.

TheRealCallie · Nov 30, 2024

rememberme said:
It is usually his way all the time. I just go with the flow, but if I was unhappy about anything then I've started to say.

If that's the case, he sounds pretty controlling and that doesn't tend to get better as the relationship goes on.

rememberme said:
It's just the silent treatment totally winds me up. Especially when I don't deserve it. It's now day 3... I'm not going to text him today... but how long would you normally leave it? Until he texts you? I feel I am owed some answers. But need to sit on my hands.

Have you texted him at all or has he done anything at all in those three days? I would push for those answers, I think. (Though, I'm pretty outspoken) It doesn't matter if you are the one that breaks the silence. It matters what he says. Or you can just tell him flat out that you're done. Stringing it along and waiting is only going to drive you insane wondering.

I would recommend that if you decide to go your separate ways, find yourself. Be alone. Be independent. Be your own person who can face anything and be okay. Life goes much easier when that fear doesn't run your life and your decisions anymore.

rememberme · Nov 30, 2024

Nothing for 3 days...

He's stubborn. I don't know what I would say to start a conversation now to be honest. If he doesn't want to acknowledge my existence then I don't see why I should bother... but then I also don't want to edge this out either...

I think I might go the weekend, I've major revision to do and working too, I need to work on me and not stroking his ego right now... I'm at the angry stage... which is a good thing...

TheRealCallie · Nov 30, 2024

rememberme said:
Nothing for 3 days...

He's stubborn. I don't know what I would say to start a conversation now to be honest. If he doesn't want to acknowledge my existence then I don't see why I should bother... but then I also don't want to edge this out either...

I think I might go the weekend, I've major revision to do and working too, I need to work on me and not stroking his ego right now... I'm at the angry stage... which is a good thing...

Well, you breaking the silence wouldn't be for him. It would be for you to either resolve the matter or get as much closure as you can. It would entirely be so you can decide where you are going and take the steps to get there. It would be entirely for you.

Oh, if you have work issues that need to take priority, definitely do that. Just don't let the angry overpower you. That can be a dangerous road to go down. Again, for you and your mental sanity, not him or anyone else.

Regardless what you decide to do, I wish you luck and hope the outcome turns out well for you. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me, I know a good bit about what you're going through.

ardour · Nov 30, 2024

Think very carefully about any situation you are placing your children in (or near).

rememberme · Nov 30, 2024

Absolutely.... They are close to his children. He is not dangerous, just a prize prk... My pause to leave is how it would affect the family as a whole... But for now, I am not going to jump into any decisions... The kids come first for EVERYTHING!

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