General opinion before I waslk away

[rememberme]

Hi all,

Just wondering what your opinions of this situation would be. I am a self sabotager in all things and would like to get some honest feedback about what to do, rather than leave my partner.

We have been together for 3 and a bit years, he is 41 and I am 42. He encouraged me to ask him to get engaged and so I did, as I am also one to do anything to make someone happy. (I know, this is all my own fault)

He has spent the year convincing me that he wants me and my children to move in with him by the end of the year. After my failed abusive marriage, I have been worried about it, but I got my hopes up nonetheless.

He also promised to get me a car, he lives 50 miles away from me so I would have needed that. There is now 4 weeks ish to the end of the year. I can see that this really isn't going to happen. He also told me that I am only his girlfriend, not his fiance until we move in together.

So 2 days ago... he insists on picking me up and taking me to his. He has financial worries, but I didn't realise he did not have enough money to fill up his car, which he needs to get to work and pick up his kids... he couldn't even fill up the car to max, but insisted he was going to take me to work 45 miles away in London and come back to his the next day...

So I decided to get up and get the train at 6am the next day instead of letting him use the little petrol he had in his car... and now... I'm getting the silent treatment, no reply to texts or anything....

I don't want to jump the gun, but should I leave him? He's clearly got some issues going on and doesn't want me in his life right now... I think i deserve a man who wants me right?...

How long is too long to wait for a response?

My mind says he's got someone else, which is why he's backed off so much of late... does that sound feasible?

When it's good, it's really good, but i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me...

God I sound needy, please don't destroy me on here, I know how I must sound... I used to have so much self confidence... its now zero...

Thank you for listening, I look forward to all the valuable insights!

 

[okidoke]

I have a simple saying that I try to live by. "When in doubt, don't." If you live by hopes and wishes, you make grave errors in judgement and it only leads to more pain. I understand your need to be wanted, but sometimes it's better to just be on you're own until you build your self reliance and confidence. I have lost count of the amount of times I've given people simple advice, which they then ignored because they thought they could make it work, thought the other person will turn out how they want, thought they could change the other person, thought it won't get worse; but it did.

 

[rememberme]

Yeah... I know you're right deep down... these doubts have been around for a while now, and things are getting worse as I'm starting to fight for my beliefs rather than let them slide... why is it so difficult to walk away... why do I feel like I'll end up being the scary cat lady with wild hair at the end of the road throwing scraps of bread for the birds.... Why am I so afraid of being alone....

 

[147]

"He encouraged me to ask him to get engaged" "He also told me that I am only his girlfriend, not his fiance until we move in together."
- Weird! I'm not at all against women doing the marriage proposal, but still, traditionally, it's more of a men's role? In which case, it's weird he's actively relying on you to do it, but okay. But now that you're engaged, he insists you're not engaged until you live together?
To me, it feels like he kinda wants it, but not enough to 100% play a part in it. Like he's still keeping part of himself open for something else to come in, but until it does, he's good to go with what you two have going. He just doesn't want to be active about it, because he's kinda "waiting and seeing"? I don't know, just feels weird to me.
Same with the "He has spent the year convincing me that he wants me and my children to move in with him by the end of the year." - I think he's expecting YOU to do all of it (unless you simply haven't mentioned here what steps he's done to get you to move in). He may be unsure of whether you and him are going to be a permanent thing, that's why he's not overextending himself on actually building that future together. It's obvious he's letting YOU take on all the responsibilities. There are people that would be okay with having a passive partner like that, but you don't sound like one of them.

The silent treatment after you took the train so that he wouldn't use his petrol, which he had offered: You've hurt his male ego. That's his business. He needs to man the F up and get over it.


Sounds like a lot of red flags, to be honest, and no one here can tell you to stay or to leave him. You'll have to find that one yourself. If you decide to leave, but are intimidated by the idea, try withdrawing internally in smaller steps. You don't have to make the whole cut at once, but can let him go slowly. I had a friend once who ended up being physically abused by her then-husband, and she was facing having to make that big cut, which scared her. What she did was slowly adopting a mindset internally where she made herself dislike him more and more. Think about annoying habits he has, stuff that frustrates you and pisses you off. Focus so much on the version of him that you don't like that you're literally going to be GLAD to see him gone. If you're glad, you won't be scared, you will be relieved.

And please know that whatever you "believe" is going to happen, or however hard you "believe" it's going to be for you, is literally just mental chatter. A belief is just a thought you've repeated to yourself often enough. I cannot stress that enough. You want to establish new beliefs about yourself, you simply have to start entertaining those new thoughts, and not go back to the old ones. Everything is just YOUR interpretation of it. You assume something is going to be hard, you're going to find it hard. You assume something is going to be easy, you're going to find it easy. It's not so much what happens on the outside as how we choose to perceive it.

 

[rememberme]

"He encouraged me to ask him to get engaged" "He also told me that I am only his girlfriend, not his fiance until we move in together."
- Weird! I'm not at all against women doing the marriage proposal, but still, traditionally, it's more of a men's role? In which case, it's weird he's actively relying on you to do it, but okay. But now that you're engaged, he insists you're not engaged until you live together?
To me, it feels like he kinda wants it, but not enough to 100% play a part in it. Like he's still keeping part of himself open for something else to come in, but until it does, he's good to go with what you two have going. He just doesn't want to be active about it, because he's kinda "waiting and seeing"? I don't know, just feels weird to me.
Same with the "He has spent the year convincing me that he wants me and my children to move in with him by the end of the year." - I think he's expecting YOU to do all of it (unless you simply haven't mentioned here what steps he's done to get you to move in). He may be unsure of whether you and him are going to be a permanent thing, that's why he's not overextending himself on actually building that future together. It's obvious he's letting YOU take on all the responsibilities. There are people that would be okay with having a passive partner like that, but you don't sound like one of them.

The silent treatment after you took the train so that he wouldn't use his petrol, which he had offered: You've hurt his male ego. That's his business. He needs to man the F up and get over it.


Sounds like a lot of red flags, to be honest, and no one here can tell you to stay or to leave him. You'll have to find that one yourself. If you decide to leave, but are intimidated by the idea, try withdrawing internally in smaller steps. You don't have to make the whole cut at once, but can let him go slowly. I had a friend once who ended up being physically abused by her then-husband, and she was facing having to make that big cut, which scared her. What she did was slowly adopting a mindset internally where she made herself dislike him more and more. Think about annoying habits he has, stuff that frustrates you and pisses you off. Focus so much on the version of him that you don't like that you're literally going to be GLAD to see him gone. If you're glad, you won't be scared, you will be relieved.

And please know that whatever you "believe" is going to happen, or however hard you "believe" it's going to be for you, is literally just mental chatter. A belief is just a thought you've repeated to yourself often enough. I cannot stress that enough. You want to establish new beliefs about yourself, you simply have to start entertaining those new thoughts, and not go back to the old ones. Everything is just YOUR interpretation of it. You assume something is going to be hard, you're going to find it hard. You assume something is going to be easy, you're going to find it easy. It's not so much what happens on the outside as how we choose to perceive it.

Well said! Wow, thank you! Yes, so many red flags this year. I try to talk to him about it, and he'll be ok for a week or so and back to the same. I think I'll keep the silent treatment from him going; normally I chase him and text him, begging him to text me back, but this time, I need to let happen whatever happens; the longer it goes on, the more I will hate him... I'm such a good person in a relationship; I just don't understand why this happens to me. FFS.

Thank you so much for such an in-depth answer; it has really opened my eyes. I really appreciate it. Really difficult to see what's going on when you're in it. Thank you.