Is it bad to be good?

Hey everyone,

I just want to ask, it is undesirable to be good/polite/nice?

I am asking since I remember talking about this with my therapist. She said, and I quote "Being good is boring".

Now, don't get me wrong, I know it is undesirable to be good all the time since that is odd and might seem dishonest. Some level of mischievousness is healthy in a relationship. But to go after people because they are "bad" is just a recipe for disaster in my opinion. I should mention that I have seen this pattern of behaviour before. With a friend who was attracted to how "Intense" her boyfriend was. He then started physically abusing her after a period of verbal and emotional abuse. Even my own therapist who said those words to me. She fell in love with her first husband because he was a "bad boy" and, you guessed it, he started to beat her and even almost killed her one day.

Now I know this sounds like I am asking the age old question "why do girls love bad boys who treat them like crap?" But the same applies to men too. I have a friend who liked a girl because she was "fiesty" and, yes, she turned out to be toxic and abusive and even cheated on him.

This phenomenon doesn't just apply to romantic relationships too. If someone is rude but funny to some people for example, he will be respected more by his peers. While someone who is nice will be viewed as weak. I don't know about the female experience in this kind of situation so I would appreciate any stories.

I am speaking from experience in this part btw. I always try my best to be nice to people and I remember one time in my boxing days, I went three rounds with this guy and beat him soundly. At the locker room later that day, he said "What the hell man? I thought you were a sissy".

Anyway, if anyone wants to throw their two cents in here, that would be appreciated. I mainly wanted to put my thoughts out there.

Take it easy everyone.

Sunless Sky said:

I just want to ask, it is undesirable to be good/polite/nice?

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IMO no it is not.
But unfortunately those of us on this earth who are inclined to be this way are deemed undesirable.
We just are.
Can you "fake it" and be a "jerk" to get love and respect?
I cannot.
I can only be what I can be.
And I accept my fate.
No matter how lonely and unwanted it makes me.

There's nothing wrong with being nice and polite. The world could use more of it.
There needs to be a balance. No one is all good or all bad. There has to be some kind of excitement. I'm not saying it has to be over the top excitement, but there has to be something to draw a person in. "Bad" boys(or girls) have that in spades. They also have the confidence that a lot of "nice" guys do not.

Now's here's the real problem with both types of person. With the "bad" boys, it's really arrogance that's often mistaken for confidence. Because of all the excitement, red flags are missed. But they don't take "no" for an answer. They keep at it. (Now I'm talking strictly getting the date, here, nothing else)
Whereas with the "nice" guys, while shyness can be endearing, if you aren't up to the challenge of facing rejection, if you aren't up to fighting for what you want.....You have to put the effort into it. We have to see that you really do want us. We have to have something that will draw us into your orbit.

Sunless Sky said:

I remember one time in my boxing days, I went three rounds with this guy and beat him soundly.

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This right here could be your balance. Maybe play it up. Why don't you box anymore?


Now, for the abusive ones (there are also abusive "Nice" guys, btw) Some people like to blame the person in the abusive relationship...."you could have left him" etc etc etc.....but it's not that simple. The person draws them in. They play the game to perfection to get the girl. Just like Unsigned is telling you to be pretend to be a "jerk" (I don't recommend that, btw), the jerks also pretend to be the "nice" guy. We are a conquest to them, they fight for us. The obvious abuse doesn't start until later, because we have to be hooked before or we would all just leave right
away.


Now I'm going to add a disclaimer. All "bad" boys aren't bad and not all "nice" guys are nice.

Sunless Sky said:

If someone is rude but funny to some people for example, he will be respected more by his peers.

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It's not respect...it's "entertainment" That's the drawing in part of the equation.

Unsigned said:

But unfortunately those of us on this earth who are inclined to be this way are deemed undesirable.

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That's not exactly true. I'm that way and I would not be deemed "undesirable."

But I can also be a bitch when I have to be. Like I said, there needs to be a balance.

TheRealCallie said:

This right here could be your balance. Maybe play it up. Why don't you box anymore?

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I used to get into street fights on most days of the week back in high-school, so combat sports were a natural transition. It's true, when I mention this to girls, they do get interested. Except that one girl who got scared. I don't like to advertise it though, unless it comes up in conversation.

Anyway, I took a break from boxing to try out other martial arts like wingchun, krav maga, wrestling, and most recently BJJ. I want to get back into boxing yeah but damn lessons are expensive here. I sometimes work the bag and do drills at the gym though.

TheRealCallie said:

That's not exactly true. I'm that way and I would not be deemed "undesirable."

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I know you won't like this opinion, but I believe it is different for women.
The "nice guys finish last" mantra seems to be the consensus in this world, and those who "finish last" are considered to be "losers".

Sunless Sky said:

Anyway, I took a break from boxing to try out other martial arts like wingchun, krav maga, wrestling, and most recently BJJ. I want to get back into boxing yeah but damn lessons are expensive here. I sometimes work the bag and do drills at the gym though.

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I'm going off topic... Is there a chance you could teach a boxing class once or twice a week?

If you can balance being good/polite/nice with assertiveness then, yea, they are desirable traits. If you can't then, nah!, you're bloody well f*cked!

Abstamyous said:

I'm going off topic... Is there a chance you could teach a boxing class once or twice a week?

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I used to coach actually. Not much, just teaching newbies the basics.

I am not advanced enough to teach anything beyond the basics. Besides, I am pretty busy with work. I used to teach some friends too. Not for money, just for fun.

I don't feel it's bad to be good in other relationships (friendship, for example, where it usually is valued), but it doesn't seem to work well with attracting mates. Or maybe I'm fishing in the wrong ponds.

Give you our two cents you say…

Well first, the fact that a therapist told you that is a good reminder that even therapists are human. They have their own opinions and operate according to them sometimes. Sometimes it shows clearly what unresolved issues they themselves got. This can be a reason why you might wanna stop and change the therapist. It’s even weird to me that she shared something of her own life to a patient. Doesn’t sound professional to me.
I’m not suggesting you should change the therapist, but honestly to me that feels like she has some kind of issue similar to what you’re describing. And it in no way means that she’s right just because she’s a therapist. I disagree so much with that statement because even biologically we are wired to look for a person who is safe and capable. The rest is traumatic response and she should know that.

I can agree that people like those that push boundaries sometimes because they’re more… interesting types and maybe someone they wanna be themselves. I remember in school how teachers liked the loudest students who weren’t very keen on studies and caused trouble in class. I found they liked them more than the good students because even though they were difficult to handle, it would make their day more eventful. Tbh that’s so stupid to me but I guess it’s normal for others.

I personally am a goodie two shoes person and I prefer order and I prefer following rules that keep the peace. I prefer respect, I prefer safety and quiet. Nothing too eventful. Yes, a lot of people have found me boring and I’ve learned to be okay with that since I realised I wouldnt be able to handle their behaviour at all if we happened to be friends or in any other kind of relationship.

I believe such people that think good is boring either wanna have a very interesting story to tell one day or just have some kind of unresolved issue that keeps affecting their life choices. They just don’t know better.