PaperDuck87
Well-known member
Note: This is something I wrote last December from depression on FB. Of course some friends gave me advice and others were pretty damn critical about it. This is Part 1 of my story...please share your thoughts and opinion. I thought I'd share this so you would know a little more about me and my life a little.
_____________________________________________________________
My Story
I've been stressed out for the past couple of years and recently I've never been this super stressed out since last year around this time. However, its gotten worst.
Last Year...
I met her.
A girl I was in love with.
Her name was...I'll call her Angelica Smith.
We first talked on a dating website. I won't say the name of the site, but I'm sure there are some folks on here who knows it.
We talked for a while. Then we decided to meet. We met, went out, and had a blast. We then let each other know we liked one another. Day after day we would talk on the phone as if we were teenagers who were in love for the first time. We then planned to spend New Years at her college apartment. Once again I'm not going to list the details on her fully.
She came back to my house, spent the week and then we left to spend New Years in her town. I spent almost a week there. She was such an amazing girl to be around. She was very beautiful, had beautiful long black hair, brown sad eyes, and smooth Carmel skin. She loved being with me but I noticed she didn't smile alot. Then after New Years we still kept talking but she was acting strange. Whenever I would compliment her she was always negative about it. For example, if I told her she was beautiful she would deny it. Hell, whenever I tried to tell a joke..lame and cheesy jokes but enough to smile...the wrinkle on her mouth never folded to form that smile. She always looked like she was in thought and sad. Deep down I think she was somehow cold and alone. But how could she be if I was there to talk to her and give her my opinion?
February came around. I wanted to plan out a decent Valentines Day for her. I went all out. Scheduled a few days off work. Bought a bus ticket, a giant bear w/ a heart and a big box of her favorite chocolate candy. So I told her before hand about me wanting to see her again. She accepted. A few days later we talked on the phone but we had an argument about something she didnt agree with me about. I cannot remember to this day. I however remember us arguing before that about me not being able to afford to buy Victoria's Secret stuff for her. It made me a bit ticked and I wanted to talk to her about it but I let it go. I'm the type of person to let things go if it doesn't bother me as much. It was just a sting in my opinion. Maybe she was challenging me to do it. Who knows? But anyway, she told me to call her back within 5 mins. Plus, her and I needed to talk because what she said to me pissed me off and she needed to know. I needed to discuss this with her, but I needed to be careful on how I discussed this. So I wrote down how I felt and then waited to call her back. 5 mins was up. So I called and the phone was busy. So I gave her 10 mins. Nothing. 30 mins. Nothing. So I call again. Busy signal. I was like "What the hell?" So I gave her 10 more mins. Nothing. So finally I call again. Busy. Call. Busy. Call. Busy. Call. Busy. This was a big mistake. Finally, she answers on what is probably the 16th call back. "WHAT THE **** IS YOUR PROBLEM!? IF YOU CALLED ME AND SEE THAT THE PHONE IS BUSY YOU SHOULD KNOW I'LL CALL YOU BACK! I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH MY ******* MOTHER, TELLING HER ABOUT THE UPCOMING SURGERY IN MY BACK! DON'T YOU ******* DO THAT AGAIN!" she yelled. I mean this shocked me. Hearing her super pissed off like this for the first time. I mean I always knew she had a sharp tongue but damn she almost broke my cellphone with her yelling like this. I tried to calm her down and apologize. However,I knew that I needed to talk to her about her sharp tongue as of late, especially with how she just talked to me. So I was silent and waited for the right moment and read the note to her. I currently don't have the note anymore so this is only from memory:
Dear Angelica,
I care about you alot. You know I do. But theres something I need to talk to you about. Please forgive me if this seems really rude
Lately, you've been really cold towards me. Whenever I want to share how I feel to you [like complimenting you or doing something for you] you just nod and pretend like it's nothing. You don't even laugh at my jokes even if it is cheesy just to be nice. Then just the other day we had a talk about something and you got into a big argument with me and it happened again today. I don't appreciate how you are treating me. All I ever ask is that you just show me you care. I just want you to love me. That's all I ever asked.
There was other stuff but I cannot remember the rest at the moment.
She was quiet.
Then she asked me how long have I felt this way. I told her not too long. She just recently started acting like this.
"well it must have been a while cuz im now hearing about this!" she said. My stomach sank because I knew she was pissed. But was I wrong? She then started going off at me in the phone saying what I said was total ******** and even if that was the case I should have said something sooner. Which is true but the first time I let it go. It was all out of anger which I was wrong to do it from the source of but she needed to know how I felt. So now was better than never. Then she said: "You know what. I don't want to talk to you. Don't call me. Don't even bother coming here! I won't pick you up!" then she hung up.
A few days later, 3 days before that Sunday/Valentines Day I called her. We talked and I tried to fight to get her back, but she stated that I pushed her back into a position all her exes had her in for 3 years. She said that all of her exes were verbally abusive and one was physically abusive. She had to go see a shrink and even that didn't help. She explained that she didn't want to be with me anymore and that there was no hope. I ****** it up. I told her that wasn't fair. She didn't even give me a chance. "I'm sorry but thats just how I am" she said.
We didn't talk for a while. I deleted her from my friends list on facebook and she sent me a message saying:
February 14 at 10:50am
Guess you deleted me as friend...could you send me my books please..my address is XXXX XXX Street Apt. CXXX XXXX, FL 32XXX...Thanks
My response was:
February 14 at 3:35pm
Yes, I deleted you as friend. 1. Because you're not forgiving and won't let things go and 2. I tried pleading and reasoning and whenever I spoke you tend to jump to conclusions and wouldn't try to be a little understanding. Yeah, I did say I want to be your friend but then it dawned on me; How could we be friends if you don't trust me? Thats being fake. You're only friends with people you can trust or know you can eventually trust and let's not ******** you already said you cannot trust me anymore. So why try? Why start over? Oh, right no sense starting over like you said. Also, I'd rather be honest and tell the truth than lie or cheat and seemingly you cannot handle the truth when someone tells you it. Seriously, you should be mad at yourself...not blaming me for what I said and not because I supposedly "hurt" you. You're hurt and angry at yourself because the truth stings and you know what needs to be done. You're 21 years old Angelica nobody should have to tell you this, you didn't think it hurt me when thinking about telling you this? It did. It might not matter now but one of these days you'll see what I'm talking about. If you don't care then you definitely have something that needs to be focused and worked on and get mad all you want..seriously. Right now I don't care anymore...I just don't give a flying ****. I'm moving on with my life and learned a lot from this and I hope you should do the same. But know this: If you don't wake up and see what I'm telling you, you will end up alone. If it sounds cruel I'm sorry but its the truth. So deal with it. When you really care about someone sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. What i told you was an example of that. All I can say now is I did love you at one time but you're just too stubborn to realize the fact. Wake...up..Angelica Smith.
Btw, I'll send your books when I get the chance.
I wont call YOU, message YOU, I wont ever speak to YOU again. YOU got what YOU wanted. Have a nice life and take GOOD CARE of YOURSELF.
She had let me borrow her Twilight books to read. I wasn't a fan but I wanted to be closer to her in every way possible. I mean don't get me wrong, those books are good but it's the films I don't like. Anywho, so I didn't talk to her for a week. Then I got a text message. Can you guess who? Yep, you guessed it. Her. She messaged me because she was in the hospital. She said that shes sorry if I'm bothering her and that if I could send her, her books. I told her I didn't think she was bothering me. I was done talking to her and everything. The texts went back and forth til we got to what might be a resolution. We talked everything over and agreed to discuss our problems openly. I thought we were back together, but I was definitely wrong.
At the time something bothered me. Something she had said. I questioned her about it since we did have the agreement. Then, her tone changed from a sweet but painful voice to a cracked, angry, enraged of a voice. She was back in that angered state, before I knew it we WERE through.
I blocked her from facebook and AIM officially. Stayed off her radar and never called her ever again.
After that whole incident I stopped dating and visiting dating websites altogether. I kept to myself. Blaming myself. Hurting myself.
Then my best friend Seth woke me up. He explained to me that she didn't know what she wanted and that while I'm hurting myself spiritually she's probably out having the time of her life. I needed to move on with my life and that when I'm ready to date to forget about her. He was right but after her it was hard to trust any woman. Sometimes it still is. Lately, I've been trying to meet girls and go out on dates but I don't have any luck. Some have turned me down for stupid reasons and reasons I don't know about. Some have led me on and just simply wanted to be my friend.
I wrote this story because this was the kind of **** I had to deal with. I gave myself time to regain my confidence, my grace, my strength. I became happy to live again, but that trust is still taking its time to be worked on. Sometimes though, I do get depressed and tend to take it out on those who don't help me resolve my problem. I'm not depressed because of Angelica. I just want to be given a chance. I'm a lovable person, but sometimes I get the feeling nobody wants to be around me. Maybe its just the stress, maybe it's just the people themselves. I dunno. But whatever the future has in store for me I hope it gets here sooner. I hope she finds me or I find her.
To be continued.....?
_____________________________________________________________
My Story
I've been stressed out for the past couple of years and recently I've never been this super stressed out since last year around this time. However, its gotten worst.
Last Year...
I met her.
A girl I was in love with.
Her name was...I'll call her Angelica Smith.
We first talked on a dating website. I won't say the name of the site, but I'm sure there are some folks on here who knows it.
We talked for a while. Then we decided to meet. We met, went out, and had a blast. We then let each other know we liked one another. Day after day we would talk on the phone as if we were teenagers who were in love for the first time. We then planned to spend New Years at her college apartment. Once again I'm not going to list the details on her fully.
She came back to my house, spent the week and then we left to spend New Years in her town. I spent almost a week there. She was such an amazing girl to be around. She was very beautiful, had beautiful long black hair, brown sad eyes, and smooth Carmel skin. She loved being with me but I noticed she didn't smile alot. Then after New Years we still kept talking but she was acting strange. Whenever I would compliment her she was always negative about it. For example, if I told her she was beautiful she would deny it. Hell, whenever I tried to tell a joke..lame and cheesy jokes but enough to smile...the wrinkle on her mouth never folded to form that smile. She always looked like she was in thought and sad. Deep down I think she was somehow cold and alone. But how could she be if I was there to talk to her and give her my opinion?
February came around. I wanted to plan out a decent Valentines Day for her. I went all out. Scheduled a few days off work. Bought a bus ticket, a giant bear w/ a heart and a big box of her favorite chocolate candy. So I told her before hand about me wanting to see her again. She accepted. A few days later we talked on the phone but we had an argument about something she didnt agree with me about. I cannot remember to this day. I however remember us arguing before that about me not being able to afford to buy Victoria's Secret stuff for her. It made me a bit ticked and I wanted to talk to her about it but I let it go. I'm the type of person to let things go if it doesn't bother me as much. It was just a sting in my opinion. Maybe she was challenging me to do it. Who knows? But anyway, she told me to call her back within 5 mins. Plus, her and I needed to talk because what she said to me pissed me off and she needed to know. I needed to discuss this with her, but I needed to be careful on how I discussed this. So I wrote down how I felt and then waited to call her back. 5 mins was up. So I called and the phone was busy. So I gave her 10 mins. Nothing. 30 mins. Nothing. So I call again. Busy signal. I was like "What the hell?" So I gave her 10 more mins. Nothing. So finally I call again. Busy. Call. Busy. Call. Busy. Call. Busy. This was a big mistake. Finally, she answers on what is probably the 16th call back. "WHAT THE **** IS YOUR PROBLEM!? IF YOU CALLED ME AND SEE THAT THE PHONE IS BUSY YOU SHOULD KNOW I'LL CALL YOU BACK! I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH MY ******* MOTHER, TELLING HER ABOUT THE UPCOMING SURGERY IN MY BACK! DON'T YOU ******* DO THAT AGAIN!" she yelled. I mean this shocked me. Hearing her super pissed off like this for the first time. I mean I always knew she had a sharp tongue but damn she almost broke my cellphone with her yelling like this. I tried to calm her down and apologize. However,I knew that I needed to talk to her about her sharp tongue as of late, especially with how she just talked to me. So I was silent and waited for the right moment and read the note to her. I currently don't have the note anymore so this is only from memory:
Dear Angelica,
I care about you alot. You know I do. But theres something I need to talk to you about. Please forgive me if this seems really rude
Lately, you've been really cold towards me. Whenever I want to share how I feel to you [like complimenting you or doing something for you] you just nod and pretend like it's nothing. You don't even laugh at my jokes even if it is cheesy just to be nice. Then just the other day we had a talk about something and you got into a big argument with me and it happened again today. I don't appreciate how you are treating me. All I ever ask is that you just show me you care. I just want you to love me. That's all I ever asked.
There was other stuff but I cannot remember the rest at the moment.
She was quiet.
Then she asked me how long have I felt this way. I told her not too long. She just recently started acting like this.
"well it must have been a while cuz im now hearing about this!" she said. My stomach sank because I knew she was pissed. But was I wrong? She then started going off at me in the phone saying what I said was total ******** and even if that was the case I should have said something sooner. Which is true but the first time I let it go. It was all out of anger which I was wrong to do it from the source of but she needed to know how I felt. So now was better than never. Then she said: "You know what. I don't want to talk to you. Don't call me. Don't even bother coming here! I won't pick you up!" then she hung up.
A few days later, 3 days before that Sunday/Valentines Day I called her. We talked and I tried to fight to get her back, but she stated that I pushed her back into a position all her exes had her in for 3 years. She said that all of her exes were verbally abusive and one was physically abusive. She had to go see a shrink and even that didn't help. She explained that she didn't want to be with me anymore and that there was no hope. I ****** it up. I told her that wasn't fair. She didn't even give me a chance. "I'm sorry but thats just how I am" she said.
We didn't talk for a while. I deleted her from my friends list on facebook and she sent me a message saying:
February 14 at 10:50am
Guess you deleted me as friend...could you send me my books please..my address is XXXX XXX Street Apt. CXXX XXXX, FL 32XXX...Thanks
My response was:
February 14 at 3:35pm
Yes, I deleted you as friend. 1. Because you're not forgiving and won't let things go and 2. I tried pleading and reasoning and whenever I spoke you tend to jump to conclusions and wouldn't try to be a little understanding. Yeah, I did say I want to be your friend but then it dawned on me; How could we be friends if you don't trust me? Thats being fake. You're only friends with people you can trust or know you can eventually trust and let's not ******** you already said you cannot trust me anymore. So why try? Why start over? Oh, right no sense starting over like you said. Also, I'd rather be honest and tell the truth than lie or cheat and seemingly you cannot handle the truth when someone tells you it. Seriously, you should be mad at yourself...not blaming me for what I said and not because I supposedly "hurt" you. You're hurt and angry at yourself because the truth stings and you know what needs to be done. You're 21 years old Angelica nobody should have to tell you this, you didn't think it hurt me when thinking about telling you this? It did. It might not matter now but one of these days you'll see what I'm talking about. If you don't care then you definitely have something that needs to be focused and worked on and get mad all you want..seriously. Right now I don't care anymore...I just don't give a flying ****. I'm moving on with my life and learned a lot from this and I hope you should do the same. But know this: If you don't wake up and see what I'm telling you, you will end up alone. If it sounds cruel I'm sorry but its the truth. So deal with it. When you really care about someone sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. What i told you was an example of that. All I can say now is I did love you at one time but you're just too stubborn to realize the fact. Wake...up..Angelica Smith.
Btw, I'll send your books when I get the chance.
I wont call YOU, message YOU, I wont ever speak to YOU again. YOU got what YOU wanted. Have a nice life and take GOOD CARE of YOURSELF.
She had let me borrow her Twilight books to read. I wasn't a fan but I wanted to be closer to her in every way possible. I mean don't get me wrong, those books are good but it's the films I don't like. Anywho, so I didn't talk to her for a week. Then I got a text message. Can you guess who? Yep, you guessed it. Her. She messaged me because she was in the hospital. She said that shes sorry if I'm bothering her and that if I could send her, her books. I told her I didn't think she was bothering me. I was done talking to her and everything. The texts went back and forth til we got to what might be a resolution. We talked everything over and agreed to discuss our problems openly. I thought we were back together, but I was definitely wrong.
At the time something bothered me. Something she had said. I questioned her about it since we did have the agreement. Then, her tone changed from a sweet but painful voice to a cracked, angry, enraged of a voice. She was back in that angered state, before I knew it we WERE through.
I blocked her from facebook and AIM officially. Stayed off her radar and never called her ever again.
After that whole incident I stopped dating and visiting dating websites altogether. I kept to myself. Blaming myself. Hurting myself.
Then my best friend Seth woke me up. He explained to me that she didn't know what she wanted and that while I'm hurting myself spiritually she's probably out having the time of her life. I needed to move on with my life and that when I'm ready to date to forget about her. He was right but after her it was hard to trust any woman. Sometimes it still is. Lately, I've been trying to meet girls and go out on dates but I don't have any luck. Some have turned me down for stupid reasons and reasons I don't know about. Some have led me on and just simply wanted to be my friend.
I wrote this story because this was the kind of **** I had to deal with. I gave myself time to regain my confidence, my grace, my strength. I became happy to live again, but that trust is still taking its time to be worked on. Sometimes though, I do get depressed and tend to take it out on those who don't help me resolve my problem. I'm not depressed because of Angelica. I just want to be given a chance. I'm a lovable person, but sometimes I get the feeling nobody wants to be around me. Maybe its just the stress, maybe it's just the people themselves. I dunno. But whatever the future has in store for me I hope it gets here sooner. I hope she finds me or I find her.
To be continued.....?
