Does anyone else find it hard when people say this?

I really hope to meet someone to settle down with and to share life with. Having someone there to love and care for and to be loved and cared for would make a big difference. Without love and closeness life is lonely. It hurts, however, when certain people in my life have said to me that I don't need a close and loving relationship to be happy and fulfilled, especially as the people who say this to me are either 1. in a close and loving relationship themselves, or 2. the sort of people who can find a relationship easily, or 3. happy to be alone and independent. It feels as though they are putting me down for feeling the way I do, and that they are not really seeing just how alone I feel. Does anyone else find it hard when people say this sort of thing to them?

People who say that are probably just saying that because they don't know what else to say. I've never had someone say "you don't need a girlfriend to be happy" and I've never said that to someone either...because it's stupid and wrong. If someone says that to you and they just broke up with someone themselves or something then it's understandable. But if someone says that to you...look them dead in the eye...i think you'll be able to tell that they don't actually believe that.

the world is full of liars.

don't feel bad though.

most of those people are lying to themselves as well.

we are a plastic, emotionally-stunted, and spiritually-devoid culture.

people fill the emptiness that should be filled with love, now using food, drugs, sex, toys, money, power, blackberries.

no one gives a damn anymore.

but this isn't out of some sort of resolve, that would at least be admirable albeit twisted.

nope, instead, it's out of apathy and distraction.

people are "distracting" their lives away now...from cradle to grave.

oops, gotta run, my dvr needs reprogramming.

blackhole said:

we are a plastic, emotionally-stunted, and spiritually-devoid culture...
oops, gotta run, my dvr needs reprogramming.

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I've referred to my DVR as my "boyfriend". I see it every day and it's always there for me, giving me what I want.

Teresa

lmao

grainofrice24 said:

People who say that are probably just saying that because they don't know what else to say. I've never had someone say "you don't need a girlfriend to be happy" and I've never said that to someone either...because it's stupid and wrong. If someone says that to you and they just broke up with someone themselves or something then it's understandable. But if someone says that to you...look them dead in the eye...i think you'll be able to tell that they don't actually believe that.

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Wow, you've NEVER had people say that to you? I wanna be where you are.

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Tiina63 said:

Without love and closeness life is lonely.

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I know. I feel that way too. Thanks for sharing this.

Tiina63 said:

It hurts, however, when certain people in my life have said to me that I don't need a close and loving relationship to be happy and fulfilled, especially as the people who say this to me are either 1. in a close and loving relationship themselves, or 2. the sort of people who can find a relationship easily, or 3. happy to be alone and independent. It feels as though they are putting me down for feeling the way I do, and that they are not really seeing just how alone I feel. Does anyone else find it hard when people say this sort of thing to them?

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YES! I feel that people like that are sometimes in denial or they don't want to help you or don't want it to be a problem for them.


I have heard it from people who are either:

1. happily married - and it's just so full of **** because they don't understand (especially those who married early - like in college or right after college)

2. divorced AND married again - great, seems like they never were really alone in their lives..always having one relationships to another.

3. successful career minded singles - they replace their love life with work and think they can 'buy' happiness by going for exclusive travels, dining, etc.

4. bitter singles - they don't believe in love anymore and want you to do the same

5. philosophical people who's into Zen/Buddhism/selfhelp and the whole 'independent/I love myself and only myself" movement - they all believe in this "I don't need anyone in my life to be complete"

Tiina63 said:

I really hope to meet someone to settle down with and to share life with. Having someone there to love and care for and to be loved and cared for would make a big difference. Without love and closeness life is lonely. It hurts, however, when certain people in my life have said to me that I don't need a close and loving relationship to be happy and fulfilled

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It's a stupid answer, especially when the people giving it are usually in a totally different situation. Yep.

blackhole said:

the world is full of liars.

don't feel bad though.

most of those people are lying to themselves as well.

we are a plastic, emotionally-stunted, and spiritually-devoid culture.

people fill the emptiness that should be filled with love, now using food, drugs, sex, toys, money, power, blackberries.

no one gives a damn anymore.

but this isn't out of some sort of resolve, that would at least be admirable albeit twisted.

nope, instead, it's out of apathy and distraction.

people are "distracting" their lives away now...from cradle to grave.

oops, gotta run, my dvr needs reprogramming.

Click to expand...

Awesome post man. Yep. Society is getting more and more capitalist, and people are getting more and more into quick fixes and self gratification. There are some other webpages where people talk about the breakdown of the family and changes in culture such as greed or excessive levels of "independence." I don't like these vapid ideas. Even people who are more down to earth may not be compatible with you or ruled out for other reasons.

don't confuse capitalism with lack of character.

those two don't necessarily go hand-in-hand.

i've seen some commies of less than stellar moral fiber.

what's wrong with our country isn't capitalism,

it's a misapplication of capitalism and regulation of it by people who have no morals or decency or allegiance to their country or their people.

capitalism just means i can do what i want and earn what i want and do it how i want. that is just another word for "freedom".

it's the people who are being allowed to abuse it:

- outsourcing
- insourcing
- supporting slave labor
- union busting
- government in bed with business

you think if government WAS big business, it would be any better?

the two are already too close to begin with, imagine if they were unified... *shudders*

cool_breeze said:

Awesome post man. Yep. Society is getting more and more capitalist, and people are getting more and more into quick fixes and self gratification. There are some other webpages where people talk about the breakdown of the family and changes in culture such as greed or excessive levels of "independence." I don't like these vapid ideas. Even people who are more down to earth may not be compatible with you or ruled out for other reasons.

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Hmm do you think there should be a balance? Or which end is extreme? Coz these people are saying that we're too needy for wanting love or wanting to be in relationships.

beans said:

Hmm do you think there should be a balance? Or which end is extreme? Coz these people are saying that we're too needy for wanting love or wanting to be in relationships.

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The answer is, you shouldn't be needy but you can still be in a relationship or want to be in a relationship. There's a natural instinct for love and sex and companionship. Some people get lucky and find the right person for them (and it works out). Some people just have a series of "hookups." Of course it's natural to want love. You can be "complete" with yourself and that's great but it only goes so far...

Each person is unique. I've approached the ability to replace relationships with work before; I think that passion is the most important part, whether it be for a person, a cause or for a profession.

blackhole said:

don't confuse capitalism with lack of character.

those two don't necessarily go hand-in-hand.

i've seen some commies of less than stellar moral fiber.

what's wrong with our country isn't capitalism,

it's a misapplication of capitalism and regulation of it by people who have no morals or decency or allegiance to their country or their people.

capitalism just means i can do what i want and earn what i want and do it how i want. that is just another word for "freedom".

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I don't know about "our" country. As far as I know this board is international. It's an international problem though. Look at the financial crisis, recession, problems in Europe, America, other countries.

Anyway that's a part of what the problem is I think. I liked your first post better. "people fill the emptiness that should be filled with love, now using food, drugs, sex, toys, money, power, blackberries." That's essentially the problem. You can argue that feminism is part of the problem too I think. In the 1950s women didn't have a lot of rights and it was stupid. But now I think it's gone too far the other way. Many women act like they simply don't need men. Of course there are still relationships and families but it seems to be less and less. But I think this is the best sentence in this whole thread:

"people fill the emptiness that should be filled with love, now using food, drugs, sex, toys, money, power, blackberries."

Why do people do that?

lol, i said "our" country, because i'm from the usa and am a typical american *******.

the problems...in europe...and america,

have NOT been brought on by capitalism,

but rather by a drastic slide toward big government socialism.

it started under bush. he ran up like 10 trillion in debt...

now, obama is outspending him 4 to 1.

I'm perpetually on the fence about whether I want to be in a relationship or not. I've been single for 4 years now, mostly because it's nearly impossible to juggle meeting the needs of a young child and starting a new relationship. I tried online dating for awhile but stopped after I realized I felt oddly liberated and unencumbered when I thought about not dating. So now it's just me, my kiddo, local family members, friends and work. That's enough to keep me happy for now. But I wouldn't tell another person who wants to meet someone special that they should just be happy on their own. It's not right to put your own particular brand of happiness onto someone else.

Teresa

No, I have never placed MY worth and happiness in the hands of someone else. If anyone feels like their whole happiness is based on being with someone or not, they have some serious co-dependent issues. People will ALWAYS let you down in the end, if you cant be happy on your own, you wont find real happiness in a relationship, and when the relationship ends, where will you be mentally then? Its just a super dangerous way to live, depending on others to bring you happiness.

Edited to say that rereading this now I need to say I have learned to not put my worth and happiness in the hands of someone else. I have felt that way in the past, I just NEVER do it now lol.

Tiina63 said:

I really hope to meet someone to settle down with and to share life with. Having someone there to love and care for and to be loved and cared for would make a big difference. Without love and closeness life is lonely. It hurts, however, when certain people in my life have said to me that I don't need a close and loving relationship to be happy and fulfilled, especially as the people who say this to me are either 1. in a close and loving relationship themselves, or 2. the sort of people who can find a relationship easily, or 3. happy to be alone and independent. It feels as though they are putting me down for feeling the way I do, and that they are not really seeing just how alone I feel. Does anyone else find it hard when people say this sort of thing to them?

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I dont really discuss these types of things with my friends but my friends are all in a relationship or they are the type that can easily get into one... literally 99% of my friends are in a relationship or have been in multiple relationships in their lives. It makes you feel so incredibly lonely when you are the only one in your social group who has no one and has never had someone, walking home alone after gatherings, going out in town, party's and such.

Questions like the one you mentioned when coming from people in relationships are just being hypocritical. It really is subjective to the person when it comes to relationships. I would find it a bit annoying if someone said something to me like what you mentioned, personally I disagree with it because I am the kind of person who longs for a relationship. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic so I am not content with being single and most probably never will be. This has nothing to do with co-dependency though but has everything to do with having someone close that you can share things with and talk to about things on a deeper level.

Yes...I fine it so..so irratating.
Cuz I get conflicting informations...

In many..many self help or healthy
livng books...itll say share your
life with family and freinds.
Family and friends are important.

It basic humans needs.
To love and be loved...

If I read other literature ..itll say
I should be able to be happy wheather i have friends N family or not..Happiness is an inside job and all that good ****....

At a personal level or experince..
Im much happier if Im around family and friends....I dont have to work
on that inside job as much...
Im able to love and be loved naturally.

Unfortunately...some of my friends and family are unhealthy or I grew up in a dysfunctional enviorment.
Everything is twisted and upside down....some family members break me or abuse me.

My perception of life is like looking through a fractured window..Love and pain is tangled up.

anyway...Ive been in relationship or with various women all my life...
Strange as it may be...
I wish to only have partner throughout my life.

---

Yeap.... I can attend any of the As support groups...

AA NA , Alanon. Coda ACOA..

alcoholism and codepency

Being an adult child of an alcholic...
I get in relationship with women that
has substance or alcholism....over and over again. It even states this in ACOA literature
and thats pretty much had been the story of my life.

Its a family disease...

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Im on a mission the save my daughters life and Renaes life....

Dont know if Im acting out on my codependcy or whatever...

I feel if I dont do this I wont be able to live with myself and I certainly dont wanna check the **** out or get loaded.

Theyre my family. I love them both more than anything in the world.

Personaly I can live without but I sure as hell don't like it matter of the fact I think it sucks to live without love or friendship, but thats how things are right now until I can pull myself together. My father told me the better I am the better My cherished one will be.

Honestly if someone say's I don't need a close and loving relationship to be happy and fulfilled
I probably wouldn't give a damn

ShybutHi said:

Tiina63 said:

I really hope to meet someone to settle down with and to share life with. Having someone there to love and care for and to be loved and cared for would make a big difference. Without love and closeness life is lonely. It hurts, however, when certain people in my life have said to me that I don't need a close and loving relationship to be happy and fulfilled, especially as the people who say this to me are either 1. in a close and loving relationship themselves, or 2. the sort of people who can find a relationship easily, or 3. happy to be alone and independent. It feels as though they are putting me down for feeling the way I do, and that they are not really seeing just how alone I feel. Does anyone else find it hard when people say this sort of thing to them?

Click to expand...

I dont really discuss these types of things with my friends but my friends are all in a relationship or they are the type that can easily get into one... literally 99% of my friends are in a relationship or have been in multiple relationships in their lives. It makes you feel so incredibly lonely when you are the only one in your social group who has no one and has never had someone, walking home alone after gatherings, going out in town, party's and such.

Questions like the one you mentioned when coming from people in relationships are just being hypocritical. It really is subjective to the person when it comes to relationships. I would find it a bit annoying if someone said something to me like what you mentioned, personally I disagree with it because I am the kind of person who longs for a relationship. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic so I am not content with being single and most probably never will be. This has nothing to do with co-dependency though but has everything to do with having someone close that you can share things with and talk to about things on a deeper level.

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What can I say here? That pretty much describes me and how I feel to a tee.

You two sound lovely I sincerely hope your luck changes soon x

septicemia said:

No, I have never placed MY worth and happiness in the hands of someone else. If anyone feels like their whole happiness is based on being with someone or not, they have some serious co-dependent issues. People will ALWAYS let you down in the end, if you cant be happy on your own, you wont find real happiness in a relationship, and when the relationship ends, where will you be mentally then? Its just a super dangerous way to live, depending on others to bring you happiness.

Edited to say that rereading this now I need to say I have learned to not put my worth and happiness in the hands of someone else. I have felt that way in the past, I just NEVER do it now lol.

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^basically my opinion, except I dont think people will always let you down. But I do strongly agree that you shouldn't be dependent on other people for your happiness, of course it helps, but you can't count on anyone 100% except yourself (and for the most part family as well).