Saying NO to loneliness! My Journal

Why am I starting a journal?
It’s time to face my fears.

I’m not satisfied with my dating life or my social life. For a long time I've tried passively learning the skills I believed would improve those areas of my life. But there's only so much you can learn from sitting behind your computer reading dating websites, watching pickup videos on youtube or reading self help books.

The only way I can make the progression I want is by putting myself out there, taking the responsibility, embracing the challenges and uncomfortable situations. I've decided it's time to commit to taking consistent action instead of succumbing to my irrational fears and excuses that have held me back for so long.

I need to step out of my comfort zone and start taking risks. From this point forward I will throw myself into social situations I would normally avoid, approach lots of girls, learn from my mistakes and try to have fun in the process.

The biggest challenge will be getting started and committing to this. I hope this journal will help keep me accountable and be a way to measure my growth. Maybe it will also inspire others on here to take the action required to improve areas of their life they aren't satisfied with.

What will I write about?
I'll try to update this journal at least once a week with stories about approaching girls, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and meeting new people. I'll write about both my successes and failures. I'll also include observations and lessons I think could help other people on here.

Who should read my journal?
I welcome anyone to read my journal and I'm open to feedback, criticism and questions from anyone. Any guys on here who want to meet more girls, will hopefully be able to learn something from this journal. I see a lot of guys on here who aren't sure how to approach or aren't sure if girls even want to be approached, this journal should help answer those questions.

People should remember that I'm a 21 year old who has only ever had one girlfriend (not for very long), had social skills of a duck (my social skills still aren't great), doesn't have many close friends, has always been shy around most people and has always lacked self esteem.

If I can push through this and improve this area of my life, anyone on here can.

“There are two types of pain you will go through in life, the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. Discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tonnes.” - Jim Rohn

This is a great idea. I think you are brave and I wish you luck.
You already know I'll be reading this thread

Time to use your journal as a lesson on life. Best of luck and teach me so I may emulate.

This sounds like a brilliant idea! Good luck!! I'll be checking back for more updates.

Thanks for the support guys! Means a lot. First entry should be up tomorrow.

Nice going. I think everyone knows that the biggest thing stopping people from just going up and talking to someone is fear. The 3rd night was easier than the 1st right? I look forward to seeing how this ends up.

I'm glad you're doing this. And I believe it will helps others who read your journal as well. =)
Good luck with your journal! ~hugs~

Thanks Wallflowergirl! Really appreciate the support

Great night out

It’s been a fairly quiet week so far, I haven’t been doing anything interesting until last night.

So my friend and I decided we should go out and (try to) hit on girls on a Thursday night. The first pub we go into, we spot these two girls sitting together at a table. We both go over there and start talking to them and we all hit it off really well.

We stay at that pub talking to these girls for about 30 minutes, we get to know them, do shots with them and everything goes well. I was in a social mood and wasn’t having any trouble talking to them and keeping the conversation going, which is something I usually struggle a lot with.

We all decide to go to this nightclub down the road which is popular on Thursdays. When we get there, I wanted to see if I could get anywhere with one of the two girls. She was stunning, easily one of the most attractive girls in the club that night and she was really cool too.

We go over to the dancefloor, where she tells me she has a boyfriend. ****. I tell her she should introduce me to all her cute friends. She says she will be my wing lady and help me pick up girls. Awesome, I’ve always wanted this to happen.

My new wing lady finds a group of four girls and starts talking to them. I go over and introduce myself. I talk to all of the girls in the group and there was one who I connected well with. We chat for a while then she says they’re going upstairs and I should come with them. She grabs my hand and we go to the upstairs area.

I talk and dance with her for a while but I felt like she was losing interest. I know I could have pushed it further with this girl and afterwards I sort of wished I did. But I was also talking to another girl from their group who was showing a lot more signs of interest.

I drag this girl away from the rest of the group. At this point I was in the perfect state. All the right words were coming out of my mouth, I was having fun, I wasn’t overthinking everything like I usually do and this girl loved it. If I could be like this with every girl I met, I would be golden. We makeout and exchange phone numbers. Soon her friends dragged her away so I went back to find my friend and wing lady.

A bit later that girl texted me asking where I was. We met again on the dance floor. We flirted and made out again for a while, then she went back to her friends again.

My buddy had taken off somewhere with wing lady’s friend so I mostly hung out with wing lady for the rest of the night so she wouldn’t be alone. I talked to about another four or five groups of girls during the night, with some assistance from my wing lady. It was actually fairly easy to go up and talk to these girls because I was in such a good, social mood. It helps having an extremely attractive girl with you too, so you don’t look like that creepy guy by himself hitting on all the girls.

So overall this was a great night. Nights like this are rare for me but hopefully they will become more common soon. I talked to lots of new people during the night, both guys and girls and I had a couple of great interactions. It’s so much easier to be social and talk to girls when you get in the right state.

Now I just need to find a way to get into that state more often in social situations. Alcohol maybe? Those shots at the start of the night probably helped but I think the main thing is talking to people right from the start of the night and not taking myself too seriously.

Bars and nightclubs the only place to go to meet them... I suppose means, I won't meet them!

But anyway, good job, it takes a lot of guts to try these things

Hey Batman, thanks for reading this

I prefer going to bars and nightclubs to meet girls just because it's more inside my comfort zone. But that doesn't mean they are the only places to meet girls. I've heard of guys having a lot of success approaching girls during the days on the street or in shops. It takes more balls to approach during the day I suppose but I think with a bit of practice it would be a great way to get a lot of numbers and set up dates. Girls tend to be friendlier during the day too and there's not as many distractions as at bars and nightclubs.

Good night or bad night?

I’m not sure what to make of last night. There were definitely a few positives to take out of the night but I felt like I didn’t do as much as I could have. Especially after the other night, it was a bit of a let down.

I go into town to meet up with my buddy from the other night and a few other friends. When I first got there I was really awkward. I was trying too hard to fit in.

My friend and I went to another club. We talk to a few people in the line up and I start loosening up and becoming a lot less awkward. We don’t stay long because it’s so loud and near impossible to talk to people.

As we’re walking to another place, I spot two cute girls walking up ahead of us. I chase after them and say hello. Both girls responded well, it was fun. (See you don’t need to go into bars and nightclubs to meet girls, you can do it on the street) Unfortunately they were both going off to a party outside of town. I’m going to try approaching more girls on the street when I go out at night, there’s no loud music to compete with and it’s fun.

At the next place we went to, my friend went over to talk to a group of 6 girls. I joined him and started talking to one of the girls who was a really attractive blonde. We had a good conversation, she was very friendly. Then their other friends came over and wanted the seat I had sat in so I left. I should have found a way to keep talking to the blonde girl instead of leaving.

There was another girl I saw a bit later, she was dancing with her friends. She was cute. I see her and we make good eye contact but I walk past her. A few minutes later I see her again. We make great eye contact again and she looks at her friend and giggles. I walk past her again. I am such an *****! If I’m going to change my life for the better I have to take advantage of opportunities like this.

I saw an old friend I hadn’t seen for ages. We had a good conversation, was good to catch up with him again.

I was about to go home and as I’m walking back to my car I spot this girl I know. She’s a friend of a friend of mine and we’ve met a few times before. There was another night, where we almost shared an intimate moment together but I was too stupid to make it happen. I talk to her, she seemed happy to see me but she was just leaving. This really sucks!

So I don’t know if this was a good night or not. I talked to quite a few people, had some good interactions but there were a lot of missed opportunities. What if I’d talked to that girl I had the good eye contact with? What if I’d kept talking to that blonde girl? What if I’d asked one of those girls I chased after for her number? I can’t keep going home with so many ‘what ifs.’

Hey bender. I think it's a nice idea for this thread.

I know what you mean with the "what ifs". I am always doing that. I guess the next time you getthe oppprtunity, you go for it?

Thanks for reading ladyforsaken! I always value your feedback

With just under a month left in 2013, I've been thinking about what I want to get out of the remainder of this year. I really want to go into the new year with a lot of momentum.

The big thing I want to do is continue taking action. I'm the one who needs to make things happen. The past few weeks have been good, I've started to take control but I still need to do a lot more if I'm going to improve.

I want to get a date before the end of the year. It's been a long time since I've been on a date, it's a bit depressing to think about. Lately I've been making all my goals action based (eg. spend 45 minutes reading everyday, talk to four people when I go out, etc) so I have complete control over them. This is going against that but I'm confident that if I take enough action when I go out, I should be able to get a date.

Focus on building momentum when I go out. My best nights out are always when I talk to a lot of people, which helps get me into a good, social state and gets me outside of my head. It doesn't matter if it's friends, random guys, random girls, bartenders or bouncers, as long as I'm talking to people.

I'm also going to see if I can find a part time job in a pub around here. I've worked in a few bars in the past and it can be a great opportunity to talk to new people. Any chance to work on my social skills will help me.

Another thing is, I'm so glad I started this journal. It's a great way to collect my thoughts, analyse what I'm doing well and keep me focused on the journey. If anyone else on here is wanting to make a serious change in their life, whether it be making more friends, meeting women, building your career, I'd definitely recommend starting a journal like this. I'd love to see other journals like this either this year or in the new year.

It's also kinda cool that you have this journal and it's open for comments (I suppose?) and others can interact with you about your journal writings, maybe even give you new ideas or suggestions. It does help and perhaps it doesn't feel like you're all alone in this. Also, I think some can learn from what you're going through, so it's nice to read.

I really like how motivated you are, I think a positive mindset, motivation and belief that good things will come out of your actions really do get you somewhere. You know I'm always wishing you the best of luck, bender.

Going out alone sucks

I wanted to go out this weekend and practice a few things but I didn’t know of any friends going out so I went out alone Friday and Saturday night. It sucked. My plan was to talk to girls on the streets but almost every time I saw an opportunity my mind came up with a million excuses and told me not to do it.

In previous journal entries I’ve talked about getting into a good, social state. When I get into this social state it’s 100 times easier to talk to people and approach girls. But when I’m out alone, it’s near impossible to get into that state. You need friends around who you can have fun with to get into it. You can see the difference just by reading my journal entries from nights I’ve been out alone compared to nights out with friends.

So I’m going to forget about going out alone for a while. It’s just too hard to have fun and I don’t remember anything very interesting ever happening on a night I’ve been out alone. Maybe later when I've built up more confidence, I'll try solo nights again. Instead of going out alone, I’m going to look for more opportunities during the day to work on my social skills and talk to girls. I think shopping malls are a good opportunity because you can at least talk to people working in stores, there’s always plenty of cute girls around (and they’re usually friendlier than the girls out in town at night), it’s more normal to be there alone and I don’t think it’s so important to be in that social state.

Next time I’m out at night with friends and having fun, I need to absolutely make the most of it. If I want to create positive changes, I simply cannot afford to waste opportunities like that.

In short, I need to step it up! More action is needed!!

Learning to talk to girls during the day

I had two goals today - get my Christmas shopping done and practice approaching as many girls as I could during the day. Even if it’s just going up and asking a girl for the time, I just want to get used to going up and talking to random girls. I’ve always been afraid to approach girls during the day. This is something I want to overcome.

I caught the tram into town to do my Christmas shopping. There was a girl sitting near me on the tram. Now usually when I go out with the intention of talking to girls, when I see that first opportunity I think to myself well I’ve only just got here, I’m not ready yet. This is a lame excuse and it gets you into a habit of making more excuses later. So this time, I made sure I spoke to her. I only asked for the time and told her how my phone sucks and doesn’t tell me the correct time but the important thing is I took action.

Throughout the day I talked to maybe 7-9 girls, I was just asking them for the time or directions, I didn’t have any real conversations but I’m just trying to make my brain realise it’s not so scary going up and talking to random girls. I had a couple of good conversations with girls working in retail stores, which can actually be a great way to practice your conversational skills. I’d recommend this for shyer guys. The girls in these stores are paid to be nice to you so you don’t have to worry about rejection or anything and they’re usually pretty easy to talk to.

When I was waiting for the tram to go back I noticed a really attractive girl standing near me. I stood there for about 3 or 4 minutes wondering if I should talk to her or not. Eventually I manned up and struck up a conversation with her. We talked for a few minutes and then continued talking for a while on the tram. Our conversation was nothing groundbreaking but I don’t think it’s necessary to say anything special during the daytime, as long as you’re confident, which I was.

If I hadn’t spoken to that last girl on the tram, I would’ve gone home feeling really disappointed with myself for not pushing myself harder. But I was glad that I at least struck up one decent conversation. If I were to have one or two conversations like that everyday, there is no doubt I would improve in leaps and bounds.

Key lesson to take away from the day

Lately I’ve been thinking you have to be direct when you approach a girl during the day eg. ‘hey I thought you were cute and I wanted to talk to you.’ While I think this probably is the best strategy if you’re trying to get her number, today made me realise that it may not be the best approach for someone like me who’s new to this and is trying to gain confidence. You can easily start up a good conversation with an indirect opener like ‘hey do you know where …… is?’ This takes a lot of pressure of you and still allows you to work on your conversational skills, as long as you continue the conversation after she responds to your initial question. This is exactly what I did with the girl on the tram, I just started with something indirect and took it from there. I wouldn’t recommend doing this forever and I probably wouldn’t do it often if you’re going out at night but if you’re just trying to build up confidence and practice your conversational skills, I think this is a good way to go about it.

^That's awesome, bender. (Especially talking to that girl on the tram)

This thread really is great. You're doing what a lot of guys want to do but don't have your the courage to. Breaking out of the shell and starting conversations is so scary but you're doing it. Congrats on all the progress.

bender22 said:

I had a couple of good conversations with girls working in retail stores, which can actually be a great way to practice your conversational skills. I’d recommend this for shyer guys. The girls in these stores are paid to be nice to you so you don’t have to worry about rejection or anything and they’re usually pretty easy to talk to.

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I'd have to say this is probably true.

I've sometimes thought about using the ol' "what time are you getting off work?" line with such an individual, just to see what would happen, but I don't have the balls to do it. I suppose that would even make me appear creepy, esp. given the obvious lack of confidence!

Whatever is required in body language and face to convey confidence, I don't have it and probably never will. I'm not sure if it is even possible to "act it" if you don't have it innately.