TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
Intrusive morbid thoughts are unwanted thoughts that constantly pop up in someone's mind, of a morbid subject like harm or death of the self, loved ones, or anyone. I've been getting them a lot lately.
I remember getting intrusive thoughts as a kid, but they were mild compared to the ones I have now. This is going to sound utterly ridiculous but it all really happened and when these thoughts trap me, they feel so real.
For example, when i was a kid, whenever i heard or thought about the Middle East or Islam or terrorists, i had this thought that i couldn't play for the whole day or else something terrible would happen (by the way, this was a good 5 years before 9/11, so it wasn't caused by that particular event). I was not meaning to be racist, but in my 10 year old mind, i guess the appearance of people and culture so different than what i was used to scared me, especially when its only representatives in my life were terrorists on tv. it was an almost automatic reaction that froze me stiff.
i also remember feeling like i had to walk carefully around certain shapes or cracks i saw on floors or the sidewalk - in this scenario, something about it made me think that if i didn't avoid these shapes, the devil would kill me by causing a freak accident to happen. i know this started when i heard about a devil movie. i didnt even watch it, i just heard about it. but i guess somehow i thought it was really going to happen.
Eventually, these things went away on their own. One day i stopped thinking about or caring about them, and the thoughts went away. i wasnt planning to stop or fighting the thoughts, they just stopped by themselves. Looking back, those thoughts seem ridiculous and i dont know how i ever believed them.
But now they are back again, and feel more intense and morbid than ever before. I feel a little voice in my mind that wishes incredibly horrible things on those i love, not only those i love but those who have never been anything but sweet and good to me. i dont understand why. it happens usually when i am trying to finish something or make a permanent change to something, so i get this feeling to do whatever it is over again, without the horrible "wish" in my head, so that i'm not reminded of it every time i see the thing i changed. i know these "wishes" aren't my true feelings, because i know i want those i love to stay alive and i love having them in my life and i know i'd really miss them if they were gone, i know i'd feel a sense of emptiness where they used to be and i'd wish they could come back again.
In fact, what i do wish is for these stupid morbid thoughts to go away and never come back! i hate them. sometimes i'm able to concentrate really hard and make the thoughts go away but they always come back. Like i said, when i used to have those thoughts before, they eventually went away on their own. but this time im having a hard time getting rid of them.
I know this sounds laughable and stupid but it really bothers me. Does anyone have any ideas on why this is happening or how i can make these morbid thoughts go away?
I remember getting intrusive thoughts as a kid, but they were mild compared to the ones I have now. This is going to sound utterly ridiculous but it all really happened and when these thoughts trap me, they feel so real.
For example, when i was a kid, whenever i heard or thought about the Middle East or Islam or terrorists, i had this thought that i couldn't play for the whole day or else something terrible would happen (by the way, this was a good 5 years before 9/11, so it wasn't caused by that particular event). I was not meaning to be racist, but in my 10 year old mind, i guess the appearance of people and culture so different than what i was used to scared me, especially when its only representatives in my life were terrorists on tv. it was an almost automatic reaction that froze me stiff.
i also remember feeling like i had to walk carefully around certain shapes or cracks i saw on floors or the sidewalk - in this scenario, something about it made me think that if i didn't avoid these shapes, the devil would kill me by causing a freak accident to happen. i know this started when i heard about a devil movie. i didnt even watch it, i just heard about it. but i guess somehow i thought it was really going to happen.
Eventually, these things went away on their own. One day i stopped thinking about or caring about them, and the thoughts went away. i wasnt planning to stop or fighting the thoughts, they just stopped by themselves. Looking back, those thoughts seem ridiculous and i dont know how i ever believed them.
But now they are back again, and feel more intense and morbid than ever before. I feel a little voice in my mind that wishes incredibly horrible things on those i love, not only those i love but those who have never been anything but sweet and good to me. i dont understand why. it happens usually when i am trying to finish something or make a permanent change to something, so i get this feeling to do whatever it is over again, without the horrible "wish" in my head, so that i'm not reminded of it every time i see the thing i changed. i know these "wishes" aren't my true feelings, because i know i want those i love to stay alive and i love having them in my life and i know i'd really miss them if they were gone, i know i'd feel a sense of emptiness where they used to be and i'd wish they could come back again.
In fact, what i do wish is for these stupid morbid thoughts to go away and never come back! i hate them. sometimes i'm able to concentrate really hard and make the thoughts go away but they always come back. Like i said, when i used to have those thoughts before, they eventually went away on their own. but this time im having a hard time getting rid of them.
I know this sounds laughable and stupid but it really bothers me. Does anyone have any ideas on why this is happening or how i can make these morbid thoughts go away?
I don't allow too many into my personal space and don't like people using my things and not putting them back where they got them. I consider myself very fortunate that those are the only ones that lingered.
