I can't find people

One time (I don't remember where) someone asked in a forum where to meet people. The question was marked as ridiculous, but it made sense to me.

"of course you can meet people in bars and clubs"

But what if I don't want to meet people who go to bars and clubs?
I don't want to look for people in restaurants or the mall, I don't want to look for people in concerts. I don't care for people who go out just because. People who go out where everyone goes out. I don't want to find people who does the exact same thing that everyone else.

I can't find people that ask questions, people who break the mold. I can't find people with unique opinions. I can't find people that know things no one else knows. I don't know where to find people that don't think about money, or celebrities. People who aren't thinking which brand is better or what cell phone takes the best selfies.
I feel I'm going mad, looking for ghosts of ideas that never existed. Looking for an spiritual "resistance" hiding from the noise. I can't find people that make me want to be better; to learn more, to give more.
I don't want small talk, I don't care how's the weather or what do you do for a living. I don't want to hear about cars or fashion. I don't care what team is doing well this season or for what candidate are you voting. I don't care how your kids are getting good grades or what diet are you taking, what shows are you watching or what band is releasing a new record.

I can't find people who look from outside... and beyond. People who make me feel sane. Maybe they don't exist. Or maybe they are also looking...

Xpendable said:

...I feel I'm going mad, looking for ghosts of ideas that never existed.

Click to expand...

Bingo.

You're holding everyday interactions to an impossible standard. Ironically you want to meet people who "break the mold", yet you want them to fit into some whimsical, oversimplified, imaginary mold of your own, and they never will. Most real people aren't so two dimensional and vulnerable as to present their uniqueness to you on a silver platter. You have to dig. Just because someone goes out to clubs, thinks about money and has a celebrity crush doesn't mean they can't also know things you don't know or offer a rare perspective you might enjoy.

Small talk serves a very important purpose in that it lets people "try each other on." A brief exchange of eye contact and meaningless patter is a stepping stone to better things. Small talk facilitates the process of establishing trust. Once the trust is there, then you can start to find out who they really are and vice versa. Unfortunately, some individuals are content to exist solely on the plain of everyday minutia. The trick is that you occasionally have to put yourself out on a limb to find out who's more like you. Simply stated: no guts no glory.

Have you ever tried meetup.com?

Bob Arctor said:

You're holding everyday interactions to an impossible standard.

Click to expand...

Not everyday. People are more that their interactions. Just one person in my life time would be enough.

Bob Arctor said:

Ironically you want to meet people who "break the mold", yet you want them to fit into some whimsical, oversimplified, imaginary mold of your own, and they never will.

Click to expand...

Quite the opposite. I want to be challenged, to doubt my own ideas. To be unaware of what I may find, and maybe even scared of the information I don't possess. I don't look for anything specific. I guess I'll know when I found it.

Bob Arctor said:

Most real people aren't so two dimensional and vulnerable as to present their uniqueness to you on a silver platter. You have to dig.

Click to expand...

If they resists to dig themselves, I can't force them.

Bob Arctor said:

Just because someone goes out to clubs, thinks about money and has a celebrity crush doesn't mean they can't also know things you don't know or offer a rare perspective you might enjoy.

Click to expand...

Maybe. Never happened to me or anyone I know.

Bob Arctor said:

Small talk serves a very important purpose in that it lets people "try each other on." A brief exchange of eye contact and meaningless patter is a stepping stone to better things. Small talk facilitates the process of establishing trust. Once the trust is there, then you can start to find out who they really are and vice versa.

Click to expand...

Honestly, who goes beyond small talk once you meet them? What percentage?

Bob Arctor said:

Unfortunately, some individuals are content to exist solely on the plain of everyday minutia. The trick is that you occasionally have to put yourself out on a limb to find out who's more like you. Simply stated: no guts no glory.

Click to expand...

Not some. Most.

"put yourself out on a limb" - Please elavorate.

Bob Arctor said:

Have you ever tried meetup.com?

Click to expand...

I've looked up. There aren't groups of my interests in my area. You forget not everyone is from a generously populated first world country. I can barely find a bookstore in my city, let alone some cultural space where people want to meet.

I get this, and I've also thought this.

Xpendable said:

I can't find people that ask questions, people who break the mold. I can't find people with unique opinions. I can't find people that know things no one else knows. I don't know where to find people that don't think about money, or celebrities. People who aren't thinking which brand is better or what cell phone takes the best selfies.

Click to expand...

It's not ridiculous to think this at all, but I do find it a little selfish the way you describe what you want. It's extremely rare that you're going to find someone exactly 100% compatible. I'm not sure if it's an actual friendship you're looking for or just someone completely molded to your interests only, to talk to whenever it suits you. If it's the latter then you can find random people to talk to about any particular subject anywhere on the internet, there's forums, blogs, and chat designed for any purpose you want. If it's a friend then you might struggle there; I know if I met a potential friend then I'd want to know everything about them.

9006 said:

It's not ridiculous to think this at all, but I do find it a little selfish the way you describe what you want. It's extremely rare that you're going to find someone exactly 100% compatible.

Click to expand...

It's not about compatibility with me, it's about incompatibility with everyone else. It's not so much that "I want" more that a need. I feel I'm thirsty in the middle of the dessert and everyone tries to give me a bag of salt.

9006 said:

I'm not sure if it's an actual friendship you're looking for or just someone completely molded to your interests only, to talk to whenever it suits you.

Click to expand...

I'll prefer they don't suit me; I'll prefer they don't suit anyone. I don't care if they aren't my friends. I would be happy knowing they exists.

9006 said:

If it's the latter then you can find random people to talk to about any particular subject anywhere on the internet, there's forums, blogs, and chat designed for any purpose you want. If it's a friend then you might struggle there; I know if I met a potential friend then I'd want to know everything about them.

Click to expand...

I'm tired of talking through bytes. I need physical interaction.

Xpendable said:

One time (I don't remember where) someone asked in a forum where to meet people. The question was marked as ridiculous, but it made sense to me.

"of course you can meet people in bars and clubs"

But what if I don't want to meet people who go to bars and clubs?
I don't want to look for people in restaurants or the mall, I don't want to look for people in concerts. I don't care for people who go out just because. People who go out where everyone goes out. I don't want to find people who does the exact same thing that everyone else.

I can't find people that ask questions, people who break the mold. I can't find people with unique opinions. I can't find people that know things no one else knows. I don't know where to find people that don't think about money, or celebrities. People who aren't thinking which brand is better or what cell phone takes the best selfies.
I feel I'm going mad, looking for ghosts of ideas that never existed. Looking for an spiritual "resistance" hiding from the noise. I can't find people that make me want to be better; to learn more, to give more.
I don't want small talk, I don't care how's the weather or what do you do for a living. I don't want to hear about cars or fashion. I don't care what team is doing well this season or for what candidate are you voting. I don't care how your kids are getting good grades or what diet are you taking, what shows are you watching or what band is releasing a new record.

I can't find people who look from outside... and beyond. People who make me feel sane. Maybe they don't exist. Or maybe they are also looking...

Click to expand...

They don't exist. Give it up and be alone. Works for me. People are ********.

I may have to deal with this dilemma again at some point. It hasn't been an issue recently because I just haven't been looking. It sounds like the others are right though, and you may need to expand your pool a bit of who you think are suitable to talk to. When you first begin to get to know someone, there are very few people who will go beyond superficial banter, and that includes some of the topics you've listed, like kids and bands and tv shows. The more comfortable one is with another person, the easier the deeper topics you are looking to discuss become to explore. The superficiality is, for a lot of people, just a process of feeling out whether they are comfortable in the other person's company.

BeyondShy said:

http://anywhereaccountant.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/search.jpg

Click to expand...

lol it does feel that way sometimes.

Jafo said:

They don't exist. Give it up and be alone. Works for me. People are ********.

Click to expand...

^Definitely don't do this. Some people are. Most aren't. The good ones are worth the wait.

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

You're holding everyday interactions to an impossible standard.

Click to expand...

Not everyday. People are more that their interactions. Just one person in my life time would be enough.

Click to expand...

Yes but you want to meet new people (or just one new person) which involves a series of commonplace interactions. New people won't just instantly appear in your life.

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

Ironically you want to meet people who "break the mold", yet you want them to fit into some whimsical, oversimplified, imaginary mold of your own, and they never will.

Click to expand...

Quite the opposite. I want to be challenged, to doubt my own ideas. To be unaware of what I may find, and maybe even scared of the information I don't possess. I don't look for anything specific. I guess I'll know when I found it.

Click to expand...

Would it not be fair to say that someone who acts superficial on a first meeting but is interested in more philosophical/spiritual pursuits would challenge you? How will you know you haven't passed over opportunities for more meaningful connections if you don't pursue what you're looking for by challenging yourself?

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

Most real people aren't so two dimensional and vulnerable as to present their uniqueness to you on a silver platter. You have to dig.

Click to expand...

If they resists to dig themselves, I can't force them.

Click to expand...

True, but how hard have you looked?

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

Just because someone goes out to clubs, thinks about money and has a celebrity crush doesn't mean they can't also know things you don't know or offer a rare perspective you might enjoy.

Click to expand...

Maybe. Never happened to me or anyone I know.

Click to expand...

Again I'd ask how much work you've put into your search. Special results require a special effort.

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

Small talk serves a very important purpose in that it lets people "try each other on." A brief exchange of eye contact and meaningless patter is a stepping stone to better things. Small talk facilitates the process of establishing trust. Once the trust is there, then you can start to find out who they really are and vice versa.

Click to expand...

Honestly, who goes beyond small talk once you meet them? What percentage?

Click to expand...

It's not like I can give any kind of statistics on this. All I can say is that if they're not going beyond smalltalk then it's up to you to make that push.

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

Unfortunately, some individuals are content to exist solely on the plain of everyday minutia. The trick is that you occasionally have to put yourself out on a limb to find out who's more like you. Simply stated: no guts no glory.

Click to expand...

Not some. Most.

"put yourself out on a limb" - Please elavorate.

Click to expand...

Take a risk by bringing up more personal or interesting topics of conversation once some trust has been established. It's not always easy to tell what kind of comfort level both people are operating at, but it's a learning process. Just try to be patient with yourself and them. Frustration is bound to happen, but the more you practice socializing the easier it becomes to deal with.

Also, for myself, doing work on my own self-esteem/self-acceptance has made me much better at socializing in general.

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

Have you ever tried meetup.com?

Click to expand...

I've looked up. There aren't groups of my interests in my area. You forget not everyone is from a generously populated first world country. I can barely find a bookstore in my city, let alone some cultural space where people want to meet.

Click to expand...

There's no general meet and greet type of groups?

Xpendable said:

...
"of course you can meet people in bars and clubs"

But what if I don't want to meet people who go to bars and clubs?
I don't want to look for people in restaurants or the mall, I don't want to look for people in concerts. I don't care for people who go out just because. People who go out where everyone goes out. I don't want to find people who does the exact same thing that everyone else.
...
I can't find people who look from outside... and beyond. People who make me feel sane. Maybe they don't exist. Or maybe they are also looking...

Click to expand...

Really, this all rings so true to me. I could have posted this, it's seems so true.

Pick apart what you're looking for, and go somewhere that *might* provide just that one thing. Like, someone was giving a philosophy course at the night school here, where people actually discussed philosophy. Screw the chitchat, lets get deep!

I look for lectures in interesting subjects, at the university which is sorta near me.

It just occurred to me, I could ask the philosophy group if anyone wanted to attend one of the university lectures with me. You never know. Some kind of deeper conversation has to result, sooner or later.

Xpendable, I've read this whole thread and seem to notice a certain fixity about your statements. I get a sense that you've taken a certain position, similar to a legal position in a lawsuit, and that you see it as being against your interests to have it challenged. So I'm not going to try. All I'll suggest is that it's a bad idea to get into a rut and spin your wheels for the rest of your life silently reiterating the same thoughts. Which is a danger that we who have few opportunities to talk about what truly matters to us, are very exposed to.

mickey said:

Xpendable, I've read this whole thread and seem to notice a certain fixity about your statements. I get a sense that you've taken a certain position, similar to a legal position in a lawsuit, and that you see it as being against your interests to have it challenged. So I'm not going to try. All I'll suggest is that it's a bad idea to get into a rut and spin your wheels for the rest of your life silently reiterating the same thoughts. Which is a danger that we who have few opportunities to talk about what truly matters to us, are very exposed to.

Click to expand...

Well said Mickey.

BeyondShy said:

[img=200x110]http://anywhereaccountant.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/search.jpg[/img]

Click to expand...

The hell's that massive picture in the middle of the discussion for? LOL

Bob Arctor said:

Yes but you want to meet new people (or just one new person) which involves a series of commonplace interactions. New people won't just instantly appear in your life.

Click to expand...

New people appear to me everyday, but I don't want to force any type of interaction that they don't want. How do I know what they want?
I tease a little question. Something simple, political parties, taste in the arts or basic culture. It may sound harsh, but if they can't even have a sounding opinion in something so general then they probably won't expand in anything deeper.
This doesn't mean I look down on them.
"This are you interests (or the lack of it) That's fine. You're not the type of person I would spend time with, and probably I am outside of your preferences too. Have a good day".
Again, I don't think they are lesser human beings, they are to different to get along. They have all the right to be the way they want.

Bob Arctor said:

Would it not be fair to say that someone who acts superficial on a first meeting but is interested in more philosophical/spiritual pursuits would challenge you?

Click to expand...

That generally shows right away. But I don't judge people right away; even when I know they judge me before any word comes out of my mouth. I don't have a 0 tolerance with interactions because you're right, sometimes you need a second or a third look into someone. Said this, the deficit remains. 100% of the time, people have shown to be exactly what they seem; at least in my experience. Doesn't matter if I pushed or not, sometimes they'll get pushed by someone else; or something. So I think I'm being very fair.

Bob Arctor said:

How will you know you haven't passed over opportunities for more meaningful connections if you don't pursue what you're looking for by challenging yourself?

Click to expand...

Here's the thing, and you probably are going to disagree with me:
I'll know. It will shine like a rare diamond from a dark place. Different people stand up naturally. Sometimes they don't even have to talk; you can know by looking at them. A gesture, their gaze, their expression. What I'm saying is I don't want someone who has to hide himself, that goes against someone who can make meaningful connections, at least with me.

Bob Arctor said:

True, but how hard have you looked?

Click to expand...

There's a thread in this forum called "How Not to Make friends". Hard subjects tend to repel people. It doesn't depend too much of what I do, if they don't want to participate is their choice.

Bob Arctor said:

Again I'd ask how much work you've put into your search. Special results require a special effort.

Click to expand...

It doesn matter what I say, you'll still think is not enough.

Bob Arctor said:

It's not like I can give any kind of statistics on this.

Click to expand...

Then give your experience.

Bob Arctor said:

All I can say is that if they're not going beyond smalltalk then it's up to you to make that push.

Click to expand...

It's not my responsibility to make people be true to themselves. What I look for is not something that should be forced, pushed or elucidated. What I look for should emanate with disatachement. No one pushed me or made any effort to try to show me my own self, and frankly, I think is the only way to liberate yourself. No one can show you how you are more than yourself, no one can know you more and understand you more. If you're to afraid to let yourself go then there's not too much another person can make to help you. It may sound selfish but we are our own path and our own destiny.

Bob Arctor said:

Take a risk by bringing up more personal or interesting topics of conversation once some trust has been established. It's not always easy to tell what kind of comfort level both people are operating at, but it's a learning process. Just try to be patient with yourself and them. Frustration is bound to happen, but the more you practice socializing the easier it becomes to deal with.

Click to expand...

Then maybe I should lower the standar, since I had failed for 20 years.

Bob Arctor said:

Also, for myself, doing work on my own self-esteem/self-acceptance has made me much better at socializing in general.

Click to expand...

Exactly. How pushed you? How saw you and your potential? Just you.
This is not about just simply socializing. I think the phrase "Accept your self to accept others" is misleading, because while I accept myself more and more, the most distant and alienated I feel from others. I already accepted the way people are; that's not the issue. But we stand so far appart that there's no bridge between us.

Bob Arctor said:

There's no general meet and greet type of groups?

Click to expand...

90% are entrepreneurs groups and marketing. I'm not interested in that. Others require to spend money I don't have or are more than 100 km away.

---

mickey said:

Xpendable, I've read this whole thread and seem to notice a certain fixity about your statements. I get a sense that you've taken a certain position, similar to a legal position in a lawsuit...

Click to expand...

Which is weird because I hate the legal system. I may have taken some issues strongly but I'm in no way holding them in stone...

mickey said:

...and that you see it as being against your interests to have it challenged.

Click to expand...

If it were that way when wouldn't even be discussing it right now.

mickey said:

All I'll suggest is that it's a bad idea to get into a rut and spin your wheels for the rest of your life, silently reiterating the same thoughts.

Click to expand...

That's a big assumption, but still, I feel I'm looking for something good. Yes, I'm being harsh and I'm being defensive of my statements. Nevertheless, I'm not closed to change my views in any way. That's maybe because I sense that they would change with actions instead of arguments. Show me and I'll believe it. Until then I'll do the best to work with what I got.

mickey said:

...Which is a danger that we who have few opportunities to talk about what truly matters to us, are very exposed to.

Click to expand...

What is what truly matters to us? And how is demonstrably and objectively good for the sake of its importance to us?

Agreed, it is extremely hard and getting harder every minute. I have decided that you just can't "meet" people. It is like people have got "pam" all over them and nothing sticks. It has to be a more serious commitment. In addition, you can't just show up to a "meetup". I have been to several and for some unknown reason, unfriendly people who don't know how to talk seem to attend.

It has to be
(1) something that you and everyone else has to go to, you can't just blow it off. And
(2) When there you will be forced to interact with people or else some major thing that you are there for, will not get done.

And it comes out to.. a job or school.

No no hear me out. There is something about shared hard situations that makes friends out of people. They see your real character, you see theirs, you are forced to be there day in and out.

I had thought at one point that volunteering was just as good. However, turns out.. not so much. I volunteered to be on my condo board but didn't make any friends out of it. I think that was because people volunteer to get power in that situation and thus, they are all fighting for it.

Xpendable said:

Bob Arctor said:

It's not like I can give any kind of statistics on this.

Click to expand...

Then give your experience.

Click to expand...

My experience is that friends I've made in the past, or people I had the opportunity to get to know better, have often surprised me with their unique views, artistic talents, spiritual beliefs etc. It usually took time though.

I'm sorry that there aren't a lot of good groups for meetup.com where you live, that is a formidable obstacle. At any rate I've said all I have to say on the matter. I hope you find what you're looking for someday.

Bob Arctor said:

My experience is that friends I've made in the past, or people I had the opportunity to get to know better, have often surprised me with their unique views, artistic talents, spiritual beliefs etc. It usually took time though.

I'm sorry that there aren't a lot of good groups for meetup.com where you live, that is a formidable obstacle. At any rate I've said all I have to say on the matter. I hope you find what you're looking for someday.

Click to expand...

I wasn't really fair enough at first. I'm also guilty of vain thoughts sometimes. I'll watch a movie or have small talks out of necessity sometimes. It's not really that I despise those things, since I'm a regular person most of the time. But lately I'm having this cravings for freedom. Freedom of routines and freedom from my own frustrations. I wish I was more like everyone else. Not thinking too much about anything and just living in autopilot. They say ignorance makes you happy, I think is actually simple mindedness that does that.

Xpendable you've put a lot of I don't wants and I can't finds,have you ever just sat down and thought about what you do want and how you could possibly find and what you are going to do to make the steps to go and find them. You must have an idea of the kind of thing that they would be in to and what clubs/groups/classes etc you might be able to find that kind of individual. You've then got to meet a lot of wrongs before you can meet a right,so you have to meet a lot of people. Nobody is going to fit the exact description of what you do want and if you do manage to find them then that's great

Have you also thought about being the kind of individual that you are looking for yourself,you do get some say in how the conversation goes.

It took me a long time to learn the value of small talk. Yeah, I would far rather chew on some "deep" topics. But, you can't get there unless you build the road first. And, building the road is done with a lot of small talk and easy interactions. Remember, friendships are built as well on how you make that other person feel. So, you might want to talk of deep issues. But, first you need to connect on what is important to them too.

Serephina said:

have you ever just sat down and thought about what you do want and how you could possibly find and what you are going to do to make the steps to go and find them.

Click to expand...

Everyday. I'm constantly looking for places or small corners that can hide some surprises. I joined this forum with that intention too. I thought it would be more solitary people with this problem.

Serephina said:

You must have an idea of the kind of thing that they would be in to and what clubs/groups/classes etc you might be able to find that kind of individual.

Click to expand...

I live in a very uncompromising country. People here can be very reluctant to give second thoughts to anything, so my search is hard. The worst is that I'll be the freak most of the time, making unnecessary questions and getting pushed away.

Serephina said:

You've then got to meet a lot of wrongs before you can meet a right,so you have to meet a lot of people.

Click to expand...

Only wrongs so far.

Serephina said:

Nobody is going to fit the exact description of what you do want and if you do manage to find them then that's great.

Click to expand...

I know.

Serephina said:

Have you also thought about being the kind of individual that you are looking for yourself,you do get some say in how the conversation goes.

Click to expand...

Everyday too. But I fear that I'll become so invested in that I will distance myself even more; ending up even lonely.