M
Mandydb2
Guest
Post your jokes here, make someone smile or giggle today!
Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
M
Mandydb2
Guest
Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw up to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw up to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.
G
Geoffessex
Guest
Man who go to bed with itchy bottom wake up with smelly finger
L
lonelygirl
Guest
I never saw the majority of these before. Enjoy!
Dead dog joke
A guy comes home to find his dog lying on the ground on its back with its legs up. The guy is horrified and rushes the dog to the vet.
The vet says, "Sorry, but you´ve simply got a dead dog." The guy says, "Oh no, I want to a second opinion." The vet says "ok" and opens up a cage. Out comes a lab retriever. The lab walks around the dog, puts its paws on it, sniffs, and shrugs its shoulders and goes back to its cage. The vet says, "See, even the lab agrees your dog is dead."
The guy is beside himself. "Give me one more opinion, ok?" The vet says, "Well, ok," and opens up another cage. Out comes a cat. The cat walks around the dead dog, looks at it very carefully, then shrugs and goes back to its cage. The vet says, "See, the cat also believes your dog is dead."
The guy is resigned. He says, "Well, I guess my dog is dead. Ok, doc, what do I owe you?"
The vet says, "$1500."
The guy exclaims, "$1500! Just to tell me I have a dead dog?!"
The vet replies, "Well, you´re the one who ordered the lab work and the cat scan."
Jon a contributor [2004-09-01, 10:29:00][ID: 927-5084]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Thx Lauri!)
Subject: Fw: Redneck Logic
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren´t going
anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take
math,history, and logic.
"What´s logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. "Do you own a
weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard" replied the
professor.
"That´s real good!" the redneck responded in awe. The professor
continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you
also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted "GAWL-LEEE!!"
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Sally Mae! This is incredible! !" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than ****-sexual" said the professor.
"You´re absolutely right! Why that´s the most fascinatin´ thing I
ever heard of. I can´t wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" Cooter asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You´re a queer, ain´t ya?"
contributor [2004-09-02, 13:58:00][ID: 927-5096]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national
ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I´d like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on it´s
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number´s 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number´s 266-2566. Email
address is [email protected]. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I´m at home. Where d´ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We´re wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We´re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I´d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don´t think that´s a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate
that you ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high
cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won´t allow such an
unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What? What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I´m sure you´ll
like it.
Customer: "What makes you think I´d like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out ´Gourmet Soybean Recipes´ from your
local library last week, sir. That´s why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is
$49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I´m sorry sir, but I´m afraid you´ll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I´ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."
Operator: "That won´t work either, sir. Your checking account´s
overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I´ll have the cash
ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We´re running a little behind, sir. It´ll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you´re in a hurry you might want to pick ´em up
while you´re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a ´cycle?"
Operator: "It says here you´re in arrears on your car payments, so
your car got repo´ed. But your Harley´s paid for and you just filled
the tank yesterday."
Customer: Well I´ll be a "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!"
Operator: "I´d advise watching your language, sir. You´ve already got
a July 4, 2004 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here
in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge."
"Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the
State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your
return to society?
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I´m sorry sir, but our ad´s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"
Pizza Lover [2004-09-28, 13:50:00][ID: 927-5372]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For American or foreign men contemplating marriage to American woman:
****CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS****
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY OCT. 30th.
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Take a Whiz Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O´Malley´s Brew Pub on 16th Street)
Class
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for
weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen
Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right
Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open
Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at
7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday´s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion, Relaxation Exercises,
Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You´re Going
To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three
nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
orignl author unknwn [2004-10-27, 07:30:00][ID: 927-5546]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he´d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like
to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" and
walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president
and no longer resides! here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush."
The Marine, underst! andably agitated at this point, looked at the
man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I´ve told you already that Mr. Bush is
no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don´t you
understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just
love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Yes, Sir. See
you tomorrow."
buchone [2004-10-31, 12:05:00][ID: 927-5573]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can´t have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment.
Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that
ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that
writes in
zero gravity, upside-down, on almost! any surface including glass and
at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians
used a
pencil.
Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves
to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering
around our country.
Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don´t
we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it´s
worked for over 200 years and hell, we´re not using it anymore."
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are up to.
Thx Jon [2004-11-05, 13:46:00][ID: 927-5634]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMART MAN + SMART WOMAN = ROMANCE
SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE
A MAN WILL PAY $2.00 FOR A $1.00 ITEM HE NEEDS.
A WOMAN WILL PAY $1.00 FOR A $2.00 ITEM THAT SHE DOES NOT NEED.
A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A HUSBAND.
A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A WIFE.
A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HIS WIFE CAN SPEND.
A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST LOVE HIM A LITTLE AND UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT AND NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL.
MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED.
WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE OVERNIGHT.
A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE, BUT HE DOESN´T.
A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING SHE WON´T CHANGE, BUT SHE DOES.
MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, BUT MARRIED MEN ARE MORE WILLING TO DIE.
ANY MARRIED MAN SHOULD FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE´S NO USE IN TWO
PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING.
A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT. ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER
THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ARGUMENT
by contributor [2004-11-06, 14:36:00][ID: 927-5652]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it is one o´clock in the morning and you are an ESL teacher in Korea, Singapore or Thailand, take a break from correcting those papers and settle into a good chukle:
2004 Headlines: THE YEAR´S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that´s taking things a bit far!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothin´ lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant!
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn´t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there´s something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group!
[Weren´t they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Nuff said!]
A Bangkok ESL Ajarn [2005-01-22, 12:28:00][ID: 927-6050]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New Birds & Bees
Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You´ve Got Male!
ESL Computer Tech [2005-02-09, 10:21:00][ID: 927-6140]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Fish Tale
A camper was stopped by a DNR Game Warden in Wisconsin as he was returning to his campsite with a bucket full of still-alive fish. "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" the game warden asked. "No sir, don´t need one, these are my pet fish," the man replied. "Pet fish?" the warden asked. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I´m camped and let them swim around for a while. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the camp." "That´s a bunch of crap,"the game warden said, as he reached for his pad of citations. The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don´t believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works."
Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water. "Okay," said the game warden. "Call them back." "Call who back?" the man answered. "The fish," replied the warden. "What fish?" asked the man.
Never Reported! [2005-02-11, 20:59:00][ID: 927-6154]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 commandment´s of marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder
and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Wishing You Well [20
Dead dog joke
A guy comes home to find his dog lying on the ground on its back with its legs up. The guy is horrified and rushes the dog to the vet.
The vet says, "Sorry, but you´ve simply got a dead dog." The guy says, "Oh no, I want to a second opinion." The vet says "ok" and opens up a cage. Out comes a lab retriever. The lab walks around the dog, puts its paws on it, sniffs, and shrugs its shoulders and goes back to its cage. The vet says, "See, even the lab agrees your dog is dead."
The guy is beside himself. "Give me one more opinion, ok?" The vet says, "Well, ok," and opens up another cage. Out comes a cat. The cat walks around the dead dog, looks at it very carefully, then shrugs and goes back to its cage. The vet says, "See, the cat also believes your dog is dead."
The guy is resigned. He says, "Well, I guess my dog is dead. Ok, doc, what do I owe you?"
The vet says, "$1500."
The guy exclaims, "$1500! Just to tell me I have a dead dog?!"
The vet replies, "Well, you´re the one who ordered the lab work and the cat scan."
Jon a contributor [2004-09-01, 10:29:00][ID: 927-5084]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Thx Lauri!)
Subject: Fw: Redneck Logic
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren´t going
anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take
math,history, and logic.
"What´s logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. "Do you own a
weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard" replied the
professor.
"That´s real good!" the redneck responded in awe. The professor
continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you
also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted "GAWL-LEEE!!"
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Sally Mae! This is incredible! !" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than ****-sexual" said the professor.
"You´re absolutely right! Why that´s the most fascinatin´ thing I
ever heard of. I can´t wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" Cooter asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You´re a queer, ain´t ya?"
contributor [2004-09-02, 13:58:00][ID: 927-5096]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national
ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I´d like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on it´s
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number´s 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number´s 266-2566. Email
address is [email protected]. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I´m at home. Where d´ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We´re wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We´re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I´d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don´t think that´s a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate
that you ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high
cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won´t allow such an
unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What? What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I´m sure you´ll
like it.
Customer: "What makes you think I´d like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out ´Gourmet Soybean Recipes´ from your
local library last week, sir. That´s why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is
$49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I´m sorry sir, but I´m afraid you´ll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I´ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."
Operator: "That won´t work either, sir. Your checking account´s
overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I´ll have the cash
ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We´re running a little behind, sir. It´ll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you´re in a hurry you might want to pick ´em up
while you´re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a ´cycle?"
Operator: "It says here you´re in arrears on your car payments, so
your car got repo´ed. But your Harley´s paid for and you just filled
the tank yesterday."
Customer: Well I´ll be a "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!"
Operator: "I´d advise watching your language, sir. You´ve already got
a July 4, 2004 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here
in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge."
"Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the
State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your
return to society?
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I´m sorry sir, but our ad´s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"
Pizza Lover [2004-09-28, 13:50:00][ID: 927-5372]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For American or foreign men contemplating marriage to American woman:
****CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS****
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY OCT. 30th.
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Take a Whiz Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O´Malley´s Brew Pub on 16th Street)
Class
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for
weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen
Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right
Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open
Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at
7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday´s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion, Relaxation Exercises,
Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You´re Going
To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three
nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
orignl author unknwn [2004-10-27, 07:30:00][ID: 927-5546]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he´d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like
to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" and
walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president
and no longer resides! here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush."
The Marine, underst! andably agitated at this point, looked at the
man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I´ve told you already that Mr. Bush is
no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don´t you
understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just
love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Yes, Sir. See
you tomorrow."
buchone [2004-10-31, 12:05:00][ID: 927-5573]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can´t have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment.
Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that
ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that
writes in
zero gravity, upside-down, on almost! any surface including glass and
at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians
used a
pencil.
Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves
to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering
around our country.
Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don´t
we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it´s
worked for over 200 years and hell, we´re not using it anymore."
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are up to.
Thx Jon [2004-11-05, 13:46:00][ID: 927-5634]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMART MAN + SMART WOMAN = ROMANCE
SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE
A MAN WILL PAY $2.00 FOR A $1.00 ITEM HE NEEDS.
A WOMAN WILL PAY $1.00 FOR A $2.00 ITEM THAT SHE DOES NOT NEED.
A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A HUSBAND.
A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A WIFE.
A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HIS WIFE CAN SPEND.
A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST LOVE HIM A LITTLE AND UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT AND NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL.
MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED.
WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE OVERNIGHT.
A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE, BUT HE DOESN´T.
A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING SHE WON´T CHANGE, BUT SHE DOES.
MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, BUT MARRIED MEN ARE MORE WILLING TO DIE.
ANY MARRIED MAN SHOULD FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE´S NO USE IN TWO
PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING.
A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT. ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER
THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ARGUMENT
by contributor [2004-11-06, 14:36:00][ID: 927-5652]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it is one o´clock in the morning and you are an ESL teacher in Korea, Singapore or Thailand, take a break from correcting those papers and settle into a good chukle:
2004 Headlines: THE YEAR´S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that´s taking things a bit far!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothin´ lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant!
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn´t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there´s something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group!
[Weren´t they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Nuff said!]
A Bangkok ESL Ajarn [2005-01-22, 12:28:00][ID: 927-6050]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New Birds & Bees
Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You´ve Got Male!
ESL Computer Tech [2005-02-09, 10:21:00][ID: 927-6140]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Fish Tale
A camper was stopped by a DNR Game Warden in Wisconsin as he was returning to his campsite with a bucket full of still-alive fish. "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" the game warden asked. "No sir, don´t need one, these are my pet fish," the man replied. "Pet fish?" the warden asked. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I´m camped and let them swim around for a while. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the camp." "That´s a bunch of crap,"the game warden said, as he reached for his pad of citations. The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don´t believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works."
Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water. "Okay," said the game warden. "Call them back." "Call who back?" the man answered. "The fish," replied the warden. "What fish?" asked the man.
Never Reported! [2005-02-11, 20:59:00][ID: 927-6154]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 commandment´s of marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder
and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Wishing You Well [20
L
lonelygirl
Guest
HEY i know some of these at least made me snicker. C'mon folks!
L
lonely2beeme
Guest
to bad it looks like we may lose haveing a open unregistered forum
reported now we just have to wait for admin to clean up
nice jokes LG
reported now we just have to wait for admin to clean up
nice jokes LG
L
Lonely Boy from OZ
Guest
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
S
SadRabbit
Guest
lol...good one there...hummmm more jokes?
W
WeirdFatKid
Guest
Haha..nice one.
B
broken_girl
Guest
Ha ha...stamp collector. That's great.
K
Kristen
Guest
"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Mail'!
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Mail'!
B
Bluey
Guest
> > Three Men on a Hike
> >
> > Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
> large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the
> first man prayed:
> > "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
> >
> > Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was
> able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
> >
> > After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please
> give me strength and the tools to cross the river"
> >
> > Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
> legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost
> capsizing once.
> >
> > Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
> prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the
> intelligence to cross the river"
> >
> > Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map,
> hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
> >
> > Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
> large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the
> first man prayed:
> > "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
> >
> > Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was
> able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
> >
> > After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please
> give me strength and the tools to cross the river"
> >
> > Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
> legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost
> capsizing once.
> >
> > Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
> prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the
> intelligence to cross the river"
> >
> > Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map,
> hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
K
Kristen
Guest
aw.....how cute. thnx
K
Kristen
Guest
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking Down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
K
Kristen
Guest
Donna rides the bus to work every day. Today
she's in some discomfort because she has a pain in
her lower abdomen. She finally realizes that its
just a tremendous build up of gas from something
she ate. The bus is quite crowded and she doesn't
know what to do. Then she remembers that pretty
soon the bus will run across some railroad tracts
and it will rattle and bang and make lots of
noise. She will be able to pass this gas and
nobody will know.
What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also
rides the bus everyday and has grown tired of all
the noise the bus makes when it rattles and bangs
across the railroad tracts. So last night he
stayed after work and had the maintenance crew
tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate all
the moving parts to quiet down the old bus.
Well, here come the railroad tracts, Donna
raises up on one cheek and lets it rip. It was
one long, loud, juicy sounding fart. The bus
didn't rattle and bang like it usually did and now
you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as
everybody started looking around.
Donna thought that maybe no one knew who
did it and that she should just act natural. She
thought she should just start a conversation with
someone as if nothing had happened. She leaned
over to the man sitting across the aisle and
casually asked him, 'Do you have a transfer?'
He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next
tree we pass I will try and grab you a handful of leaves....'
she's in some discomfort because she has a pain in
her lower abdomen. She finally realizes that its
just a tremendous build up of gas from something
she ate. The bus is quite crowded and she doesn't
know what to do. Then she remembers that pretty
soon the bus will run across some railroad tracts
and it will rattle and bang and make lots of
noise. She will be able to pass this gas and
nobody will know.
What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also
rides the bus everyday and has grown tired of all
the noise the bus makes when it rattles and bangs
across the railroad tracts. So last night he
stayed after work and had the maintenance crew
tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate all
the moving parts to quiet down the old bus.
Well, here come the railroad tracts, Donna
raises up on one cheek and lets it rip. It was
one long, loud, juicy sounding fart. The bus
didn't rattle and bang like it usually did and now
you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as
everybody started looking around.
Donna thought that maybe no one knew who
did it and that she should just act natural. She
thought she should just start a conversation with
someone as if nothing had happened. She leaned
over to the man sitting across the aisle and
casually asked him, 'Do you have a transfer?'
He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next
tree we pass I will try and grab you a handful of leaves....'
K
Kristen
Guest
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
get it? now he has to Suck Cess!!! *lol*
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
get it? now he has to Suck Cess!!! *lol*
K
Kristen
Guest
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with ********."
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with ********."
K
Kristen
Guest
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
select text-->Its Thanksgiving day and a little 5 yr old boy is walking around with nothing to do so he decides to go into his sisters room. Shes in their with a friend talking about bras and condoms so the boy asks what they are. They tell him hats and coats and leave it at that. He leaves and wanders into his brothers room where he and a friend happen to be talking about ******* and *******s so he asks what they are, they tell him men and women and he leaves. He enters the bathroom where his dad is shaving and cuts himself with a razor. He yells, "****." so the boy asks what that is, his dad says its just shaving so he leaves to find his mother who is in the kitchen stuffing the turkey, when she breaks a nail she says **** and he ask what that is. she tells him its just stuffing the turkey and then the doorbell rings and she tells him to go answer it, he opens the door and his relatives are there so he decides to show them all the new words he learned that day. "Hello ******* and *******s. Take off your bras and condoms." they yell where are your parents young man and he says, "my dads in the bathroom shitting and my moms in the kitchen ******* the turkey"
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
select text-->Its Thanksgiving day and a little 5 yr old boy is walking around with nothing to do so he decides to go into his sisters room. Shes in their with a friend talking about bras and condoms so the boy asks what they are. They tell him hats and coats and leave it at that. He leaves and wanders into his brothers room where he and a friend happen to be talking about ******* and *******s so he asks what they are, they tell him men and women and he leaves. He enters the bathroom where his dad is shaving and cuts himself with a razor. He yells, "****." so the boy asks what that is, his dad says its just shaving so he leaves to find his mother who is in the kitchen stuffing the turkey, when she breaks a nail she says **** and he ask what that is. she tells him its just stuffing the turkey and then the doorbell rings and she tells him to go answer it, he opens the door and his relatives are there so he decides to show them all the new words he learned that day. "Hello ******* and *******s. Take off your bras and condoms." they yell where are your parents young man and he says, "my dads in the bathroom shitting and my moms in the kitchen ******* the turkey"
Attachments
B
Bluey
Guest
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
"Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf"
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
"Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf"
