20 and now what?

[colazex]

Where to go from here with my wasted ******* life... no friends, no proper education, no real life to speak off... I'm a complete failure in every sense of the word, why the hell am I putting myself trough this **** when I can't stand even myself... there's no more crying, no more attention seeking, it's just a deep filled hatred and loneliness I am afraid to live with the rest of my empty life. My parents are divorced since I was born and the relationship between my father and me is nothing more than a weak "friend" zone, hardly even that. I'm a complete failure and we both know it, and maybe that's why we agreed on the fact that it's best for me if I join the army as a wasteful asset to the government... at least then I'd had some meaning to something. I actually can't picture myself living for the next 50+ years like this, the last 5 years have been nothing but hell. I have established nothing and now I go alone from here... I hope to at least get some cash and move out of my moms house, I can't drag this depression along everyone else, the least on the only person who has to stand me... best I drown in my own misery alone. Times are very hard in my country and I'm pressured to go get a ****** job just to give some income to the house. Not to mention, my brother is probably moving to another country with my father to try to work with him, and I'll be left here with my step father who can't work anymore because of a recent injury and my half depressed mother.

What am I supposed to do... it's 8 am in the morning and my eyes are already filled with tears. I finished school just this year because I failed a whole ******* year for nothing and moved to another school to pursue my laughable "drawing" career dream. Of course when the school rejected me because of my poor drawing skills I was forced to take any other class.. the fact that I have no talent whatsoever and that I wasted my youth on absolutely nothing hit me like a slap in the face, and now I'm facing the consequences for being even born like a dumb ugly useless garbage... I have no redeeming quality be it professionally or as a person. The last time I went out was more than a year ago with one of my close friends from elementary school. I remember I once broke to tears in front of him when I was drunk, and needles to say I doubt he can see me as the same person he used to... I feel I don't deserve to be happy and that this life was just put up to make me feel undeserving every single day for everything... Never had a girlfriend, never even hugged a girl in a romantic way, how pathetic can that be? How much more ******* pathetic can I become?? Not a whole lot from here, I feel I'm near the bottom.. I can only hope to maybe one day just end it myself, alone...

 

[Tiina63]

I am really sad for you that you are suffering so much and that you are at rock bottom. I would like to offer you some suggestions, though feel free to ignore them if you don't find them helpful.
1. You may have a talent that you haven't discovered yet. The school curriculam can be limited in scope and maybe you will have to search out and try different subjects/areas of study before finding your niche. Don't think that because you are 20 it is too late to return to study. I left school and spent severall years in an emotional wilderness before going to college at almost 24 and suddenly finding that I wasn't stupid after all.
2. Could you not move with your father and your brother when they go to a different country to work? Although your relationship with your father is in the 'weak' friendzone, at least there is some warmth there, if not very much. What sort of relationship do you have with your brother? Is there anything there emotionally you could work on bring you closer to him? The same with your dad as well.
3. If the friend you mentioned has a negative view of you because you cried in front of him, then he was never a friend and you are better off without him. He isn't worth worrying about.
4. Is there someone you could talk to about all of this who would help you deal with it? A counsellor or a family friend who would be detached enough to help you work through it without trying to push you one way or the other?
5. Maybe you should hold off looking for a girlfriend at present until you are more sorted out in yourself as with the way you are feeling, you should be your first priority.
I am so sorry for you and I sincerely hope that things do get better for you. You are amonsgt friends on this site and many of us are in or have been in a similiar situation to you and so we can understand you.

 

[Garbageman]

Hey Colazex,
I am sorry you are in such a bad way right now. It can be really discouraging when you feel like you are not good at anything. Keep looking, and trying new things, you never know when you might stumble into something really great, and its a great way to meet people. Plus there are many things that can be enjoyable even if you do suck at them. You just have to find a way to get past the if I am not good at it, it isn't fun.

I don't know at what point I learned it, sometime in my twenties I suppose, if I didn't care how well I did at something, and simply did if because it was enjoyable all of the sudden I seemed to be having more fun than those who were stressed out because they were only concerned with being good. There is nothing wrong with striving to be great at something, but if you have to sacrifice having fun to accomplish that whats the point?

I have not seen any of your drawing to have an opinion about it one way or the other, just because you were turned away from a particular school means nothing as to your ability. Do you know how many famous people have been turned away, actors who were told they stink, singers who were told how awful they sounded, musicians who were turned away, only to stick with it until someone who had a different opinion discovered them. There are many different types of drawing and many different opinions about what is good. If you really have a passion to draw, don't give it up no matter how many people tell you you suck! Do it because you enjoy it and hopefully your determination will pay off. There are no guarantees but at least you will have enjoyed yourself along the way.

And there is nothing pathetic about not having had a girlfriend or experienced any romance at age twenty, or any age for that matter. Don't miss out on fun and life because you have not met someone to share it with. In my opinion the more ways you can find to have fun on your own, the more attractive you will be to others.

Hang in there, and keep searching, I know its a pain in the ass, especially when you feel you have no support or no on that cares. But even if everything here that I have typed here is useless to you, and you completely disagree with all of it, keep in mind you are a complete stranger, and yet I care enough about you to spend an hour or more attempting to come up with some helpful words. And there are others here who care. And in my book that makes you an important person in this world, because I know I don't like to waste my time, and I don't consider you a waste of time even though I hardly know you.

Take care, and PM me if you need to talk.

 

[colazex]

My father doesn't think much of me except that I'm not reliable or smart enough to work with him, and my relationship with my brother is based solely off marijuana. I doubt we could be in the same room for more than an our without it because I am simply a boring person... as I said my father said it's best if I just join the army. My family as a whole thinks it's just a faze of life to be in depression for some time because times are hard financially etc... of course they don't know how I feel because they couldn't take it seriously, nor do i want to set an even worse picture of myself in my families eyes...

And I did love to draw sometimes, but I figured that in all my years of drawing my progress is laughably small and I can't enjoy doing something that just shows me how worthless and dumb I actually am and that I can't even progress in something I loved doing since elementary school... I have no money, no drivers license, no education and I'll be lucky to even find a job. The only thing I enjoy is playing guitar when I'm not on the computer and that's it. I'm sick that I have made nothing out of my teenage years which supposedly had to be the best years in my life... the only thing that keeps me from feeling like this all day is marijuana, at least that helps me faze out of this thought mentality for some time, but I know I can't be happy with it. I can't even be around people because I just fall in depression, every ******* time for the last 5 years. It's why I don't go out, I mean who wants to be with an uninteresting dumbfuck like me? I remember I always blamed everyone else for how I was feeling, but the cold truth is that the only problem was that I was ever ******* born... wasting time and space and just being a nuisance for everyone is not the way I wanted my life but now that's it's shaped like this I feel there is no other way than to be unhappy until I die. It has been going like this for 5 years, and it will only go downhill from here... here goes another sleepless night... thank you both for reading and even replying..

 

[Garbageman]

Well Colazex,
I really wish I had the proverbial magic words to help you out, but I can't seem to find them. I won't give up though. I hate to see people sell themselves short. I know I have been guilty of that more than a few times. I would agree that your situation is far from ideal, but you really never know what is around the corner. And your negative opinion towards yourself is very self defeating. I think most people have been there, not in your shoes but have had a negative view of themselves. You have got to give yourself a break. Its near impossible for me to come up with specific examples of how I find you interesting, or positive things I see in you, not because they don't exist but because I don't know you.

I have yet to meet someone who didn't have something positive about them, something interesting, and something admirable. It is near impossible to see these things in yourself when you constantly cover yourself in a blanket of negativity. It also makes it much more difficult for others to see the good in you.

Oh in my opinion whoever said that your teenage years should be the best years of your life is so wrong. People who believe that are really cheating themselves out of a huge chunk of their lives. There is no specific years of your life that are designated to be the best years. For many their teenage years are the worst. Everyone has different experiences at different times in their life. To me it seems like the best policy is to strive to make the best out of all of your years.

Some times you really have to work to turn things around in your life, it is not always easy to find the positive but I believe it is always possible. Sometimes you just have to hang on for dear life and keep trying. I really hope you are able to find or create some positive in your life. Take care and hang in there.

 

[blumar]

Colazex, you're not alone in this. I was in the same way. Yup, high school years suck and no one is exempt from that. After high school you have to try to put the pieces of yourself back in order. Keep your dreams or find new ones but you have to keep moving forward. All the negative you feel from people is their perception of you - that doesn't make it true. Your father telling you that you are unreliable or not smart enough is his perception and his opinion. He is entitled to his opinion but so are you! You are entitled to see yourself as a reliable and intelligent person capable of doing anything you set your mind to! You can get a job, you can get a driver's license and you can get an education! You are not worthless, you just need to find your way.

Forgive me if my reply is a bit sappy but it hurts me to hear what you're going through. Please don't sell yourself short.