40 years old, and I feel my talking skills need upgrading

[StaffordDoggo]

Hi all, this might be a bit of text. Sorry, it's just my way of writing.

In August I turn 40,good lord. But I feel at least ten years younger, so that's good. But I feel I definitely need to improve my social skills when it comes to sparking up a conversation and being able to discuss different subjects.

With that I will give a example of a very nice lady I met last Sunday, Monday again and this morning as well, while walking my dog. We talked a bit, mostly about our dogs and the weather and it stays at that. The issue is, I get too worked up in my head about having to find a good subject to talk about, I end up not doing that. I also noticed that just like me she seems shy, so it's probably up to me to steer the conversation in a new direction, but it must be genuine, it must not be like checking off a list.

So far we've talked about our dogs, what age they are, their names, the fun stuff they do. This morning I mentioned how the weather finally turned to normal temperatures again and she agreed, but honestly....these are not good subjects. It's only been three times that I've seen her, but I like her. She seems kind, genuine and likeable and I have a feeling it's mutual but I don't dare say I know for sure, absolutely not. But it does seem she enjoys talking to me.

For next time I think simply greeting her again and following up with "how are you doing today." is not a bad idea. It will make it more personal, about her and it certainly isn't something just any soul would ask you, so it will probably surprise her. But what then? Just some advice, what are good things to talk about and especially in what way do I say it? I think that's key.

 

[user 188685]

Hello and welcome,I think you should ask her what her name is,if you don't know what her name is,ask her how she is doing,introduce yourself to her,start off with the small things first.

 

[StaffordDoggo]

Hello and welcome,I think you should ask her what her name is,if you don't know what her name is,ask her how she is doing,introduce yourself to her,start off with the small things first.

Good point. I mean the dogs have already made acquaintance, but we haven't yet, haha. Asking how she's doing and then maybe saying "by the way, my name is...."could be good too. If the interest is indeed mutual she'll probably tell her name too.

 

[Finished]

It's really not about what you guys talk about. It's more about her getting comfortable with you. But, sometimes you might end up putting in a lot of effort and then find out she is gay. Ha! ha! That happen to me.

 

[StaffordDoggo]

It's really not about what you guys talk about. It's more about her getting comfortable with you. But, sometimes you might end up putting in a lot of effort and then find out she is gay. Ha! ha! That happen to me.

Yeah, that's unfortunate but that can be life too. In the past I have gotten too worked up about things that turned out to be nothing I expected. At least twice it happened that it felt right, I could swear I had received several crystal clear signals from a woman and for me the next logical step sounded like asking her for a drink or a walk. Only to get a very brief and honestly cold "no" as answer and nothing else.

But that's life, you learn from such things. So I need to make sure not to make of this than it is, it isn't anything yet at all. For all I know she's just being friendly and has a partner already or simply isn't interested at all. I do know that paying attention to body language, how someone behaves while you talk can give you some information, but even then.

 

[Finished]

Yeah, that's unfortunate but that can be life too. In the past I have gotten too worked up about things that turned out to be nothing I expected. At least twice it happened that it felt right, I could swear I had received several crystal clear signals from a woman and for me the next logical step sounded like asking her for a drink or a walk. Only to get a very brief and honestly cold "no" as answer and nothing else.

But that's life, you learn from such things. So I need to make sure not to make of this than it is, it isn't anything yet at all. For all I know she's just being friendly and has a partner already or simply isn't interested at all. I do know that paying attention to body language, how someone behaves while you talk can give you some information, but even then.

Yep. And some people just naturally flirt. One way to see if there is more and to make more out of it is to touch her. Just touch her arm, her shoulders, whatever in a friendly way. If she jumps or seems uncomfortable then you know to back off. But, if she seems okay with it then you can proceed. If she starts touching you back then that's an even better sign.

 

[StaffordDoggo]

Yep. And some people just naturally flirt. One way to see if there is more and to make more out of it is to touch her. Just touch her arm, her shoulders, whatever in a friendly way. If she jumps or seems uncomfortable then you know to back off. But, if she seems okay with it then you can proceed. If she starts touching you back then that's an even better sign.

Oh boy, that sounds a bit too fast in my opinion, not sure about that yet. And the times we've met there was quite a distance between us. Getting so close to touch her would feel a bit unnatural to me, but we'll see how it goes.

And yeah, a friend of mine can just flirt with any lady and they often do it back too. It's second nature for him and he says to me it's nothing special. Oh man, dude has easy talking.

 

[mizera]

It's better to talk to her without asking questions. Questions are easy conversation starters but when talking to a woman it gives away your motive, which is to get to know her better. You have to find a way to just talk naturally. Since she's shy, you can just start talking about whatever. For example, it's fine to ask how she's doing, since you've spoken to her a few times. She says she's fine, and then you start talking about whatever, a story about something that happened that day or the day before. If that doesn't interest her, then try talking about something else. By talking and not asking her questions, you are not giving away anything. You are just shooting the breeze with her like you would with anyone else. Your hope is that she will show some interest in you by asking you a question or else revealing something about herself that you can respond or relate to (without asking a question. Since you can count on seeing her again, you just try to make a little progress each time until she gives you the green light and you ask her out.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I wouldn't necessarily recommend my advice, because my social competency has waned over the years, however, I'll give my perspective...

I think, that simply honoring the fact that A: you think your social skills aren't up to snuff, and B: this makes you a bit concerned, is enough.

Just be willing and accepting to make mistakes, be stuck with awkward silences, etc.. That's the only way to learn. You can't usually become a better swimmer, by improving your mountain climbing skills. There are related muscle groups, but they are different competencies. People who are more logical, reserved, and thoughtful, will tend to feel like they have two left feet, so to speak.

So, all you can really do, is take mental notes, prepare the best you can, and then just dive in, and do your best.

And, I'd take a stab at saying, just trust. Trust the process, of socializing, the way you'd trust a river to carry you down stream in a raft, or trust the wind to billow your sails.

Sometimes the only problem, in situations like that, is thinking you have a problem. And there is no solution for a problem that is the problem, except to realize there is no problem, and there's no easy to answer that. Or maybe it's that the answer to that is easy; but, on the outset can seem daunting.

It's like that old adage about learning to laugh at yourself. Some people pick it up quite quickly, they are naturals. Some of us, it takes a while; but, I think so long as one is sincere and persistent in their efforts, and at least makes the attempt to get on the dance floor, eventually they'll find the rhythm.

Socializing is very much like dance, and song. There's rhythm to it, it's all about timing.

Practice, practice, practice, as they say...

Anyway, my two cents...

 

[StaffordDoggo]

It's better to talk to her without asking questions. Questions are easy conversation starters but when talking to a woman it gives away your motive, which is to get to know her better. You have to find a way to just talk naturally. Since she's shy, you can just start talking about whatever. For example, it's fine to ask how she's doing, since you've spoken to her a few times. She says she's fine, and then you start talking about whatever, a story about something that happened that day or the day before. If that doesn't interest her, then try talking about something else. By talking and not asking her questions, you are not giving away anything. You are just shooting the breeze with her like you would with anyone else. Your hope is that she will show some interest in you by asking you a question or else revealing something about herself that you can respond or relate to (without asking a question. Since you can count on seeing her again, you just try to make a little progress each time until she gives you the green light and you ask her out.

I guess it's not a bad thing to just continue our talks about the dogs, after all it's something we both are very interested in and there's enough to talk about. Her dog is 11 months old and I could ask her if she's planning on going to training with her, because I did several times. Or like you said, something that happened that day or the other. I often believe not much goes on in my life, but that is not true. Even the small things could be something for a conversation, but it does need to be remotely interesting.

I plan on finding a new activity/hobby so I meet some people more often, basically have it as training for my social skills, can never hurt. And just during my walks with doggy talk to people more often, stuff like that.


But my problem is that once I've met a nice women a few times I focus too much on it. Whereas if I had days where I meet and talk to people all the time it's going to be about so much more than that . This morning I was at the park again with my dog, it seemed that this time she wasn't walking her dog but turns out she was just a little later than usual. So instead of stopping and just having a chat I walked past her, I did greet her and I said "my dog just played and she's had enough for now." something like that. Just me making up some BS excuse and I don't know why. I did wish her a great day.

I have this weird thing, always had it, even when I was in a relationship with my girl back then that I get nervous when I'm about to meet her again. Years ago I would walk to her house and I just felt so nervous for reasons I don't understand at all, once I was there all was fine. The same with this girl, I saw her in the distance and those nerves appeared again, this made me try to "escape" from it I guess. And why? She isn't anything to me, I barely know her, I like her but that's it. I guess we humans can be really complex but I hate this about myself, wish I didn't do this. I could have simply asked how she's doing, instead I act almost as if I'm not interested at all.

It should be something to work on, for sure.

 

[StaffordDoggo]

I wouldn't necessarily recommend my advice, because my social competency has waned over the years, however, I'll give my perspective...

I think, that simply honoring the fact that A: you think your social skills aren't up to snuff, and B: this makes you a bit concerned, is enough.

Just be willing and accepting to make mistakes, be stuck with awkward silences, etc.. That's the only way to learn. You can't usually become a better swimmer, by improving your mountain climbing skills. There are related muscle groups, but they are different competencies. People who are more logical, reserved, and thoughtful, will tend to feel like they have two left feet, so to speak.

So, all you can really do, is take mental notes, prepare the best you can, and then just dive in, and do your best.

And, I'd take a stab at saying, just trust. Trust the process, of socializing, the way you'd trust a river to carry you down stream in a raft, or trust the wind to billow your sails.

Sometimes the only problem, in situations like that, is thinking you have a problem. And there is no solution for a problem that is the problem, except to realize there is no problem, and there's no easy to answer that. Or maybe it's that the answer to that is easy; but, on the outset can seem daunting.

It's like that old adage about learning to laugh at yourself. Some people pick it up quite quickly, they are naturals. Some of us, it takes a while; but, I think so long as one is sincere and persistent in their efforts, and at least makes the attempt to get on the dance floor, eventually they'll find the rhythm.

Socializing is very much like dance, and song. There's rhythm to it, it's all about timing.

Practice, practice, practice, as they say...

Anyway, my two cents...

Yes, you are so right about that. I shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes. Like you say, practice, practice, practice, it's very true. It makes sense too. If I were to play a certain video game so much that I could just dream it.....it would become second nature for me, I'd know everything about it because in a way I have been practicing in the game. If I make it a case to talk to people a lot more, especially women whenever the opportunity arises and it feels right.....it's going to be like training and that's good. It sounds only logical that in the future talking to a women, even those that I take a liking to will flow more natural.

 

[mizera]

If I was in your situation, I'd probably be very nervous, because I don't meet women too often. One opportunity would mean a lot to me and I would probably find myself planning the exact words I would say the next time I saw her. I think it's good you just walked by last time, but still greeted her. You can always talk to her next time. Maybe try to relax, realizing that it's not your responsibility to make the conversation. She should cooperate with you, and if there is a silence, she can speak up too. I think you've done well so far. It's easy to get nervous and give away your interest by starting to ask her where she lives or what she does. Those are fine questions on a date, but this is a different situation, so you just have to keep cool and act naturally. The advantage you have is that you can count on seeing her again and again walking the dog, so there's no fear of never seeing her again. If that was the case, you would have to be aggressive and throw a hail mary by asking for her number. But fortunately with this dog situation, you can relax. But you should lower your expectations, because she could easily have a boyfriend or be married, and there's no way for you to know.

 

[StaffordDoggo]

If I was in your situation, I'd probably be very nervous, because I don't meet women too often. One opportunity would mean a lot to me and I would probably find myself planning the exact words I would say the next time I saw her. I think it's good you just walked by last time, but still greeted her. You can always talk to her next time. Maybe try to relax, realizing that it's not your responsibility to make the conversation. She should cooperate with you, and if there is a silence, she can speak up too. I think you've done well so far. It's easy to get nervous and give away your interest by starting to ask her where she lives or what she does. Those are fine questions on a date, but this is a different situation, so you just have to keep cool and act naturally. The advantage you have is that you can count on seeing her again and again walking the dog, so there's no fear of never seeing her again. If that was the case, you would have to be aggressive and throw a hail mary by asking for her number. But fortunately with this dog situation, you can relax. But you should lower your expectations, because she could easily have a boyfriend or be married, and there's no way for you to know.

Thank you for the kind words. It's true that there is no fear of never seeing her again, or well, never say never. She could at some point decide to go a new route with her dog, but I'm not going to worry about that. Yeah I really have to realize that she could easily have someone already. Just because she looks nice at me doesn't mean much. If I had to guess I don't think she has anyone, she's always on her own, but that doesn't immediately mean anything though.

I should just relax, play with my dog, when I see her greet her, ask how her day is going and see from there. I have the tendency to get worked up over things that I shouldn't get worked up over at all. By doing that it creates those nerves to go all weird too, not necessary.

 

[ringwood]

Injecting a little playful humour into what might otherwise be an awkward conversation can do wonders. Since you're both on the shy side, there's bound to be a few of those silly awkward moments where there's a lull in the conversation and you're both likely (in your own heads) panicking over the thought of "What do I say next??!!!" Instead of heading in that direction as shy people tend to do (myself included), how about a little nervous laughter and a lighthearted honest comment on the situation, something along the lines of, "Yikes! There's one of those awkwards silences, haha. As someone who's shy, do you dread those as much as myself? I feel like I need a list in my head of what to say next. . . "

That way, it lightens the moment a little - it lets your lady friend know that you are also somewhat shy AND it helps to continue the conversation by asking a question. Sometimes a little silence or lull in the conversation is nice though - I sometimes find people just keeping yapping on and on and on, just for sake of talking when it isn't really necessary.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Injecting a little playful humour into what might otherwise be an awkward conversation can do wonders. Since you're both on the shy side, there's bound to be a few of those silly awkward moments where there's a lull in the conversation and you're both likely (in your own heads) panicking over the thought of "What do I say next??!!!" Instead of heading in that direction as shy people tend to do (myself included), how about a little nervous laughter and a lighthearted honest comment on the situation, something along the lines of, "Yikes! There's one of those awkwards silences, haha. As someone who's shy, do you dread those as much as myself? I feel like I need a list in my head of what to say next. . . "

That way, it lightens the moment a little - it lets your lady friend know that you are also somewhat shy AND it helps to continue the conversation by asking a question. Sometimes a little silence or lull in the conversation is nice though - I sometimes find people just keeping yapping on and on and on, just for sake of talking when it isn't really necessary.

Do you know how much the largest polar bear ever recorded in history, weighs?



...enough to break the ice. *ba dum*

 

[ringwood]

Do you know how much the largest polar bear ever recorded in history, weighs?



...enough to break the ice. *ba dum*

Hahahaha. . . Kudos. There ya go, OP - the perfect 'ice-breaker'. . .

 

[StaffordDoggo]

If I was in your situation, I'd probably be very nervous, because I don't meet women too often. One opportunity would mean a lot to me and I would probably find myself planning the exact words I would say the next time I saw her. I think it's good you just walked by last time, but still greeted her. You can always talk to her next time. Maybe try to relax, realizing that it's not your responsibility to make the conversation. She should cooperate with you, and if there is a silence, she can speak up too. I think you've done well so far. It's easy to get nervous and give away your interest by starting to ask her where she lives or what she does. Those are fine questions on a date, but this is a different situation, so you just have to keep cool and act naturally. The advantage you have is that you can count on seeing her again and again walking the dog, so there's no fear of never seeing her again. If that was the case, you would have to be aggressive and throw a hail mary by asking for her number. But fortunately with this dog situation, you can relax. But you should lower your expectations, because she could easily have a boyfriend or be married, and there's no way for you to know.

Ever since my last message I've been working on improving my talking skills, but not just for the sake of talking but always meaningful and genuine talks. Practice is what I need, lots of it. By doing much more of this with all kinds of people, not only women that I'm interested in I will get better, more natural at it. I've felt that ideally I talk to some people before meeting the lady I like again, it really helps. It changes the mindset, makes me more calm but especially more confident.

As for the lady in question, I've seen her last Sunday for the last time. I was sitting on a bench talking to a acquaintance of mine and she walked by, I greeted her. I haven't seen her for the last three days though. Last week she was in the park pretty much every morning, including weekend.

But that doesn't have to mean "bad news" or anything. We'll see what happens.