ThisSideOfTheRainbow
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I don't know if this belongs in general chat, but I wasn't about to put it under success stories, as I don't consider it a success, yet.
But I thought this post would be a good chance to open up and start spilling the beans. I fell into a huge period of depression about 7 months ago. But that is another story for another post. I'm not ready to talk about the cause, only the effect. Let's just say that at that turning point in my life, the only things that would relieve the pain were cigarettes and walking. After the event in my life, I quickly dove into cigarettes. I had smoked on and off for many years, with many off periods lasting years in themselves. But before 7 months ago, I was pretty cleaned out. In fact, at that time, in one of the most healthiest physical periods of my life. I stopped smoking pot years ago, never was a drinker, hadn't touched a hard drug like cocaine or acid or mushrooms since I was in my college days. In fact, I'm more of a health freak the last few years; organic foods, lots of raw fruits and veggies, I do eat meat, but I stay away from coffee, soda, fast foods, etc.
Hahahahaha, don't think for a minute a healthy diet will stave off severe depression. It doesn't at all. Things can happen in a person's life that just triggers a shutdown, a part of you just breaks. And then you have to try to put the pieces back together as best you can. But back to the story, after my event, I turned to two things. Cigarettes and walking.
And walking. I'm talking some days walking for 8 hours through the city. Like Cain walking the Earth. I probably know the city better than the cab drivers. And no matter how hard I try, I never get lost on the streets. I have great 3d spatial sense, and have never once gotten lost, even when i have tried to get lost here. I must have seen every single shop in this place, every restaurant, every store, etc.
And then there's cigarettes. Many people smoke for several reasons, to relieve boredom, pain, or anxiety. I have been telling myself since I started again I wanted to quit. But every time I ran out of cigarettes, I found an excuse to buy another pack, usually I would start thinking about my pain, and I knew cigarettes were the only pain reliever I knew of that helps.
This cycle went on the last 7 months. Wasting money polluting my lungs. Destroying my health deliberately, a part of me so depressed, I just wanted to die, actually praying for death. I coward's way out, but how much bad luck can a soul take before they finally lose all their faith, their belief in anything, and just get to a point where they say, "God, if you won't let me live, then let me die."
Depression can be a downward spiral equivalent to feeling like you're stuck in a toilet that is flushing. You just feel yourself going down and down and down, and though you have prayed for help, even though you have taken action, even though a part of you continues to HOPE, the rest of you just goes, "What the ****? What is wrong with me? Can my luck and my fate really suck that bad?"
I decided I needed to start somewhere. I put down cigarettes 7 days ago. And its been a ride through the darkest regions of hell. My problems are still here, of course. I have no real mask for them now. Nothing to mask the pain when it hits, and let me tell you, it's been hitting hard. Christmas and these days were terrible, with no one to spend them with. And I mean no one. My family is thousands of miles from here. I'm in a foreign country where I only half understand the language. And the reasons I originally came here are no longer warrant, as that part has been lost.
Just thinking about it brings tears. Last night was a doozy, too. I cried for about an hour, until the pain subsided. And I wanted to run out to the store and buy cigarettes, but I didn't. I toughed it out. Even though I laid in bed, shaking. Other times I just have to get out of this apartment and walk, as I get all claustrophobic and twitchy. Christmas hurt like hell, Christmas Eve hurt like hell, and my birthday (December 23) hurt like hell too.
But I figure, this pain has to pass. It cannot last forever, even though it has been sharp for 7 months. Razor sharp on some days. I thought for sure most of it would have subsided by now. But it hasn't. Of course, I thought some of these situations would have been remedied by now, but they haven't either.
2012 was real ****** year. The ugliest year of my life. I lost way too much this year, but nothing hurts as much as losing my faith. My faith in humanity, my faith in fate, and my faith in the law of attraction and the powers of intention. Philosophies i put belief in, were shattered amongst the rocks, along with many other things.
So, anyway. 7 days without a cigarette. It's been a long week. I spent alot of time in bed this week, just trying to sleep the worst of this away. Or out walking the city streets, or working on the computer doing what i can to distract my thoughts.
I don't know why I picked the lowest most painful time to quit smoking. I could have done it earlier or later, not in the middle of a cold winter a few days before my birthday, knowing that this week would be ugly enough. But I seemed to have quit at the most rock-bottom pain-filled moment of my life. And I will do my best to get through every day without smoking, and finally get around to facing this pain. I hope that quitting cigarettes was a step in the right direction, and can act as a catalyst to get me finding myself again.
But I thought this post would be a good chance to open up and start spilling the beans. I fell into a huge period of depression about 7 months ago. But that is another story for another post. I'm not ready to talk about the cause, only the effect. Let's just say that at that turning point in my life, the only things that would relieve the pain were cigarettes and walking. After the event in my life, I quickly dove into cigarettes. I had smoked on and off for many years, with many off periods lasting years in themselves. But before 7 months ago, I was pretty cleaned out. In fact, at that time, in one of the most healthiest physical periods of my life. I stopped smoking pot years ago, never was a drinker, hadn't touched a hard drug like cocaine or acid or mushrooms since I was in my college days. In fact, I'm more of a health freak the last few years; organic foods, lots of raw fruits and veggies, I do eat meat, but I stay away from coffee, soda, fast foods, etc.
Hahahahaha, don't think for a minute a healthy diet will stave off severe depression. It doesn't at all. Things can happen in a person's life that just triggers a shutdown, a part of you just breaks. And then you have to try to put the pieces back together as best you can. But back to the story, after my event, I turned to two things. Cigarettes and walking.
And walking. I'm talking some days walking for 8 hours through the city. Like Cain walking the Earth. I probably know the city better than the cab drivers. And no matter how hard I try, I never get lost on the streets. I have great 3d spatial sense, and have never once gotten lost, even when i have tried to get lost here. I must have seen every single shop in this place, every restaurant, every store, etc.
And then there's cigarettes. Many people smoke for several reasons, to relieve boredom, pain, or anxiety. I have been telling myself since I started again I wanted to quit. But every time I ran out of cigarettes, I found an excuse to buy another pack, usually I would start thinking about my pain, and I knew cigarettes were the only pain reliever I knew of that helps.
This cycle went on the last 7 months. Wasting money polluting my lungs. Destroying my health deliberately, a part of me so depressed, I just wanted to die, actually praying for death. I coward's way out, but how much bad luck can a soul take before they finally lose all their faith, their belief in anything, and just get to a point where they say, "God, if you won't let me live, then let me die."
Depression can be a downward spiral equivalent to feeling like you're stuck in a toilet that is flushing. You just feel yourself going down and down and down, and though you have prayed for help, even though you have taken action, even though a part of you continues to HOPE, the rest of you just goes, "What the ****? What is wrong with me? Can my luck and my fate really suck that bad?"
I decided I needed to start somewhere. I put down cigarettes 7 days ago. And its been a ride through the darkest regions of hell. My problems are still here, of course. I have no real mask for them now. Nothing to mask the pain when it hits, and let me tell you, it's been hitting hard. Christmas and these days were terrible, with no one to spend them with. And I mean no one. My family is thousands of miles from here. I'm in a foreign country where I only half understand the language. And the reasons I originally came here are no longer warrant, as that part has been lost.
Just thinking about it brings tears. Last night was a doozy, too. I cried for about an hour, until the pain subsided. And I wanted to run out to the store and buy cigarettes, but I didn't. I toughed it out. Even though I laid in bed, shaking. Other times I just have to get out of this apartment and walk, as I get all claustrophobic and twitchy. Christmas hurt like hell, Christmas Eve hurt like hell, and my birthday (December 23) hurt like hell too.
But I figure, this pain has to pass. It cannot last forever, even though it has been sharp for 7 months. Razor sharp on some days. I thought for sure most of it would have subsided by now. But it hasn't. Of course, I thought some of these situations would have been remedied by now, but they haven't either.
2012 was real ****** year. The ugliest year of my life. I lost way too much this year, but nothing hurts as much as losing my faith. My faith in humanity, my faith in fate, and my faith in the law of attraction and the powers of intention. Philosophies i put belief in, were shattered amongst the rocks, along with many other things.
So, anyway. 7 days without a cigarette. It's been a long week. I spent alot of time in bed this week, just trying to sleep the worst of this away. Or out walking the city streets, or working on the computer doing what i can to distract my thoughts.
I don't know why I picked the lowest most painful time to quit smoking. I could have done it earlier or later, not in the middle of a cold winter a few days before my birthday, knowing that this week would be ugly enough. But I seemed to have quit at the most rock-bottom pain-filled moment of my life. And I will do my best to get through every day without smoking, and finally get around to facing this pain. I hope that quitting cigarettes was a step in the right direction, and can act as a catalyst to get me finding myself again.
