A Stupid Thread

[SophiaGrace]

This is going to be a stupid thread because no one could ever possibly understand what I am about to write. ^_^

It's ******* stupid, believe me.

Right now, I have homework to do and I should be doing it but i'm too paralyzed with anxiety to do it. Why am I anxious? because it is due tomorrow and I dont want to do it. (this is called lazinesssssss). But I get anxious because I think about the consequences of not doing it.

This happens to me every semester.

It's a stupid problem. That doesnt seem to go away.

The only reason why I ever do my homework is because I have to do it. Not because I enjoy it, not at all. I hate my homework. I hate doing it even though a part of me knows that in the long-run it'll bring me fulfillment.

Believe me I've tried to tell myself that I am trading a short-term gain (enjoyment) over a long term gain (fulfillment). It doesnt seem to work.

And you know what? Every time this happens, when I become anxious, when I dont do my homework. I begin to hate myself. I hate myself...I hate myself...

I really do hate myself.

See, no one can understand how much pain this causes me.

I used to be an honors student and I dont know what the **** happened. . I'm just shitting on myself over and over again.

It's pretty much taken away my self-esteem. The girl who used to get good grades is now just ******* lazy.

^_^

And you know what, I've stuck around wishing and hoping that I'd change. That hey maybe I could actually do better, but hey, I'm not.

And it ******* kills me inside. ^_^

If I were to do my homework now it would just be to make the anxiety go away, the self-hatred go away. Not because I enjoyed my studies.

I wish there was a way to enjoy my work instead of loathing it. Instead of attaching my whole self-worth to it. Instead of...

I dont know.

This thread is incoherent because I wrote it while anxious. I"m sorry.

It truely is stupid and I'm probably not going to get many replies and i'm certainly not going to expect that whatever someone says to me in this thread will offer me a magical fix that will make all my self-loathing, laziness,anxiety,depression **** go away. No. I know that whatever someone tells me (if they tell me anything) will be something that will require work. After all, this is my life and I have to want to change things to feel better.

 

[Obsidian]

After reading this "stupid" thread many times over (I even read it backwards a couple of times in an attept to find a possible hidden message!) and also having brought back some of the greatest philosophers from throughout history from beyond death (they were not amused ) to ask them for advice I've come to the conclusion that it's about... homework? Or something like that? I also happened to catch "magic fix" somewhere in there, which is a phrase that I like very much. If I ever happen to find such a thing (that actually works) I will definitely share it with you and we can both be... uh, magically happy (?) for the rest of our lives!

Sorry for the stupid and silly repsonse. I hope that someone else comes along and and writes something that actually has some meaning.

Take care!

 

[Spare]

You are describing me when I made my ill-fated first attempt at college nine years ago. I felt the exact same way and did the exact same things, only far, far worse. Sure, I had homework anxiety. It wasn't enough to make me actually DO my homework, though. I failed a whole bunch of classes, got incompletes (a despicable attendance record is to be thanked for this) on most of the rest of them, and have ended up with an absolute train wreck of a transcript. My biggest regret of a whole slew of regrets is not applying myself in college the first time around.

Fast forward to an older, wiser (though not truly wise) man, and I'm back in college, paying my comeuppance for my slothful post-high school youth. But being the older and wiser man that I am, I can now recognize that I was not ready for college the first time around. I still had some growing up to do. Now I'm back in college, and am in the midst my second semester, all the while quite easily maintaining straight A's. I am now, finally and at long last, more than ready for the responsibility of college.

I don't like my studies, either. I'd rather be doing just about anything than my homework. But having lived degree-less in the adult world for a time, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have found the proper motivation to be successful in my studies. To quote a highly irrelevant movie, "the juice is worth the squeeze".

That all being said, I would encourage you to NOT do as I have done by waiting until you near the dreadful age of thirty to find the will to apply yourself to your education. It's bloody hard to go back to school after such a long time. Take my word for it!

Good luck!

 

[Haven]

your problem reminds me of when I was in high school. I Often did the same thing and felt the same way. I always procrastinate till the last minute.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Sophia, do your homework.

 

[Punisher]

Homework (twitch)

 

[Minus]

Sophia, do your homework.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ok...I was reading about procastination and stuff like that.

It actaully works....so I was like Errr wtf???
Instead of needing to do your home work....make another list of things you need to do....like washing your clothe,
cleaning you desk, having a serious conversation with your lover.hahahaaa Make those your #1 priority.

It's sounds retadred I know...but I had a simular challenge with procastinations.
I actaully followed the suggestion. There where stuff that I really needed to get done, but I never do them or wait until the last minute.
but by making a list of other task that needs to get done as a priority. I simplity didn't do the stuff that was on my priorty list
and did the other stuff that I was putting off.hahahaaaaaa

Seriously..I observed myself doing that.

Oh SG..don't hate yourself no matter what. We must never condem yourselves.
You are not your behaviors. You have behavior patterns. You can ulter your behaviors pattern or habits.
You dislike the circumstance or results of you're behaviors. You have the power to change your behavior patterns or habits.
You might go through withdraws of the changes as you adjust.
It's not anymore then having to adjust to different wake up hours or sleeping hours. We're creature of habits...you know that.

 

[Drama]

Honestly I understand you cuz i'm living it right now!

 

[kelbo]

You are definitely NOT stupid. My entire life at college (and the reason I managed to actually pass) was based around 'THE FEAR' - which is basically when you leave your work until the night before it is due in, then get crazily anxious about it - then have to madly rush it. Which then makes you feel like utter ****, makes you lose sleep, probably not eat or look after yourself BUT you get to hand in some work at least.

I think if you keep doing this, like I did, you are definitely not going to enjoy your work. I used to HAVE to have 'THE FEAR' for me to even get motivated to do my work, but if you can somehow prepare for essays way beforehand, or make a plan of action in regards to your work - then definitely start doing that.

Doing your work in bitesize chunks will definitely make it seem more managable and if you feel you are achieving/getting it done, then you are more likely to enjoy it.

Stress isn't enjoyable, so don't leave it to the last minute every time.

Good luck chick and I hope you feel better soon.