Absolutely bamboozled!

[monkeysocks]

Walley is right, it also depends on a persons mind set.

If someone is really shy it could just be a source of insecurity, to which she expects you to cut through the brambles to sleeping beauty's castle to prove your honour.

If you know anything about her background or if she has recently broken up with someone it might give you a clue to what is going on.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

If you know anything about her background or if she has recently broken up with someone it might give you a clue to what is going on.

I don't believe she's had a guy in her life before, though I don't know for sure.

Saw her today, she treated me as if I'd never sent a message. I wonder if she didn't get it? But I feel too awkward to ask.

I fear that kind of uncertainty showed in me being a bit quiet and less "friendly" today. I just felt really unsure of what's going on. *Sigh*

 

[monkeysocks]

I once dated someone who started out as a friend - our romantic liason began after several platonic meetings, then one nite when we went to a club and at the end of the night we had 'the slow smooch dance' - so it wasn't done in words or awkward situations. Basically a dance and a kiss.

Christmas is coming, always brings out the romance in people.

Perhaps she didn't get your message. Was she pleased to see you ? did you make any future arrangements ?

Perhaps you should have asked if she got your the message.

Not fair on you can see the situation is like someone dangling a carrot you don't know if you are allowed to bite.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I once dated someone who started out as a friend - our romantic liason began after several platonic meetings, then one nite when we went to a club and at the end of the night we had 'the slow smooch dance' - so it wasn't done in words or awkward situations. Basically a dance and a kiss.

Christmas is coming, always brings out the romance in people.

Perhaps she didn't get your message. Was she pleased to see you ? did you make any future arrangements ?

Perhaps you should have asked if she got your the message.

Not fair on you can see the situation is like someone dangling a carrot you don't know if you are allowed to bite.

A dance and a kiss sounds terrific, that must've been pretty good?

Err, we didn't talk much actually. It was weird. I think it was more awkward on my part because I didn't want to be too friendly if she wasn't keen on meeting up with me.

I feel like I should talk to her about it, but this is the kind of territory where I start to feel like some sort of Ogre.

Anything beyond small talk is pretty much out of my understanding, I'm really terrible at making the small talk --> date transition. I'd love to kiss this girl, but I can't imagine it even getting to that point to be honest

 

[monkeysocks]

I know its not a nice predicament to be in, went through this for ages before the dance !

At one point I gave up and was arranging to go on a date with someone else, I think that was what prompted action.

Small talk is even harder when we are under nervous anticipation. Something has been keeping you alive in this, is it signals from her or wishful thinking ? Don't let lack of confidence sway you to the latter of those two scenarios.

Its either ponder, bite the bullet and ask, or be ingenious.

Buy a sprig of mistletoe and make a joke of it - then if you don't get the reaction you want you can laugh it off

Humour hides a vast range of awkward circumstances.

 

[Tealeaf]

I feel like I should talk to her about it, but this is the kind of territory where I start to feel like some sort of Ogre.

There's really nothing wrong or ugly about what you've posted here. They're normal people thoughts and normal people feelings, albeit ones that are shy and afraid. Whatever you choose to try, don't let those thoughts get to you.

 

[Walley]

thinking is your enemy.
try not to think too much.
in the words of my master.. yoda. there is no try. there is do or do not.
if you think about trying you will most likely fail to make an attempt.
clear your mind and open your mouth and resist the temptation to resist.

you seem to be overly concerned with making it clear that you're interested in her until you are certain that she will reciprocate.
but you shouldnt play that game. it just makes you lose oppurotunities.

i will use my wife as an example.
when we met it was among a crowd. a group of friends that numbered maybe a dozen of us. she is french and barely spoke a word of english while i knew no french.. so our communication was severely limited.
i started falling for her and over the period of a few months started thinking i may have a chance based on our interactions and vibes i thought i felt. until one day i couldnt hold it back any longer and basically told her how i felt during a long phone conversation.
well it turned out that she wasnt on the same page at all and i surprised her and she hadnt thought of me in that way...
but. her friend encouraged her and simply because i brought it to her attention.. she desided to give me a chance.
27years later we are still together.
moral of the story?
take the chance. because she may not even realise yet that you could be the one.
take no chance? then you have no chance.
dont wait for her to come to you.

 

[monkeysocks]

Thanks a really good story Walley - I am pleased for you.

You're right there is nothing to lose by doing - but more to lose by doing nothing.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Called her. It was suddenly really awkward and I hung up after a short, stilted "conversation". Apparently she's just busy, so busy that she didn't think to just text me in 5 days to simply say that. Or even just say she didn't want to go when she saw me in person (which would be fine).

Feel totally disorientated/disheartened at present. I have no idea why she was so keen on being around me a mere week ago, to this kind of frosty, painfully awkward interaction we had today. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I just don't understand the way girls treat me at all. I'm so sick of being treated poorly by women who flirt with me. Now, I don't mean that at all as a generalisation of all women. I just never seem to meet ones that appreciate me, ever.

So far I've had:

1. A girl who spent weeks randomly sitting next to me and pushing her legs against mine...but wanted me as just a "friend" when I asked what on Earth she was doing.

2. A lady who littered every conversation with me with strong innuendo, told me she found me attractive and kept snuggling up to me. She never bothered to meet me outside work when we arranged it, despite saying over and over that she wanted to.

3. A woman who told me she felt "really safe" around me, told me I'd make a great boyfriend (without any kind of prompting!) and yet otherwise showed zero romantic interest in me.

And now:

4. A girl who actually asks to be around me and says she's happy to go somewhere with me...only to then not bother replying at all when I ask if she's still cool with it. Then I phone up and end up feeling like a creep for merely inquiring about it.

I'm not sure how people, y'know, actually kiss and stuff. That's just absolutely lightyears beyond me, there's a big glass wall in front of me. But then, I'm not even sure I want to be close with people who screw with my feelings like this.

*Sigh*. I'm really sorry, this is such a negative post. Just so ****ing tired of this whole cycle. If I was a horrible person, really shallow or completely unconcerned about my own appearance I could understand it a bit better perhaps?

Every single time I think I've finally met someone that really likes me for me, someone that seems genuinely nice, it's the same old ******** of me running in circles for someone's perverse amusement.

 

[kamya]

Having bad luck. I guess you keep running into fickle women. Frustrating mhmm. Can't do much about it but try again with someone else.

 

[monkeysocks]

I am sorry to hear this, however you have done the right thing by contacting her, because you have done all you can.

There could be a reason that is nothing to do with you and something going on with her, but understand how it has made you feel.

If it was me , I would leave it now and put that person mentally on a shelf labelled - 'inconclusive' and leave your options open. Didn't you say there were a few other opportunities with other girls ? Start to branch as well.

Doing nothing may prompt her to contact you, but prepare yourself that it could be for either scenario.

If it turns out she does just want to be friends, I know that may make you feel rejected, but her company as a friend could lead to meeting new people, so still be valuable to you.

Please don't let these experiences make you fear the same again. It seems you have had a run of bad luck.

When you meet the right person you won't be asking ruminating for long, whether it is going to happen or not - it will happen.

Always remember you have alarm bells for a reason.

Keep the faith Solitaryman - you deserve someone nice.

And don't let anyone's past or present's selfish attitude make you feel unworthy.

It looks to me like quite possibly ''you just haven't met her yet'

YOU WILL as long as you don't close your mind to the possibility that it will happen. So don't rule her in or out at this juncture - just look after your own happiness.

 

[Walley]

^^ ya. what she said.

also dont discount her own possible social anxiety? you said she was shy too right? maybe she feels as awkward as you and her actions dont fully represent her feelings?
right now just be cool and see what happens. as i mentioned in my story about how i got my wife to go out with me, it wasnt a story book transition and she acted funny and made me confused and feeling like you do right now! i kid you not.
it took a few days for her to come around and then still more time to realise her feelings.
it may not be over quite yet.
and worse comes to worst at least you can say you made an attempt and put yourself out there. and it gets easier each time you do that. until eventually one sticks

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

^^ ya. what she said.

also dont discount her own possible social anxiety? you said she was shy too right? maybe she feels as awkward as you and her actions dont fully represent her feelings?
right now just be cool and see what happens. as i mentioned in my story about how i got my wife to go out with me, it wasnt a story book transition and she acted funny and made me confused and feeling like you do right now! i kid you not.
it took a few days for her to come around and then still more time to realise her feelings.
it may not be over quite yet.
and worse comes to worst at least you can say you made an attempt and put yourself out there. and it gets easier each time you do that. until eventually one sticks

Thanks walley (and monkeysocks!). Appreciate the input

Interestingly, there's another sweet girl that's been paying me a fair bit of attention recently, I think I will get to know her better and put things on hold with Girl A for now.

Girl A seems to go out of her way to be with me when I pay her less attention (goodness knows why!), so perhaps I'll gather more information about what she's thinking if I lay off a bit.

It's frustrating, I can think of 3 other girls at present that clearly show some kind of interest in me. 1 stated in casual conversation that has a boyfriend yet still flirts quite heavily with me, so that's awkward. She even asked me to a movie last time I saw her!

2 others are attractive, but aren't really right for me (much more romantic experience, very different views/values).

The one I want to go out with (and felt most at ease with) has now suddenly flipped to the one girl I have no clue about. I don't understand why I'm either beset by girls that aren't my cup of tea right now, or totally left cold by girls I really like... :rolleyes2:

 

[monkeysocks]

You sound happier though !

yes watch the flirters, some do it just for vanity.

Glad you have someone else in mind.

 

[Goodmorningamerica]

I remember when I still had that 'friend' many years ago:

'Ok then see you then... ohh and by the way [name]'s coming as well'

'Sounds good to me. See you later' Translation: Thank you so ******* much!

 

[Wessik]

She wants you. First dates tend to be with multiple girls, as she needs back up in case you are some sort of serial killer. So don't worry. Go to the movie, and just stay the course.

 

[Tealeaf]

She wants you. First dates tend to be with multiple girls, as she needs back up in case you are some sort of serial killer. So don't worry. Go to the movie, and just stay the course.

This is the first I've heard of it... at least now that my friends and I aren't 14.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I "think" some times, some girls/women use men to raise their self esteem. And if you have feelings, when you don't confront them on these emotions, it's an easy fix or pick me up for them. As long as nobody talks about what is really going on, it's okay to have a little flirtatious fun, and such.

I think it's a difficult situation. There are all kinds of levels of casual flirting, some do it more than others. It's kind of like sex without the mess, in a way, if you think about it. Ultimately, though, if you feel for some one on a deeper level, it's your responsibility to do something about it. Unfortunately doing so can be risky, what you have currently may seem nice, and you may not want to risk losing that.

I think some times if you are waiting for a ride and it hasn't showed up after 30 minutes, it's better to move on so you don't miss the bus.

Relationships and how they form can be very hit or miss. Some times people that are madly in love with each other, due to certain circumstances, like passing ships in the sea, end up going in different directions.

This certain situation to, though, sounds very like you are being used to boost self esteem. Which, some people like being used, but ultimately, there comes a time when one must move on from such things.

That's just my take on the situation, though. Some times we don't want to be with some one, but we don't want that some one to be with anyone else either, heh.

The human animal is a strange creature. Good luck Solitary!

I think when you really start clicking with some one, you spend less time obsessing/worrying about things because they are too buisy clicking and forming a direction of their own, as opposed to what you might imagine/worry about in absence of any working knowledge on where things are going.