Actually I am Not Worth It

[AFrozenSoul]

You know, I often times wonder about people. So many people out there tell me that I need to go out there and try to change and fix myself. Then I am stuck with the realization that it is all a matter or perception. I mean, why am I the one who is broken? So many people like to talk about fate. However, fate is only convenient when it does not justify suicide. Like my recently adopted idea that if life was worth living. That is the experience I would have had with life. It is hard to refute that kind of thinking. I mean yeah sure people will throw out "It wasn't meant to be" if you get dumped by a girl you really like or if you do not get a job you really want or if you are to slow to get something. However, the moment I say "I wasn't meant to be happy" people go off the deep end talking about how fate is crap.

Well I am sticking to that. I mean it allows me to justify not changing anything. Yes I know that people will tell me if I do not do anything then nothing will change. However, I have to wonder why do I have to do anything? I mean why do I have to work to conform to the world around me? Why can't the world work for me? I mean if I am so wrong why doesn't someone come in and try and change me? After all, I am clearly broken. So if it is so wrong for me to be broken. Why don't you fix me? I just do not get it to be honest.

Everyone will tell me I am broken. Everyone will tell me I need to be fixed. Yet no one wants to fix me. All the fixing has to fall to me. Why is that, I mean if you think that fixing me would be a good thing. Why can't you put forth a little effort to fix me? No the fixing always comes to me. You need to go out and fix yourself. That is all I am ever told. People never want to put forth the effort into fixing me. So why would I want to put forth effort into fixing myself? I mean if I was really worth it like everyone says. Why not fix that something that is worth it? It is kind of funny to think about it.

I mean people tell me I am worth it. Well I must not be worth much because no one wants to put forth the effort to try and fix me. They tell me that I am worth it and that I need to change. However, no one wants to help me. They all tell me that the change has to come from me. What they are really telling me is that I am actually worthless. Because if I was worth it. Then people would want to change me. They would want to fix me. However, they all hide behind the shield of "The change has to come from you".

So at the end of the day. I can see myself as worthless. I can see everyone as lying to me... you know because if I was worth the effort then they would want to make the effort. However, I am not worth the effort so clearly I am not worth anything. So I am going to relish my new job. Where I can stay inside all day and only come out for food and the gym. Even then, the food will end up being very few because I plan on cooking at home as often as I come. Then I will sit back and laugh at all those people who tell me things will start to look up. I will laugh until the day I kill myself.

 

[In a lonely place]

Everyone will tell me I am broken. Everyone will tell me I need to be fixed. Yet no one wants to fix me. All the fixing has to fall to me. Why is that, I mean if you think that fixing me would be a good thing. Why can't you put forth a little effort to fix me? No the fixing always comes to me. You need to go out and fix yourself. That is all I am ever told. People never want to put forth the effort into fixing me. So why would I want to put forth effort into fixing myself? I mean if I was really worth it like everyone says. Why not fix that something that is worth it? It is kind of funny to think about it.

Maybe you are right and everyone else is wrong and yes someone should 'fix' you. But the world is sometimes a cruel place and it doesn't happen.

That doesn't mean you should give up on yourself or on others.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@In a lonely place: I have to ask why I shouldn't just give up on a world that sits around and lies to me to ease its own guilty soul? As far as I see people are Just covering their own *****. That way when I do kill myself. They can say they tried. You know while secretly wondering when I will actually do it so they can move onto forgetting about me.

 

[Limlim]

They might be referring to it as a physical impossibility to change another person rather than a lack of desire to when they say you're the one that has to do the change.

I mean, do you know how to change a person? I sure as hell don't. We have less control over others lives than our own.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Limlim: True, however, they could be more of an outside force in my life.

 

[Sci-Fi]

What happened? I thought you were doing well?

We can only change ourselves, like Limlim said, it's hard to try and change another person.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Sci-Fi: Uhh... Well let's just say that was all a lie.... Yeah any progress that I might have appeared to be making was all big mocking act.

Well there is nothing to fix in my eyes. So why should I fix or change anything?

 

[In a lonely place]

@In a lonely place: I have to ask why I shouldn't just give up on a world that sits around and lies to me to ease its own guilty soul? As far as I see people are Just covering their own *****. That way when I do kill myself. They can say they tried. You know while secretly wondering when I will actually do it so they can move onto forgetting about me.

Please don't think like that, the world is screwed up, so people take it out on others and the others take it out on someone else and so it goes on and on. Fix it and end the cycle.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@In a lonely place: Aren't I ending the cycle? I mean all I am doing is wasting space on some unknown forum. I am not going out and actively looking for people to hurt. I am just staying in my home and being angry and playing video games.

 

[In a lonely place]

@In a lonely place: Aren't I ending the cycle? I mean all I am doing is wasting space on some unknown forum. I am not going out and actively looking for people to hurt. I am just staying in my home and being angry and playing video games.

That's what I did for a few years, just play games on my computer and shut out everyone I didn't agree with and my world got smaller and smaller and sadder and sadder. After a while I asked someone for help because I was getting so panicky and desperate and they responded. They might not have done and I might not be here now. Maybe I was lucky.
I don't know, I haven't got all the answers, but look at your sig.

Lonesome Crow wouldn't think he was a waste of space. I think he's a fighter.
I'm not much of a fighter, more a worker, I just work my bollocks off trying to make things right and maybe I get dumped on now and again, but usually I sleep well at night. What are you?

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@In a lonely place: Aren't I ending the cycle? I mean all I am doing is wasting space on some unknown forum. I am not going out and actively looking for people to hurt. I am just staying in my home and being angry and playing video games.

That's what I did for a few years, just play games on my computer and shut out everyone I didn't agree with and my world got smaller and smaller and sadder and sadder. After a while I asked someone for help because I was getting so panicky and desperate and they responded. They might not have done and I might not be here now. Maybe I was lucky.
I don't know, I haven't got all the answers, but look at your sig.

Lonesome Crow wouldn't think he was a waste of space. I think he's a fighter.
I'm not much of a fighter, more a worker, I just work my bollocks off trying to make things right and maybe I get dumped on now and again, but usually I sleep well at night. What are you?

I guess my point is that I am so lucky that I get to work from home. So I can litereally only leave my apartment for an hour a day most days. I guess it would be longer. However, I will be walking by myself so I do not count it. I will have a roommate, but he thinks that all people who are suicidal should just do it. So I do not bother him. After another 2 years or so I will tell him I want to live by myself again. Then that will be the end of me having anyone. Lucky for me by then my cat will be old and getting close to dying. Then I can kill myself.

I really need to clean up my signatures... I do not believe the crap I put in a lot of them.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Sometimes I revert.
But My dominate thought is ...that I'm worth it.
Sometimes old negative **** will creep in...(it's natural as you're making changes).

K....
I made recordings of positive stuff about myself and listen to it over and over again.
Corning stuff like that but I do foot work as such.
People suggests reading positive messages on 3x5 cards and stuff like that in the past.
I've never applied that...so how in the heck would I know that works or not.
It's positive affirmations stuff.

Yeah...I'm fixing me. Work on me..... whatever you wanna term it.

Honestly Ive been going through a lot of sutff lately.
Sometimes I feel like Ive been knocked on my fucken ass.
There's a part of me that gets back up and the other part dont really wanna deal
with any of this living stuff anymore. Those thoughts and feelings passes.

I do know I love Renae very much. it also means I love myself lots too.
Renae loves me very very much...but our relationship and lives arnt so perfect.
So as I'm going through all of this....I'm still learning and growning as a person.
Different ideas come to me....from different source.
So I'm applying this concept or teaching...that's overlaps in alot of things I've learned
in the past.

I cant compair myself with anyone. My emotions are kindda mooshed sometimes
becuase of the many life experinces I've lived through.
Negative thoughts and feelings still creeps into my consious everyday.
I simply use that as guiding to reshift/pivet my focus to positive thoughts and feelings.
I just focus on Renae's love for me. My love for her.
Anything positive that I can fill my mind and heart with.
My life depends on it. My love and relationship with Renae depends on it. Our children depends
on it. I cant sink or check out no matter how hard it might be sometimes.
Renae cant fix me. Her love comforts me and ease my pains.
I'm grateful for that.
Never the less...It is I that must stand up as a person or a man.
It's like being a Pheonix....
I arrise from ashes...from a lake of fire

Seriously...Kimi and Renae holds me accountiable. No mother fucken excuses.

---

Its actually a very simple teaching. Aligning myself with my higher self, higher power, spirit, god
or whatever the **** term you wanna use.

I'm complete, perfect, whole, happy, beautiful already. ( my spirit or higher self)
My spirit wants me to prosper or express that...( feel good )
There two end of the sticks...positive and negative.
My focus or attention would be what I percieive through negative or positive....
Kind da like the little angle sitting on one sholder and devil sitting on the other (im not religious).
My FREEWILL or CHIOCE..is to chose. Feel good (positive) or feel like **** ( negative )
Common sense tells me feeling good is what I would rather feel.
Positve begets more positive....
So it's deciplining/retraining my mind to chose positve.
Even if outside circumstance might not be to my liking.
I simply must choose to go positive NO MATTER WHAT.
NEGATIVE brings me PainS and SUFFERNING.
Perception or awearness...whatever terms you wanna use.
Couple that with ITS A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY....
Somewhere, somehow...good things are going to be drawn to me.....

You read of all the negative **** on this forum and how negative **** draws to that....NO?
It's neutraul or it's universal law.

I'm not a fucken rocket scientist...but somewhere in my thick skull...I ma going positive.lol

Some suggestions of generating positive thoughts and feelings.
Gradtitude list
And appriciation list (something new for me)
Being appriciative puts me in the state/point of fullfliing already.
It's actaully helping me...When I say I'm appriciative of Renae's love for me.
I actually feel her love and my love for her more.

I cant compair myself to anyone else....I had PTSD. I lived through abused and all kinds of violence.
Emotionally my emotions were mooshed or I felt disconnected from life and everything in it.
Having had experinced truamma and dramma in my life...there where a lot of negative **** that got recorded in my mind.
Damaged goods, broken or whatever the **** you wanna label me..
But I simply cant play the victim anymore or be reactive to life anymore Or blame anymore.
There's plenty of blame to go around and it's all just a pissing contest with lots of negative ****,
which makes me feel bad and everyone that's involve in my life feels bad.
I cant live like that. I wish to not live or feel like that anymore.
It's up to me...it's my life.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You write your own life story, OP.

You might want to give up. But I guarantee you, there are people in your life that would hate it if you did.

 

[blackdot]

AFrozenSoul> You don't want other people to "fix" you.

I used to be happy with how my life was. Then sometime after college some people I knew on the internet wanted to "fix" me and get me to want to date. In the process of "fixing" me, they ended up breaking me. Then they got pissed off that they made things horrible and that was not the way they had planned on things being. So they in turn stopped talking to me since I was now broken and I couldn't magically go back to the way I was before hand. Back when I was happy and fun to be around.

Not only that but other people's ideas are usually wrong. If you are relying on other people to tell you what to do, then nothing will get done because the advise you get is usually wrong. Unfortunately if you don't have any idea how to get whatever it is you want, then you are screwed. You have to depend on either your like of knowledge or everyone else's bad ideas.

I look at it as: doing nothing keeps things the same but doing something just makes things worse.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You can't blame other people because you didn't have a backbone to tell them to leave you be. You had that choice.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@LeaningintoTheMuse: So I fail to see any incentive to keep going? I mean no one likes me as it stands. So if I give up and kill myself. Then I do not have to deal with those people. Who will hate me even more just for giving up. So, if anything you are making giving up seem like the right idea.

@blackdot:My point was that so many people have told me I am worth while. If I was really that worth while they could expend a few calories to try and manipulate things and thoughts a bit to help me see what they see as better. To be honest I would rather be in your situation and be broken by others. Than to have everyone sit around and lie to me about how wonderful and awesome I could be. Then just leave it at that. At least then you know those people genuinely believed enough in you to try.

However, I do agree, doing nothing keeps things on the same path. I am walking down that path. Right to my own suicide. Though I try to not think about that too much. Because it makes me want to do it sooner rather than later.

@VanillaCreme: My problem is not with people trying to change me. Everyone tells me how suicide is wrong and how I am wrong about females and relationships. However, no one actually cares enough to try and prove me wrong. They are all talk. That is it, nothing but talk. As such, they prove to me that I should have hanged myself 5 years ago.

 

[blackdot]

AFrozenSoul> I get that a lot. People saying I am such a great person. That any woman would love to be be with me. That there is nothing wrong with me.
Then I ask why I can't find anyone or how to improve things and they quickly run away.
Most people would rather give a "compliment" and say they tried to help rather than actually help.

I'm currently fighting like crazy to get off the same path I have been on. Unfortunately I'm stuck on it. Like you, that path looks to be to an early death from loneliness.
Hey, maybe you'll catch up to me on the path and we can push each other off at the last second.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Of course people are going to run away when it comes to helping set someone up. If it all goes bad they could possibly lose the friend they hook you up with and also have you mad at them if it doesn't work out. It's more of a lose/lose situation for people. There is the chance that if they hook you up with someone it will be a fairy tail and everyone lives happily ever after. But that chance to people is a lot more slim, so better to just run away and live to fight another day than make more enemies. It's not so much that they may not want to but they are scared to.

Anyways, why should someone have to set another person up that's too scared to attempt it themselves. I don't expect nor have I ever asked anyone I know to set me up with someone. I will not go there. If I can't do it myself then I deserve to be alone.

 

[blackdot]

no, i don't mean they are to set me up. I would run if someone tried to set me up. no one has any idea what I am looking for in a person.
I'm talking about just having an idea how to date or where to find someone to date. Things like that.

People say i should go out there and find someone since I am wonderful. When I ask where I am supposed to go or how to actually date, that's when they run. They don't have answers. They just wanted to throw out a few fake compliments so they can tell themselves that they tried.


I'm still waiting on a reply back from the person I went out with Friday. Seemed like it went well which naturally means she won't want to talk again if it's like all the rest.

 

[Limlim]

@Frozen
Have you asked any of them to help you outright?