Advice?

[SpectraApocalypse]

Anyone have any advice on how not to be attracted romantically/sexually to people? I dont feel like I have the ability to make someone like me let alone love me.. so I dont want to have feelings for people who dont know me and probably dont want that from me.

 

[Siku]

It's complicated and subjective to everyone. Some love/are attracted to a person who is very loving, some love a person who is charismatic or makes them laugh, etc. And sadly... some are shallow and love looks and having an accessory. It differs.

You just have to find that person who sees you. Which means you have to put yourself out there. Figure out your strengths. Don't fabricate anything or change anything about yourself. Hell, you might even find someone whom is on a similar wavelength as you right now and is feeling lonely and you may find out you both have a lot of things in common.

Either way, the point being, you have to walk out from the darkness in order to be seen. No one can see you in the dark.

I think everyone is capable of loving and being loved. Just the world and time and time again being alone has a good way of making us feel like we're unlove-able.

Rejection sucks, and it's scary. The idea of your already bad outlook of yourself becoming even worse as someone re-affirms your thoughts of yourself is even more scarier. However, you have to find somewhere in you and mentally prepare yourself to take that leap. No one can do it for you. Sadly, there aren't enough mind-readers or selfless people that will figure you out when you are that closed off to yourself.

So, realistically, you have to make yourself known. Baby steps if need be, at your own comfort. Because you don't want to jump head first and scare anyone away either if you get too happy too quickly in excitement. You don't want to be seen wrongly. This is why I despise people who deem anyone a creep.... They get judged right off the bat for a very real and anxious hurt and isolation.... They are usually the most over-looked. Sorry, I'm probably not helping saying that lol.

But the most important thing you have to remember is to PLEASE be yourself. Don't try to be something else otherwise if you finally get looked at, it's asking for trouble as you're giving wrong impressions and that person will likely hurt you and you them.

I wish I had a magic wand that I can wave over you in order to give you the confidence you need right now. I really do. I'd like to know you better if given the chance. Maybe it'll help with your confidence knowing someone else sees you and can give you feedback of what they think are good traits you should re-enforce and become more attractive with.

 

[Omnipotent Soul]

Anyone have any advice on how not to be attracted romantically/sexually to people? I dont feel like I have the ability to make someone like me let alone love me.. so I dont want to have feelings for people who dont know me and probably dont want that from me.

I feel very much like you and so do many others. It's hard to love yourself when others treat you like you're unworthy. The problem is many people will treat you like you're unworthy because that's how you see yourself. It's a vicious cycle and is extremely difficult to break. I am quite hard on myself and while I deem myself unworthy, I don't think the same of any other human alive.

I'd like to give you some advice, but sadly I can't. I'm an Asexual and so while there are a few people who I do see as "attractive", I guess they never really attract me sexually or intellectually. Thus they don't really have the same status as they might to you.

However, I can give you some advice on the whole not feeling worthy problem. And I know it's hard to change these feelings of inadequacy, but you need to work on yourself, learning new things is one of the best things I can suggest. I am learning a language right now and it's amazing how much it changes your perspective of yourself. Perhaps try to learn a language, or an instrument. Or even find something you think you could do better with (like Maths, English, Science) and study that. If you're the more hands on type of person, try learning skills like mechanics, woodwork, arts and crafts.

The only thing I can say is because you deem yourself unworthy, you are most likely one of the most worthy candidates, even if it's hard to see sometimes. But think of yourself as a prize, that anyone would be lucky to have in their lives, become that prize by broadening your knowledge of the world around you. Set yourself goals, very small goals (big goals are too daunting for even the most confident of individuals) once you reach that goal, most it up slightly. Try to learn at least one thing a day, and you'll feel accomplished.

If you wish to speak further, feel free to message me.
Regards.

 

[GustavusMacer]

Anyone have any advice on how not to be attracted romantically/sexually to people? I dont feel like I have the ability to make someone like me let alone love me.. so I dont want to have feelings for people who dont know me and probably dont want that from me.

Put your interest on something else. I mean, art. Maybe the only way of not get yourself distracted by other people is finding something you love more than people. Something you produce. Your own expression. Be it writing, painting, music, dancing, whatever.

Also, maybe, helping people in need.

If none of these things, well, maybe looking for a god. Or for the help of the god, if you already believe there's one or interact with one. Not in a community though. Just you and the god.

 

[MissBehave]

For me it’s all about choice. I don’t know what it’s like for the rest of you but whenever I have to do something I choose to do it. Good or bad, hard or easy... it’s all about making that choice of moving forward. Or.. closing off.

 

[Bored]

What if you already feel adequate and worthy just by being yourself?

 

[harper]

I have the idea that you aren't asking the question you really want to ask.

 

[Bored]

No, that is the question I really wanted to ask. So often I hear people say they feel undeserving and that’s why they’re without someone. I don’t feel undeserving. I’m not arrogant but I also know I am worthy. I don’t need to spend a great deal of time “improving” myself in the misguided hope that someone else will take notice. I like who I am. And I’d like someone to like who I am as well without me slapping on a fresh coat of paint.

 

[harper]

I was responding to the OP and lost track of the thread... sorry!

 

[Bored]

Ok

 

[Puddled Duck]

It's complicated and subjective to everyone. Some love/are attracted to a person who is very loving, some love a person who is charismatic or makes them laugh, etc. And sadly... some are shallow and love looks and having an accessory. It differs.

You just have to find that person who sees you. Which means you have to put yourself out there. Figure out your strengths. Don't fabricate anything or change anything about yourself. Hell, you might even find someone whom is on a similar wavelength as you right now and is feeling lonely and you may find out you both have a lot of things in common.

Either way, the point being, you have to walk out from the darkness in order to be seen. No one can see you in the dark.

I think everyone is capable of loving and being loved. Just the world and time and time again being alone has a good way of making us feel like we're unlove-able.

Rejection sucks, and it's scary. The idea of your already bad outlook of yourself becoming even worse as someone re-affirms your thoughts of yourself is even more scarier. However, you have to find somewhere in you and mentally prepare yourself to take that leap. No one can do it for you. Sadly, there aren't enough mind-readers or selfless people that will figure you out when you are that closed off to yourself.

So, realistically, you have to make yourself known. Baby steps if need be, at your own comfort. Because you don't want to jump head first and scare anyone away either if you get too happy too quickly in excitement. You don't want to be seen wrongly. This is why I despise people who deem anyone a creep.... They get judged right off the bat for a very real and anxious hurt and isolation.... They are usually the most over-looked. Sorry, I'm probably not helping saying that lol.

But the most important thing you have to remember is to PLEASE be yourself. Don't try to be something else otherwise if you finally get looked at, it's asking for trouble as you're giving wrong impressions and that person will likely hurt you and you them.

I wish I had a magic wand that I can wave over you in order to give you the confidence you need right now. I really do. I'd like to know you better if given the chance. Maybe it'll help with your confidence knowing someone else sees you and can give you feedback of what they think are good traits you should re-enforce and become more attractive with.

The OP could do.

Personally i’d go for castration.

It’s not done the cat any harm.

 

[harper]

Ok

Sorry-- I'm not meaning to blow you off or anything.  I'd just gone into specifics about OP's problem, as a reply to you.  It probably doesn't apply to you because your self esteem is pretty OK.

He's looking for ways not to feel a longing for other people, and that just seems extreme to me.

 

[Bored]

Ok

Sorry-- I'm not meaning to blow you off or anything.  I'd just gone into specifics about OP's problem, as a reply to you.  It probably doesn't apply to you because your self esteem is pretty OK.

He's looking for ways not to feel a longing for other people, and that just seems extreme to me.

No worries harper. 

 

[ardour]

Distractions, goals, sport/intense exercise. Realizing that rejection isn't always an indictment on you but a fact of life. Certain antidpressants are known to kill the *** drive but obviously not an ideal solution.

 

[harper]

Distractions, goals, sport/intense exercise. Realizing that rejection isn't always an indictment on you but a fact of life.  Certain antidpressants are known to kill the *** drive but obviously not an ideal solution.

Even if you have no *** drive, I imagine the need for contact and bonding is still pretty strong.  My *** drive is still on 'high' and I dream about snuggling and closeness a lot more than ***. 

I'd say the idea is not to be OK with deprivation, but to overcome whatever it is that's causing it.

 

[SpectraApocalypse]

Ok

Sorry-- I'm not meaning to blow you off or anything.  I'd just gone into specifics about OP's problem, as a reply to you.  It probably doesn't apply to you because your self esteem is pretty OK.

He's looking for ways not to feel a longing for other people, and that just seems extreme to me.

You are right, I am looking for a way out of longing for others, but I feel it is necessary.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Ah.
Classic rookie mistake.
Attraction is just a biochemical reaction in the body, it is not love.

 

[harper]

Ah.
Classic rookie mistake.
Attraction is just a biochemical reaction in the body, it is not love.

Everything is biochemistry, by nature.  Do you believe love is supernatural?

 

[M_also_lonely]

Nothing is supernatural. Nothing can be.
Also, no, not everything is biochemistry, speaking from a perspective of chemistry.
----------------------
Attraction has to do with reproduction. If biology wouldn't do something to drive us to insert genitalia into someone else's, the idea is disgusting. Who would do that!!?! There has to be an intrinsic tendency, otherwise we wouldn't reproduce.

Oh wait, but that's love. Well, yeah. Wait, no. When I say love, I mean an entirely different experience. And I have been a witness to this experience. To love, is to be sensitive, towards beauty. Now the very statement conveys 'to be sensitive'. If you are sensitive, you find beauty in everything. This is the cause of acceptance. And neutrality.

Hey!! But THATS ALSO A BIOCHEMICAL REACTION!!
Yeah, but the perspective is different, because the seer is different. Intellect is the ability to discriminate consciously.
The way intellect works, is by breaking down into pieces. By shredding a flower into pieces, you can know about it structure. Dig deeper, you can know its molecular constituents. Even deeper, you reach atoms. Keep doing that, you'll see that there's no material. You came to know everything about the flower. But in that very process, the flower is gone. Its integrity is gone.
The idea is to witness its beauty.
You have known everything about it, but you haven't known the flower itself. I mean, if I want to know you, I can't just cut you into pieces to a subatomic level.
---------
Poets are true lovers. They see beauty in clouds. For an intellectual, cloud is just a mass of condensed watery vapor. But for a lover, it is something different. They see beauty in...... you get the idea.