Afraid of being clingy

[Silvernight]

I have this deep-seated fear of coming off as clingy or needy. I think that because of it I may sometimes appear aloof or uninterested when it's exactly the opposite. The more I like a person, the harder I try to keep myself in check in order not to show any signs of excessive affection, enthusiasm or eagerness (I get attached to people easily and I'm very affectionate by nature but I only let it show if I'm certain they won't judge me for it). If I did not do it, I'm pretty sure I would seem needy, which, in truth, I probably am, however much I may not like to admit it. I guess I just don't know how to see the golden middle. Does anyone else have a similar problem?

 

[Bluey]

Nothing wrong with saying how you feel. I have had girlfriends in the past that where to clingy. It did used to bug me a little when they all of the time 24/7 wonted to be touchy touchy. I think its OK to be clingy though. Say what you feel but obviously don't keep saying something that's going to make the other person feel uncomfortable. Like if I had only known a girl for a week and she keep saying she loved me that would probably spook me out a bit.

But nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve Just be your self really. The right person well love you for it. And the wrong person well find out sooner rather then later that the both of you where not meat to be together which well save you both pain.

 

[Caesium]

I would PAY a girl to be clingy to me. They just ignore me right now, or don't notice my existence :S

There's nothing wrong with being needy or clingy. Do what Bluey said, wear your heart on your sleeve!

 

[evanescencefan91]

have this deep-seated fear of coming off as clingy or needy. I think that because of it I may sometimes appear aloof or uninterested when it's exactly the opposite. The more I like a person, the harder I try to keep myself in check in order not to show any signs of excessive affection, enthusiasm or eagerness (I get attached to people easily and I'm very affectionate by nature but I only let it show if I'm certain they won't judge me for it). If I did not do it, I'm pretty sure I would seem needy, which, in truth, I probably am, however much I may not like to admit it. I guess I just don't know how to see the golden middle. Does anyone else have a similar problem?

ya i know what you, mean and just with friends i have the same problem, i could probably count the number of good friends i've had in my life on one hand. Needless to say i don't like having to let go so easily once they stsrt getting bored of me, you can't just come into my life and expect to go so easily....

(hmm that sounds a wee bit possesive)
lets try to rephase that,

it's not nice to ditch people

 

[LonelyDragon]

I would PAY a girl to be clingy to me....

I feel the same way.


I also don't think being clingy is all that bad until it becomes stalking or a controlling behavior. As long as you don't try and tell the other person they can't be with their friends or whatever then it's just a desire to be with them. That's the kind of love I'd give anything to find.

 

[Silvernight]

Oh actually, when I was talking about clingy I basically meant friends, not boyfriend, as I don't have a boyfriend. Yeah, but I see now why you all thought it was about relationships, it really sounds like this. Talking about a relationship, I would like touch but not 24 hrs non-stop, people who can't unglue from each other look ridiculous. I'd definitely not be stalking or controlling, it's simply not in my character.

 

[Gothmother]

I had a friend a few years back who pretty much lived in my house, or me at hers. She was a bit possesive and dint like me having any other friends much but it was all good for her to have her huge circle of friends. Anyways, you know the saying, 2's company 3's a crowd, well thats kinda how i felt when she had a new friend who she was more intrested in and i just kinda just let them get on with it and decided that our friendship wasnt healthy in the slightest.
We fell out badly and havent spoken in 2 years.

 

[Papabear]

I know you weren't talking about relationships with this... but since a couple people went into it i figured I'd post my opinion on that.

I had a girlfriend who I ended up being engaged to, we started dating in high school. She was... "enthusiastic" about dating... I guess would be a good way of putting it... yeah... she was kinda clingy. But... as I really did love her... Just to hear in her voice how happy she was when I'd call would make me melt.

When I'd be off schedule and she'd be so relieved to see me later that she'd put everything we missed and then some into her hugs... it was nice.

The clinginess was phenomenal from all relationship aspects... just didn't work out too well with my Naval service. Military doesn't really allow for a lot of that freedom.

 

[SophiaGrace]

i dont think i've ever been accused of being clingy. I think i know other people's personal boundary lines quite well.

I've had a few clingy friends though. I always tried to help them but it never worked out because I could never find a solution for their seemingly endless list of problems.

Is it just me or do needy/clingy people constanly bemoan every little issue in their life?

I wonder what makes people clingy. maybe it has to do with attachment styles when they were babies and they've just transferred it to adulthood?

 

[Black Dragon]

Hey I can definitely relate, I've been clingy many times. For the sake of peace of mind of myself and others I am learning to be more objective and even realizing when that person may just not be the right one for me. Some people we get along with more naturally than others.

 

[Violette0033]

I think if I had more friends I wouldn't be so clingy. B/c if X isn't available, Y might be. I could be more at ease instead of clinging to the one person who seems to like to spend time with me.

 

[Silvernight]

I've never actually been accused of being clingy because I never acted this way. Sometimes, consciously, I even act quite the opposite. But if I did not keep myself firmly 'in reins' so to say, I would likely become that. Course I know that I have this 'excessive affection' mentality towards people I like, which I try not to display openly. It sort of bugs me though, I shouldn't be this way. Also, I suppose I need to clarify what I mean by clingy. Hanging out or just around those people as much as possible because I just like being around them much. Being all too eager to help should they ask something, in fact, I want them to ask something (of course, I don't show or say it though).

 

[snow]

I always have to have my alone time. The people in my life can be quite clingy and sometimes I have to ignore them and they hate it. Of course opposites attract...they can't seem to enjoy alone time so much unlike me. I just have to limit my time with certain people otherwise there would be nothing interesting to do or talk about!

 

[alonerly]

I have the same problem as you Silvernight. I act aloof to not appear clingy but then when it's someone I love hanging around, I'm in their face 24/7. And I only started doing this not too long ago. For me, it's because I've lost all my friends because of my careless attitude in the past, so now I feel like I have to be more attentive to whoever cares to be in my life now, and I think it comes off clingy. If the friend/s you're being clingy with don't mind it, then I don't think it's a problem at all. You're able to be yourself with them and that's good. If you feel like you don't want to be that way and want to change, the best middle ground might be to give only as much as you get. Then you can somewhat read what level of intimacy your friend is comfortable with... maybe:S It depends a lot too on whether the friend is of the same or opposite sex.

 

[SilentThinker]

It can be a good thing or a bad thing having more friends.

When people get to interact more than three people,there is a highly likely chance that there would be someone who is going to left out.

More people also =

Good things like you get less dependent on individuals.
Bad things like you get more dependent on group (When you are close to a group,they may do something you do not like but you have not much of a choice to join in because you maybe afraid getting out of favor with the group.)

 

[SubjugatingH2O]

I'm the same way with girlfriends. I'm a very affectionate guy, but it doesn't mean I'm being needy or clingy, but women will often perceive it that way. I have a way of making them think I'm in love with them when I'm just very affectionate. I'm talking about intimate relationships though, I'm not sure if that's what you meant. This has caused me issues in the past, but it feels **** good to me so I continue doing it.

 

[SilentThinker]

More friends= less dependent

Less friends= more dependent

For me,I picked right friends.
Critieria:Good character(Though normally I am friends of people who is disliked by most.)

 

[Claire1978]

I am new here (only my second post, after my introduction), but I could really relate to what you said, Silvernight.

Whether it's friends or romantic relationships, I want to make any person in my life think I actually have a life of my own and that I don't need them too much. As a result, I distance myself from them. The problem with that is I tend to establish relationships in which I can hide just how lonely and desperate for companionship I am - such as long distance online relationships, where it is easier to pretend I have enough going on that I am not eagerly waiting to hear from that person again. But then they're not knowing the real me.

I think this stems from a realization that I, myself, am more attracted to people who are not "desperate or pathetic" (subjective terms), and also that I've learned from experience that others find me more attractive when I am able to maintain a little aloofness. I fear that showing them how much I really like them will turn them off - as it often does.

I think it all goes back to supply and demand. People appreciate things that are harder to come by, that take a little more effort. Relationships seem to entail such a precarious balance of power, and whomever can walk away the easiest will always have the most power and be the most desired.

But I think when we make true connections, the game playing will come to an end, and two people will accept each other just as they are. At least I hope so.

 

[MiKeY]

And what's a real shame are the countless people who lose interest after "the hunt" is over. How many times have you found people change after you become a couple? The sprarks are gone, the mystery is over. It's always more fun when you're trying to get someone's attention, or they're trying to get yours. But when she stops putting on make-up, or he stops bringing flowers... that's when it can go bad.

So, the real question is, I guess, what makes some people's attraction/emotional connection grow, while other couples' relationships fade into nothingness?

 

[Claire1978]

And what's a real shame are the countless people who lose interest after "the hunt" is over.

Well said. I am just coming out of a relationship that ended when the chase did. I am slow to open up, but once I do, things seem to fizzle. I hate that I feel I can't show a man how much I like him, or be there for him, without it becoming a turn off.