Alone & Unwanted

[mgill]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

 

[iseestars]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

I believe everything in life happens for a reason. Nothing is random, in my opinion. Try to be optimistic and your optimism will attract good things. Just try and it will become a habit eventually. And you will no longer suffer. Something in the back of your mind will tell you every day that everything will be fine. I know it's annoying to hear such advices sometimes.   No one can know exactly the pain you're going through. But believe me, one day you will look back and think to yourself "wow look how far I've gone, I'm much happier now, much better".

 

[mgill]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

I believe everything in life happens for a reason. Nothing is random, in my opinion. Try to be optimistic and your optimism will attract good things. Just try and it will become a habit eventually. And you will no longer suffer. Something in the back of your mind will tell you every day that everything will be fine. I know it's annoying to hear such advices sometimes.   No one can know exactly the pain you're going through. But believe me, one day you will look back and think to yourself "wow look how far I've gone, I'm much happier now, much better".

it's not annoying at all and i truly hope that will be the case but you are far more optomistic than i am.  i tried thinking like this for years and nothing ever came of it so i ended up where i am now. i actually used to be quite optomistic but the years of rejection & failure have really taken a toll on my psyche

 

[kaetic]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

I just want to state a couple things.
1. no one is guaranteed anything in life, except death
2. distraction only lasts so long

Does that mean you shouldn't try and enjoy the life you have though? Just because we each get the random hand we got, do we just give up if it's a **** one? It's not like you can just hit reset and start over. I'm not in all that much of a different situation than you. I'm not attractive, My personality has turned to **** lately. (or maybe it always was ****, just different **** than now, and that's why I don't have many friends) I've tried to improve myself and I feel like I make zero progress. I was raised in a weirdly religious and abusive home and as a result I self-isolate, I have undiagnosed anxiety disorders, I may even have an eating disorder (compulsive eating sounded eerily accurate when I heard it described) which would explain a lot, and a plethora of other **** that I really don't want to describe. (this is already too much)

I do realize that I tend to push people away, because I can't trust that anyone actually gives a **** about me when I don't. I hate living life this way. I get what you mean about waiting to die. I don't know that I can take 40 more years of this, if I live that long. With the health issues I have, I probably won't. But this is what happens when we just accept **** and dwell on it, instead of trying to do anything about it. Maybe nothing will change anyway. But if we don't try... it definitely won't.

 

[Finished]

I agree with her advice. Dwelling on not being normal doesn't help. You are not normal so you can't use the same guidelines. Try to find things you enjoy doing and do them even if others think those things are stupid and/or meaningless. Find happiness where ever you can.

 

[user 181674]

Some good advice on here...I felt I was dealt a bad hand in a way. But, I feel like I need to try and find happiness through things that I'm interested in. I guess that could be classified as distraction - but if it makes one happy if even only temporarily, then why not? Just try to start with baby steps. My mama and grandma used to call doing even one little thing per day, " a positive". They always wanted to get their positive in every day. I know it sounds weird and trite, but I use it too and it does help to lift my mood. An example would be just to clean up your room/house a bit, put the dishes away, etc. I don't know how you feel either or what you're going through, but just hope that some of the advice given may help you a bit, even just a little. Peace,

 

[mgill]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

I just want to state a couple things.
1. no one is guaranteed anything in life, except death
2. distraction only lasts so long

Does that mean you shouldn't try and enjoy the life you have though? Just because we each get the random hand we got, do we just give up if it's a **** one? It's not like you can just hit reset and start over. I'm not in all that much of a different situation than you. I'm not attractive, My personality has turned to **** lately. (or maybe it always was ****, just different **** than now, and that's why I don't have many friends) I've tried to improve myself and I feel like I make zero progress. I was raised in a weirdly religious and abusive home and as a result I self-isolate, I have undiagnosed anxiety disorders, I may even have an eating disorder (compulsive eating sounded eerily accurate when I heard it described) which would explain a lot, and a plethora of other **** that I really don't want to describe. (this is already too much)

I do realize that I tend to push people away, because I can't trust that anyone actually gives a **** about me when I don't. I hate living life this way. I get what you mean about waiting to die. I don't know that I can take 40 more years of this, if I live that long. With the health issues I have, I probably won't. But this is what happens when we just accept **** and dwell on it, instead of trying to do anything about it. Maybe nothing will change anyway. But if we don't try... it definitely won't.

very sorry to hear about your struggles.  i have done pretty much everything i can do to self imrpove yet still have had zero success.  everything else in my life is not too bad actually aside from this one extremely critical issue.  the problem is that everything is pretty much meaningless without someone else to share it with. i only wish i had the courage to give uo entirely but even in that i have failed.

---

I agree with her advice. Dwelling on not being normal doesn't help. You are not normal so you can't use the same guidelines. Try to find things you enjoy doing and do them even if others think those things are stupid and/or meaningless. Find happiness where ever you can.

i have many hobbies and interests but they have all mostly lost their luster not having anyone to enjoy them with. i came to terms with not being normal a very long time ago but i am far too physically attracive to make up for it. perhaps it's possible to be content being alone but this is not the case for everyone.  in fact, relationships are possibly the only thing of any true value so being excluded from initmate connections means missing out on most of what makes life worth living.

 

[mgill]

Vinny DSome good advice on here...I felt I was dealt a bad hand in a way.  But, I feel like I need to try and find happiness through things that I'm interested in.  I guess that could be classified as distraction  - but if it makes one happy if even only temporarily, then why not?  Just try to start with baby steps.  My mama and grandma used to call doing even one little thing per day, " a positive".  They always wanted to get their positive in every day.  I know it sounds weird and trite, but I use it too and it does help to lift my mood.  An example would be just to clean up your room/house a bit, put the dishes away, etc.  I don't know how you feel either or what you're going through, but just hope that some of the advice given may help you a bit, even just a little.  Peace,

i only wish it were that easy.  this has been a lifetime struggle and i am not young anymore.  i have found that temporary distractions are not very helpful for me as the issue is always gnawing in the back of my mind. it has made looking in the mirror quite distubring as doign this is a reminder of why i ended up where i am.

 

[crony]

I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain. I can relate to a lot of the things you've said. I feel alone but I am not completely alone. I long for a true connection with someone who is for me. Know what I mean? 

My distractions are working. Maybe you should look into new distractions if you old ones aren't working anymore. Some good advice was listed here. I'm going to try some of it in this new year.

 

[iseestars]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

I believe everything in life happens for a reason. Nothing is random, in my opinion. Try to be optimistic and your optimism will attract good things. Just try and it will become a habit eventually. And you will no longer suffer. Something in the back of your mind will tell you every day that everything will be fine. I know it's annoying to hear such advices sometimes.   No one can know exactly the pain you're going through. But believe me, one day you will look back and think to yourself "wow look how far I've gone, I'm much happier now, much better".

it's not annoying at all and i truly hope that will be the case but you are far more optomistic than i am.  i tried thinking like this for years and nothing ever came of it so i ended up where i am now. i actually used to be quite optomistic but the years of rejection & failure have really taken a toll on my psyche

You know diamonds are polished in the rough, right? You know some flowers need a lot of rain and gloomy sky in order to grow strong, right? 

I know that being optimistic can be incredibly hard when we hit rock bottom but hang in there, although it seems like you are alone, you're actually not. You're not alone in this life. You are loved. Maybe not in the way you want to be loved, but you are being loved in a way that cannot be denied. You are truely loved by many people in this world, you are missed. One day you will find the right person for you with whom you could share everything and be happy. All it takes is patience from your side. I know you've heard these things over and over again. But people repeat saying these things because it's the truth. YOU WILL FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE ONE DAY. Read that sentence over and over again. Don't be sad. You are sad, I know, but don't be. Don't allow your mind to be sad. When your mind goes "but I can't handle this anymore" just tell it to shut up and let your heart be your master. Your heart knows it better. 

You're not missing out on life. You are on your way to achieving your goals.

Always tell how you feel, talk about your struggles. I believe we are all here to help each other emotionally. People tell you what they believe it could help you. You get to choose what to follow, what's right for you. You will get through this and you will find peace of mind and happiness. It's a long road but you will get there, do you hear me? You will.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Mgill, after a life time myself of not finding a mate and lacking any loving family relationships, I share some of your deep feelings of loneliness.  However, I would like to counter some of your other feelings and conclusions from a Christian perspective.

You say that "the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves... everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution."

While an Atheist would be consistent in adopting such a philosophy of life, it's an unwarranted position that ignores the evidence for a Creator that made us for a purpose and gave us a free will and sound mind to make choices.  No doubt we are all born and raised in different environments that affect our outcomes in life, and there are circumstances beyond our control that make life easier for some and harder for others.  But, that does not negate the constant choices we make that come with consequences.  Clearly, people's willful choices in life affect their lives' paths.
 
You say that "i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to."

That is a defeatist attitude that the others are trying to dissuade you from, but I don't think that simple distractions can compensate for a lack of meaningful relationships in one's life.  You are right to recognize that life is about relationships, but your despairing conclusion is wrong from a Christian standpoint - which you'd do well to consider.

If our purpose in life is to know and love God and to learn how to love others, then that is an imperative goal to pursue whether one is single or happily married.  I'd agree that life here  would be more enjoyable and satisfying with a companion to share it with, but I also recognize that there are different types of love to be felt and experienced, and lack of a romantic, sexual love does not negate the need for the other types of love.  To emphasize this point, one must understand that our lives here in this world are only temporary, but our hearts, minds, and souls - our real selves - are eternal and will move on after this life to the next one.  And interestingly, our relationship with God and other believers will be permanent, while the romantic, sexual marriage/mate relationships will not.  Does it make sense then to lose all of the lasting relationships because one does not have the short term one?

No matter how lonely, unwanted, or despairingly you feel, the truth remains that you were created for a purpose in life and are loved by God.  You needn't deny your feelings, but can still choose to pursue worthwhile meaning for your life.  From my experience, it's a whole lot better facing the challenges and deficiencies in life with God's help than without.  You see, I may be single and feeling lonely too, but I have a comforting peace, joy, and purpose in life that makes me appreciate my many blessings and gives me great hope for the future, better life that awaits me.

If this resonates at all with you, then I'd encourage you to watch this excellent sermon.  It nicely explains how you may not have control over your circumstances, but you do have control over how you respond, and those responses certainly affect the course of your life.  Your path of despair or hope right now is determined by your choice, not chance.

[size=small]

 

[mgill]

Mgill, after a life time myself of not finding a mate and lacking any loving family relationships, I share some of your deep feelings of loneliness.  However, I would like to counter some of your other feelings and conclusions from a Christian perspective.

You say that "the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves... everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution."

While an Atheist would be consistent in adopting such a philosophy of life, it's an unwarranted position that ignores the evidence for a Creator that made us for a purpose and gave us a free will and sound mind to make choices.  No doubt we are all born and raised in different environments that affect our outcomes in life, and there are circumstances beyond our control that make life easier for some and harder for others.  But, that does not negate the constant choices we make that come with consequences.  Clearly, people's willful choices in life affect their lives' paths.
 
You say that "i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to."

That is a defeatist attitude that the others are trying to dissuade you from, but I don't think that simple distractions can compensate for a lack of meaningful relationships in one's life.  You are right to recognize that life is about relationships, but your despairing conclusion is wrong from a Christian standpoint - which you'd do well to consider.

If our purpose in life is to know and love God and to learn how to love others, then that is an imperative goal to pursue whether one is single or happily married.  I'd agree that life here  would be more enjoyable and satisfying with a companion to share it with, but I also recognize that there are different types of love to be felt and experienced, and lack of a romantic, sexual love does not negate the need for the other types of love.  To emphasize this point, one must understand that our lives here in this world are only temporary, but our hearts, minds, and souls - our real selves - are eternal and will move on after this life to the next one.  And interestingly, our relationship with God and other believers will be permanent, while the romantic, sexual marriage/mate relationships will not.  Does it make sense then to lose all of the lasting relationships because one does not have the short term one?

No matter how lonely, unwanted, or despairingly you feel, the truth remains that you were created for a purpose in life and are loved by God.  You needn't deny your feelings, but can still choose to pursue worthwhile meaning for your life.  From my experience, it's a whole lot better facing the challenges and deficiencies in life with God's help than without.  You see, I may be single and feeling lonely too, but I have a comforting peace, joy, and purpose in life that makes me appreciate my many blessings and gives me great hope for the future, better life that awaits me.

If this resonates at all with you, then I'd encourage you to watch this excellent sermon.  It nicely explains how you may not have control over your circumstances, but you do have control over how you respond, and those responses certainly affect the course of your life.  Your path of despair or hope right now is determined by your choice, not chance.

[size=small]

thanks for your reply & thoughts.  i am not religious as i have never seen any evidence of a god or anything supernatural.  i can see how religion may be comforting for some but just like most things it is not the answer for everyone. in fact, i think that one of the big reasons so many do turn to religion is because of the things which you stated. as a natural skeptic with an analytical mind however, i simply am not able to believe in anything without emperical evidence to support it.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

As someone who has been alone all his life (in romantic terms at least), I can absolutely relate to what you're saying. It truly makes a person feel defective.

 

[mgill]

being alone & unwanted are two of the worst possible curses and it only keeps getting much worse with age as the tremendous regrets continue to building up year after year, decade after decade.  the sad reality is that most of what we are and will have was determined entirely at birth and there is nothing one can do to improve things for themselves. one can certainly make things less worse but that does not at all mean that they will actually ever get any better.

everything in life comes down to pure random chance so falling on the losing side is an extremely difficult journey for which there really is no solution.  i am all too personally familiar with the inherent existential loneliness of the human condition and after much angst and suffering have come to realize that there are only three fundamental states to it-delusion, distraction & despair.  those of us unable to experience enough of the first two states are forced into the latter. instead of actually living life it eventually comes down to just waiting to die and this becomes the only thing to look forward to.

As someone who has been alone all his life (in romantic terms at least), I can absolutely relate to what you're saying. It truly makes a person feel defective.

very sorry you are in the same boat as i would not wish this upon my worst enemy. for me it's more a matter of being inferior than defective though-but i guess being inferior enough could be considered as some sort of defect.  i think it's devastating to realize that for some of us the only difference between a decent life and a miserable one is a few inches of height & a few mm of facial structure.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Mgill, I appreciate your fair and respectful response. 
 
I've had enough discussions and regretful arguments with unbelievers to learn that our world views are more often dictated by our hearts than by a presentation of the evidence.  The fact is that there's a lot of evidence to be found on the internet to support about any position on anything.  So, we tend to read and believe what we want and like.

If I were to propose that there's actually more empirical evidence for a supernatural creator of the world and life as we know it than an evolutionary view, you could find unlimited resources countering me.  We'd both have the same evidence to look at, but our interpretation of it would be different.

Let me just say this, and then I'll move on since I understand that you're not looking for a religious discussion.  If you ever get to really wanting a meaning and purpose for your life, don't let your current presuppositions of science prevent you from seeking religious truth.  It shouldn't seem unreasonable that the scientific laws governing the material universe had to have been established by a supernatural law giver. And thus, as many of history's most influential scientists have said, the study of science leads us closer to God, not away from him. Here's a quote from Isaac Newton, possibly the most respected scientist of all time:
 
"This most beautiful system of the sun, planets, and comets, could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being....This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all; and on account of his dominion he is wont to be called Lord God "pantokrator," or Universal Ruler."

 

[mgill]

Mgill, I appreciate your fair and respectful response. 
 
I've had enough discussions and regretful arguments with unbelievers to learn that our world views are more often dictated by our hearts than by a presentation of the evidence.  The fact is that there's a lot of evidence to be found on the internet to support about any position on anything.  So, we tend to read and believe what we want and like.

If I were to propose that there's actually more empirical evidence for a supernatural creator of the world and life as we know it than an evolutionary view, you could find unlimited resources countering me.  We'd both have the same evidence to look at, but our interpretation of it would be different.

Let me just say this, and then I'll move on since I understand that you're not looking for a religious discussion.  If you ever get to really wanting a meaning and purpose for your life, don't let your current presuppositions of science prevent you from seeking religious truth.  It shouldn't seem unreasonable that the scientific laws governing the material universe had to have been established by a supernatural law giver. And thus, as many of history's most influential scientists have said, the study of science leads us closer to God, not away from him. Here's a quote from Isaac Newton, possibly the most respected scientist of all time:
 
"This most beautiful system of the sun, planets, and comets, could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being....This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all; and on account of his dominion he is wont to be called Lord God "pantokrator," or Universal Ruler."

i always try to be respectful of others beliefs even if i don't agree with them.  if there were any level of emperical evidence for anything supernatural then this would be a far different discussion but there is not and never has been in the history of civilization.  there would also be at the very least a noble prize in store for the person or persons to write a peer reviewed paper proving this wrong. there is no scientific presuppositions when it comes to supernatural claims and if there were testable predictions which supported the claims of any religion then science would incorporate them but without this there is no way to seperate imagination from reality. 

in any case there is certainly FAR too much violence, suffering and death in the world for there to be any sort of a loving supreme being.  just our treatment of non-human animals is extremely strong evidence against this. all of the human religions i am aware of are far too human centric to be anything but products of the human ego & human exceptionalism.  as far as quotes from great scientists about religion, this one from Einstein is far closer to my beliefs:

“The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive, legends which are nevertheless pretty childish.”

 

[Sir Joseph]

Fair enough Mgil.  Our differing world views cause us to evaluate the evidence differently and draw different conclusions.  We can disagree and still respect the other.  I appreciate your civil response and wish you well here.