always need approval

[Lonesome Crow]

I m sorry u loived through that.

I bascailly grew up in the sametype of enviornment...

It takes a little of time to reconditioned yourself....Juts knew you were just condoitioned to live that way...to surivive as a child.

Some healing...

whatever one is trying to tell you in so many different ways is to Let go of those old beliefs and ideas....

I aslo believe you are ready to do this.
To get WELL..
Whatever pains your getting to let go
Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

Youll make progess as you grow into the knew you or actually into the you..that you really wanted to be to begin with...
The beuatiful person you had always been.

Its ok to feel angery. it ok to feel hurted.
You feel what you feel and its OK..

Its ok to make mistakes on the way.
You dont have to be perfect
Dont beat youself up no matter what.
Be loving , kind and gentle to yourself through all of this...

Theres also support groups to help
you heal and get through this...
Its kind of Ironic.
You dont have to do this alone

 

[oopsiedoop]

Well, I'm sure many if not most people come to this board because they're temporarily in transition. For me, it's an existential state, but a lot of people here seem to understand that, so I guess I'm not completely alone in that here already. I'm finding it really great! I do deal with the childhood stuff in a support group for that.

 

[tedgresham]

Well, I'm sure many if not most people come to this board because they're temporarily in transition. For me, it's an existential state, but a lot of people here seem to understand that, so I guess I'm not completely alone in that here already. I'm finding it really great! I do deal with the childhood stuff in a support group for that.

It is difficult, probably impossible, for young people who hit a pot hole in life to understand permanent and long-term (decades) of emotional separation or what it's like to be the 500 lb elephant in the room always. The only way to walk in the shoes of experience is to grow up in them. NOTHING is the same for someone over 50. I sure never realized that myself until I got here. Ugh.

You are fortunate to have access to mental health services. All I have available is the VA and they're not quite so responsive. I went batshit crazy from six months of steady codeine a few years ago and was referred to the shrink. The shrink never mentioned my meds as something that would cause that. Go figure. ...off topic, sorry, I ramble...

 

[oopsiedoop]

Well, the thing is I ALWAYS felt this way, and I got that kind of "she's just a mixed up kid" attitude all my life, even in therapy, and even as an adult. The support group I was talking about is Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families. THEY understand. THEY talk about "ontological insecurity" (R.D. Laing's phrase). Well, at least the one meeting I go to does -- it's at 12 noon est on the phone bridge (the info's on the website, adultchildren.org). Oddly enough we have major problems with most people who drop by, who are not kids, who have in most cases been severely abused, but who don't feel the relief I felt immediately from having a place where that was taken seriously and just want that same "she's just a mixed up kid" kind of advice even though they're not even kids! I could go on about the drama we experience surrounding that, which is interesting because it's a statement about a big hole in society in general, but not the place. But the problem with ACA is that since there are so few people who really care to understand the program there are just not enough to have more meetings, and so the only good one just stays with the basics, which are not simple or easy at all, and are like drills are to any athlete, always a crucial part of practice, and I would attend regardless, but there's never time to deal with the actual game.

Anyway, while the focus here is not necessarily to connect those dots, I also haven't found any responses that have minimized what I'm going through.

 

[tedgresham]

Well, the thing is I ALWAYS felt this way, and I got that kind of "she's just a mixed up kid" attitude all my life, even in therapy, and even as an adult. The support group I was talking about is Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families. THEY understand. THEY talk about "ontological insecurity" (R.D. Laing's phrase). Well, at least the one meeting I go to does -- it's at 12 noon est on the phone bridge (the info's on the website, adultchildren.org). Oddly enough we have major problems with most people who drop by, who are not kids, who have in most cases been severely abused, but who don't feel the relief I felt immediately from having a place where that was taken seriously and just want that same "she's just a mixed up kid" kind of advice even though they're not even kids! I could go on about the drama we experience surrounding that, which is interesting because it's a statement about a big hole in society in general, but not the place. But the problem with ACA is that since there are so few people who really care to understand the program there are just not enough to have more meetings, and so the only good one just stays with the basics, which are not simple or easy at all, and are like drills are to any athlete, always a crucial part of practice, and I would attend regardless, but there's never time to deal with the actual game.

Anyway, while the focus here is not necessarily to connect those dots, I also haven't found any responses that have minimized what I'm going through.

It's good that you've at least found a bit of help and a few people that get it. My home life was sometimes miserable, mostly because my mom was pretty messed up emotionally. Dad was a terrific guy. There were never any drug abuse or alcohol use in our house, though. We were solid Baptists. Most of the **** I dealt with was at school and the screwy way my brain works did not help.

I studied drug abuse for a while, started working on an LCDC, Licensed Chemical Dependence Counselor. I had a class on the Big Book of AA. I attended AA and NA meetings as a student though I never had those problems. Twelve Step programs don't quite work for me because I don't believe in a higher power.

This is probably not very encouraging to say but for me the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other is my family, especially my kids. They need me so I hang in. If it weren't for them I'd probably wind up on a street snuggling up to a nice bottle of gin or something.

For me the hardest part of life is not having someone who just understands the way I feel or even someone who tries. There's only one friend I've ever had that does but he's a young guy who lives to far to spend time with and talk. I met him last year when I was trying to put together a compilation CD and tour for metal bands. Otherwise there's been nobody. I think knowing we are not alone in the world, that somebody else gets it, and cares, it may not make the struggle any easier but it does help us, at least me, keep from running through the woods whacking my head against trees sometimes.

There's a great truth in the phrase "life's a bitch and then you die." And those who don't "get it" just think we're nuts and dismiss us. Kind'a ****** up, this world of ours.

 

[oopsiedoop]

I'm thinking of becoming a dependence counselor. I think a lot of people get into drugs because they don't have the kind of home life a person needs. At any rate, ACA is not just for alcoholic families. We don't address substance abuse at all.

A HP is anything that's healthy. Everyone needs that if you don't have it. I admit I don't have it. No source of security anywhere I can rely on. I don't believe life's a bitch and then you die though, so I'm still looking. Otherwise the dying part would come much sooner.

I always thought that your having a family sets you above the problem to a certain extent.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yes...Im ACOA or ACA

Yes...wheather theres substance abused involve or not..if you grew up in the dysfucntional
enviorment...it well effect you.
Family can make you or break you...Unfourtunately, I came from a family that broke me.lol

So..Im guess your familar with the 13 basic traits of ACoA

ACoA dosnt focus on the drugs use..
Understanding why we're kind of the way we are and why we hurted so much.
It's more about healing and getting well.

When talking to other peeple that actaully lived through that living hell of an experince...
They understand you...Just this level of understading helps..becuase some people
have no clue and dont understand me. Plus there's that compassion.
I know your pains...Ive lived through simular pains and nightmair.

I know what it feels like to do anything and everything for
the approval of my father's love...No matter how good I did. He nevered approvaled of
me. I had to be more than perfect...for he would piont out every little mistakes
i made and was very critical of me. I lived in constant fear...
If i did good it wasnt good enough. If i made a simple mistake I got serverly punished.
So after a while...I didnt know what to do anymore...I second guess my every actions.

I used to get grounded if a get a B on my grades.


A person can be codependent withOUT being involved with a partner that is an alki.

I've been having a hard time with the HP thing myself...
It's ok...you dont have to believe in GOD or a HP.

Maybe you belive in the concept of a Higher Self. Or this might work for you?


AA or NA...knows very little. As AA states.
AA is not a cure all for everyone.

ALan-on are for peopel leaning towards codependency.
You dont have to do anything.....the 12 steps are just suggestions.

I've attended AA, NA for most of my aduilthood...becuase my father
is a full blown Alki and I nevered wanted to be like him..So I stopped drinking
at a young age.

However I struggle more with co-dependency becuase of the abuse, mental
and emotional abuse I lived through.

I can across the SEDONA Methode a couple of years ago.
It helped me A lot....no praying or religious over tone.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I crave high amounts of approval from others too. I'm insecure.

If i could tell you how to solve this, i would. It's a curse.

I even need the FDA's approval.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

WeLL never cured of it...becuase it always going to be a part of us..
Everyone have a sense of wanting to
be a part of...

But with better understand, healing and our change of perceptions.
We can lower that desperate need so its not always on over drive all the time....

Kind of like this simple concept
that wasnt taught to us as children or young adults...

IM COMPLETE PEREFCT AND WHOLE ALREADY.
If I was tuaght that from birth and it got re inforced throughout my life..
I would think and lived like that.

Recovery is kindda like reparanting ourselves. Kind of like rasing a an innocent child within us.
Our inner child.

Ive raised children...so it kind of helped me. I raised my duaghter the exactly opposite of how I was treated..
More gentle. More kindness, encouragements, non critical..

Bascially its like a higher self concept..
When I feel all of that anxities....its the little kid in me thats scar...
As a parent I would encouage my child.

which comes back to the concept of
LOVING MYSELF.

 

[tedgresham]

I'm thinking of becoming a dependence counselor. I think a lot of people get into drugs because they don't have the kind of home life a person needs. At any rate, ACA is not just for alcoholic families. We don't address substance abuse at all.

A HP is anything that's healthy. Everyone needs that if you don't have it. I admit I don't have it. No source of security anywhere I can rely on. I don't believe life's a bitch and then you die though, so I'm still looking. Otherwise the dying part would come much sooner.

I always thought that your having a family sets you above the problem to a certain extent.

It was my "save the world" mode that led me to start the program but I did like trying to help people with addiction problems. I took half the classes I needed, just one of two semesters since I had a degree. I worked at an inpatient rehab a few months as a Residential Assistant. That was differn't. I dropped out of the program because career possibilities fell into the toilet. TCADA, the state agency that did the licensing in Texas, went into a big financial mess. Then there was the two year required internship, always a minimum wage job. Then the use of LCDC's in Texas was already declining. The chances of getting a job was slim and getting thinner. These days Texas has dumped its rehab model and has chosen a different one: lock'm up! It's pathetic. An ounce of pot might get you some time behind bars but there's virtually no help for rehab. ...more of a ****** up world.

 

[oopsiedoop]

Wow, that does suck. I don't have a degree. On the other hand it might not be the worst thing for me to help people for minimum wage. It's not like I have a big career alternative.

---

Crow, I see you know all the concepts and understand them very well. Yes, in ACA they call the cure "self-parenting". I've had problems with that concept but the program works really well, and nothing else has, even therapy. I can't say enough bad things about therapy, but that's for another thread. I was in some yahoogroups for toxic and narcissistic parents, those helped too, I know it's cheesy, but they did, because no one is willing to talk about this stuff and that's the only thing that has helped me -- talking about it with others who really understand and have the same experience. Like this board really seems to be helping me with the loneliness. I guess it's a matter of validation, so it really fits in with an approval thread. It also makes me wonder: is all loneliness a lack of approval? Is that redundant, even? I actually started this topic because the lack of approval makes me completely nonfunctional in most respects, and lack of approval has to do with loneliness..so I had a personal twist to it, but now I wonder if the approval issue is really the heart of the loneliness issue and if that part of it applies to everyone.

For some reason, I stop getting notices in my email about new replies at some point in a thread, so I haven't seen these till today.

 

[oopsiedoop]

I'm having a panic attack about calling this woman back who called me after I sent her a job app. Panic for me is ontological insecurity, and ontological insecurity is loneliness. But most doctors say there's no relationship.

 

[roguewave]

Do you need approval so that you can survive or so that you can survive happily? There is a difference.

 

[oopsiedoop]

Both I think.