Am I a coward?

[mrman526]

Lately I've been feeling like a coward. I'm not a violent person, however lately I seemed to have drawn a far bit of bad attention. When I was a kid like 9-10 I used to get into fights and I wouldn't back down if someone was on my back and I didn't like what they were doing. Now I'm 22 and at university. I've had trouble from a couple of guys recently.

This one time when I was about 16 or 17 this guy got really drunk and picked a fight with my brother. He tried to jump on his neck. I didn't know what to do and I just stood there and watched as this guy was having a go at my brother. It turned out okay in the end. My reasoning at the time was if I went towards this guy he actually would of jumped on his neck. Maybe thats half true but now I wished I just could've gone over and floored him.

One of these more recent incidents was when this guy was really drunk and decided to pick a fight because apparently I was 'getting with his women' which I didn't realise I was. I backed down from that and walked off as he was getting majorly aggressive.

This other guy recently was my ex girlfriends boyfriend and he started hanging around my classroom staring me out all the time trying to humiliate me. The tutors wouldn't do anything. I ended up losing it and shouted a lot and wanted to confront him but at the end of it I just walked off. I got all shaky and lost my cool and didn't know what I was doing so I just left. It felt like I was running away though.

The chiding has continued though I know he won't do anything. I caught him staring at me as I walked by like he wanted to rip my head of the other day and when I stared back he just looked at his feet. Again I was driving home and I saw this guy just glaring at me so I just politely smiled at him. I don't mind this as this is my more composed side. He's a nasty piece of work and a thug.

I have trouble talking to girls as well. I do okay for myself but sometimes I would just like to ask out that girl I like instead of being a pussy afraid of rejection.

I guess I feel like a coward because I've run off one time too many. I've always let emotions get the better of me. I get quite nervous in some random situations as well. I was just talking to some mechanic earlier and got nervous. Random. This wouldn't be a problem but its got the point where I'm doubting my integrity as a person. I'm not happy with the way things have turned out lately and my only reasoning to this is because I haven't got any bottle left.

Though I hate to say it sometimes I just like to turn round to one of these people and give them a whack in the nose. I've been bullied and pestered by these sorts of people and I'm fed up of running.

Recently I think I've been much better. I've been in therapy to deal with social anxiety. I've become much more outspoken, I don't mind if something I say accidentally upsets someone. I was watching football the other day at my brothers club and this guy tried to have a go and lashed out at him. I was on the sideline recovering from a sprained ankle and got in his face about it.

I know violence isn't the answer but there are somethings you should take and somethings you shouldn't. Maybe I've turned over a new leaf. I want to stop being the anxious nervous type thats plagued my life for so long and start being a man.

Lately I've just been haunted by my thoughts and want some advice. Do you guys think I'm a coward? I don't want to be violent I just don't want people to get the better of me any more.

Thanks for reading

 

[IgnoredOne]

Violence can be the solution, actually, but it rarely is the best solution for the problem. So far, you've done okay without it.

I do think that you seem to have let fear controlled you more than a few times by your own account. That is ultimately fine, though - awareness is a good thing, and you don't really need to get into those fights. What I would advise, if you are in a violent environment, is to get more training and experience - possibly a good martial arts training with a realistic ethos. Knowledge dispels fear, and you can find good information when it is necessary to employ violence, as well as how to do so in the most efficient way when it is.

I am especially glad to hear of your self-awareness. Being cogent about yourself is the first and most important step on your journey in becoming who you wish to be. Congratulations.

 

[mrman526]

I don't think learning a martial art is the way forward. I think its more a case of been able to control my nerve and gaining confidence, not learning how to hurt someone. Even if I got my ass kicked at least I wouldn't be ashamed. Yes fear has got the better of me more than a few times I regret to say.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I don't think learning a martial art is the way forward. I think its more a case of been able to control my nerve and gaining confidence, not learning how to hurt someone. Even if I got my ass kicked at least I wouldn't be ashamed. Yes fear has got the better of me more than a few times I regret to say.

On the contrary, if you know exactly how much is possible and you are often exposed to practice scenarios, you will be able to both control your nerve and gain confidence in situations where physical conflict is necessary. Knowledge dispels fear, as it is said.

Give it a shot, anyway. I guarantee that you will find it valuable. You have nothing to lose from learning, really - do you?

 

[Masson]

There's a saying ' Courage is not the absence of fear but rather to be able to act despite the fear' , also building up confidence and self-esteem will diminish any fear you have/will have. V
Violence is not the answer but neither is letting yourself getting stomped by people , if somebody "begs" for some sense to be put in hes head do it because hey the worlds an unfair bitch.

 

[mrman526]

Thanks guys for your answers. I did martial arts when I was younger but I don't want to fight anybody. I'm just going through a strange period at the moment. I had a play fight with my brother last night when we were drunk which I started but it got out of hand. I remember I got depressed after something happened and I took it out on him. I hurt my baby brother and I feel so guilty. He's cool with it now but I feel like an arsehole who needs to grow up and get a grip on things.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Again, find a genuinely good dojo and I think you'll learn a lot, even in terms of confidence, meditation and self-discovery.

Also, drinking won't help with any of the above

 

[mrman526]

Agreed IgnoredOne! I vowed myself to not drink when I was going through a difficult depression patch and as a result of drinking I threw my speakers down a hallway. I thought I was over the worst of it obviously I was wrong. Maybe I will. I've grown up a fair bit since my teens when I used to fly of the rails and get angry at anything but I've still got a way to go. I've gone through a lot of therapy but I'm going to put myself back in the near future so this sort of stuff stops happening. Maybe I will try a dojo or something or increase my football practice. Cheers

 

[IgnoredOne]

Good luck and let us know how things work out

 

[Sci-Fi]

You're not a coward, you are playing it smart. Most of these fights are misunderstandings or drunken stupors. I've never understood why people get into fights. Just to show you can take a guy and beat someone up? Sometimes as males we can be so primal and aggressive when there is no real reason to be except to show off who's balls are bigger. Kind of stupid when you think about it.

 

[Ian Haines]

I've often been a coward - we get a really bad press and all the writing is done by ourselves, truth told!

I, personally, DO believe in violence as a solution, provided that it's warranted and that I can be absolutely sure to get away with it. The gentle, diplomatic approach often simply doesn't work - many times, attempting to go down the diplomacy route actually encourages more trouble from the perp', because they view it as a double-sign: 1. Weakness...and, 2. they're hitting all the right notes inside you!

One little hint I am able to give you to help with feelings of cowardice is this: GIVE YOURSELF SPOKEN ALOUD PERMISSION TO ENGAGE IN SOME ACTS OF COWARDICE and, when they come along, you'll find them far weaker and your tendency to self-criticise will be much reduced.

One day...the right day...you simply won't be that coward that you consider yourself to be, and it feels absolutely wonderful!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It's simple for me now. I cant arrested anymore. I have to walk away from a lot of situations.
I've been to jail plenty of times for getting into fights. I've bashed ******** head in that really deserve it.
At a younger age..chasing women and bar hoping...etc. I got into bar fights or drunken braws..ect
I also killed one of my friend..well at least I kicked his face in a few times. I actaully fought him twice and
bashed in his mother fucken head in both times. He came after me the second time...there wasnt any thing
else I would have done but defend myself. All of the fights I've been in were about chicks or a chick.

Ive also gotten into fist fights with my step father. He's over 6 feet and 200lb.
He's waY bigger than me...but I had to defend myself and knock his mather fucken lites out cause
some people just donty know how to stop or want to stop when they're abusive.
It's ****** with my head for a while becuase getting into a brawl with your father is something no one
wants to be put into a position.

I'm also getting too old to be getting into fist fights. Going to Jail or getting arrested is expensive.
I cant afford it finacially or mentally. So it takes more restrength on my part. Im a coward.
But I wont wheel and deal with bullies either. I'm not afraid to tell people to back the **** off.
They're just people...******* bleeds just like me and aint bullet proof.
I dont feel intiminate by mean or abusive people..I aviod, minimize or eliminate them out of my life.


Never the less..if my life or Renae's life is in danger, I'll have to defend our lives.
Most people are decent and easy going...but there's evil in this world


I came from the school of hard knocks. I didnt grow up in the streets but it was my play ground.
Lots of stupid and un call for ********. Plenty of thugs and drugs. Not everyone is decent or nice.

 

[mrman526]

This is still rattling me and it still haunts me. I’ve made new developments though. When I was younger I always used to stand my ground. Then I got to about 10 or 11 and I got beat up quite bad. I believe that was the point I lost my confidence and forgot how to stand up for myself.

On this last confrontation I had with this guy, I was all like ‘what the **** are you looking at?’ He walked over as I ran/ got in my car and drove off. I watched him and my bitch ex laugh at me as I passed by. At the time I thought it was a small step towards facing my fears, but I keep thinking about it and the more I do I the more disappointed I am. I should have stood my ground and if he tried to hit me then I would defend my self. Instead I ran off like a pussy and now I regret it.

If anything comes round again I keep telling myself that I will fight back, but when push comes to shove I don’t think I have it in me. I weigh up in my mind what I have to lose, and I have quite a bit. But I don’t want to grow up looking back and feeling ashamed.

The sad thing is its now keeping me up at night. It goes over and over again. All over the television I keep seeing all these themes of who is honourable and who is a coward. Its stupid but it gets to me. Though I’m surrounded by a large family and lots of people I don’t think I can talk to anyone about it. This is a good place to vent and I appreciate all your advice.

Any other advice?

 

[shoegazer]

I actually registered on this forum in order to reply to this man. I don't mean to rub it in, but reading about your plight has actually made feel better about myself as I'm EXACTLY the same! I dunno' what it is in me, it's like I only ever get angry about these confrontations about ten minutes after they happen. Even then it's usually more anger at myself for backing down.

I'm 6ft and I work out (though I'm not a tank or anything) but I should definitely be able to handle myself, but I get almost word for word the same thing you do. In confrontation I'll look to the floor, I'll shuffle off, run if I need to and then be angry at myself for days for not standing up for myself. I've never had the scenario when I've had to defend a friend or a loved one, but I worry that I might just bitch out when that day comes, and in my eyes that makes me a pretty poor excuse for a man.

Appreciate this isn't exactly helpful to your situation, but just letting you know I appreciate you posting this up as I feel a little less isolated because of it.

 

[mrman526]

I actually registered on this forum in order to reply to this man. I don't mean to rub it in, but reading about your plight has actually made feel better about myself as I'm EXACTLY the same! I dunno' what it is in me, it's like I only ever get angry about these confrontations about ten minutes after they happen. Even then it's usually more anger at myself for backing down.

I'm 6ft and I work out (though I'm not a tank or anything) but I should definitely be able to handle myself, but I get almost word for word the same thing you do. In confrontation I'll look to the floor, I'll shuffle off, run if I need to and then be angry at myself for days for not standing up for myself. I've never had the scenario when I've had to defend a friend or a loved one, but I worry that I might just bitch out when that day comes, and in my eyes that makes me a pretty poor excuse for a man.

Appreciate this isn't exactly helpful to your situation, but just letting you know I appreciate you posting this up as I feel a little less isolated because of it.

No this is helpful thank you its good to hear from someone who can relate to your problems. Yeah I’m the same, could do it, but don't. I don’t realise whats really going on until after its happened then I get angry. Things is I’m not a kid anymore and if you hit someone then you go to prison. If I’d got into that fight I would have been kicked out of uni straight away. I don’t know its tough. I still think about this and it gets right on my nerves.