Anyone ever get depressed after getting the exact result you wanted?

[charlotte craig]

I've had a similar problem for some time, not exactly parallel.

I often have a desire to complete a project, of some kind: writing, mapping, learning something new, etc., etc.. However, I often don't finish what I start, because I become disinterested, and lose the original passion in the moment of a sparked idea.

The past few years I've pushed myself to see a project through till the end; but, when I do so, it's hell. Once I finally see the finish line in sight, I rush rush rush, and miss mistakes, and I've also lost passion by this point. The end result, isn't necessarily awful, I achieved what I set out to do, more or less; but, I feel incredibly depressed.

I'm not sure if this always happens, I know in the past, it was not so. It's tough though. I feel crap for not finishing anything I start, and I feel crap for finishing what I do start, if not crappier.

As some one shared recently, a quote from Spock:"...Having, is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting..."

I would suspect, those of us who suffer in this way, have a sort of lack of insight, into what we really want.

I really don't actually put a lot of thought into what I want, and the times that I do try to do so, I find so incredibly difficult; like voluntarily choosing to take an SAT or something, who would volunteer for that?

It's tough. You think you want a million dollars, until you realize how much of a responsibility it is, or how much it sucks you blew it all, stupidly, or how people come out of the woodwork wanting money now, etc.. etc..

You think you want a gorgeous woman or a stud muffin doctor; until you find out that gorgeous woman gets a _LOT_ of looks, or has a temper, or is spoiled, or cold; until you find out the hot doctor with the BMW, really only has those two things going for him money, and looks, and the rest of the time, he's difficult to live with, unexciting, or worse.

---
I would venture a guess, however, that, the reason we suffer in this way, is because there is duality in all things. We want a nice car; but, having it means higher insurance rates, and the eyes of thieves. Nobody wants to pay more to the insurance people; but, we don't think about things in their totality. We see the bad in the bad, and we see the good in the good. We fail to notice the good in the bad, and the bad in the good.

And I don't think becoming keenly aware of the good in the bad and the bad in the good, would fix the problem either. I think the awareness alone would be beneficial, to it's own end; but, it wouldn't drastically change things; because that's just the nature of life.

Single and lonely, married and bored (or lonely, or worse!)
Poor and destitute, or filthy rich and buying your way into the poor house.
---
So, I guess the good news is, if it's possible to do at all, is be mindful of one's wants and haves; no matter what your position, whether having or wanting, we can focus some contemplative awareness on that. *shrugs*

You say we fail to see the good in the bad and the bad in the good, but I do notice it, it has helped me to have a good life for years. You need to look at the whole picture, many do not. I remember when I was speaking to someone about how great it would be to have a friend to meet up with for a coffee and chat. And this very stupid person jumped in with the advice I should take a month or more off of my business/work/earning money and life to go on a long holiday the other side of the world, where I would maybe meet someone and get on with them - and then when I return back to base, we might MAYBE stay in touch as penfriends. To do this
would mean not seeing my husband, children or business - at a huge financial cost as well as emotional -
to maybe get a penfriend. The stupid woman who suggested this did not even understand I did not want a penfriend, but you can easily get one online quickly for free without stepping foot out of the front door, travelling or all of those sacrifices and time. The really ridiculous bit was why would I want a friend on the other side of the world when it was for coffee and a chat? Far better if they live much nearer and you can actually meet up with them! People who do not know how to think logically will often give advice which is based on just one aspect of what you said and ignoring all the rest. If you follow their advice you end up far worse than you were before, either gaining very little and losing a great deal in the process or losing a lot and gaining nothing at all.

 

[Unsigned]

High end ones know lots of languages, have many skills and a good education, they could easily earn as much other ways with their clothes on.

She plays 3 musical instruments expertly, played flute at Carnegie Hall and was considered for Julliard (she refused to apply -- much to the anger of her parents). She also had BA degree in psych and was working on her accelerated nursing degree. Had done catalog modeling n in the past.

But yes, she has severe mental health issues, though do not think that impacts her (former) status as a high end escort.

 

[Unsigned]

She cancelled at last minute when a more exciting, better looking, richer guy or whatever came along and fell back on you the other times.

No.
Her new "boyfriend" is a short chubby filipino guy with a scraggly beard who works a low end IT job.
Whereas I am 6'1", in shape, have "old school" school looks & mannerisms, and have way more money than him.
The only thing he has that I do not is that he is younger than me, and most likely they do young "hipster" crap with each other.
She let me know she is on food stamps and medicaid and she has no shame about it.
She's decided to live "bohemian" lifestyle.
Good luck to them both.

 

[Unsigned]

You would have her back like a shot.

No I would not.
I am better off without her and I can see that, regardless of the fact that yes, I am annoyed by the way she did this.

 

[TheSkaFish]

No.
Her new "boyfriend" is a short chubby filipino guy with a scraggly beard who works a low end IT job.
Whereas I am 6'1", in shape, have "old school" school looks & mannerisms, and have way more money than him.
The only thing he has that I do not is that he is younger than me, and most likely they do young "hipster" crap with each other.
She let me know she is on food stamps and medicaid and she has no shame about it.
She's decided to live "bohemian" lifestyle.
Good luck to them both.

This reminds me of something I worry about - situations like this are why I'm afraid to go into STEM, or what I'm afraid would have happened to me had I followed through on being an accountant (and may yet have to do, because the alternative is worse).

It's that a lot of women - not just that but a lot of people - don't really appreciate STEM or business or any of that left-brained factual stuff, because it's not emotional. It's just cold, dry facts. But, I don't know what else to do. I'm not a physically tough guy, so the trades are out. I'm not that booksmart either, just more booksmart than tough. And that kind of work is the only thing that pays enough to live like a normal person anymore.

And unless I can find somewhere with good work-life balance, I don't know when I'll have time to be able to do things to make me an interesting person, the kind of person that would be able to make people feel strong good feelings about me (if I can learn interesting things at all, or if that hasn't already been predetermined by genetics and talent). Someone told me a long time ago that that's what it's all about - attraction is an unconscious emotional response, and that it's all about making a woman feel good feelings about you. All the looks and all the money in the world won't do you any good if a woman doesn't find you interesting because you don't make her feel enough good feelings. The "hipster crap" might be stupid, but it's probably what she finds interesting and exciting.

The other thing seems to be that they have to respect you. Anything that started from pay like this, never started from a place of respect. I don't mean to be offensive, but if you pay someone for their time, instead of both of you mutually wanting to give each other your time because you're genuinely inspired to do so without any ulterior motive - like meeting up with friends - then you're going to be coming from a place of desperation by definition. And not only that, but life is not bringing you together naturally/authentically, like you have the same interests, same views, same personality/nature - it's artificial. It's not a balanced interaction, she has the advantage, the position of power. So in the end, that's how she treated you - disrespectfully and emotionlessly, without significance. It is annoying, but that's that kind of person. People like that are flakey, have a cold, Darwinian view of life, and only respect other reckless risk-takers like them. You said she was good at a bunch of things, plus her intelligence and looks and background, I'm sure that added up to a very arrogant person. And that's how arrogant people are - cold and dismissive. Who knows, maybe her new bf will be kicked to the curb as well, the minute she finds a "cooler" guy to attach herself to.

I tried to "win over" a sort of reckless woman too shortly before I got to this site. I naively thought she wanted to be "saved" from herself and her surroundings. When she got engaged to this hard drug using, habitual criminal, I was furious, for years. I seriously hated this guy, I wanted to get even, and I wanted to try to figure out how to "win" her. Then one day I realized I got tired of throwing good time after bad. I realized that, she was actually a cold, mean person after all, and I don't like people like that no matter what they look like. I looked at our old conversations and realized they weren't really that interesting after all. Lastly I realized that she didn't want to be "saved" either, she was always that kind of person the whole time. It was just me that misread her, I was seeing what I wanted to see. I finally saw that our worldviews and personalities were not the same, in fact they were opposites, and at that point I just stopped caring. That was the start of me realizing how looks aren't everything like I thought they were ever since puberty.

Anyway. Just some thoughts.

 

[Unsigned]

This reminds me of something I worry about - situations like this are why I'm afraid to go into STEM,

I've been in STEM (Fin Tech) since 1987.
My point is that this young kid she decided to hook up with is merely a low level support worker with a certificate (no degree) and very little experience whereas I have a Computer Science degree and was an independent consultant for over 3 decades with some of the biggest and most well known investment banks and exchanges. I absolutely recommend STEM/Tech as a career, as it can be quite lucrative. But yes, you are right in that is it not what females find interesting.

All the looks and all the money in the world won't do you any good if a woman doesn't find you interesting because you don't make her feel enough good feelings. The "hipster crap" might be stupid, but it's probably what she finds interesting and exciting.

This is a great point and I am sure you are correct. Like I stated in my other reply yesterday, she is a trained musician and this other kid makes/edits music videos as a hobby. She was also on a "dance team" and for all I know, maybe that is where she met him. I am not a "music man" or a dancer at all.

The other thing seems to be that they have to respect you. Anything that started from pay like this, never started from a place of respect. I don't mean to be offensive, but if you pay someone for their time, instead of both of you mutually wanting to give each other your time, then you're going to be coming from a place of desperation by default. It's not a balanced interaction, she has the advantage, the position of power. So in the end, that's how she treated you - disrespectfully and emotionlessly. It is annoying, but that's that kind of person. People like that are flakey, have a cold, Darwinian view of life, and only respect other reckless risk-takers like them. You said she was good at a bunch of things, plus her intelligence and looks and background, I'm sure that added up to a very arrogant person. And that's how arrogant people are - cold and dismissive.

Another very good point you raise. The power dynamic was on both sides, because when her rent was due she absolutely needed me more than I needed her, but yes, in general, I cared much more about her than she cared about me. I would have settled for a little gratitude though, but no dice.

I tried to "win over" a sort of reckless woman too shortly before I got to this site. I naively thought she wanted to be "saved" from herself and her surroundings. When she got engaged to this hard drug using, habitual criminal, I was furious, for years. I seriously hated this guy, I wanted to get even, and I wanted to try to figure out how to "win" her.

Been there done that. My first foray into taking an escort out of the business, many many years ago, was a mirror image of this.

Anyway. Just some thoughts.

And I absolutely appreciate them. Take care a and a great day.

 

[sparkyn98]

It just kind of hurt me that she would do this, have a boyfriend, without reciprocating the honesty that I showed her.
I was her sole support for the last 3 years. Her parents and family did nothing for her. It was only me.
And then to just ghost me, after all the pains I went through with her.
At least she could have said she met someone, said goodbye to me, and thank me for what I did for her.
But ghosting me? To me that was just classless and cowardly.
But I am smart enough to know this is absolutely a Godsend for me.
This new guy has taken her off my hands. I'm free.
I am starting to get over it.
Saw a fantastic escort tonight after work. That helped...

I will say to you that depending on their "attachment" style, some people can "cut" people off and never look back.
When you get sad about it, just remember all the money and effort you poured into her for naught and smile again.
And I agree with the other posters that she will probably be back for more money and support at some point, so you may want to continue strengthening your resolve until then!
And maybe figure out you MAY have some co-dependent tendencies so you can learn how to curb those impulses the next time another one catches your fancy...?
Good luck, man!!

 

[Unsigned]

And maybe figure out you MAY have some co-dependent tendencies so you can learn how to curb those impulses the next time another one catches your fancy...?

I definitely do.
It's loneliness that drives me to do this.
There were others in the past and the end result is always the same.
And they all used the same tactic to "hook" me...they made me feel sorry for them.

Good luck, man!!

Thank you.

 

[sparkyn98]

It's loneliness that drives me to do this.
There were others in the past and the end result is always the same.
And they all used the same tactic to "hook" me...they made me feel sorry for them.

I would say that of ALL the possible causes of co-dependency, loneliness isn't one of them.
You've got past hurt or trauma that draws you to "save" the women once you feel sorry for them. Don't get me wrong... I'm a co-dependent and my degree is Human Services with a minor in psychology. I never went for my masters in counseling because I KNOW that it would probably over-tax my issues. I know for every 5 patients I was able to detach from, there'd be that ONE....
It's literally a struggle every day you meet someone and they have any kind of problems. You want to "fix" it for them.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Yeah.
It's when I really find a woman attractive and talk to her for a while.
But then she jumps the gun and wants to move things a lot faster than I'm comfortable with.
Like she'll skip the whole first official date and just want to hook up.
This mostly happens to me with younger women, and THAT's what's disappointing to me.
Because that DIDN'T happen to me when I was 22 and younger, and I mean I knew it happened, just like, I spent my whole life up to 22 having it not happen to me.
So when it does finally happen to me at 34, and it starts happening repeatedly, yes, that's disappointing and tbh kind of depressing.
I guess in part because my life is no better at 34 than it was at 22.
I just react better to things than I did 12 years ago.
Except that.
THAT throws me.
It only took me one or two tries to figure out why I can't really just be like that.
Because it ***** with me in the aftermath.
IDK why the Hell I'm a conquest at 34 that I wasn't at 22 and younger if there's not much of a difference to my life, other than that they're younger and less experienced in the world and life and so they don't see that.
Actually, knowing why would be kind of helpful.
I actually have no idea why women like me at all.
Yes, I'm articulate, and yes, I actively try to be nice, but I'm a massively brutal *******, just typically not unless it's warranted.

 

[Unsigned]

Like she'll skip the whole first official date and just want to hook up.

I actually have no idea why women like me at all.

That's a fantastic problem to have.
I'd gladly sacrifice half my net worth and 35 IQ points to be in the same boat...

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

That's a fantastic problem to have.
I'd gladly sacrifice half my net worth and 35 IQ points to be in the same boat...

No, it's not.
I used to think that too.
I'm a creative introvert, I have a natural proclivity to detail work.
Stripping out that detail work kind of dumbs it down for me and makes it feel meaningless.
I can't do it.
I already don't have the greatest relationship with sex in general, that just makes it worse.
The fantasy is nice, but it kind of needs to stay a fantasy for me.

 

[Claudia1794]

No, it's not.
I used to think that too.
I'm a creative introvert, I have a natural proclivity to detail work.
Stripping out that detail work kind of dumbs it down for me and makes it feel meaningless.
I can't do it.
I already don't have the greatest relationship with sex in general, that just makes it worse.
The fantasy is nice, but it kind of needs to stay a fantasy for me.

And that is probably one of many reasons why they want to have sex with you.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

And that is probably one of many reasons why they want to have sex with you.

IDK how to say this without risking it accidentally coming out wrong but:
The problem is that it feels like I'm raping myself.
I mean I get it, the whole picture and direction of everything: The masculine narrative of a romantic relationship isn't real, I can accept that.
The thing is, that if that's the case, I'd rather just resign to celibacy and staying single because it's actually quite emotionally breaking and I'd rather just not. My life is hard enough and painful enough as it is. I'm fully aware a woman is not going to make that easier for me, it's not her fight, it's mine.
But I'm not going to contribute to my own suffering, I'm psychotic, and that alone combined with the normal labors of everyday life is enough of a challenge for me.

 

[Unsigned]

IDK how to say this without risking it accidentally coming out wrong but:
The problem is that it feels like I'm raping myself.
I mean I get it, the whole picture and direction of everything: The masculine narrative of a romantic relationship isn't real, I can accept that.
The thing is, that if that's the case, I'd rather just resign to celibacy and staying single because it's actually quite emotionally breaking and I'd rather just not. My life is hard enough and painful enough as it is. I'm fully aware a woman is not going to make that easier for me, it's not her fight, it's mine.
But I'm not going to contribute to my own suffering, I'm psychotic, and that alone combined with the normal labors of everyday life is enough of a challenge for me.

I cannot even imagine putting so much as 1% of the thought into it as you do.
I've paid for sex for nearly 38 years.
And would prefer to get it for free.
And to be one of those guys that the girl follows around and makes the focal point of her life.
Whereas you have exactly what I want but don't want it.

On the other hand I am not psychotic and find the normal labors of everyday life simple and easy to navigate, providing me with the disposable income to do what I need to do to relieve my physical urges (but not my mental/emotional ones).

Too bad we can't switch...

 

[Claudia1794]

IDK how to say this without risking it accidentally coming out wrong but:
The problem is that it feels like I'm raping myself.
I mean I get it, the whole picture and direction of everything: The masculine narrative of a romantic relationship isn't real, I can accept that.
The thing is, that if that's the case, I'd rather just resign to celibacy and staying single because it's actually quite emotionally breaking and I'd rather just not. My life is hard enough and painful enough as it is. I'm fully aware a woman is not going to make that easier for me, it's not her fight, it's mine.
But I'm not going to contribute to my own suffering, I'm psychotic, and that alone combined with the normal labors of everyday life is enough of a challenge for me.

If you mean that its like you forcing yourself to do something you don't want to and it ends up feeling like an injustice and a violation of who you are then I understand your meaning. All relationships no matter the situation have always been difficult for me. I used to feel like I was betraying myself then I tried a different approach which ultimately failed then another then another and so on until I decided that all the effort and time wasn't worth the result..especially when I usually felt worse at the end of the day. Im selfish though and controlling and a long list of other unattractive characteristics but for some reason I've never had an issue with attracting certain types of men. I think I've been seen as a challenge which is what I was getting at with when I said your disinterest in jumping to sex is out of the ordinary and the females see it as a challenge. Obviously someone else would disagree but thats what I thought when you posted it.

 

[Unsigned]

I would say that of ALL the possible causes of co-dependency, loneliness isn't one of them.
You've got past hurt or trauma that draws you to "save" the women once you feel sorry for them. Don't get me wrong... I'm a co-dependent and my degree is Human Services with a minor in psychology. I never went for my masters in counseling because I KNOW that it would probably over-tax my issues. I know for every 5 patients I was able to detach from, there'd be that ONE....
It's literally a struggle every day you meet someone and they have any kind of problems. You want to "fix" it for them.

I re-read this.
That's great analysis.
Thanks.
And it's something on which I need to work on correcting.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

If you mean that its like you forcing yourself to do something you don't want to and it ends up feeling like an injustice and a violation of who you are then I understand your meaning. All relationships no matter the situation have always been difficult for me. I used to feel like I was betraying myself then I tried a different approach which ultimately failed then another then another and so on until I decided that all the effort and time wasn't worth the result..especially when I usually felt worse at the end of the day. Im selfish though and controlling and a long list of other unattractive characteristics but for some reason I've never had an issue with attracting certain types of men. I think I've been seen as a challenge which is what I was getting at with when I said your disinterest in jumping to sex is out of the ordinary and the females see it as a challenge. Obviously someone else would disagree but thats what I thought when you posted it.

It isn't that I don't want it, I mean kind of, it's that I don't want what happens in the aftermath to happen. And the trouble is that it happens so frequently that yeah, it makes me not want it. What happens in the aftermath is that they think that just because we slept together means I'm going to uproot my entire life in every possible way and start making it revolve around them, and I am in absolutely no position in my life to be able to do that. The biggest problem is that I'm very honest and forward about this, I tell them this in the beginning, sometimes a couple times over BEFORE we sleep together just to make sure I'm understood. And every time, it's like it goes in one ear and out the other, they aren't listening. So yeah, that's, not what I want.

It's just that, it's taken me a while to realize that me being honest and forward about it, is just going to get totally disregarded. So naturally, I'm rather resigned and withdrawn when it comes to the idea of relationships.

I cannot even imagine putting so much as 1% of the thought into it as you do.
I've paid for sex for nearly 38 years.
And would prefer to get it for free.
And to be one of those guys that the girl follows around and makes the focal point of her life.
Whereas you have exactly what I want but don't want it.

On the other hand I am not psychotic and find the normal labors of everyday life simple and easy to navigate, providing me with the disposable income to do what I need to do to relieve my physical urges (but not my mental/emotional ones).

Too bad we can't switch...

You don't want this. If I wasn't prone to hallucinations that spiral out into higher frequencies under stress, than maybe, but the trouble is that part of me is unpredictable even to myself, which honestly scares the **** out of me. And so basically what happens is exactly what I just said above to Claudia.

The predicament that I'm in is:
What is the point of me trying to be a good person, if it just results in me having to flip the script because a bad person thought I was a sucker when I'm not? I don't like hurting people anymore than I like being hurt, and the trouble with psychosis is that that's exactly what happens. I'm a pacifist by choice, because I have the ability to defensively emotionally zero myself out when backed into a corner, flip the script and obliterate other people. It's quite monstrous, I don't like it, which is why I don't like conflict. I don't exactly have a middle ground, because hanging out in the middle ground just results in me suffering more instead. See the problem?

And of course after when I'm drained asf, no, I don't want to cuddle and make up, I want that person out of my life permanently, because I don't want to live like that.

 

[charlotte craig]

No.
Her new "boyfriend" is a short chubby filipino guy with a scraggly beard who works a low end IT job.
Whereas I am 6'1", in shape, have "old school" school looks & mannerisms, and have way more money than him.
The only thing he has that I do not is that he is younger than me, and most likely they do young "hipster" crap with each other.
She let me know she is on food stamps and medicaid and she has no shame about it.
She's decided to live "bohemian" lifestyle.
Good luck to them both.

wow. you are better off without such a creature.

 

[Unsigned]

wow. you are better off without such a creature.

Yeah, I am.
But it's been over 2 months now and although I am no longer depressed, I still think about her (obviously).
She really threw her life away by leaving the NY Metro area for that accelerated nursing degree.
I told her to stay with her parents and go to a SUNY school here.
Would have been 3x LESS of a student loan, and she would have minimal distractions.
But she wanted to move away from them (to another very large city -- about 100 miles away) and go to an expensive private school.
She definitely would have finished and been a nurse by now had she listened to me.
Instead, she's on public assistance, doing "off the books" work so as not to lose the public assistance, and still has that huge student loan to pay off. It's really a waste and a shame, regardless of my personal feelings. And she'll be 28 soon, and she's gained noticeable weight since being hospitalized, so her sugaring/escorting window is very quickly closing. Believe it or not, helping her to get her degree and become a licensed nurse was very important to me. It wasn't all just selfish lust. A real shame it didn't happen. But I do wish her luck for the future, no matter what it holds.

Thanks for your thoughts.