The thing is, there are people who can consistently date the people they want to. They know what to say and do and how to conduct themselves in a way that gets a "yes". They know how to build up attraction in others. They don't have to rely on luck. They're in control of what they get.
Then there are other people who just can't seem to get past "let's just be friends", over and over and over again. This is where I find myself, on a consistent basis. It's like, their presence, their personality is too weak to create the sexual spark. This is what makes me think there's got to be a reason, because of the consistency of the results. If you keep doing something wrong, or not doing something right, you keep missing what you aim for.
I don't think I'm asking the wrong women either, because like I said, I find them all very physically attractive and very interesting - we do have enough overlap in our interests to carry a decent conversation. Something about me must communicate to them that I am not boyfriend material. I just wish I knew what it was. I think it's because I'm too nice and not interesting enough, I don't have enough going on in my life. I look at other people my age and they usually have more stories, they've done a lot more. But I haven't yet committed to a path.
I also wonder if the problem isn't that I come across as needy by default, since I'm not interested in just any woman. What I want is very specific, but they are all that can take me where I want to go. They're the only ones I've met who can give me the experiences I want to experience and the feelings I want to feel. I just know we could have some real conversations feel like we'd really be able to find where the action is happening. But I just won't be able to have the same experiences with just any woman - with most others, it would just be more like bs'ing away the time at a bar, talking about nothing, then going back to someone's place to watch TV until it's time to call it a day. But then if wanting a specific woman makes you come across as needy, then how can you have any preference? It's like, you just have to hope that someone you like will just randomly pick you, otherwise you have to settle for whoever happens to like you and never experience real happiness here but just "getting through it", the way we just "get through" our day jobs. But I know that there are some people who know how to create the spark with who they want. I know people have done it and I want to learn how to do it too. But what really gets me is unless I can somehow re-frame how these women see me, I've already blown it because I didn't move fast enough and I didn't have the right stuff at the right time and now it's all downhill from here. I hate thinking that I just get what I randomly get, and if I'm not happy with that then it doesn't matter because that's all I get to experience in this one life.
jjam said:
I would think it's something that can be expected to pop up from time to time when dealing with someone you deem good looking, and that should be more than enough on the "looks/sexual" front of the relationship. See, here's where some people just strike me as quite a bit picky. There are women I really don't find physically attractive at all, so to expect a sexual spark wouldn't make sense. But to say I find a person good looking and they have so many other +1s going for them, then backtrack and say "but... sexual spark"... That's some strict criteria considering that sexual spark could be just around the corner. Maybe she and I haven't made it to that scenario where the spark could occur. Sure, maybe there's no spark during a dinner date at a diner while talking about the chaos in the world, or during brief small talk while in work attire, or during some random meeting at a grocer... but perhaps during a poetry reading session or cooking a meal for the first time together... Give chance to reach those moments before deciding there is/can be no sexual spark from someone you find good looking AND has so many other positives, no?
Yea, that's what frustrates me too. I'm sure my looks are okay, and we can talk, and we can laugh, and have enough to keep a conversation going. That's what I thought relationship material was - when you both like each others' looks, can talk for hours without it getting boring, can tell each other anything without it getting awkward, when you can tell each other your thoughts and dreams without restraint, and them actually caring about what you say, and really "getting" you in a deeper way than most people. That's what I thought creating the sexual spark was, when they have everything you are looking for. But it looks like creating a sexual spark is an entirely separate skill. It confuses me greatly. In my own situation, that's what I'm thinking. We already "mesh", that was the word she used - so why can't it work? Maybe we just haven't made it to the point where a spark can occur. But it seems premature to say that it can't ever happen even though all the other positives are in place. It's like, it hasn't been given a proper chance for it to bloom, but I really think it could if we just set up or wait for the right conditions. That's what frustrates me so much about this.
