Arranged Marriage

[Sunless Sky]

Hey guys,

I am in a bit of a bind here. You see, I am not getting any younger and I am at that age and state in life where you are expected to settle down. As a result, my parents are trying to set me up with someone. I don't know how to feel about it. You see, in my culture, you don't just go out for a coffee with a girl and get to know her, you need to be chaperoned at all times and the "get to know you" phase is much much shorter than what Westerners/Europeans expect. I am talking 3 to 6 months at most. I am not opposed to meeting someone this way but I want to really get to know her and for her to really get to know me before any decision is made so there aren't many shocking surprises down the line.

It feels kinda awkward. What do you guys think?

I mean, it's not really that big of an issue. I would appreciate any input/advice though.

Thanks.

 

[user 191131]

Hey guys,

I am in a bit of a bind here. You see, I am not getting any younger and I am at that age and state in life where you are expected to settle down. As a result, my parents are trying to set me up with someone. I don't know how to feel about it. You see, in my culture, you don't just go out for a coffee with a girl and get to know her, you need to be chaperoned at all times and the "get to know you" phase is much much shorter than what Westerners/Europeans expect. I am talking 3 to 6 months at most. I am not opposed to meeting someone this way but I want to really get to know her and for her to really get to know me before any decision is made so there aren't many shocking surprises down the line.

It feels kinda awkward. What do you guys think?

I mean, it's not really that big of an issue. I would appreciate any input/advice though.

Thanks.

When we marry in a church of even civil we make a vow to God or to the State, that is to say we commit ourselves to an obligation. Would the commitment be any stronger if we make that vow to our families instead? I honestly think it does.

 

[Unsigned]

I've been in Tech for 37 years and I have known Indian guys who had arranged marriages.
The ones I spoke to about it seemed quite happy with the results.
Traditions become such over time because in general they work pretty well.

 

[M_also_lonely]

3 ENTIRE MONTHS?

Somebody from my caste introduced our family to someone who wanted to get their daughter married.
Upon my mother insisting me to at-least give it things a try, we set up a meeting at our house.
Then they invited our family to their house and after the meeting, asked for the decision before we leave.
So a total of 15-20 minutes of meeting time.
I recently took 40 minutes to decide which phone to buy. They wanted me to decide my spouse with a conversation of 20 minutes.

 

[Sci-Fi]

There are pros and cons to arranged marriage for sure. I worked with a guy who was from Syria, they are big on arranged marriages there. When his family moved from over there and come over to Canada he saw that this wasn't a thing here. There were girls his parents wanted him to marry but he didn't want to, the girl he wanted to marry his parents didn't like (mostly his mother). His dad wanted his sons to enjoy life first and not be rushed into marriage. His dad and mother married very young.

If arranged marriages where still a big thing in most cultures a lot of us would be married instead of forever single. I wouldn't want to think about what my life would have been like if I was forced into an arranged marriage, there was a girl my mother really liked and would have wanted me to marry. The girl and I were friends and that was all I was interested in. The girl had a huge crush on me too. It would have been a one sided marriage and I would have been miserable.

So really I don't think they are a terrible thing as long as the two people getting married do get to know each other and want to get married. If you are pushed into it without that and end up miserable then it isn't good for anyone. Most of the time when you meet a person you can usually tell within the first few minutes if you are going to get along. I deal with a lot of customers in a day, not for romantic purposes mind you but even then I can tell whether they are people I want to keep talking to or walk away from regardless of what they are interested in buying.

 

[Sunless Sky]

There are pros and cons to arranged marriage for sure. I worked with a guy who was from Syria, they are big on arranged marriages there. When his family moved from over there and come over to Canada he saw that this wasn't a thing here. There were girls his parents wanted him to marry but he didn't want to, the girl he wanted to marry his parents didn't like (mostly his mother). His dad wanted his sons to enjoy life first and not be rushed into marriage. His dad and mother married very young.

If arranged marriages where still a big thing in most cultures a lot of us would be married instead of forever single. I wouldn't want to think about what my life would have been like if I was forced into an arranged marriage, there was a girl my mother really liked and would have wanted me to marry. The girl and I were friends and that was all I was interested in. The girl had a huge crush on me too. It would have been a one sided marriage and I would have been miserable.

So really I don't think they are a terrible thing as long as the two people getting married do get to know each other and want to get married. If you are pushed into it without that and end up miserable then it isn't good for anyone. Most of the time when you meet a person you can usually tell within the first few minutes if you are going to get along. I deal with a lot of customers in a day, not for romantic purposes mind you but even then I can tell whether they are people I want to keep talking to or walk away from regardless of what they are interested in buying.

So Sci-fi, are you married or in a relationship right now? If you are married, how long did you take to get to know your significant other? If not, how long would you recommend that phase should last?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I suppose it depends on what you want out of life. Do you want a wife? Are you able to go about finding your own?

Now, after the 3-6 months, are you automatically married or are you just engaged? If you are just engaged, is the wedding right away or will it take a while?

 

[Sunless Sky]

I suppose it depends on what you want out of life. Do you want a wife? Are you able to go about finding your own?

Now, after the 3-6 months, are you automatically married or are you just engaged? If you are just engaged, is the wedding right away or will it take a while?

Yes I do want a wife and I have been trying online dating apps like bumble to find someone. There were some hits but they didn't pan out.

The engagement happens after 3 to 6 months. The date of the actual wedding is then agreed upon by the two families. How long the engagement is depends on the bride and groom as well as the two families. Usually about 6 to 9 months.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yes I do want a wife and I have been trying online dating apps like bumble to find someone. There were some hits but they didn't pan out.

The engagement happens after 3 to 6 months. The date of the actual wedding is then agreed upon by the two families. How long the engagement is depends on the bride and groom as well as the two families. Usually about 6 to 9 months.

So you have roughly a year to get to know her. That doesn't sound so bad, if it goes well initially. Are you "allowed" to call it off if either of you change your mind....is that ever done?

 

[Sunless Sky]

So you have roughly a year to get to know her. That doesn't sound so bad, if it goes well initially. Are you "allowed" to call it off if either of you change your mind....is that ever done?

That can be done yes but with good reason. You can also do it without giving any reason, there is no law forbidding you from that. Although that would piss off a lot of people.

 

[4No1]

What about a divorce? Is it possible?

If both of you are honest and spend a lot of time together, then probably 3 months could be enough, but if a divorce is not an option, it could be more complicated.

 

[Sunless Sky]

Divorce is an option yes if we marry then find out we weren't compatible. That runs the risk of me getting her pregnant, on our wedding night for example. I can't divorce her after getting her pregnant. Well, technically I can from a law perspective, nothing is stopping me but of course I won't do that which means I'll be in a pretty bad situation.

 

[4No1]

So you have to decide in a few months abd after it you can't call off a wedding, but then you can divorce?
Contraception till you know each other better?
I'm not sure do you live in a western country?

Maybe if you both decide to wait longer it is possible? Or if you like together then say you don't and just go on seeing each other.
Or can it be not a arranged meeting but an arranged dating? Like they arrange you the first dat and then you'll be on your own(a kind of that sometimes happens in my country, the arranged meetings)?

 

[Sunless Sky]

So you have to decide in a few months abd after it you can't call off a wedding, but then you can divorce?
Contraception till you know each other better?
I'm not sure do you live in a western country?

Maybe if you both decide to wait longer it is possible? Or if you like together then say you don't and just go on seeing each other.
Or can it be not a arranged meeting but an arranged dating? Like they arrange you the first dat and then you'll be on your own(a kind of that sometimes happens in my country, the arranged meetings)?

I live in the UK right now but I am not originally from there.

The arranged dating is not a bad idea. I think they might go for it if we are chaperoned.

You can call off a wedding but you better have a damn good reason. I would prefer not to go there even, that's why the chaperoned dates are a good idea.

I can use contraception but then you are throwing the dice shall we say. I read that condoms are 70 to 90 percent effective depending on the material used. The chances are good but, when it comes to pregnancy, I don't like those odds. Maybe we just won't have sex until we are sure?

 

[Fred]

Hey guys,

I am in a bit of a bind here. You see, I am not getting any younger and I am at that age and state in life where you are expected to settle down. As a result, my parents are trying to set me up with someone. I don't know how to feel about it. You see, in my culture, you don't just go out for a coffee with a girl and get to know her, you need to be chaperoned at all times and the "get to know you" phase is much much shorter than what Westerners/Europeans expect. I am talking 3 to 6 months at most. I am not opposed to meeting someone this way but I want to really get to know her and for her to really get to know me before any decision is made so there aren't many shocking surprises down the line.

It feels kinda awkward. What do you guys think?

I mean, it's not really that big of an issue. I would appreciate any input/advice though.

Thanks.

Sit down with your parents and watch a movie called coming to America you and they will get the point very quickly and you may be surprised on how it will make them feel