Attraction. Physical or Mental

[VanillaCreme]

I find that when it comes to attraction, I pretty much purely only care about personality and not physical looks.

This statement can't taken as unequivocally true then. Obviously the person has to look female in order for you to be attracted to them.

Just because I have an incredible low care for physical features for attraction and a relationship, doesn't mean I don't prefer ****s and vag to put it kinda bluntly, or feminine traits. So yes, they have to be females for me to be attracted to them. That doesn't actually go against what I said.

Indeed. Preferences don't mean it turns into being about looks. I think nit-picking at that argument is just trying to prove it is about looks, and I, too, just don't see it that way.

 

[Xpendable]

I'm halosexual, I feel attracted by the person's aura.

 

[ShybutHi]

It's easier to say looks don't matter when you don't concern yourself so damn much with how someone looks on the outside and focus more on whether they are ugly on the inside.

I’m not overly concerned with appearance. It’s not the no.1 priority, but there does need to be some physical attraction there to consider someone romantically (As ugly as **** as I am, I still can’t help this), and it seems like most people feel similarly. Maybe this will change when I'm 60+  (be interesting to know the OP's age btw)

You see it a bit differently to me then. To consider someone romantically does not really include the physical appearance. I see past the shapes of a person, the position of their features, and look more towards how they carry them self, whether they smile, their confidence, what they are like as a person you know... how they respond and what they like, say and do.

All those things are overwhelmingly more important to me and are by far the main causes of attraction, not the physical features.

I'm 30 btw.

 

[user 139760]

I've never done internet dating. Only long distance or internet type thing I ever had was, in short terms because this tale would take a long time to tell, the source of more joy and pain in my life at the time than anything else. It made me convert to another religion, cause friction with my family and, the good part, sent me through a road trip in pre-9/11 US that had me end up in several states. Ironically, when I came back, made my relationship with my folks stronger. Also realized how ridiculous established religious dogma was ;-)

I mostly base any type of dating I do on a healthy mixture of looks and personality. Looks are what "reel you in", the first thing that catches your eye, that wants to make you know the person. The personality is the reason you stay. My "type", I guess you could say, is stereotypical of guys; I like generous proportions, smaller girls and nice legs, physically. However, looking at my previous relationships, there is maybe ONE girl that fits that actual type. I've dated girls that outweighed me by 100 pounds ;-) I've dated one for two years who was so thin I thought she'd break and even I had more breasts than she had LOL. However, all of them were special and it's their personalities that kept me there, much more than the physical aspect.

Also, there ain't nothing I hate more than a cute girl who's the evil queen of number, who thinks too much of herself and who's generally disagreable. I enjoy a rather passive personality, because I am so, it's condusive to calm, to reflection, to conversation, to understanding. Lots of people might be cute on the outside, but horrible on the inside. While I'm sad to say I wouldn't have the, I don't know what the word is here, the "honor" to date someone who I don't find attractive solely based on their personality, but it wouldn't take me much as I'm not a guy that goes necessarily for looks and I find that, in 99% of cases, all women have something special about them that gives them their own shine.

Sadly, it's why I'm still single. Have trouble meeting someone I wouldn't want to shove in the nearest ditch after being around them 30 minutes LOL!

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

Why is everyone (by everyone, I mean a few) trying so damn hard to pick apart everything Shy said?

They're probably just trying to feel some way about themselves by making other people feel like crap. Which makes me wonder why they came to a site for lonely people if they just want to argue about something that doesn't even affect them. Who knows. I just know it wouldn't be the approach I would take if I wanted people to talk to.


Anyway if our bio majors had taken a psych class or two they might be aware of what's going on in the human mind, and outside it, on more than strictly a biological level. It'd be different if we were talking about neanderthal (then I'd say bio all the way) but we're not.

Who you're attracted can be influenced by any number of factors. Two powerful influences being culture/social norms and your upbringing.

Outside of the first world attraction is usually a one sided deal where the man will choose the woman he wants and a la Stockholm Syndrome it's possible she'll eventually gain an attraction to her 'husband'. That's an extreme example of cultural though.

Social norms tend to fluctuate and are a bit easier to go against. Up until the 1900s men appreciated a bit more woman with their woman. Thin was unattractive and then it shifted, I'm sure it'll change again too.


As for upbringing where do you think the phrases like "married your mom" or "daddy issues" came from? Those are probably bad examples but there are good ones. A person who went against the norm and married not entirely for physical attraction could have a great impact on their children to do the same. Or what if we all grew up watching Brad Pitt make out with Melissa McCarthy in a bunch of movies? Things might be a little different.

Some basic stuff you might pick up if you even glanced in the direction history, anthropology or psychology.

Biology can be (and usually is) a factor but it's certainly not the only one in play. Personally I don't mind saying I need to have some physical attraction if I want to be in a relationship with someone but it doesn't mean I need that attraction immediately (likes other have said already).

My longest and probably best relationship was with a woman I wasn't attracted to initially, but she was cool as hell so I kept talking to her.

My worst and most damaging was with one I couldn't keep my hands off of thanks to biology and chemistry but her lack of personality made sure I didn't stick around for too long.

Everyone's different. So while uncommon to have someone who is willing to date Shrek for their personality it's definitely not impossible.



As for Shy and his original post.

Don't worry about the term for whatever you are bro bro! (Seriously because no one's going to know wtf you're talking about without googling it.) And honestly it'll make you sound a bit desperate in an online dating environment if that's on your profile somewhere (sorry). You'll probably have to send the first message either way.

My advice, just open up a little stream of consciousness on your profile page about you, some day to day, I love animals crap, hobbies and tv shows, all the junk you see on a girls page pretty much just the you version (best to be as transparent as possible.) I know it sounds bad but the more you put out there the more chance you have of someone else seeing a common interest and possibly messaging you just obviously don't type so much she's scrolling down just to see how kindergarten ended . 

Then start combing through profiles that have stuff you like on them and message them about that. If they're genuine and interested keep talking. If not then just move on. The key is to keep moving even if just a little. You can't stop progress. 




Also a little footnote to anyone reading. If you're looking to meet people online it's best not to describe what you're looking for outside of any mandatory questions (male for female, female for female ). You'll just scare away some potentially good conversations and even come off as shallow. This goes for physical and personality traits.


Hope something in there did something. 

 

[ShybutHi]

Why is everyone (by everyone, I mean a few) trying so damn hard to pick apart everything Shy said?

As for Shy and his original post.

Don't worry about the term for whatever you are bro bro! (Seriously because no one's going to know wtf you're talking about without googling it.) And honestly it'll make you sound a bit desperate in an online dating environment if that's on your profile somewhere (sorry). You'll probably have to send the first message either way.

My advice, just open up a little stream of consciousness on your profile page about you, some day to day, I love animals crap, hobbies and tv shows, all the junk you see on a girls page pretty much just the you version (best to be as transparent as possible.) I know it sounds bad but the more you put out there the more chance you have of someone else seeing a common interest and possibly messaging you just obviously don't type so much she's scrolling down just to see how kindergarten ended . 

Haha nope I certainly didn't put that on my profile. 

Your second paragraph is pretty much what I did. Just mainly general stuff but with a few extras about me personally. I didn't actually add what I was looking for and kept it fairly short. Just two small paragraphs listing what I am like, what my general interests are and a few less common interests that are personal to myself.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

Kind of an odd thing that happened last week that had me thinking about this thread. I work with someone who seems older than me... but if I were to guess I would say about 55. He looks older because he has all white hair. So because of that I guess you could say I consider him older and not the most attractive. But he has an amazing personality and we openly flirt like crazy. He makes me feel safe. Never taking it too far.  And if it is getting there.. the breaks come out with the word wife. 

On this particular day I was heading to the cafeteria and I engaged in a major flirt session. There were smiles, there was witty repartee and I turned the corner to get in line.  My buddy was outside. 

In the line was a conventional handsome guy. Some might say hot. He had a tattoo and was all "dangerous" looking.  I believe he saw my jolly demeanor with my buddy and assumed that meant I was a jolly happy flirty girl because he just started talking to me. I don't understand why.. I don't know him, I have no reason to talk to him. But because I thought maybe I did know him, I talked a little. But the conversation was horrible.. couple of swear words, bitching about his phone and all I could think the entire time was that he was handsome but repulsive.  Oh and the conversation was 100% about him, and I guess I was supposed to comfort him on the loss of his phone signal?