Bad Thoughts

[user 191131]

If someone does you wrong, like your spouse for example, but you don’t confront her/him directly, do you think having bad thoughts about them is a form of punishment? I mean if you know they’ve done you wrong but they don’t realize you know about it. You smile as always but your mind is saying silently “you f*ing b’stard! I hate you!” I am in such a position right now. I am beginning to hate my wife for the things she is doing but I am incapable of divorcing for emotional reasons. I sometimes give her the finger behind her back and on a couple of occasions I spat on her pillow. Last week while she was "doing me wrong" I found her bike in town and punctured her rear tire.

Now, before you criticize me for being childish I have to tell you that you do not know the circumstances and if you think the circumstances "don't matter" then you are not a very sympathetic person.

 

[Draven]

I heard somewhere recent the first year of marriage is lust then the next ten is love and after that it's all spite.
I mean I probably shouldn't condone that behavior, but it's pretty funny all and all. As long as this sort of thing doesn't evolve into poisoning each other it seems sweet in a way, to me at least.
More importantly though I think it should be talked/argued out. Truthfully what the fuuck do I know. I'm not married.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Emotional reasons....I'm going to assume you mean love? First, love is not always enough. Love can't rule your life when the other aspects are not there, when the trust and communication are not there. You obviously don't trust her. You obviously don't communicate, at least not in the way that would save the marriage. But doing these things to her doesn't seem to equate to love, so I have to wonder if it's more out of habit and a sense of duty or whatever that holds you to her. You are clearly both miserable, so why keep pretending? I know you mentioned a child in a previous post, but again, just because you split doesn't mean your child can't see you. The relationship you have with you child has nothing to do with the relationship you have with your wife. How old is your child, btw?

As for a lack of sympathy, sorry, but that's not true at all. I really do sympathize with your situation because I was once there...kind of. But seeking out revenge and pettiness doesn't make you right, it makes you manipulative, vindictive and just as bad. And this is coming from someone who used to do the same honeysuckle. So I understand it, but that doesn't make it right. The issues are just as much on you because you choose to stay. Why not just find your own way? Get a life, start a hobby, distance yourself from her and live for yourself. Focus on YOU, not her.

 

[Abstamyous]

Why is direct communication not an option?

 

[user 191131]

More importantly though I think it should be talked/argued out.

I can only tell you that it is not possible and you'll have to take my word for it.

 

[user 191131]

Emotional reasons....I'm going to assume you mean love?

Yes.

You obviously don't trust her.

Ya' think?

You obviously don't communicate, at least not in the way that would save the marriage.

It depends upon what remnants are worth clinging to and how much one is willing to sacrifice.

But doing these things to her doesn't seem to equate to love,

You are not in a positon to determine that.

so I have to wonder if it's more out of habit and a sense of duty or whatever that holds you to her.

There's the question.

You are clearly both miserable,

Both of us? How do you know that? You cannot.

so why keep pretending?

Sometimes pretending is worth the alternative but most times it isn't. Much depends upon how much time you've got left on this earth.

I know you mentioned a child in a previous post, but again, just because you split doesn't mean your child can't see you. The relationship you have with you child has nothing to do with the relationship you have with your wife. How old is your child, btw?

I won't discuss this.

As for a lack of sympathy, sorry, but that's not true at all. I really do sympathize with your situation

That's good enough for me.

But seeking out revenge

Revenge? Is that what you think it is?

... and pettiness doesn't make you right, it makes you manipulative, vindictive and just as bad.

You are nowhere near the issue.

And this is coming from someone who used to do the same honeysuckle. So I understand it, but that doesn't make it right. The issues are just as much on you because you choose to stay. Why not just find your own way? Get a life, start a hobby, distance yourself from her and live for yourself. Focus on YOU, not her.

Leave it. You are out of line and I do not appreciate it one bit.

 

[user 191131]

Why is direct communication not an option?

Because it is. It's like setting out for 100 but at 99 you already know the outcome and it ain't good. Communication has reach 99.

 

[Abstamyous]

Obviously, I don't know your circumstance. But I can think of one certain circumstance where I considered such actions, and I ended up hurting myself more than I ever hurt him (yet not as much as he hurt me emotionally).

I don't really sense that you want much more discussion about it, so I'll leave it at that.

 

[user 191131]

.... But I can think of one certain circumstance where I considered such actions,

OK.

and I ended up hurting myself more than I ever hurt him (yet not as much as he hurt me emotionally).

Projecting your emotions won't cover it.

I don't really sense that you want much more discussion about it, so I'll leave it at that.

Sounds good.

 

[user 191131]

It's like ascending the stairs to the gallows. You can stop on any step along the way but you can't turn around and leave.

 

[Unsigned]

It's like ascending the stairs to the gallows. You can stop on any step along the way but you can't turn around and leave.

You are both in your 70s, from what I understand, is that correct?
Wow.
I always figured people would be completely mellowed out by that age.
But then when my mother was trying to attack fellow residents with scissors in the old age home, I realized I was wrong.

Hope your situation gets better. That's all I've got.

 

[user 191131]

Hope your situation gets better. That's all I've got.

Thank you.

 

[okidoke]

I don’t like the way to respond to people. I’ll allow some leeway for English not being your first language, but not the sentiment.

 

[ringwood]

I don’t like the way to respond to people. I’ll allow some leeway for English not being your first language, but not the sentiment.

Agree. I started to draft a well-thought out reply, saw how Callie’s thoughts were responded to and deleted my own post. Why bother when I will most likely get snarky, one-sentence answers in response? Clearly this person already has their own thoughts on their situation and isn’t really looking for input.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Just throwing this out there for the OP. People can't reply if you post in the diary section if you aren't looking for people to help and give advice.

 

[user 191088]

What's the point of letting yourself remain attached to her for emotional reasons if that emotion is clearly not reciprocal? You have to listen to the voice of reason within yourself and act accordingly, that's what I think. If your reason for sticking with her is your child/children, then I suppose you can put up with each other for the benefit of the young, what you cannot do is pretend you like each other while turning the other cheek and avenging yourselves when no one is looking, not only because sooner or later the kid/kids will find out, but because when they find out all your efforts will have been in vain. The ideal solution is for all parts involved to sit down, be frank and talk about the future of their relationship, but this doesn't seem to be possible in your case.

 

[user 191131]

I don’t like the way to respond to people. I’ll allow some leeway for English not being your first language, but not the sentiment.

I'll fix that double-quick.

 

[user 191131]

Just throwing this out there for the OP. People can't reply if you post in the diary section if you aren't looking for people to help and give advice.

I am not asking for help or advice. The end is around the corner. I am a dead man walking.

 

[user 191131]

What's the point of letting yourself remain attached to her for emotional reasons if that emotion is clearly not reciprocal?

There is a point to it.

You have to listen to the voice of reason within yourself and act accordingly, that's what I think.

That's what I am doing.

....., what you cannot do is pretend you like each other while turning the other cheek

Yes, you can.

and avenging yourselves when no one is looking,

People endure pain in more than one way. My method (as I put in my OP) is hurting no one. She thinks I'm OK with the situation but I am not. It is my pain, it is my suffering. I am dealing with it in a way that hardens my heart without it being obvious to others.

The ideal solution is for all parts involved to sit down, be frank and talk about the future of their relationship,

You don't know or understand the details. You can't because I haven't said what they are. Your reply is well-meant but there is no “once size fits all” remedy. Try to understand that by fostering hatred in some circumstances you can soften the blow when the inevitable arrives. You can die with a smile if there is fortitude in your heart.

but this doesn't seem to be possible in your case.

That's pretty much the A to Z of it. I am a dead man walking and I am trying to do it upright rather than falling to the floor.

 

[okidoke]

Well sounds like you’ve got your game plan all sorted out and don’t need any of our advice, so good luck to you and maybe look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’re being the best you that you can be.