Being cheated on really screws up your self-esteem/confidence

[ForeverVirile]

Somebody posted a thread the other day on here (when I was still lurking, before I signed up) about how they were once a happy, positive person and then everything changed. Much is the same for yours truly. In the years 2008 and 2009, I was the happiest human being on earth.

Before July 2008, I had no idea why, honestly. I was getting ready to enter my senior year of high school, and I was on cloud nine. I was constantly in a good, positive mindset. I was confident in my abilities to do anything. I learned things, new hobbies and took risks.

One of the risks I took in July 2008 (I was 16 getting ready to turn 17 in a couple of months) was starting up a conversation with a beautiful girl that I didn’t know at all. At the time the Twilight book series was overwhelmingly popular, and I knew she had a disdain for it because I’d overheard her talking to one of her friends (wasn’t creeping, I don’t think). Anyhow, I made a couple of jokes about the book series, she laughed, and we began talking, and eventually exchanged numbers.

What resulted from that was a relationship that went from being a beautiful one to a tragedy. It lasted 2 years and 3 months. Even after that, she came back 8+ months later and we had another 3 month tryst before things ended finally. We had the chemistry to keep things together. But certain factors damned our relationship. Hey, two teenagers in love, such a typical concept, right? But I’m almost 22 and all of this has stayed with me.

I could sit down and write a book on the relationship, fining every last detail and explaining every intricacy involved, but there’s no need for that. My heart has been broken for about three years now. I’ve resolved that I’ll never get over her 100%. Before I met her, I’d been with two previous girlfriends, but she was my first love.

The first year of the relationship? Beautiful. Paradise. I loved her, she loved me. I cared about her, she cared about me. I supported her, she supported me. I trusted her, she trusted me. I was loyal to her, she was loyal to me. We took care of each other through the best times and the bad times. We brought each other up when the other felt down.

Here’s the kicker: I was her first real boyfriend. For a long time, she concealed her jealousy over my past, the fact that I’d dated girls beforehand, until in October 2009, she began to show the jealousy she held. Things went from being bliss to bad very quickly. Over my past. From a time period that she and I didn’t know each other. This should have been a minor issue. Out of all the things a couple can get into it over, she wanted to raise hell over the fact that I had been with two girls before. She was jealous that she wasn’t my first.

This was my mistake. Instead of giving her an ultimatum of telling her to grow up and get over it or to end our relationship if it was the worst thing in the world, I pretty much injured our relationship by apologizing to her. Yes, I apologized to her, over a time period that had nothing to do with her, when I had nothing to apologize over. I was merely 18, in love with her, scared of losing her, desperate, nervous and I didn’t know how to get her to stop being immature and going off over my past.

In hindsight, that probably made her lose respect for me, at least on a subconscious level, the fact that I didn’t stand my ground and tell her to get over it and move on from that or break up with me. Every day for the last near four years I’ve regretted not doing that. I feel like we would have still been together today if I would have manned up, stood my ground, not backed down (sheesh, this is starting to sound like the Tom Petty song) and told her that it was silly to get mad about something neither of us could control or change.

Our relationship took a hit. She didn’t stop going off over my past, and instead of taking control of the situation, things escalated. I can only blame myself. Eventually, I found out that she was cheating on me. That was the end of our relationship. The 2 years and 3 months down the drain part of it. I secluded and confined myself. I became a ‘forever alone’ type of guy. I stuck to weight lifting, MMA and boxing, and then I’d come home and look up at the ceiling. I ignored my friends. I wasn’t in the state to do a damn thing. That part of our relationship ended in December 2010.

She came back into my life in September 2011. In the time since December 2010 I’d briefly dated one girl in a relationship that was god awful and didn’t last too long, AND I was still pretty much a recluse and shell of my former self. Anyway, she’d sent me a message on Facebook. My heart practically sunk into my intestines. Instead of telling her to go F herself and to stay the F out of my life, I welcomed her back into it. We Skyped. Three months until December 2011. That’s when she told me that she wanted me in her life, but that we should see other people. I was crushed, once again. And so much for wanting me in her life. She blocked me the next day (No, I didn’t even attempt to rekindle contact with her, either, she just blocked me out of the blue). I also found out that she was in a relationship with some new guy when we were Skyping, so she was basically cheating on two guys at once, just like she’d one before.

I will never understand why she changed. I hate change (negative change, of course). She wasn’t like that until everything imploded from her going off on my past. In April 2012 I wrote her an angry letter. I didn’t call her names. I just explained to her about her lies and questioned all of her actions. I texted her notifying her of the e-mail and she simply said, “Sorry, I didn’t have to be so mature at any early age like you. I’m trying to grow up. Sorry for everything. Have a nice life.”

That was the last time I ever heard from her. Nor have I contacted her since. I’ll never contact her again. The fact that we’ll never be together again is reinforced by the fact that she had a baby in January.

I should have never sent that email/letter to her. I should have stuck with no-contact. What was the point in trying to get her to see the truth? Liars don’t value the truth. But emotions fueled me. I love her. I can’t help it. She screwed me over worse than anyone has ever done so, but I can’t just STOP loving her or thinking about her. There’s a lot more to the story, but that’s the short version without the fine details.

I’ve had three girlfriends since her, and all three relationships have been bogus. The most recent one just ended about two weeks ago. I compare them all to her, but no, not to the negative parts of her, but when I compare I think of the way she was in 2008 and 2009. I KNOW this is unfair and I shouldn’t do this, but it’s as if I can’t help it.

My self-esteem and confidence has been screwed up since then. I feel like I’m worthless and unlovable. I mean, being cheated on, it makes me feel like I was never good enough, that the guy she cheated with is better than me. The worthless feeling? The fact that she could screw me over and move on without feeling one iota of remorse. Unlovable? Same reason. She hurt me without remorse, moved on as if I never existed, and here I am, still today in August 2013 feeling the pain still.

I often feel like a pathetic loser. Still thinking about her. Still loving her despite the fact that she doesn’t deserve one bit of my love or thoughts, for her to take my love, care, support and loyalty for granted. I put on a façade around my friends and family. They have no idea that I still think of her. They think I’m some cool, calm and collected, confident guy with no worries. When, in reality, I’m an F’ing mess because I second guess myself all the time, always wondering if I deserve this or that, or if I’m good enough for something or someone.

One of the girls I dated after ‘her’, she was into me, and she was a really awesome girl, but I broke up with her and told her that I would never be able to give her what she expects. She cried and didn’t understand why I broke up with her. I ultimately went home afterwards, lied down on my bed and cried myself.

I find myself thinking, all the time, wondering why anybody would give me the time of day. It leads back to ‘her’ cheating on me. I should have ended the relationship myself in early 2010. I would have retained my pride, dignity and honor in myself. Silly words to use? Not really. I would have retained self-respect. Instead, here I am, today, a shell of former self. I need to find my old self and bring him back. Back then, I knew I was worth something and confident in my ability to talk to anyone and attract any girl (that’s the way I used to feel, irrational and unshakable confidence).

Now? I don’t feel the worth and I wonder, “Why bother talking to that girl over there? Why would she want to be with me? She’d probably cheat on me in the long run like [her name] did.”

You could say, “But FV, you were with three girlfriends after ‘her’!” Yeah, but that’s different. Those conversations started on a whim and I wasn’t the one to initiate. Things just happened and that’s how they started.

It’s hard to overcome being cheated on by somebody that you love. Understatement. I think, all the time, about how ‘she’ moved on without remorse and that it didn’t bother her whatsoever to F over somebody that loved (loves?) her. How can you just do that to somebody and not feel awful about it? It’s rare to really find someone that will love you through thick and thin, no matter what. She had that with me, and hurt me as badly as she possibly could.

I guess that’s why I’m lonely in this regard. I miss that connection. The way she was in 2008 and 2009. Not the liar and cheater she rendered herself into. I miss the way things once were.

“Live your life through the windshield; not the rearview mirror” should be the mantra of the day. Too bad I have difficulties following that quote myself.

Cliffs:
-- I was extremely confident
-- Dated my first love for over 2 years
-- First year was great, then she began whining about my past (having had two girlfriends before her; I was her first boyfriend.)
-- She cheated on me. Relationship ends. I become a recluse.
-- She returns 8 months later. Instead of telling her to get the hell out of my life, I welcome her back.
-- She screws me over again.
-- My levels of confidence and self-esteem have been screwed up ever since.

 

[African_weasel]

Reminds me of the girl who pretty much lead me on, I've asked her to hang out with me a number of times. Then I asked her to be my girlfriend without ever being on a single date. My fault there but she also didn't take the time to properly be my friend either. She chose drugs over her family and me, I tend to be great with people too. That shot my confidence down. The drug dealer that she lives with also talked down to me assuming that I was socially awkward and tried to sell weed to me basically. One day he said that I tried to threaten him which I didn't. He also kept this person away from me, this was when we were going to deliver her stuff back to her home.

 

[ForeverVirile]

It sucks. ('Sucks' being an understatement.)

Even if we would have gotten fully back together in 2011, I would have never been able to trust her again. She had ruined that aspect of the relationship we once had.

I always sit back and wonder how things could have been if I had done this or that differently. Someone on a different forum told me, "It doesn't matter what you would have done differently -- that wouldn't have stopped that girl from turning into what she is today", but still. I should have stood my ground on many occasions. I didn't.

One of the things that really damages my psyche, confidence and self esteem is just thinking about the memories, if they are all going down the drain. I have this mindset that she either thinks one or the other about me: either she hates me (the angry letter I sent her trying to lay the truth on her about her actions) or she'll forget about me... forever. Why should I care what she thinks? She, her, the cheater, the liar? Because I still love her for who she was in 2008 and 2009 and care about her more than she deserves.

 

[MTrip]

Heartbreak doth indeed suck. I've never had a girl that I cared about cheat on me, but I did once date a woman when I was in college & fell in love. That was the first &, so far, the only time I seriously considered marriage. Obviously it didn't work out....religious differences. I gotta say, it's kinda insulting when a woman chooses some guy who died almost 2,000 years ago, over you.

Do you still do any boxing or MMA? Stick with it. Work on perfecting the fine art of whipping ass. At least then the picture isn't all bleak: Though your girl went steppin' out on you & you lost her, you'll still have a physical ability in which you can be justifiably proud. And who knows, you might meet some cutie while training!

 

[ForeverVirile]

Heartbreak doth indeed suck. I've never had a girl that I cared about cheat on me, but I did once date a woman when I was in college & fell in love. That was the first &, so far, the only time I seriously considered marriage. Obviously it didn't work out....religious differences. I gotta say, it's kinda insulting when a woman chooses some guy who died almost 2,000 years ago, over you.

Do you still do any boxing or MMA? Stick with it. Work on perfecting the fine art of whipping ass. At least then the picture isn't all bleak: Though your girl went steppin' out on you & you lost her, you'll still have a physical ability in which you can be justifiably proud. And who knows, you might meet some cutie while training!

Thanks for your reply, man. It's just a lot of memories that constantly resurface in my mind that I think about a lot, remembering how things were before all the ******** began. It's bittersweet and painful as hell. No way around it. The way some things happen, I'll never understand. I'd go back in time and I'd do it all over again 1,000 times, but I'd do things differently. And hey, if I couldn't stop what turned out to be the inevitable, then so be it, but at least I could go back and fix my poor way of handling things. Oh, well, you live and you learn. I can take that knowledge with me into the future, but my biggest Achilles heel is comparing other girls to who she was (before she whined [about my past], lied and cheated). I know I'm being redundant. Ignore that.

And yeah, man, it keeps me sane. I'm actually going to have a boxing bout in a (kind of) local promotion around where I'm from. It seems to be a pretty good little organization and I'm excited. I've developed a passion for combat sports over the years. Without the training, I'm not sure where I'd be now. Not that I'm in any amazing portal of my life at the moment (although I am truly thankful for what I do have), but things would be a lot different in a negative way if I hadn't sublimated all that pain and anger. Gets rough.

Funny thing you mention meeting a cute girl while training. The one I broke things off with that I mentioned in the original post, I met her in such a scenario. I am probably going to regret doing that over the years, but honestly, I'm not in the right frame of mind with my confidence or self-esteem. I feel like I would have robbed her of any more of her time if we'd stayed together due to my inner stress and problems I've talked about in this thread. I feel bad thinking about that.

I'll be fine in the long run, I hope. Nostalgia is going to be the death of me. I need to get my mind sorted out, my ability to trust fixed... not to mention my lack of confidence needs a tweaking. Just need to work on it, as much as I don't feel like it most days.

 

[dead]

I think that you're 100% right in saying "Nostalgia is going to be the death of me". The best you can do right now is to just move on, and actively work on not dwelling on anything that happened between before you met her and now. Sometimes the best lesson you can learn from going through a rough patch is that you survived it - and were strong enough to get there.
From what I've read - you're probably pretty damn good looking - (sports for the win!) and if you do MMA and boxing you're probably quite confident in certain areas of your life. Extend this self confidence from that area to generally feeling good with yourself - and you'll be on a good track.

 

[SomeoneSomewhere]

Hey,

I have a terrible understanding of human beings and almost no understanding of relationships but as just someone who read your enritre post (and noticed the number of times you used the word "immature" for your former love interest), I feel like she did that to get back at you.

You were probably a more confident person than she was back when you had your relationship and she probably had a very bad self-esteem. So when you told her that you had been in other relationships before, she wanted to make things equal by getting into other relationships just to level her self-esteem/ego.

Or even better, when she cheated you, she hurt you and by hurting you (someone who was "better" than her), she got an ego/self-esteem boost.

Now, she wasn't done. By trying to get back with you again, she wanted to get another self esteem boost by cheating on 2 guys at one and make up for possible hurt that she might have gone through in the relationship that she was in at that time.

Of course, all this is hypothetical and I can't tell if that's what happened (or even if people and their behaviors are as simple and easy to decode as I expect them to be). But if this is it, you weren't ever wrong nor did you lose anything at any point in time.

I haven't been in a relationship ever before so I can't empathize with the hurt that you are experiencing right now or tell you how easy it will be to move on. Just, try to give it a closure (you probably already have with that letter that you sent her, you just haven't realized it yet) and work on building yourself up from scratch.

Good luck.

 

[ForeverVirile]

I think that you're 100% right in saying "Nostalgia is going to be the death of me". The best you can do right now is to just move on, and actively work on not dwelling on anything that happened between before you met her and now. Sometimes the best lesson you can learn from going through a rough patch is that you survived it - and were strong enough to get there.
From what I've read - you're probably pretty damn good looking - (sports for the win!) and if you do MMA and boxing you're probably quite confident in certain areas of your life. Extend this self confidence from that area to generally feeling good with yourself - and you'll be on a good track.

That's what I've been working on for the past couple of years: actively trying to work my mind around focusing on other endeavors like hobbies and some kind of work to get her off my mind. The worst part of the days? Going to bed and waking up. Closing my eyes to go to sleep and I'd just think of her voice. Thanks for the kind words and taking the time to post your thoughts!

Hey,

I have a terrible understanding of human beings and almost no understanding of relationships but as just someone who read your enritre post (and noticed the number of times you used the word "immature" for your former love interest), I feel like she did that to get back at you.

You were probably a more confident person than she was back when you had your relationship and she probably had a very bad self-esteem. So when you told her that you had been in other relationships before, she wanted to make things equal by getting into other relationships just to level her self-esteem/ego.

Or even better, when she cheated you, she hurt you and by hurting you (someone who was "better" than her), she got an ego/self-esteem boost.

Now, she wasn't done. By trying to get back with you again, she wanted to get another self esteem boost by cheating on 2 guys at one and make up for possible hurt that she might have gone through in the relationship that she was in at that time.

Of course, all this is hypothetical and I can't tell if that's what happened (or even if people and their behaviors are as simple and easy to decode as I expect them to be). But if this is it, you weren't ever wrong nor did you lose anything at any point in time.

I haven't been in a relationship ever before so I can't empathize with the hurt that you are experiencing right now or tell you how easy it will be to move on. Just, try to give it a closure (you probably already have with that letter that you sent her, you just haven't realized it yet) and work on building yourself up from scratch.

Good luck.

Hey, I appreciate you taking the time to go through with posting all of that. In hindsight, looking back, I should have known better. We were teenagers. I was just older than her and had experienced more in life. She didn't have a whole lot of experiences before we met and was naturally immature. That, conflated with the fact that her parents never gave me a chance, she manipulated me, took advantage of me and left me out to dry in the end. I should have expected it, but when you fall in love with someone, you can't help but to believe the best in them as people and put them on a pedestal as something greater than merely just another human being even though they are.

 

[African_weasel]

I think that you're 100% right in saying "Nostalgia is going to be the death of me". The best you can do right now is to just move on, and actively work on not dwelling on anything that happened between before you met her and now. Sometimes the best lesson you can learn from going through a rough patch is that you survived it - and were strong enough to get there.
From what I've read - you're probably pretty damn good looking - (sports for the win!) and if you do MMA and boxing you're probably quite confident in certain areas of your life. Extend this self confidence from that area to generally feeling good with yourself - and you'll be on a good track.

That's what I've been working on for the past couple of years: actively trying to work my mind around focusing on other endeavors like hobbies and some kind of work to get her off my mind. The worst part of the days? Going to bed and waking up. Closing my eyes to go to sleep and I'd just think of her voice. Thanks for the kind words and taking the time to post your thoughts!

Hey,

I have a terrible understanding of human beings and almost no understanding of relationships but as just someone who read your enritre post (and noticed the number of times you used the word "immature" for your former love interest), I feel like she did that to get back at you.

You were probably a more confident person than she was back when you had your relationship and she probably had a very bad self-esteem. So when you told her that you had been in other relationships before, she wanted to make things equal by getting into other relationships just to level her self-esteem/ego.

Or even better, when she cheated you, she hurt you and by hurting you (someone who was "better" than her), she got an ego/self-esteem boost.

Now, she wasn't done. By trying to get back with you again, she wanted to get another self esteem boost by cheating on 2 guys at one and make up for possible hurt that she might have gone through in the relationship that she was in at that time.

Of course, all this is hypothetical and I can't tell if that's what happened (or even if people and their behaviors are as simple and easy to decode as I expect them to be). But if this is it, you weren't ever wrong nor did you lose anything at any point in time.

I haven't been in a relationship ever before so I can't empathize with the hurt that you are experiencing right now or tell you how easy it will be to move on. Just, try to give it a closure (you probably already have with that letter that you sent her, you just haven't realized it yet) and work on building yourself up from scratch.

Good luck.

Hey, I appreciate you taking the time to go through with posting all of that. In hindsight, looking back, I should have known better. We were teenagers. I was just older than her and had experienced more in life. She didn't have a whole lot of experiences before we met and was naturally immature. That, conflated with the fact that her parents never gave me a chance, she manipulated me, took advantage of me and left me out to dry in the end. I should have expected it, but when you fall in love with someone, you can't help but to believe the best in them as people and put them on a pedestal as something greater than merely just another human being even though they are.

It sucks when you do that and then you get treated like ****, but you live and learn I guess

 

[Okiedokes]

One thing I've learned about people or I should say...the relationship I was in (and it turned into a marriage for 7 years) is that people don't always show their true colors right away. Her jealousy was always in her even from the beginning, it just took a bit of extra knowledge of your past for it to come out. I really don't understand why she'd care about it unless you were keeping contact with these girls. I'm not sure if it will help but just try to think of it as you didn't really know all about her at the beginning and love at the beginning can be blind. You can be so blinded and see nothing wrong with the person, even if they cause you pain. There shouldn't be pain or unhappiness because of another person, and if there is..it needs to be worked out or it just simply won't work.