Being on the outer edge of a social circle

[ardour]

Last Christmas holidays, out of the blue a "friend" invited to me to a gathering of his friends. They were staying in accommodation for the week, already booked and arranged. I was expected to leave same day while they stayed on and celebrated New Year's Eve together. Against better judgement I went.

We ate a cafe then played games on the beach. I was meant to get on the the ferry and go home. Except one of the wives felt sorry for me and arranged to fit me in for dinner last minute. I could feel the tension as my "friend" didn't necessarily want or expect me to stay that long. I even ended up apologizing to him, but she kept pushing out of pity.

I was the lonely male acquaintance being thrown a bone and everyone there knew it. That's as much as I can hope for now. I won't accept that kind of invite again.

This is what it is when you fail to form of solid circle of friends as a young adult.

 

[Rohini]

The wife of the friend sounds like more of a kind, caring friend than your own friends tbh..

:/

 

[Finished]

Yeah, the wife sounds like someone that would be interested in hooking you up with one of her single friends so they can have another couple to hang out with. If you want to be in a social circle then you need to be social even if you aren't feeling it.

 

[ardour]

If you want to be in a social circle then you need to be social even if you aren't feeling it.

I went to the dinner but felt a disapproving vibe, particularly from the friend who originally invited me (betting it was actually someone else's suggestion) This is someone I shared quite a lot with in the past. Probably too much. He's strange. Said I was like a brother once. Really over the top sometimes. In reality he views me in a condescending way.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Assaults on one's dignity can be very difficult; however, sometimes they are unavoidable, in my experience.

You didn't have to take the crappy party home with you though. Send it back on the ferry, and make sure to clean out it's pockets of anything of value before you send it back on it's way.

 

[Finished]

I went to the dinner but felt a disapproving vibe, particularly from the friend who originally invited me (betting it was actually someone else's suggestion) This is someone I shared quite a lot with in the past. Probably too much. He's strange. Said I was like a brother once. Really over the top sometimes. In reality he views me in a condescending way.

Well, possibly you could try acting like the person whatever group wants you to be. They will be MUCH more accepting of you and include you in more of their social outings. People use each other to make themselves feel better. So, use them to feel better about yourself. But you have to give them something to feel good about you.

IMO, you are trying to remain true to yourself and expect to find a group that you fit perfectly into. That's admirable. However, it doesn't happen like that for many people, myself included. I experimented acting like what people wanted and it worked. You could actually see them thinking, he's one of us.

However, I discovered that I really didn't like being in social groups. So, I stopped going out altogether.

 

[ardour]

Well, possibly you could try acting like the person whatever group wants you to be. They will be MUCH more accepting of you and include you in more of their social outings. People use each other to make themselves feel better. So, use them to feel better about yourself. But you have to give them something to feel good about you.

IMO, you are trying to remain true to yourself and expect to find a group that you fit perfectly into. That's admirable. However, it doesn't happen like that for many people, myself included. I experimented acting like what people wanted and it worked. You could actually see them thinking, he's one of us.

However, I discovered that I really didn't like being in social groups. So, I stopped going out altogether.

Well I'd prefer a group where I'm not treated a second class acquaintance. I've already shown people who/what I am by accepting that kind of treatment. Like I said the woman was embarrassed for me so the rest of them would have perceived it. There's no coming back from that.

 

[Finished]

Well I'd prefer a group where I'm not treated a second class acquaintance. I've already shown people who/what I am by accepting that kind of treatment. Like I said the woman was embarrassed for me so the rest of them would have perceived it. There's no coming back from that.

You have to get treated like **** until they approve of you.

You'd be surprised after some drinks, talking, and laughing. They'll be saying, man, I thought you were a real tool at first. But, you're actually pretty cool. That's happened to me several times. I wanted to knock them out. But, I was trying to fit in and it worked. In the end I realized they were all tools.

I worked with someone that was a real piece of ****. I went out with him many times after work because I was bored and he kept pressuring me to do so. He could worm his way into just about any social group. I was amazed. He was always super positive, very animated, laughed, and made jokes. But, it comes back to confidence. If you believe you are AWESOME and come across that way other people will think so too. If you believe you suck. Well then they will too. You have to act confident even if you are not. Most people act like they are someone they aren't anyway. So, you will just be like them.

 

[Claudia1794]

Most likely if you do eventually get exactly what you want out of a social life it will be less than satisfying because you’ve built it up so much or you will see how exhausting being part of the flock can be. Maybe I shouldn’t even give an opinion because I honestly have no idea how it is. Hell I maybe shouldn’t even be on here because I’m pretty sure I’m the type of person most people on here don’t geehaw well with.

 

[BeyondShy]

I was the lonely male acquaintance being thrown a bone and everyone there knew it. That's as much as I can hope for now. I won't accept that kind of invite again.

Good!! Nothing wrong with having pride.

Assaults on one's dignity can be very difficult; however, sometimes they are unavoidable, in my experience.

True. And you never know when they will happen.

However, I discovered that I really didn't like being in social groups. So, I stopped going out altogether.

And I am sure you made all those people very happy.

Well I'd prefer a group where I'm not treated a second class acquaintance. I've already shown people who/what I am by accepting that kind of treatment. Like I said the woman was embarrassed for me so the rest of them would have perceived it. There's no coming back from that.

No there is not. It's almost like whatever you do it's going to be the wrong thing.

You have to get treated like **** until they approve of you.

What the hell is this? Why can't everyone be treated decently right at the beginning? If this is true then I should have everyone in real life and in here treat me decently from now on, no questions asked.

Hell no. I am through being treated like crap.

 

[ardour]

Most likely if you do eventually get exactly what you want out of a social life it will be less than satisfying because you’ve built it up so much or you will see how exhausting being part of the flock can be. Maybe I shouldn’t even give an opinion because I honestly have no idea how it is. Hell I maybe shouldn’t even be on here because I’m pretty sure I’m the type of person most people on here don’t geehaw well with.

TBH these people are in their 40s and aren't living the kind of lives I would want anyway. It was more symbolic of how I've been treated in the past.

 

[Unsigned]

I always decline these types of invites.
In fact, it's one of the few times I lie.
When asked about "holiday plans", I say "staying local with relatives".
There are no local plans with relatives.
It's me, TV and a bottle of Old Crow.
But yeah...beats being the "pity guest"...